Who should pay on dates? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 10:50 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Really? Must live in different social spheres then. When I was a teen and dated I paid most but not all the time. When I became single for my second time I started off paying for everything but couple bad experiences and stopped. Dated several women now long term and we both were always most comfortable with I get this part you get that part of a date. Probably because we are both looking for equal partners in one another even if it's never exactly equal.

My kiddos say that dating should be 50-50 and expect both partners to contribute.
She is graduating in chemical engineering in six weeks, and most requests for dates have come from the young men in her classes. So that is her reference.

She did say that engineers have a reputation for being conservative. That may at least partially explain the traditional dating dynamics she has experienced.

The other part is likely that she just attracts a certain kind of male--one that finds it normal to do the asking and paying for dates.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #77 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:12 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

I'm not old-fashioned, not conservative, and not looking for a free meal. But I would only go on dates where he pays. IME, the only way to know if a guy is actually interested is to see just how much he will put into it. How a guy handles money is only one clue, but it's a useful one.

If we're a thing, I'm happy to treat.

My dating experience is very last century.
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post #78 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:25 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Maybe I am old fashioned. I do not want to give women too much power .
You think the one who pays has the power?

And what is wrong with women having power?
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post #79 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 11:56 PM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

I am an old fashioned guy. I always pay, even if the woman invited me. If she is insistent to pay, I will let her but next time I will take her to someplace more expensive on me. Being cheap, frugal or whatever you want to call it, is not something most women admire in a man. How you look is important too. It is no secret that we are attracted to people first by their looks. We are genetically designed to assess mates who seem to have good genes and we do that by looks still. No getting around that.

A gentleman always pays unless the women insists. If she just offers, I would tell her that her company was payment enough and leave it at that. I almost always got a second date and/or sex after the first date. I treated a woman like she was a princess and some girls like that.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #80 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 12:00 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

Being in college - I don't like to pay for dates because I don't have the flexibility to do so. I also don't like to pay for women on dates because I've known a whole hell of a lot of girls who literally just put up with me for one date so they can score free food.

I think the first couple of dates a man and women go on should be split independently and once chemistry is established, the guy should pay for a majority of meals. However, society tends to dictate how things should really go down. Chivalry is dead, and too many girls out there (especially feminists) cry inequality but yet expect guys to pay for them? It's hypocritical.
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post #81 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 01:00 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

I also always went with the policy that the one who did the inviting, does the paying.

The thing I discovered as I began to date after divorcing my exH (before I met Dear Hubby ) was that if a man takes a woman out for dinner and does all that paying, he acts as if he has the right to something in return.

Now I don't date 2-3 men at a time. I tend to go one at a time, and only if I have some reason to say "I may want to know more about you." So if I was already a bit interested and he asked me out to dinner, I did expect him to pay and also to be a gentleman and not EXPECT sex in return for a dinner!

I knew of friends of mine who dated a different guy every night of the week just so she'd get free dinner and drinks, and I'm sorry to say that does seem like a transaction to me (aka 'I'll buy you dinner and booze if you blow me.') Hey they are consenting adults and can live the way they choose! Not my circus, not my monkeys!

But *I* am not that way, and thus I tended to be leery about going out on a dinner date until I knew a man from somewhere and had maybe a couple coffee dates or dutch lunches under our belts. If I had some reason to believe he was interested and fairly decent, I'd agree to go out to dinner if he invited, and I expected him to pay. If I invited him to dinner--which was rare but it happened--I'd pull out my wallet. I invited. But if there was ever that attitude of "I paid for dinner, now you'll pay me back"... well that's entitlement rearing its ugly head and I never picked p that phone again!!!!


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post #82 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 01:58 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

Can only comment on how I have lived because it is an each to their own kind of thing. Personally I have never asked a man on a date until after a relationship was formed. Have never paid for any date or holiday, event etc until after a relationship was formed. But I have paid for many nights out once in a relationship.

We tend to spend a fair bit of money on lifestyle, dinners out, concerts, holidays etc, MrH still pays for most of it but he earns big dollars. I do however treat him to a very exy dinner out every so often.
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post #83 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 04:52 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Originally Posted by wild jade View Post
I'm not old-fashioned, not conservative, and not looking for a free meal. But I would only go on dates where he pays. IME, the only way to know if a guy is actually interested is to see just how much he will put into it. How a guy handles money is only one clue, but it's a useful one.

If we're a thing, I'm happy to treat.

My dating experience is very last century.
I agree with this. And I think that feminist male author I mentioned does, too.

If a woman does not want to end up supporting a guy who sits around unproductive in life, she has to have some criteria for evaluating him. How he spends his money can show what he values. Useful info.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #84 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:02 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Originally Posted by D_Man View Post
Chivalry is dead, and too many girls out there (especially feminists) cry inequality but yet expect guys to pay for them? It's hypocritical.
Are you familiar with the saying, "Equality is for the boardroom, not the bedroom"?

