FWB-how do you handle it? - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I didn't want a high number because I wanted it to be special and unique. Security had nothing to do with it. I had just as low numbers, not that I didn't have options. I have always seen sex as sacred to be shared with people you have a deep emotional connection with. I didn't want it to be anything other then a gift between two people as a final expression of that connection. My wife felt the same way. Frankly to think this way I had to be secure because sex count seems to be equated with manliness in today's society. I wasn't going to go to all of that effort and sacrifice and then end up with someone who didn't feel the same way.

Not everyone thinks that way because they are insecure. Funny you get insulted on the one hand for not being manly enough, and then you get insulted on the other for being insecure. It's crap.

I have no regrets.
He meant men who do not want a high partner count in a woman.

Dug did not care what my count was. He just loved me and wanted to be with me going forward.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #92 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:22 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
No insults intended I'm sure. Just candid conversation.

Maybe her experience was with one of the many, and there are many, insecure men out there.

You are a good example of the other group of people that are not insecure but avoid high partner count mates.
Nothing wrong with a low count, for either sex! Mine is pretty low, just not the baggage-free number *one* that I wish it were.

Like I said, I especially admire a man's holding out for that one special gal, and resisting the temptation to exploit any vulnerable ones.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #93 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by Wolf1974 View Post
I have never understood the rationale or had the desire to have multiple partners. I would have loved to only have ever been with my x and stayed married for life. Just was not the hand I was delt and I have done the best I could. But I certinaly never attributed my manliness to the number of women I slept with. Not a huge fan of casual sex. Doesn't work for me personally.
I think sometimes attraction just happens and people find themselves doing things that were not in their original plan.

And we are probably all doing the best we can, no matter how it may look to others.

Totally agree manliness or womainess has nothing to do with partner count. Though I think sincerity might.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #94 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:44 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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He meant men who do not want a high partner count in a woman.

Dug did not care what my count was. He just loved me and wanted to be with me going forward.
I didn't want a high number count in a mate, it had nothing to do with being secure it had to do with wanting them to feel the same way about sex that I did. I wanted the uniqueness to be just as important to her as it was to me. I would seem quite a waste to sacrifice, and sometimes when I was really attracted to someone there were temptations, and then end up with someone who didn't care. I was very open about that. It wasn't a judgemental thing it was just a lifestyle thing.
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post #95 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:50 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I didn't want a high number count in a mate, it had nothing to do with being secure it had to do with wanting them to feel the same way about sex that I did. I wanted the uniqueness to be just as important to her as it was to me. I would seem quite a waste to sacrifice, and sometimes when I was really attracted to someone there were temptations, and then end up with someone who didn't care. I was very open about that. It wasn't a judgemental thing it was just a lifestyle thing.
Well, my husband just loved me and wanted to be with me. He never asked questions about the past. What was important to him was our future together.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #96 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:55 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
Given that @TaDor was tempted to stray away from topic, here's a quote from one of his recent comments on FWB.

How do you handle FWB relationship?
Are you currently in one now?
Was there any temptation from you or your partner to give it a try and settle for a relationship?
What is ok to do when you're FWB and what's not okay to do?

*******************
How do you handle FWB relationship? Openly, honestly, ethically. If it started with dating with hopes of a relationship, then I say if that changes. We decide where to go with that - friends, FWB, or a clean break. If we agree to FWB, we also agree to bring up any changes that would affect us.

Are you currently in one now? No, I ended one about 6 months ago after about a year. Before that, I was in one for about 5 years, and before that I was in one for about 7 years.

Was there any temptation from you or your partner to give it a try and settle for a relationship? With the 5 year one, the three of us seriously considered if it would work as a poly relationship, but decided it would not. With the 7 year one before that (almost 17 years total now), there was no interest from either of us to have a relationship because of an incompatibility, but it's always been sort of a poly relationship because of deep feelings - still is - but hasn't been sexual in about 10 years. In both those cases, though, we remain friends and get together occasionally as friends without benefits.

What is ok to do when you're FWB and what's not okay to do? It's okay to do anything you both want, as long as status remains clear and no one is led to think otherwise. You don't represent yourselves as a couple, unless you discuss it and decide to try that. If you date others, you disclose it and decide how to handle that. It's not difficult if you're always honest with each other and treat each other with kindness and respect.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #97 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 06:03 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I am a relatively sexual person, I've just found that i need a deep bond to show it.
^^This. I'm a very sexual woman, I love sex, but I need a deep and trusting bond to really show that side of myself.
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post #98 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 07:36 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
I think sometimes attraction just happens and people find themselves doing things that were not in their original plan.

And we are probably all doing the best we can, no matter how it may look to others.

Totally agree manliness or womainess has nothing to do with partner count. Though I think sincerity might.
I don't think I would agree that all are doing the best they can. I have just met way too many taking shortcuts to say that. At end of the day I don't regret the women I slept with. Only regret in life I have is who I chose for a wife. I do believe that had I chose better I would have been one of those one and done and never looked back.

