deejo - so I do challenge her. She says what she's says before "he has a part of my heart and I can do nothing about it". Then what?? They don't speak or email anymore as I stopped that - wasn't much to stop anyway. Here's one thing I can't stop - her thinking of him or her loving him. That ain't going to happen. What would you do if she were to say that??
@deejo - at this stage of my life I don't think changing my wife feelings about me is the key. She has told me that he has a part of heart and it's nothing she can do about it. I said..."Sure would have been nice to know that before I slid that ring on your finger!" - Silence followed....
That's because she has no answer for that....yet. Nobody can fake for 20 years. If you tried to explain what you think has gone on as to why she felt this way, Eg. "I was working to hard and away too much" she'll use that to blame you, even if it is not the truth.
Now starts the blame game, it will be "all your fault", "I never loved you" , "Things were bad even when we were dating" etc. In some cases they'll even go back in time before you even met you for blame and bring up something an old boyfriend did to them and claim you did it. Be prepared
There are guys and girls out there who could fake being with someone for their own personal gain (mainly monetary). Now those people should win academy awards IMO because they are the best actors and actresses in the entire world. Aside from our politicians but that's another debate.
Four years ago, I would have wrung my hands and felt bad for myself.
Now?
I'd be making plans to move out, or suggesting that's what she do. She is full of what makes the grass grow green. She is CHOOSING to do this to herself ... and her husband.
Four years ago, I would have wrung my hands and felt bad for myself.
Now?
I'd be making plans to move out, or suggesting that's what she do. She is full of what makes the grass grow green. She is CHOOSING to do this to herself ... and her husband.
But... in the thick of it, we never see with the clarity we have after going through the storm. Dammit!
Can you imagine...after 20 yrs of having babies, hospital visits, coaching 13 seasons of baseball for my kids, family marriages and deaths, family vacations - regular FAMILY LIFE - you find out a part of your wife's heart belongs to someone else!!!???!!!! I can't hardly explain it...
I'm sure it's not that...she married YOU, not HIM. It's only because she seems to have started an EA with him that it's all been raked up again.
Ten years ago, age 31, I got back in touch with my first boyfriend from highschool. We were 15 when we dated. Within a week of our first email, we were making plans to get together - we had 'never gotten over one another'. We were both attached. I pulled the plug before we had the chance to take it to the next level. What we did then wasn't right, but at least we didn't act on it. Now, I look at it as 31 year old me, falling in love with a 15 year old boy...because that's what it would have been.
@deejo - at this stage of my life I don't think changing my wife feelings about me is the key. She has told me that he has a part of heart and it's nothing she can do about it. I said..."Sure would have been nice to know that before I slid that ring on your finger!" - Silence followed....
That's the worst thing you could possibly say.
Deejo and RDJ are on this.
Ignore them at your peril.
Of course you are hurt. You can nurse that hurt and your anger. Or, you can choose to be constructive.
Nothing! At least, not at that time, with that guy...
There are many circumstances - but about not long after, I had an EA with a guy from the States. We only met once, he was here on business and I met him through a girlfriend of mine.We made out that night, he went back home, and we carried on for over a year by email/phone. The attention was intoxicating. I joined dating sites, all the while, still living with my boyfriend in our dead relationship (no excuse for my behaviour). Eventually, I had a 6 month PA with a local guy, who had been on the chase for 2 years, making no bones about how badly he wanted to get with me.
I'm sure it's not that...she married YOU, not HIM. It's only because she seems to have started an EA with him that it's all been raked up again.
Ten years ago, age 31, I got back in touch with my first boyfriend from highschool. We were 15 when we dated. Within a week of our first email, we were making plans to get together - we had 'never gotten over one another'. We were both attached. I pulled the plug before we had the chance to take it to the next level. What we did then wasn't right, but at least we didn't act on it. Now, I look at it as 31 year old me, falling in love with a 15 year old boy...because that's what it would have been.
Nothing! At least, not at that time, with that guy...
There are many circumstances - but about not long after, I had an EA with a guy from the States. We only met once, he was here on business and I met him through a girlfriend of mine.We made out that night, he went back home, and we carried on for over a year by email/phone. The attention was intoxicating. I joined dating sites, all the while, still living with my boyfriend in our dead relationship (no excuse for my behaviour). Eventually, I had a 6 month PA with a local guy, who had been on the chase for 2 years, making no bones about how badly he wanted to get with me.
I can't believe I was once that woman...
Thanks for sharing. The good thing is you have come a long way since then and not repeated that again.
My H had a thing going with a woman like that. I informed her husband because it had gone on for many years. My marriage broke up over it (and other affections my H accepted from other women who went behind their husband's/partner's back to profess their love for him.)
How does she treat you generally? I heard from the OW's family that she would provoke her husband to anger and then say that he was abusive, that she would have tantrums and usurped authority from him regarding their children (boys). She was an absolute nutcase, completely delusional. Some people create these romantic stories and get caught up in them. I think your W needs some reality therapy.
It's not good for people to have someone in their family checked out like that and functioning in a delusional world while pretending to be present. Sending the V Day card sounds about right. My H's OW sent US a Christmas card (without her H's knowledge I'm sure) right before our wedding, even though she'd never been introduced to me and they were having whatever relationship they were having (which my H first claims was only email once in a while, then the occasional phone call...right.) Whatever it was, it's harmful.
Just because it's supposedly ephemeral and takes place via written or spoken word, does not mean that it doesn't have effects in the real world most of us live in.
I feel for you. You are sane though and you can handle it, like I did. Stay sane and do whatever it takes for you to hold onto your feelings about the harm inflicted. Therapy helps. Probably her world will fall apart if she is forced to give up her dream. Be prepared for her to cling to it. The more you try to take it away from her the more scared she will become. Sounds like it's become a way of life for her. Ugh.
I'd leave and find someone who cares. Namely, yourself, then someone else. Make sure they are firmly grounded in reality and can handle a relationship with a real man. Not a fantasy one where everything is going to go well, etc.
Charlie,
To those of you telling Charlie that he needs to work on this I say you have no idea how this sort of situation grates on you emotionally. There is nothing more demeaning in a relationship to believe you have found the person you want to share the rest of your life with soul with only to find out later that your her second choice. You just cannot sweep that away. It is always there.
This thread has been very helpful. I gave my H another chance but to be a leftover and to be treated like a leftover and to be used for whatever is only physical is demeaning. I even think that he might have married me to prove to this OW of his that he could so get someone to marry him, after she dumped him (a couple times). I think a lot of his abuse to me was because I wasn't her. It doesn't sound like a lot, just an early warning sign, but once a person's thinking has gone that far, you wonder who you are living with, it's like living with a ghost.
Re: I found a letter she wrote... 
