Hi, I'm engaged to the most wonderful, beautiful woman of my life. We will be married in April and graduate school together shortly before! My issue is she keeps pictures around (online, in photo albums) of her and her exes. Although I acknowledge and accept her past for what it is, they may me very uncomfortable and feel like she will never let these other men out of her life.
I want to be sensitive to her needs, of course. She says those pictures are too important to hide away or get rid of and that she thinks nothing of them, but I want to be the only man in her life - especially online where everyone can see, rather than sharing space with her exes. Although we have come to an understanding that they make me exceedingly uncomfortable, and she feels they are no big deal, despite this issue being very important to me there doesn't seem to be any compromise in the sight. There are intimate (kissing) and cuddling photos and I feel like they're going to follow me wherever I go in our marriage. Thoughts on keeping pictures of exes?
If you are engaged she should definitely not have these photos for all to see on her facebook for example. Having the photos at all out of the way is another matter.
That said, these exes themselves should no longer be friended on her facebook IMHO. She should no longer be having contact with them at all.
What you have here is an immature "dating" type of mentality still going on. It takes an adjustment to fully comprehend what a commitment is in marriage. She has not done that transition yet. Unfortunately some folks carry that immaturity into the marriage.
I suggest you two do His Needs Her Needs together prior to marriage. An important part of this is discussing, defining and setting agreed upon boudaries. These boundaries will change over time as you mature as a couple but the fundamentals tend to be consistent. Too often the boundaries are too weak or ill concieved so before you agree to anything make sure you are all in on the boundaries. What you are really talking about are boundaries that have yet to be established. They take a shift in the mindset. Having clear boundaries help each other stay out of possible trouble and enable trust. Marrtiage is about love, faithfullness and respect. trust comes as a by product. This said the couple needs to have a compatible vision of what being faithfull is.
She needs to go thru her public albums and at least remove the intimate type pictures (kissing / hugging) of past guys, otherwise it's a blatant disrespect to you in front of everyone. If she can't understand that, how does she expect to put any true meaning into the wedding vows she speaks to you in April? What's the point of sharing past relationships with people when the only one that matters now is the current???
I'm a scrapbooker, and have been for 20+ years, so I have photos in albums of most of my past boyfriends. My husband of 20 years doesn't have a problem with it, as there are dozens of albums dedicated to our life together and our family.
She's engaged to you, you won her heart, she wants to spend the rest of her life with you. That doesn't mean that the rest of her life up until now ceases to exist though. I think that forcing her to get rid of those memories would be cruel. Maybe an acceptable compromise would be to ask her to keep those photos in an album seperate from photos of the two of you, so that you don't have to see them?
The photo albums are fine. My wife has those. The facebook pics should be taken down. Especially now that you're engaged. And especially if there are lots. She probably isn't thinking about it that much so I wouldn't worry. But she does need to realize it's disrespectful to you. Without making a big deal of it I asked my wife at some point to take them down (although she didn't have any intimate ones up anyways) and she did.
Sorry, I don't really have good, wholesome parents to talk to for marriage advice. I really appreciate your insights. I want to compromise for her because she is adamant about keeping all her photos (intimate, online, in private) for her own reasons and I respect those reasons despite my hurt feelings. I do feel hurt because she publicly displays photos of her and her exes for others to see, and feel like I'm beside them rather than in front of them. Though I've tried expressing this, because she doesn't look at it a a big deal, she doesn't feel like she needs to compromise it. No, I don't believe getting rid of her pictures altogether is good, I want her to have all that she wants/needs. I would, however, never ignore my hurt feelings. I am willing to compromise somehow that makes us both comfortable but we seem to be at crossroads. We both have pasts, we both treat the past differently, but we both accept one anothers' pasts.
What do I want? For her to declare her love for me publicly and keep those men in her past, rather than beside me, online. Privately, there isn't really a problem. I was just worried she want clinging to her past too closely. It seems like others don't mind keeping pictures of exes in their past albums and that's okay.
