Who should pay on dates? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:09 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

I think its fine for either to quietly pick up the tab. If the other offers to split, then that offer should be graciously accepted. If the other doesn't offer, then that should be considered fine as well.

I would never take someone on a date to a place where I wasn't completely happy to pay the full bill.
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post #47 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:21 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

My guy (we call him real Estate, or RE for short) made it very clear from the very first date that he was paying. And that he would always pay. He also opens doors for me, and other chivalrous things

As a very independent gal, this kind of freaked me out initially, because I was used to paying my own way... but then I realized, this is really nice. He WANTS to spoil me. He WANTS to spend his money on me. He WANTS to make me feel special and valued. I'd never had anyone do that for me before, and it was really refreshing. I do occasionally pay for things, like every once in a while I will pick up dinner and bring it to his place... or I get a Blue Apron box, but then I cook it and share it with him. Or if I want to go to something (a concert or event), and I invite him, I'm the one purchasing the tickets. It will never be 50/50 in terms of how much money we spend, he will always be spending more $$$ on me.

We have this joke, and we'll intentionally do this in front of other people because it's funny... the check will come, and he'll say something like, "Aren't you going to get that?" or something along those lines, and I'll respond, "No, that's not how this works." But the joke for us is there's a second part to my answer that goes unsaid. The full answer is, "No, that's not how this works. I have a *****, which means I don't have to pay."

This dynamic works for us, even though it took a while for me to become comfortable with it. Initially, it felt to me like RE might be trying to buy my affection (I am, after all, a decade younger than he is), and it took me some time to understand that wasn't the case, that my interpretation was MY hang-up and not necessarily a reflection of his intentions (my mother taught me that if anyone ever did anything nice for you, it was because they wanted something--in her mind, no one was every simply of generous nature). And initially, I also felt guilty of taking advantage of such generosity... but again, I realized that it was MY hang-up (again, thanks Mom). And I made him promise that he should tell me if he ever thought I was taking advantage.

Before my relationship with RE, I would have said that who pays should be 50/50... but now I'm changing my tune. And if I ever find myself in another relationship, I'll have similar expectations. Because it's not actually about the money.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #48 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:25 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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He needs to wear a clean shirt when doing a presentation. That's just sloppy.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #49 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

If there's one thing I personally dislike VERY MUCH, is splitting the bill on dates. It's cheap and insensitive. I'd rather pay it all up myself than split the bill.

To answer my own question, I'd prefer the guy to pay as I'm a bit old fashion BUT I always make sure to OFFER to pay even-though he ends up paying and I always THANK HIM. I never ever forget to thank him and show my appreciation.

There were many times that I've offered to pay and I've done so with much pleasure, especially when I've been the one to invite. But I'd appreciate it more if he offered to pay most of the time. Obviously, when I'm the one inviting, I'd except to pay for both of us but to be honest I'm more turned on when a guy doesn't let me put my hands in my wallet. haha...

As I said, I'm not one who takes advantage of being paid on dates and I always make sure to offer to pay and there are many times I INSIST on paying (and I really mean it) but I appreciate chivalric codes on men and it's something that turns me on IMMEDIATELY.

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post #50 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:08 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
Who should pay on dates?
The person who ASKS the other person to go somewhere.

Usually it's the man since they are the pursuers but if the woman happens to ask a guy to go out, she pays.

And for record, I personally see nothing chivalrous or gentlemanly in paying every single time no matter what.

It's doormat behavior imo.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #51 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

I'm old fashioned in a lot of ways (I like to think) but holding doors and paying for meals are not two of them I guess, @jld.

That being said, Odo rarely "lets" me pay for anything. Usually it's because he accidentally left his wallet at home. We don't fight over who pays, but do like to yuk it up in front of the waiters/waitresses so they think we're having a dumb argument.

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post #52 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

I think it can be complex. I would offer to pay, but would accept my date's offer to split without argument.

The problem is that to some people, paying is a sign of independence and they might feel slighted by not being allowed to pay their share. There are also still some men who think that if they pay for the dinner, they are "owed" sexual favors in return. I would never want to give that impression.


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Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
If there's one thing I personally dislike VERY MUCH, is splitting the bill on dates. It's cheap and insensitive. I'd rather pay it all up myself than split the bill.