If you insist on equality everywhere, especially according to your definition of it, you may short circuit attraction.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #85 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 05:07 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post
I also always went with the policy that the one who did the inviting, does the paying.

The thing I discovered as I began to date after divorcing my exH (before I met Dear Hubby ) was that if a man takes a woman out for dinner and does all that paying, he acts as if he has the right to something in return.

Now I don't date 2-3 men at a time. I tend to go one at a time, and only if I have some reason to say "I may want to know more about you." So if I was already a bit interested and he asked me out to dinner, I did expect him to pay and also to be a gentleman and not EXPECT sex in return for a dinner!

I knew of friends of mine who dated a different guy every night of the week just so she'd get free dinner and drinks, and I'm sorry to say that does seem like a transaction to me (aka 'I'll buy you dinner and booze if you blow me.') Hey they are consenting adults and can live the way they choose! Not my circus, not my monkeys!

But *I* am not that way, and thus I tended to be leery about going out on a dinner date until I knew a man from somewhere and had maybe a couple coffee dates or dutch lunches under our belts. If I had some reason to believe he was interested and fairly decent, I'd agree to go out to dinner if he invited, and I expected him to pay. If I invited him to dinner--which was rare but it happened--I'd pull out my wallet. I invited. But if there was ever that attitude of "I paid for dinner, now you'll pay me back"... well that's entitlement rearing its ugly head and I never picked p that phone again!!!!
Entitlement is definitely an attraction killer.

I do not understand how a woman can stand having sex with a man who thinks she owes it to him. And this even happens in some marriages!

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #86 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:21 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
I agree with this. And I think that feminist male author I mentioned does, too.

If a woman does not want to end up supporting a guy who sits around unproductive in life, she has to have some criteria for evaluating him. How he spends his money can show what he values. Useful info.
I'm not really evaluating him so much as his interest level in me. I also find guys who think I'll be impressed by their money (or position) a big turn-off.

As I said, I'm not looking for a free meal. Just whether or not he's actually interested in me or just looking to slum it for some fun and a quick lay.
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post #87 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:28 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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It might be interesting to have a thread talking about what it means to each person to be old fashioned.

It sounds like you are very happy in your relationship, Satya. All the best.
We have a generation of young men who do not understand the concept of taking a woman out for an evening,treating her well,making her feel valued and letting her know you appreciate and enjoy her company.I asked some of the girls who work for me how often they go to a restaurant with their partners and I was amazed at the answer.Some of these girls have never been invited to dinner without knowing they would have to pay their own way. I'm not talking about teenagers but women in their early to mid twenties and these girls work in a gym so they are fit,good looking women.It seems these days young men are trying to play by a rule book that nobody actually possesses.They are so afraid of appearing weak that they come across as arrogant *******s.
Then they wonder why they don't get a second date.
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post #88 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:53 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Originally Posted by wild jade View Post
I'm not really evaluating him so much as his interest level in me. I also find guys who think I'll be impressed by their money (or position) a big turn-off.

As I said, I'm not looking for a free meal. Just whether or not he's actually interested in me or just looking to slum it for some fun and a quick lay.
Whatever info you get is surely helpful.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #89 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:57 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
We have a generation of young men who do not understand the concept of taking a woman out for an evening,treating her well,making her feel valued and letting her know you appreciate and enjoy her company.I asked some of the girls who work for me how often they go to a restaurant with their partners and I was amazed at the answer.Some of these girls have never been invited to dinner without knowing they would have to pay their own way. I'm not talking about teenagers but women in their early to mid twenties and these girls work in a gym so they are fit,good looking women.It seems these days young men are trying to play by a rule book that nobody actually possesses.They are so afraid of appearing weak that they come across as arrogant *******s.
Then they wonder why they don't get a second date.
The girls get asked out but they always pay?

Ar least they have the sense to refuse a second "date."

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #90 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:05 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

I think part of the issue in general is how the roles of men and women have changed, which in many respects conflicts with the more conservative stance some here share (including myself). For example, you hear about women wanting to be treated as equals, women equaling/exceeding men financially, etc... (all things I have no issues with) but then some of those very same women expect special treatment b/c they are women. So which is it, you want to be treated as equal or you want special treatment (or you want both as long as it benefits you). Something doesn't quite jive with this. On the other side, you have some here claiming that a guy's "trustworthiness" is based on his willingness to pay for dates, or the real doosie is claiming that a guy should always pay to simply avoid giving a woman too much power

I do wonder, for women who are doing well financially, is there some sort of sliding scale as to when you should offer to pay or contribute (not factoring in marriage or maybe a LTR where your finances are all commingled), or is it basically "You aren't a real man if I have to ever pay".

Unfortunately, if you expect that a guy needs to wine/dine you indefinitely, then you can't complain when he has an expectation that this should lead to sex.

All you can hope, is that both people are honest about their expectations, lay the cards out there and see where they fall, instead of playing games based on your own personal expectations.
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