Men, What Did I Do Wrong - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:47 AM Thread Starter
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Men, What Did I Do Wrong

I started communicating with a man (51), I am 54. both of us divorced. He is a doctor with a very busy schedule and I run my own small business and too tend to have long hours. We talked on the phone and texted for a couple weeks. I liked him well enough to meet and suggested this. He was up for it, I was busy and told him to choose the place and I would be there, he did. We ended up talking for 3 hours over breakfast. Very much a gentleman, insisted that he would pay, opened the doors for me. We continued to talk and text, learning about likes of music, talking career, places we had lived before. No mention about his past or why he was divorced and the conversations never went that direction, it was all surface stuff.

He went out of town one weekend, sent me a pic of him and his friend. I went out of town to visit family another weekend. We live about 45 minutes from each other and with our schedules weekends are really the only time to see each other.

I asked him if he liked to hike, he said he did so we set up to meet at this park. The weather changes on my way to the park, he calls and suggests I go to his place so I did. This is our second time together and I was certainly dressed for hiking, not for anything else. He shows me his house....closets are neat as a pin, he has a prayer and meditation room with a kneeling prayer bench, he tells me he is a prayer group leader (all of this is blowing my mind but I am happy to meet a man with faith), he shows me pictures of his mom and sister, tells me about his mom's health. He then says he is hungry and suggests we get a pizza. He drives me thru his town and shows me around, we stop for pizza and by this time weather had improved so we did a quick hike.

While hiking his phone starts ringing continuously. He answers and learns security on some of his accounts have been jeopardized. He talked (brain storms) all this thru with me on the walk....what he is going to need to do and how this could have happened. To me it showed a great deal of openness on his part. We spent hour hours together that day.

Again telephone conversations, none leading to anything personal, no mention of feelings towards me. I ask him if he likes to dance, send him links to some places that I had been that I enjoyed. He said he liked to dance but no mention of wanting to go. He would say things like "maybe we could hike closer to where you live next time."

Two months into this and it seems like we are just spinning our wheels with a bunch of surface chit chat. We had two weekends where we were both in town and he made others plans. At this point I am wanting to know if he is eve interested. I feel like I am getting mixed messages. I tell him what I like about him. He apologizes for not expressing his feelings about how he feels for me. Tells me I am very kind, caring, that I communicate well, pretty and that he likes the idea of my spiritual side. He follows that up with he feels the distance of 45 minutes and our schedules are not going to allow for us to have a relationship and get to know one another. We spent hours on the phone and the conversations never went in the direction of getting to know one another beyond surface every day life events. So I took it to mean that he was finding a nice way to say good-bye. Got off the phone feeling a bit bewildered and not really knowing what he was trying to say. he said he we were neighbors he could see us furthering the relationship but the distance was a problem. He tells me that he finally has found someone he feels he could actually have a relationship with but he has no time yet I saw him making no time.

Maybe an hour after the call he sent two more texts....one thanking me for my honesty with the conversation and another to say he was exhausted and feels like he is getting old. I replied and told him he was great and just needed to get a little more and breathe some fresh air.

Ok, give it to me? Was he ever interested in me? I actually like this guy but I have a tendency to like men who are not emotionally available. He does verbalize issues at work and can express himself. It is obvious he is educated and is diplomatic. But until I opened up to him on how he felt he had not expressed his feelings about me. I do not want to chase any man and that's kind of how this has felt with the exception that he is the one calling me and not me calling him.
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post #2 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:54 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

@AVR1962, I know you're polling for the men's opinions... I hope you won't mind me giving my 2 cents....

You should read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You." When I read that book, after some dating failures, my eyes were really opened.

My personal rule of thumb became: if I was texting/calling/emailing more than I was actually seeing a man, it wasn't going to work. Schedules aside, which for me were absolutely packed, I made every effort to spend time with a man as much as I possibly could. The on/off texting or emailing just keeps you both at arms length. No real connection can form and flourish.

He might enjoy your company, when it's convenient, but it doesn't sound like he was seeking it. Kind of a "you'll do" attitude. Maybe he didn't have all his stuff together. You deserve better than that.

Maybe the men have some more accurate ideas if I'm way off.