To answer my own question, I'd prefer the guy to pay as I'm a bit old fashion BUT I always make sure to OFFER to pay even-though he ends up paying and I always THANK HIM. I never ever forget to thank him and show my appreciation.

There were many times that I've offered to pay and I've done so with much pleasure, especially when I've been the one to invite. But I'd appreciate it more if he offered to pay most of the time. Obviously, when I'm the one inviting, I'd except to pay for both of us but to be honest I'm more turned on when a guy doesn't let me put my hands in my wallet. haha...

As I said, I'm not one who takes advantage of being paid on dates and I always make sure to offer to pay and there are many times I INSIST on paying (and I really mean it) but I appreciate chivalric codes on men and it's something that turns me on IMMEDIATELY.
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post #53 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

Stixx,
I do believe it's ok to ask this type question, if however I was asking, it would be a bit more open ended.

For example: What is it you normally like to do (excluding sex), to show a guy that you like him?

Because the difficulty in this transition period, is that 'some' men and women try to select the 'subset' of 'new' rules that favor them, without considering what seems 'fair'.

--------
Let me put this another way. I expect to pay for dates - full stop.

I DO like it when partners offer to pay - because I sometimes say - sure you get the tip. But the reason I do so, isn't to shave 20 points off the cost of dinner. The reason is I want to see how they tip. If the service was at least decent: Below 15% is an immediate deal breaker. It means they exploit situations where the rules are based on protocol - not law.

If the service was great - and they leave only 15% - I would top it up to 20/22 percent with a smile. That is a nice little exercise as well. Because a solid citizen won't take offense at that.






Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
I dated a girl once for about 2 weeks. We went out a handful of times and she never once offered to pay. This is a sensitive area for me - I'm overly concerned about being taken advantage of- and so I said "when do you think it's appropriate for the woman to offer to pay?". She said "I'm an old fashioned girl, I expect the man to always pay".

She was a cutie and we had chemistry but after she said that I knew I'd never ask her out again.

Lots of posts about who pays on the first date.

There should never be dinner on the first date unless you've already met in real life and you know there's good potential.

First "meetups" especially with the ever so common internet "blind" date should be scheduled as something fast and cheap, a coffee or maybe a drink in a local pub, because the odds are there won't be a second date, why spend time and money on a person with whom there is a small possibility that things will click and you'll see them again?
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post #54 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
I'm old fashioned in a lot of ways (I like to think) but holding doors and paying for meals are not two of them I guess, @jld.

That being said, Odo rarely "lets" me pay for anything. Usually it's because he accidentally left his wallet at home. We don't fight over who pays, but do like to yuk it up in front of the waiters/waitresses so they think we're having a dumb argument.
It might be interesting to have a thread talking about what it means to each person to be old fashioned.

It sounds like you are very happy in your relationship, Satya. All the best.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #55 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

Hmmmm ... I would say on one hand, and maybe I am old fashioned, I do believe in the guy paying on the first date. Since my W and I started dating I have paid a majority of the times we went out to eat. However, when we were in college, if we relied solely on me having money to go out to eat we would rarely go out lol, so since she was working she would pay more. Keep in mind as well, for a majority of our marriage (with the exception of the first few years) I have done much better financially (and now with my W as a SAHM I am of course paying regardless of who's wallet the money comes from lol), so I say about 98.7% of all meals in our lifetime I have paid.

I will add though a couple of things. Now keep in mind, I do believe on the whole "gentleman" approach, whether it be paying for meals, opening doors, etc... but also consider I have not been on the dating scene since 1997 lol. Given how far women have come with their careers/salaries where it is not uncommon for them to equal or exceed their SO in earning power, I find it pathetic that women in these positions would expect to always eat for free. Likewise, it is mind numbing to draw a correlation between a guy paying for every meal and how "trustworthy" he is.
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post #56 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
And for record, I personally see nothing chivalrous or gentlemanly in paying every single time no matter what.

It's doormat behavior imo.
It can be, depending on the reason. If the guy is paying because he's afraid of upsetting the woman then you are right. If he's paying because that's what he likes to do, then it isn't. Basically, is the behavior being done for her or for him would define which category he fits in.

