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Who should pay on dates?

50K views 682 replies 88 participants last post by  Francis Brant 
#1 ·
I friend of mine, 35 y.o. is single and hasn't been in a realtionship for 3 years now. During one of our discussions, she said "I don't need just a guy in my life... I need a man. But where are men today? To even think that they can't even pay you a dinner? A real man wouldn't allow me to pay for the dinner, even if I insisted on doing so...".

This got me thinking if men here agree with this saying or not.

Do you think you should pay most of the time or you dislike it when you're the one paying most of/all the time?
Would you prefer she paid most of the time?
or you think both partners should take turns?
Is there any difference if you're at the early stages of dating/relationship ?

I will say my opinion later.
 
#3 ·
I think that if a guy asks a woman out then he should pay, at least on the first date.If it becomes a regular thing then maybe take turns but of course that depends on the financial situation of both parties.I would be kind of old fashioned in that I found it very embarrassing if my date tried to pay for dinner,when I was dating that is.
 
#5 ·
I would pay (and there are many asides as to why) BUT I can understand why some men don't want to. They say the equality movement should make all those old ideas of chivalry go out the window (which are kinda sexist, if you really think about it). Because feminist have all these ways to undercut men's role in relationships. It's like they want to give a man the responsibilities of manhood but not the privileges.

They may say, "Oh, a man should pay, Be a man."
Man, "Who is the head of the relationship?"
Her, "There is no head, you chauvinist. We are both our own heads."
Man, "Well, as equals, we will split the bill 50/50."
*drops his half and walks off*

Since back then men were the only ones working and making money it made sense for them to be the ones paying. Now with women finding success just as often -- if not more often -- as men, they should have no problem chipping in on the cheque. And not have this entitled attitude to a man's money.

Couple that with the fact that many date for fun, to get a good time and a free meal and it makes you wary of being used.

What @Andy1001 says makes sense too. If you asked her out then it would makes sense that you would pay.
 
#255 ·
I think the is guy screwed no matter what happens. If he pays, he's sexist and a chauvinist if he doesn't or pays half of the bill, he's cheap. Whereas if the woman if tries paying even half of the bill the guy will insist to pay the whole bill. She gets a free meal and a night with a nice guy, the guy gets insulted but still tries to get a next date.
 
#6 ·
My personal rule always was... the person who asks for the date, pays for dinner/drinks.
I payed plenty of times for a man's meal and drinks. Sometimes, he'd try to insist on paying, and if he really wanted to, I wouldn't argue with him.

Many times I offered to pay for half, if he asked me out, but I thought the meal/drinks were on the expensive side.

I have known many women who felt that the man should always pay, I just can't fathom that concept myself.
 
#7 ·
I would not trust a man who did not expect to pay.

I hope my daughter would not, either.
 
#10 ·
But do you ever feel obliged to ever pay for a dinner date, even if you are the one who does the asking; or, as a female, do you feel that you are you always entitled to free meals and drinks as dictated by some rather old-timey societal norms?

The prior would definitely sound as the most equitable to me!
 
#8 ·
@jld, I'm curious... what is it about a man not paying that brings about mistrust? Can you be more specific?
 
#11 ·
I think a man's paying shows maturity and respect for his date. He is taking responsibility for her comfort, perhaps in a small way, but significant to me. It is the sign of a gentleman.

I understand some may find this sexist. I think it reveals a lot about his character.

Honestly, I would see anything else, regardless of who did the asking, as a red flag.

And I certainly hope my sons will know this instinctively.
 
#9 ·
I think this is a situation that people,well, men in particular tend to overthink.Instead of enjoying the company of their date for the evening they are thinking about who's going to pay.I always,from my first date ever(Hello Molly) assumed I would be paying and if my date insisted on paying I would let her unless it was expensive and I would at least pay half.
 
#17 · (Edited)
Regarding the fine art of dinner dating, Ol' Arb is a "male chauvinist" from all the way back whenever Tyrannosaurus Rex's freely roamed the earth with resounding authority!

It's just ingrained in my inner being to pay for both the dinner tab and the movie tickets, more especially if I have done the "inviting!"

Now if she absolutely puts her foot down and says that this is on her, then just who in the hell am I to remotely argue with that logic?

Trust me! It's overwhelmingly appreciated and I'll make it up to her in many other appreciative ways!
 
#20 ·
Ol' Arb is a "male chauvinist" regarding dinner dating from way back when Tyranasaurus Rex's freely walked the earth with resounding authority!

It's just ingrained in my being to pay for the dinner tab and the movie tickets, more especially if I do the inviting!

Now if she absolutely puts her foot down and says that this is on her, then just who in the hell am I to remotely argue with that logic?

Trust me! It's overwhelmingly appreciated and I'll make it up to her in other appreciative ways!
I am just amazed you are still single, arb. You are such a charmer!
 
#21 ·
I watched the video. I did not agree with it. Why should she pay?

If you invite a friend, I would agree you should share the bill. But this is not called dating.

Even if she invites you, the gentlemanly way is to offer to pay. If she wants to pay because she did the inviting, I would insist at a minimum to pay for my half.

Maybe I am old fashioned. I do not want to give women too much power :wink2:.
 
#24 ·
I figure whoever picks the venue or chooses the activity or does the inviting should be the one to pay the bill. Ideally, they would take turns, and be likely to choose dates in keeping with their financial situation. If one person is controlling and dictates everything the couple does, then that person is going to end up paying more often!
 
