FWB-how do you handle it? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 12:39 AM
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Cool Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

I've never ever considered FWB, because at least for me, sex is just way too emotional and far more attaching!

I mean, exactly how does FWB work? Is it just a "pull-it-out, put-it-in, wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am(or sir)," without the benefit of kissing or oral sex, which, in my book, is all just way too intoxicatingly attaching!

Sorry, but this old fart just couldn't do it! Sex and all of the associated, lovely accoutrements should strictly be reserved for my serious, "attached" relationships!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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Last edited by arbitrator; 04-09-2017 at 05:58 PM. Reason: Edification
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post #47 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 01:03 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
@MrsHolland


First, there's no need to be surprised as not everyone will think the same as you do;
Second, careful with your 'tone' when refering to me or my country, regardless of what/where the country is;
Third, I expressed a reality which exists in many parts of the world, whether you like it or not. My post was not about what I think of women who experience FWB ..but rather about what some GUYS think of these women;
Forth, whether I'm young or old, whether I live in Europe or the States or Asia...truth is...women who experience FWB are not always considered to be GF/wife material for many guys. It is an unfortunate reality that I've experienced many times in the circle of my friends - foreign or native ones. So it's not just about my country and/or age, as you put it.
Fifth, I live in the same century as you live in and I'm surprised that in 2017 there are still people who don't know that experiences and opinions have different colors and aspects.
Lol

well you made a very broad statement that implied women that have FWB are sleeping around.

And while I appreciate the time it took you for your little list, I don't succumb to being micro managed on forums. So yeah if you want to have discourse great but your list is a tad OTT.

I asked your age because your attitude is not aligned with my experience of the above 40 crowd, especially post divorce.

I did not use any "tone" but if you read it that way then that "tone" is in your head as you read.
I did not ask what country you are from, perhaps you need to re read the post. I asked if you are from a parochial country town as they are synonymous with small mindedness. So if you are going to get all worked up about a post then read it properly first

Thankfully where I live and my crowd are all very progressive in their thinking, it is 2017 after all.
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post #48 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 03:36 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Be brave enough to be authentic and find someone who loves you for you, you will have a much better relationship is you don't start it with secrets.
I agree with this.

If someone cannot accept your past, why would you want to be with them?

No one is worth hiding or lying for.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #49 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 03:47 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
I've never ever considered FWB, because at least for me, sex is just way too emotional and far more attaching!

I mean, exactly how does it work? Is it just a "pull-it-out, put-it-in, wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am(or sir)," without the benefit of kissing or oral sex, which, in my book, is just way too intoxicatingly attaching!

Sorry, but this old fart just couldn't do it! Sex and all of the associated, lovely accoutrements should strictly be reserved for serious, "attached" relationships!
I am curious as to why you would think that FWB sex does not include kissing, oral etc?

Just to get this straight FWB can have an emotional connection in the form of friendship and mutual respect.
FB is probably more akin to sex for the sake of it eg bootycall.
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post #50 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:38 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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What if he has a guilty conscience and tells her?

What if the actual numbers were 2 instead of 20?

Okay, no need to discuss, but not everyone admires men with a high count, nor faults women for having one. Just sayin'.
From the last sentence in your post I can read that you don't get the point I am trying to make.My point is the hypocrisy of the fact that women have to lie about their past sexual partners just to fit in.I never said anywhere that it is something to be proud of to have a high number but I did say I regret nothing about my past.I never hurt anyone and we always parted on good terms.
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post #51 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 06:07 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

I've had a few past friends (female) who would prefer fwb. I couldn't do it personally because sex is a bonding act for me, of the strongest kind, and I'd rather not put myself in a crash & burn scenario with someone temporary.

My friends all spoke highly of their fwbs, that is until they started to desire more of a connection from the constant sex/orgasms and promptly found themselves dumped after working up the courage to ask for more.

They knew what they were doing, but I'd hear no end of lamenting. One threatened to commit suicide. I remember talking her down and helping to get her into therapy.

I know that some women can compartmentalize sex and strong feelings, but I really do not think it is a common ability. Or, they truly think they can compartmentalize, and maybe they do for a while, but they eventually get attached.

I didn't intend to deviate from the topic, which was how does one handle their fwb. From my 3rd party perspective experience, the way my friends handled it was varied, but each of them seemed to be missing something from their lives, something they couldn't quite articulate. They may have been sexually satisfied, but I wouldn't call them happy. Maybe they were not the real stuff of fwb. Maybe they did want a stronger relationship but weren't ready and just wanted sex? I'm really not sure. I lost touch with them all when I moved back to my home country.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #52 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 07:05 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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It would be interesting to see the age demographic of these replies. I don't think the term FWB was around when I was younger. Maybe because of societal views at the time it wasn't accepted as mainstream as it is today. I have slept with a couple of friends in the past. There was no decision of it being a recurring thing,as they came about more out of circumstance. The thing I have noticed about myself as I've grown older is that what I accept today has changed in accordance with the amount of selfishness I've been able to overcome.
I get the feeling that terms like FB, FWB and booty call were coined in the early eighties. At university (late 70s, early 80s) we were doing those things but did not yet have a name for it.
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post #53 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 07:57 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
From the last sentence in your post I can read that you don't get the point I am trying to make.My point is the hypocrisy of the fact that women have to lie about their past sexual partners just to fit in.I never said anywhere that it is something to be proud of to have a high number but I did say I regret nothing about my past.I never hurt anyone and we always parted on good terms.
I certainly do not think women should lie to fit in, either. Far from it.

Are you sure you did not hurt anyone? It is hard to believe that not one of those gals had feelings for you.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #54 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:16 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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I certainly do not think women should lie to fit in, either. Far from it.