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
There are also still some men who think that if they pay for the dinner, they are "owed" sexual favors in return. I would never want to give that impression.
Wait, so dating is like getting a hooker? Kidding. I sincerely hope there aren't too many guys like that around.
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post #57 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

When I was old enough and had enough money to invite a girl to dinner,of course the ultimate aim was to get her into bed,no point denying this.But if during the evening she made it clear this would not be happening I still paid for dinner and drinks and always paid for a taxi home for her if she needed one.I can't count the amount of times my date would ask me to come with her at the last minute. I always tried to treat any woman I was with like a lady and you can be the most militant feminist in the world but ALMOST all women like to feel respected and appreciated and I never tried to make anyone feel obligated to me.And if a woman came back to my apt but didn't want to stay the night,again I always paid for a taxi for her.
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post #58 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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I friend of mine, 35 y.o. is single and hasn't been in a realtionship for 3 years now. During one of our discussions, she said "I don't need just a guy in my life... I need a man. But where are men today? To even think that they can't even pay you a dinner? A real man wouldn't allow me to pay for the dinner, even if I insisted on doing so...".

This got me thinking if men here agree with this saying or not.

Do you think you should pay most of the time or you dislike it when you're the one paying most of/all the time?
Would you prefer she paid most of the time?
or you think both partners should take turns?
Is there any difference if you're at the early stages of dating/relationship ?

I will say my opinion later.
I think it depends on how/why the date is taking place.
  • Man is interested in woman and asks her out? HE PAYS. For everything that night.

  • Woman asks man out? SHE PAYS. For everything that night. And if he tries to pay, she INSISTS pretty hard on paying - and if she likes him, she can coyly let him know he is welcome pay when he invites her to something....

  • Man and woman both want to meet someone and connect by dating site or in some way where it's clear they're both looking to find someone? They go Dutch. At the very least the woman offers to pick up half the tab, and doesn't take it as a bad sign if the man lets her - after all, the guy may be dating a lot of people to find the right one and can't afford to pay for tons of first dates that don't become something more.

  • Once you're in a relationship - that's up to the individuals involved. I think people usually start divvying it up based on their income, and if one wants to do more expensive things than the other, they usually pay.


In your friend's case, she would not continue seeing men who are not "old fashioned" in the way she wants. I understand her sentiment but this will limit the dating pool for her. She might want to rethink it and consider guys who generally pay, or who pay when they invite.

If her heart is set on finding a man who will and can pay for everything all the time, she needs to understand in 2017 this will take time and perseverence and she needs to really assess what she is bringing to the table to attract that type of man. She might want to be careful what she wishes for. She also might want to figure out where the type of man she's interested in congregate (conservative groups?, church? Organizations for wealthy people?) and do her fishing there.
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post #59 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 03:08 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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I think it depends on how/why the date is taking place.
  • Man is interested in woman and asks her out? HE PAYS. For everything that night.

  • Woman asks man out? SHE PAYS. For everything that night. And if he tries to pay, she INSISTS pretty hard on paying - and if she likes him, she can coyly let him know he is welcome pay when he invites her to something....

  • Man and woman both want to meet someone and connect by dating site or in some way where it's clear they're both looking to find someone? They go Dutch. At the very least the woman offers to pick up half the tab, and doesn't take it as a bad sign if the man lets her - after all, the guy may be dating a lot of people to find the right one and can't afford to pay for tons of first dates that don't become something more.

  • Once you're in a relationship - that's up to the individuals involved. I think people usually start divvying it up based on their income, and if one wants to do more expensive things than the other, they usually pay.


In your friend's case, she would not continue seeing men who are not "old fashioned" in the way she wants. I understand her sentiment but this will limit the dating pool for her. She might want to rethink it and consider guys who generally pay, or who pay when they invite.

If her heart is set on finding a man who will and can pay for everything all the time, she needs to understand in 2017 this will take time and perseverence and she needs to really assess what she is bringing to the table to attract that type of man. She might want to be careful what she wishes for. She also might want to figure out where the type of man she's interested in congregate (conservative groups?, church? Organizations for wealthy people?) and do her fishing there.
She needs to be hot.
Seriously hot.
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post #60 of 515 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 03:15 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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She needs to be hot.
Seriously hot.
Lol, right to the point
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