I think keeping photos of past relationships is just fine.
Publicly displaying photos of past relationships is not fine. Posted via Mobile Device
I agree. She can keep them, but not on FB.
I have pics of exes and myself. Someday I'll show my daughters...because momma was not always a momma. My life didn't begin with marriage.
I think keeping photos of past relationships is just fine.
Publicly displaying photos of past relationships is not fine. Posted via Mobile Device
+1
Providing she does not have the photos hanging on the wall, I don't see what the issue is.
In my wife's culture, the men tend to be very machismo and each her and some of her girlfriends have had photos of their past destroyed by their boyfriends at the time, only for their relationship not to work out and those other memories being lost forever.
Be secure and confident in your own relationship and providing she is not disrespecting you by displaying those photos, then I would say to let it go.
Now, if she still has friendships and stays in communication with her exes, well that is another story.
Sorry, I don't really have good, wholesome parents to talk to for marriage advice. I really appreciate your insights. I want to compromise for her because she is adamant about keeping all her photos (intimate, online, in private) for her own reasons and I respect those reasons despite my hurt feelings. I do feel hurt because she publicly displays photos of her and her exes for others to see, and feel like I'm beside them rather than in front of them. Though I've tried expressing this, because she doesn't look at it a a big deal, she doesn't feel like she needs to compromise it. No, I don't believe getting rid of her pictures altogether is good, I want her to have all that she wants/needs. I would, however, never ignore my hurt feelings. I am willing to compromise somehow that makes us both comfortable but we seem to be at crossroads. We both have pasts, we both treat the past differently, but we both accept one anothers' pasts.
What do I want? For her to declare her love for me publicly and keep those men in her past, rather than beside me, online. Privately, there isn't really a problem. I was just worried she want clinging to her past too closely. It seems like others don't mind keeping pictures of exes in their past albums and that's okay.
Congratulations. You just defined a boundary. Be aware that while boundaries are negotiable and have to be agreed upon that they are not a good boundary if they themselves are compromised. When something is compromised it has lost its integrity. If this is truly your boundary ... stick with it.
So it seems that she must know this is a boundary for you. She has a choice. She either can live within this boundary out of respect for you or you guys are really not compatible. This is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. What you are asking for is very reasonable. She needs to respect this boundary. if not you are not the most important man in her life. If this is the case she is not ready to marry you. In the total scheme of things this is a very small thing for her to do. If it is not then this is a huge red flag. Time to rethink the marriage.
Her kissing and cuddling with other men is inappropriate on public display. Yes it was in her past. I would even go further than the "intimate" photos. People looking at her FB should get the distinct impression that she is so very in love with you that she is obsessed with you. She should be over the top about you and wants all the world to see this. This is the time when people go head over heals in love with each other.
Maybe you could buy her a photo album for her to put these types of pictures in, that way they're not mixed in with ones that you are comfortable with. She can keep them but you won't have to look at them if you choose to look through pictures. I don't see a problem with her keeping them but they shouldn't be displayed and that includes Facebook, if she's still friends with them and you're comfortable with the friendship then she just needs to remove any that would be considered intimate in nature.
Hubby tried to burn every picture of his ex and her child and I wouldn't let him. Instead I gave the pics of her child to her sister to return because I wouldn't want someone destroying pics of my children. The rest that were special such as his prom and things I gave to his mother to put up for later. Our children might someday want to see what dad looked like during that time. I did let him burn some, but none that would be considered important events I have his life. I have pics of my exes but they are put away in my cedar chest so that one day my children can see them if they choose to, but my hubby doesn't have to look at them unless he chooses to. Pictures are special and have very sentimental ties to them, don't make her get rid of them or she'll layer resent you for it. Maybe she can store them at her parent's or something. Posted via Mobile Device
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She keeps photos of her exes 