ETA: @Ynot beat me to the punch. I was going to add... that you did nothing wrong.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #3 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:54 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

First off, you asked "what did I do wrong?" You didn't do anything wrong. You were you. He was he. He apparently is not all that interested. So don't sweat it. Just keep searching for what you want. The only problem I saw was that you think you did something and that is why it didn't work out. It isn't going to work out everytime or with everybody. You can only be who you are and they can only be who they are. Be glad you found out now rather than several months or years from now.

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post #4 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

It sounds to me like this isn't working out. That's fine, no harm, no foul - no one committed to anything, nothing anyone did wrong.

Sometimes when you meet someone new things just "click". Other times while there is nothing "wrong", personalities are really compatible.

He may feel like he *should* be attracted to you, but for reasons he can't quite put his finger on, he isn't.
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post #5 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

Sounds like he was being very direct and honest. He was probably interested to some degree, but not enough to make the distance something he wants to deal with. If you want to contact him again, tell him you also appreciate his honesty and that if he changes his mind about the distance and if you are single at the time to let you know. Then call it quits.
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post #6 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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Ok, give it to me? Was he ever interested in me? I actually like this guy but I have a tendency to like men who are not emotionally available.
The part of the story I don't get is that he actually has a place to kneel and pray in his house? Perhaps that is OK if it is a cultural thing that would be common for his religion, but if I place that in context with my culture, it sounds as if he is really struggling to heal from his past and needs regular prayer to overcome this struggle.

OK, now don't get yourself thinking there is something deep about this person that he is just not sharing, because if he has not opened up by now he has set the tone for the relationship. If he was interested in you in more ways than a light-hearted friend, something would have happened by now. If it has not, DO NOT convince yourself that you can change who he is, as odds are the relationship would continue meandering down the same path with perhaps some rather awkward moments of something physical and rather confusing here and there.

Move on! Or just consider him a friend.

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post #7 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:50 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

i second with ynot that you didn't do anything wrong, so stop second and third guessing yourself.

if you really like this guy, give him space. maybe send a text now and then to see how he's doing.
in the meantime, explore other man options.

you're both supper busy. i would interpret the whole thing as he likes you, maybe a lot, but as a physician, he's super busy and married to his work
and maybe just doesn't know if it can work. but if you are the one, he'll figure that out. 45 min. is not that big a deal.

also, did you consider that maybe if he's a leader of a prayer group and a very serious man of faith,
maybe he's just a bit shy that getting to know you intimately might lead him astray?
not saying you are at all, but maybe he's just a bit afraid of a relationship.
that might explain his behavior.
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post #8 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:56 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

Just no chemistry. If the both of you can't keep your hands and lips off each other after the 2nd date, then move on. Doesn't sound like it got this far after 2 months.
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post #9 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

In the same vein was what others have said: it's not you that went wrong or even him. It's both of you that don't match well.

For early dating to progress into a deeper relationship, there needs to be chemistry and a shared interest in one another. Your post suggests that so far, interest has been one-sided (you, not him) and he clearly views other things (than a relationship with you) as his priority.

The longer you keep pursuing this guy, the longer you'll ride false hopes of a relationship. This is counterproductive to what you want: a meaningful relationship. Move on.

I've been married to a physician for close to 10 years, and I'm sad to say that her career takes up way too much space in our world; it's robbing us of what a marriage is truly meant to be. As a doctor, this guy you're seeing could be self-absorbed and more invested in his career than anything else. Some people are looking for less out of a relationship than others, so when dating, stay mindful of your own ideals relative to those of whoever you're seeing next. Try to find someone who wants similar things as you--good luck!
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post #10 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:46 AM
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Men, What Did I Do Wrong

I'll go out on a limb and suggest he has traditional values, likes you, finds you interesting.... but he might want a "traditional" woman. You are both so busy and far away... sounds like code to me. If you were more available to me... your career orientation and equally busy schedule might have been something he isn't looking for.

It's definitely reaching on my part, but it's also common knowledge that many "busy, important" men have arm-charm wives - ya know - "desperate housewives" - women who re pampered but take care of their man as a profession




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post #11 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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The part of the story I don't get is that he actually has a place to kneel and pray in his house? Perhaps that is OK if it is a cultural thing that would be common for his religion, but if I place that in context with my culture, it sounds as if he is really struggling to heal from his past and needs regular prayer to overcome this struggle.

