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post #91 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:16 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

Dug was joking about giving women too much power. That is what I understood by the wink, anyway.

But I have to say, a man's paying, particularly when you know it is just part of his character, with no expectations, can be a real aphrodisiac, at least to some of us. Definitely shows confidence.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #92 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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I was talking about this thread tonight with my sons. The oldest said that men usually *want* to pay on a date, because it is a way of asserting dominance. He said that if the man does not pay, it is not a date.

I think his comment on dominance relates to the building of sexual tension by paying that someone here (@Bananapeel?) alluded to earlier. Now, this is probably only going to work if there is a male dom/fem sub dynamic already present. (Reverse who pays if you are in a domme/male sub relationship.)

So here is a question. For the folks that prefer an even split of some sort, how do you maintain sexual attraction?

ETA: @lovelygirl, please let me know if you consider this a threadjack, and I will be happy to start a separate thread. Very interesting topic, btw. Thank you for starting this discussion!
Not sure I understand why you think sexual attraction is keyed to money. I have always made a blue collar living. I have never been rich and honestly never want to be. I don't drive fancy cars or have a fancy house or wardrobe. I have always maintained that relationships should be 50-50 but that doesn't mean equal. But financially a woman I am with will need to contribute as I'm not interested in financing everything thing we do. Never have I been in a sexless relationship. Attracting a partner and maintaining one has never been an issue.
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post #93 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:28 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

I will say this though one reason I have never resented spending money on my GF is because she is always genuinely grateful when I do. I mean we have been together almost 3.5 years and even just last week I bought her a burrito at chipotle. Nothing fancy just a quick lunch after a hike we took. Walking out she said "thank you so much for lunch baby". She always does that and I never feel taken advantage of as a result.
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post #94 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:29 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Not sure I understand why you think sexual attraction is keyed to money. I have always made a blue collar living. I have never been rich and honestly never want to be. I don't drive fancy cars or have a fancy house or wardrobe. I have always maintained that relationships should be 50-50 but that doesn't mean equal. But financially a woman I am with will need to contribute as I'm not interested in financing everything thing we do. Never have I been in a sexless relationship. Attracting a partner and maintaining one has never been an issue.
So for the women you have been with, power may not have been part of their attraction? Or maybe there was a different sort of power?

Money is a form of power, after all. Not the only one and surely not even the most important one. But a form of it.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #95 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:37 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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The girls get asked out but they always pay?

Ar least they have the sense to refuse a second "date."
What they said was they would normally just meet for drinks and maybe have something to eat in whatever bar they were in but at least half of them said they felt it was expected of them to pay their own way.I brought up the subject of being asked out to dinner and it seemed an alien concept to some of them,the younger ones mainly.Now these girls are very open with me and when I told them about collecting my dates,paying for everything and making sure she would get home safely it shocked a lot of them but they all agreed it would be great to be treated so well once in a while.
The all agreed I would be coming home in the taxi with them too.lol.
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post #96 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:37 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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So for the women you have been with, power may not have been part of their attraction? Or maybe there was a different sort of power?

Money is a form of power, after all. Not the only one and surely not even the most important one. But a form of it.
Money might be a type but I know for certain any woman who desired that above all else isn't someone who would interest me in the slightest. And I have met a few who wanted a certain lifestyle, or a guy with a certain car, or house. And that's fine that they weren't interested in me as a result because I certainly wasn't interested in them if that's what they wanted. End of the day we all find mates we are compatible with hopefully .

Most all the women I have dated at one time before me dated a rich guy (compared to me), not hard to do when I'm pulling in civil service wages lol. Most of them all had the same story that they felt like an object or a thing, just another shiny toy. They found that a complete turn off. So my power is probably that I don't treat them like objects or beneath me but rather as an equal.
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post #97 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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I think part of the issue in general is how the roles of men and women have changed, which in many respects conflicts with the more conservative stance some here share (including myself). For example, you hear about women wanting to be treated as equals, women equaling/exceeding men financially, etc... (all things I have no issues with) but then some of those very same women expect special treatment b/c they are women. So which is it, you want to be treated as equal or you want special treatment (or you want both as long as it benefits you). Something doesn't quite jive with this. On the other side, you have some here claiming that a guy's "trustworthiness" is based on his willingness to pay for dates, or the real doosie is claiming that a guy should always pay to simply avoid giving a woman too much power

I do wonder, for women who are doing well financially, is there some sort of sliding scale as to when you should offer to pay or contribute (not factoring in marriage or maybe a LTR where your finances are all commingled), or is it basically "You aren't a real man if I have to ever pay".

Unfortunately, if you expect that a guy needs to wine/dine you indefinitely, then you can't complain when he has an expectation that this should lead to sex.