One promise in life is you never know what you're going to get or what's going to happen to you along the way.
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post #99 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:15 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

Regarding FWB relationships I think a lot of how people handle it depends on where you are in life. What I mean is there are times when even if you want a relationship you just don't have the time to date because you are focused on other things like career, education, being a single parent to young kids, recently divorced, etc.. Giving an example of a scenario from my own life, I had an FWB that was in a grueling PhD program. She simply didn't have the time to date and/or meet new people. She knew exactly what she wanted and handled things just fine. One thing that @TaDor said is true. These are definitely no frills relationships. You don't do romantic dinners or long walks in the park. That doesn't mean that you don't care about each other at all though. You do have a good time together and really are friends, its just that meeting up is more geared towards the sexual aspect of things. You'd rather be in the bedroom with your FWB than out and about. This is horrible analogy, but its like having a tennis or golfing buddy, except you meet for sex instead. Its definitely not for everybody though.
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post #100 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:20 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by lovelygirl View Post
Why do you guys regret having had more than one partner?
Having been in other relationships/sexual encounters before made you be who you are today.
Probably you wouldn't be so good to your partners, so devoted and so understanding if you didn't have those past relationships.
Don't regret it!

I, on the other hand, wish I had 10+ partners when it's not even close to that...not even close to half of that.
My psychological state and my flaw to over-think things.. impedes me from pursuing as many men as I want.
I'm pretty sure I would regret it if I only had one sexual partner. That I would be wondering what else was out there. That I would've probably married someone not at all suited to me just because I wanted to connect with someone ....that the whole relationship would probably be a disaster that would end anyway, leaving me single and looking for someone else ....

I've no regrets over the men that I've slept with. Okay, maybe one or two regrets -- but the "one and only" thing is definitely not for me.
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post #101 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:42 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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I'm pretty sure I would regret it if I only had one sexual partner. That I would be wondering what else was out there. That I would've probably married someone not at all suited to me just because I wanted to connect with someone ....that the whole relationship would probably be a disaster that would end anyway, leaving me single and looking for someone else ....

I've no regrets over the men that I've slept with. Okay, maybe one or two regrets -- but the "one and only" thing is definitely not for me.
I feel that way as well. I got the experimentation over with.

Sometimes I come across posts on message boards in which someone is wondering if they missed something having married and settled down with the first and only person that they had sex with (women and men).

The Duggar model of courtship does not suit me.
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post #102 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:02 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

I have no issue with FWBs, just so long as I'm not one of them. If I need a FWB, I stick some batteries in it.

I have no moral objection to the concept. Do what you want just so long as you don't harm others, is my attitude. I just prefer to make such intimacy a little more than the satisfying of a primal urge with whatever "Friend" happens to be available. If a guy can't handle laying the groundwork, and the concept of exclusivity, then there's plenty of others standing in line waiting to take their turn.

Besides, the wreckage left strewn about from this second (arguably third) sexual revolution provides me with quite a few clients, and a great standard of living.
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post #103 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:56 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

I don't have an issue with a FWB. However, without the connection the sex really isn't as satisfying even if they are dynamite in bed. I personally prefer a relationship, even if it's a lower commitment type of relationship (i.e. dating vs boyfriend/girlfriend) vs a FWB.

As far as the number issue goes, that's never been a concern of mine on either the male or female side. I don't even know what a high vs low number is. I just know that at my number I've tried everything I've wanted to sexually, know what I like and dislike, and don't feel like I have missed out on any experience.
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post #104 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
Coming from a man with a lot of experience, understand I am not bragging and regret my history, having many women did not help me in any way with my relationship with Mrs. C.

I later used the experiences as points of data that can be useful in understanding attraction and some points about spontaneous sex.

Emotionally, I have bad memories of my promiscuity. I was not in a good place which was a catalyst for my behavior.

In my heart, I have only wanted to become one with one woman.

I can have a sense of humor about sexual history and even laugh about it now but during the time I was having sex with multiple women, my mental and emotional health was not good.

I am a very sexual and passionate man. That was not developed by multiple women having sex with me.

It was who I always was. I had to learn Mrs. Conan inside and out to become a good lover to her and all the other women were not only no help but a hindrance.

My first time with her, I was no better than a scared virgin who didn't know where to put his hands or other appendages.

I shook like a leaf in an October wind and she had to be patient with me.

The super stud that had bedded more than 60 women between the age of 14 and 20 was not present that night! LOL!

Now my confidence and strength in the bedroom grew by leaps and bounds that first week. I bedded her over 30 times, probably closer to 50, and had her making happy animal sounds rather quickly but that was who I always was regardless of any number of women I was with.

She was actually the most difficult to work out.

All my other conquests were either having seizure level orgasms within 15 minutes of getting naked with me or definitely by the end of an all night sexathon.

Mrs. C took about 3 days and many sex sessions to start "howling at the moon".

If I had been a virgin the first time we were together, it would not have made much of a difference except I wouldn't have had near as much baggage.
CH, I get your point but sometimes it's better to sow your wild oats so that you won't have regrets of not having tried things before in your life.
Sometimes, you regret things you DIDN'T do rather than those you did.

And to answer to your question, how many partners I'd like to have...well..I wouldn't mind dating 3 at a time or even experiencing sex with either one or two of them. Though, my fantasies and inner desires could be different from the reality.

There's this guy at my gym who was giving me hints about becoming FWB with me...
In my fantasies it would definitely be a yes...but in reality I don't think I could do it emotionless.

So you see? I have two sides of me. One who'd like to do some crazy stuff and the other who'd like to be more stable. It's like a battle with myself. But still, I wish I had many many more partners so I wouldn't be left wondering..."What's like to have him...to do this or that...?"

You get my point?

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #105 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I slept with a friend once.....it was at an emotional low point in my life and I felt horrible afterwards.

I'm just not a casual sex type of person. If you are that's certainly your business, but it probably means our value systems aren't compatible.

I am a relatively sexual person, I've just found that i need a deep bond to show it.
I think this is who I am. I've very sexual and don't mind experimenting but I need us to have emotions so that I can fully enjoy it and reveal the best part of me.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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