OK, now don't get yourself thinking there is something deep about this person that he is just not sharing, because if he has not opened up by now he has set the tone for the relationship. If he was interested in you in more ways than a light-hearted friend, something would have happened by now. If it has not, DO NOT convince yourself that you can change who he is, as odds are the relationship would continue meandering down the same path with perhaps some rather awkward moments of something physical and rather confusing here and there.

Move on! Or just consider him a friend.

Badsanta
I thought the same thing and that was part of the reason why I was trying to get to know this man a little more beyond surface talk. He attends Catholic church services so I was pretty blown away to see he had a room devoted to prayer and meditation and had a prayer bench. I question, in my mind, what he had in his past that he was not voicing.
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post #12 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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i second with ynot that you didn't do anything wrong, so stop second and third guessing yourself.

if you really like this guy, give him space. maybe send a text now and then to see how he's doing.
in the meantime, explore other man options.

you're both supper busy. i would interpret the whole thing as he likes you, maybe a lot, but as a physician, he's super busy and married to his work
and maybe just doesn't know if it can work. but if you are the one, he'll figure that out. 45 min. is not that big a deal.

also, did you consider that maybe if he's a leader of a prayer group and a very serious man of faith,
maybe he's just a bit shy that getting to know you intimately might lead him astray?
not saying you are at all, but maybe he's just a bit afraid of a relationship.
that might explain his behavior.
Good point, something I did not think about. He is black, I am white and he did ask me how I felt about and made the comment that he was concerned for me inside that type of a relationship. For me it wasn't an issues, I would n't have gone out with him had it been an issue. He told me that it would be a LONG time before he would be able to introduce me to his mom which told me he was the one with issues of me being white, especially when it came to his family.
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post #13 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:47 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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I thought the same thing and that was part of the reason why I was trying to get to know this man a little more beyond surface talk. He attends Catholic church services so I was pretty blown away to see he had a room devoted to prayer and meditation and had a prayer bench. I question, in my mind, what he had in his past that he was not voicing.
Well if he is "divorced" and a "prayer leader" in a "Catholic" church... well I can see at least a few conflicts he struggles with! That may also be one of the reasons he does not let you get too close! Perhaps he is somehow chastised by the church because in the eyes of his religion, he is still married.
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post #14 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

Red flag alert! He showed you his closets the 2nd time he was with you? WTH? Who does that? lol Definitely bats in the belfry.
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post #15 of 85 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: Men, What Did I Do Wrong

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The part of the story I don't get is that he actually has a place to kneel and pray in his house? Perhaps that is OK if it is a cultural thing that would be common for his religion, but if I place that in context with my culture, it sounds as if he is really struggling to heal from his past and needs regular prayer to overcome this struggle.
Catholics commonly have alters in their homes. Some even take doors off of closets to set up an alter and prayer space because they can't find room anywhere else. If he's Catholic having a prayer room wouldn't be uncommon at all. I believe it's also common among Hindi's, Buddhists, and Pagans to have alters in their homes and prayer/meditation/ritual rooms if they have the space for it.

I wouldn't necessarily say he has past issues to work through, either. People use prayer and/or meditation to reduce or relieve stress. Doctors have a LOT of stress and pressure just from their vocation alone. Many get attached to their patients and are bound to see some of those special people pass on despite their best efforts to keep them alive. Considering his profession, I'd be more concerned if he DID'T pray or meditate or something to help him cope with the mental and emotional rigors of his job.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jorgegene View Post
also, did you consider that maybe if he's a leader of a prayer group and a very serious man of faith,
maybe he's just a bit shy that getting to know you intimately might lead him astray?
not saying you are at all, but maybe he's just a bit afraid of a relationship.
that might explain his behavior.
Totally possible.

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Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
Just no chemistry. If the both of you can't keep your hands and lips off each other after the 2nd date, then move on. Doesn't sound like it got this far after 2 months.
If his faith teaches that sex before marriage is unacceptable, he might be behaving as his faith dictates. Technically, for Catholics, there shouldn't be more than light kissing, hand holding, maybe some cuddles/hugs before marriage. Honestly, some Catholics even debate deep kissing as the passion aroused can cloud judgement and lead to more intimate touching. If his faith teachings are conservative and he seriously practices his faith, he wouldn't be all lips and hands even if he very much wants to.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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