#30 ·
If she insists on paying for her (not your) meal, wouldn't you assume that the date didn't go that well? That she wasn't that into you? I wouldn't expect a second date if that happened to me (wouldn't ask for one either). Back when I was dating, I never even considered that there would be dates I didn't pay for. I guess times change.
I think it could mean she does not yet trust you. So she does not want to feel obligated to you in any way.

If you are patient, and work on earning her trust, that apprehension could evaporate.
 
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#31 ·
I don't think there are hard and fast rules about this.

I am old school enough to appreciate what your friend is talking about and am definitely "that" man who will fund whatever date I ask a lady out for.

That being said, I think if a woman wants to ask a man to do something with her where she is choosing the events for the date, she should probably be ready to fund it.

Maybe whoever is asking and planning the date should pay until you are into a relationship far enough to plan it together.

I will say that a man who can't pay for dinner from his mid twenties on is probably not a good choice of mate unless there are special circumstances.
 
#37 ·
On a first date I would offer to pay for half of the dinner, but would be turned off if he accepted on the first date. If the relationship continued than I would be more than happy to pay for half off our dates and depending on whether he made more money than me I would not take no for an answer half the time or be the one to set up the date and pay for it before hand.

I know some men might feel bad letting a woman pay at anytime but I would feel like I was taking advantage of him if he always paid, especially since I make a decent wage.
 
#38 ·
I dated a girl once for about 2 weeks. We went out a handful of times and she never once offered to pay. This is a sensitive area for me - I'm overly concerned about being taken advantage of- and so I said "when do you think it's appropriate for the woman to offer to pay?". She said "I'm an old fashioned girl, I expect the man to always pay".

She was a cutie and we had chemistry but after she said that I knew I'd never ask her out again.

Lots of posts about who pays on the first date.

There should never be dinner on the first date unless you've already met in real life and you know there's good potential.

First "meetups" especially with the ever so common internet "blind" date should be scheduled as something fast and cheap, a coffee or maybe a drink in a local pub, because the odds are there won't be a second date, why spend time and money on a person with whom there is a small possibility that things will click and you'll see them again?
 
#53 ·
Stixx,
I do believe it's ok to ask this type question, if however I was asking, it would be a bit more open ended.

For example: What is it you normally like to do (excluding sex), to show a guy that you like him?

Because the difficulty in this transition period, is that 'some' men and women try to select the 'subset' of 'new' rules that favor them, without considering what seems 'fair'.

--------
Let me put this another way. I expect to pay for dates - full stop.

I DO like it when partners offer to pay - because I sometimes say - sure you get the tip. But the reason I do so, isn't to shave 20 points off the cost of dinner. The reason is I want to see how they tip. If the service was at least decent: Below 15% is an immediate deal breaker. It means they exploit situations where the rules are based on protocol - not law.

If the service was great - and they leave only 15% - I would top it up to 20/22 percent with a smile. That is a nice little exercise as well. Because a solid citizen won't take offense at that.
 
#42 ·
#43 ·
I'm in the dating world now and have always been relatively traditional in my thinking. I like to be in charge of the dating process so I am the one to ask the woman out and I am the one to pay. If she occasionally offers to take me out, I'd graciously accept it, but I consider that the exception and not the rule. I've found that most women are quite receptive to this style, and even those that consider themselves to be feminists like a man to take the lead, plan the date, and cover the expense. A big part of dating is building attraction, so following a traditional male role makes it easy to do since each side knows what to expect.
 
#45 ·
If I asked a woman out for dinner or whatever for a date I would be expecting that I would pay. She is gracing me with her company so IMHO its the least I can do.

I think going Dutch is something for more established relationships like when you're living together.

jld in the quote above sums it up best.

Quite happy to be called old fashioned....
 
#47 ·
My guy (we call him real Estate, or RE for short) made it very clear from the very first date that he was paying. And that he would always pay. He also opens doors for me, and other chivalrous things :)

As a very independent gal, this kind of freaked me out initially, because I was used to paying my own way... but then I realized, this is really nice. He WANTS to spoil me. He WANTS to spend his money on me. He WANTS to make me feel special and valued. I'd never had anyone do that for me before, and it was really refreshing. I do occasionally pay for things, like every once in a while I will pick up dinner and bring it to his place... or I get a Blue Apron box, but then I cook it and share it with him. Or if I want to go to something (a concert or event), and I invite him, I'm the one purchasing the tickets. It will never be 50/50 in terms of how much money we spend, he will always be spending more $$$ on me.

We have this joke, and we'll intentionally do this in front of other people because it's funny... the check will come, and he'll say something like, "Aren't you going to get that?" or something along those lines, and I'll respond, "No, that's not how this works." But the joke for us is there's a second part to my answer that goes unsaid. The full answer is, "No, that's not how this works. I have a *****, which means I don't have to pay."

This dynamic works for us, even though it took a while for me to become comfortable with it. Initially, it felt to me like RE might be trying to buy my affection (I am, after all, a decade younger than he is), and it took me some time to understand that wasn't the case, that my interpretation was MY hang-up and not necessarily a reflection of his intentions (my mother taught me that if anyone ever did anything nice for you, it was because they wanted something--in her mind, no one was every simply of generous nature). And initially, I also felt guilty of taking advantage of such generosity... but again, I realized that it was MY hang-up (again, thanks Mom). And I made him promise that he should tell me if he ever thought I was taking advantage.

Before my relationship with RE, I would have said that who pays should be 50/50... but now I'm changing my tune. And if I ever find myself in another relationship, I'll have similar expectations. Because it's not actually about the money.
 
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