Are you sure you did not hurt anyone? It is hard to believe that not one of those gals had feelings for you.
Well unless it was a crush they had I was never around very long so any meaningful relationship never had time to get off the ground.When I say I moved around a lot I really mean it.The entire year I was twenty one I never got home,always hotels,always top class.Just to have someone for a bit of company was great and I spoiled them rotten.
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post #55 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:17 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

I don't think women have to lie about their active past, I just think we need to be discrete. No one wants things "in your face."

This is why I say women need to choose wisely their FB or FWB partner because you want him to be as discrete as you are. And some men, given my experience, after a while do not want to remain discrete. Even if they are not interested in an LTR.

My experience is that my FWB partner was Jewish and said that he keep his mother happy by marrying a nice Jewish woman. I had just recently moved and was trying to build a social life. We did fun things together. But when one of his friends hit on me, he c0ckblocked him. He started becoming sloppy, less reliable. He borrowed money off me and took forever to pay me back (mind you, he was making 6 figures at a strategy consulting firm) and so on.

There is nothing morally wrong with these types of relationships in principle. Just operationally, you should never lose control of the relationship. If the other person isn't following any explicit or implicit agreements (like being discrete) then it's time to end the relationship and move on.

If the other person feels that by YOUR rules, they are getting nothing out of the relationship, then they need to decide to move on. (I am pre-empting anyone here who might accuse me of using this guy.)

I only deal with people of adult age and if they are capable of landing 6 figure jobs, then they have some form of a brain inside their heads, they are capable of exiting the relationship as well.
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post #56 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
Well unless it was a crush they had I was never around very long so any meaningful relationship never had time to get off the ground.When I say I moved around a lot I really mean it.The entire year I was twenty one I never got home,always hotels,always top class.Just to have someone for a bit of company was great and I spoiled them rotten.
But you said that several of the young women working for you at the gym have offered to sleep with you, right? So undoubtedly a lot of women have been attracted to you. Unusual if they did not have feelings for you, don't you think?

Yes, it is nice that you paid for things when you went out. But would you want your own daughter treated that way, would you be satisfied with just that for her, if her heart longed for more from a young man?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #57 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
I think people, regardless of gender, need to be careful.

There is nothing casual about casual sex.

More problems have come out of abusing or disrespecting the gift of sex.


Everyone has slightly differing tolerance for sexual history.

Personally, I could be with a woman who did everything possible except illegal, as long as she had left it behind to become 100% mine.

Unfortunately, I am also very territorial and a woman who had relations with friends would have to give them up for me.
Just like you, I find it hard to have casual sex ...although sometimes I wish I could feel more free in that department and go with the flow. It would make me more immune to feelings and it would prevent me from a quick emotional attachment with someone.
Either one or the other, sooner or later will want to have more...unless they both know (in their conscious) that there's not real future.

As for your territoriality, it's fair enough. After all, why would I be interested in keeping a friendship someone I had only some casual sex with. I wouldn't really care about him afterwards so giving up would be easy for me I guess.
If my SO wanted to still be around his casual F*ck budies then I'd consider it a red flag.

Although, it depends on the situation. I don't want to judge anything/anyone without know how things went.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #58 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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But you said that several of the young women working for you at the gym have offered to sleep with you, right? So undoubtedly a lot of women have been attracted to you. Unusual if they did not have feelings for you, don't you think?

Yes, it is nice that you paid for things when you went out. But would you want your own daughter treated that way, would you be satisfied with just that for her, if her heart longed for more from a young man?
I don't really understand what you are asking me.Nobody forces people to have ons or fwb it's a mutual arrangement between two willing people.As for my employees I have never touched any of them and don't intend to either.You seem to be making it sound like something sordid but it is anything but.It is two willing people having some fun and nobody gets hurt,if someone starts to get emotionally involved then it is time to pull away.
I intend to shoot the first ten boys who hit on my daughter,just as a warning to others.

I'm joking.

I think.
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post #59 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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I don't really understand what you are asking me.Nobody forces people to have ons or fwb it's a mutual arrangement between two willing people.As for my employees I have never touched any of them and don't intend to either.You seem to be making it sound like something sordid but it is anything but.It is two willing people having some fun and nobody gets hurt,if someone starts to get emotionally involved then it is time to pull away.
I intend to shoot the first ten boys who hit on my daughter,just as a warning to others.

I'm joking.

I think.
That is what I mean. You realize the risk of someone's developing feelings, likely the woman. I am sure you would not want that for your daughter.

Andy, all those girls were someone's daughter.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #60 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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There is nothing fair or unfair about it. People are allowed to have choices in a mate. What you advocate in the last post was lying to them to give yourself more choices. This post and this one makes you sound pretty entitled. It's no different then if you are not religious and you don't want to be with someone who is. Do you advocate lying about that too?
Where in my posts did I advocate lying?? Read carefully please.
I was simply saying that the double standard was not OK for me but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to lie to your partner about exes or past FWBs. He either accepts my exes/FWB or he's gone. His problem, not mine.

I didn't even mention 'lying', nor meant it.

Quote:
People make all kinds of choices about who they want in a mate and why. Why is the number of sex partners any more or less fair then any other reason exactly?
Just like it's fair to want to have choices in a mate, it's still fair to think that counting the number of ex-es is (per se) unfair.

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My next question is why would you want to be with someone who thinks so fundamentally different they you on sex that you have to hide who you are?
That's the problem of those who want to hide(TWWTH) and their current partners who have a problem with TWWTH's exes.

Personally, I've been asked in the past by one of the guys I was dating ...how many partners I had had or what type of sex I had had.
I told the guy to shut it and if he had a problem with my number then he was free to leave. What's worse, I lost respect for him because it showed a pure lack of confidence on his part.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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