All you can hope, is that both people are honest about their expectations, lay the cards out there and see where they fall, instead of playing games based on your own personal expectations.
To be fair the comment about not giving a woman too much power was a joke.
The biggest problem with dating is there is so much bs attached to it,all these "rules".Should the man pay,should the woman at least offer,should we go Dutch.
I played by my own rules and I always paid except when my date would insist it was her turn.With my long term gf she tries to pay as often as she can but it is not necessary.
Instead of worrying about who is going to pay,spend the time getting to know the person you are with.
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post #98 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:48 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

barf!

any man who don't pay is a cheap sob.


Just the way it is.
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post #99 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:49 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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To be fair the comment about not giving a woman too much power was a joke.
The biggest problem with dating is there is so much bs attached to it,all these "rules".Should the man pay,should the woman at least offer,should we go Dutch.
I played by my own rules and I always paid except when my date would insist it was her turn.With my long term gf she tries to pay as often as she can but it is not necessary.
Instead of worrying about who is going to pay,spend the time getting to know the person you are with.
Although I do think that part of the comment was made in jest, based on other posts I would bet there is some truth to that comment ...

I see the whole issue now as a generational issue, not a specific gender issue. I don't ever see myself having to date again so fortunately it is not something I will ever need to navigate through lol.
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post #100 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Not sure I understand why you think sexual attraction is keyed to money. I have always made a blue collar living. I have never been rich and honestly never want to be. I don't drive fancy cars or have a fancy house or wardrobe. I have always maintained that relationships should be 50-50 but that doesn't mean equal. But financially a woman I am with will need to contribute as I'm not interested in financing everything thing we do. Never have I been in a sexless relationship. Attracting a partner and maintaining one has never been an issue.
I think it is safe to say that money/power is attractive to women (some, many, IDK?). What I mean by that, if a guy has money/power, he will have a larger pool of women to choose from. Doesn't mean at all that he will somehow find the right person for him, just simply that the numbers would fall in his favor, other qualities that maybe aren't quite as attractive would get overlooked. On the other side, and as you have pointed out, just b/c you aren't rich and don't drive a fancy car doesn't mean you can't attract women or can't having meaningful sexual/emotional relationships.
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post #101 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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I brought up the subject of being asked out to dinner and it seemed an alien concept to some of them,the younger ones mainly.Now these girls are very open with me and when I told them about collecting my dates,paying for everything and making sure she would get home safely it shocked a lot of them but they all agreed it would be great to be treated so well once in a while.
You hear about this nonsense all the time. A lot of today's young men just expect to sit their lazy asses on the couch with their date and watch a movie. Wow. Such effort and romance - be still my beating heart.

LOL...may I also assume these troglodytes order in a pizza to eat during the movie so it's considered "dinner and a movie?"

No wonder these young ladies were impressed with you, Andy. They don't know what it's like to date a true gentleman.

Last edited by She'sStillGotIt; 03-28-2017 at 09:24 AM.
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post #102 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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You hear about this nonsense all the time. A lot of today's young men just expect to sit their lazy asses on the couch with their date and watch a movie. Wow. Such effort and romance - be still my beating heart.

LOL...may I also assume these troglodytes order in a pizza to eat during the movie so it's considered "dinner and a movie?"

No wonder these young ladies were impressed with you, Andy. They don't know what it's like to date a true gentleman.
And it does not require a lot of money. It does require consideration.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #103 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Although I do think that part of the comment was made in jest, based on other posts I would bet there is some truth to that comment ...

I see the whole issue now as a generational issue, not a specific gender issue. I don't ever see myself having to date again so fortunately it is not something I will ever need to navigate through lol.
I am not even sure it is generational. There have always been women who earned money, for example, and women who accepted to carry their husbands, financially and otherwise, through life.

I think this is more about a woman's expectations and what a man considers his responsibilities.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #104 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:54 AM
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Re: Who should pay on dates?

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barf!

any man who don't pay is a cheap sob.


Just the way it is.
Or he simply has not been educated any other way.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #105 of 628 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:59 AM
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Cool Re: Who should pay on dates?

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
I think it is safe to say that money/power is attractive to women (some, many, IDK?). What I mean by that, if a guy has money/power, he will have a larger pool of women to choose from. Doesn't mean at all that he will somehow find the right person for him, just simply that the numbers would fall in his favor, other qualities that maybe aren't quite as attractive would get overlooked. On the other side, and as you have pointed out, just b/c you aren't rich and don't drive a fancy car doesn't mean you can't attract women or can't have meaningful sexual/emotional relationships.
Not to be intentionally contradictory, but sometimes, I really wonder about the accuracy of that statement!

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