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post #106 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:55 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

Its just a matter of scale.

I prefer the LOVE connection with my wife while sex. But I didn't avoid getting my needs met otherwise before her. Its better than nothing.
Okay... you like cookies or cakes, right?

I like cakes too. There is a cake which is #1 favorite. Does that mean I must avoid the other cakes that I still like, but not my favorites?

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post #107 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:34 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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CH, I get your point but sometimes it's better to sow your wild oats so that you won't have regrets of not having tried things before in your life.
Sometimes, you regret things you DIDN'T do rather than those you did.

And to answer to your question, how many partners I'd like to have...well..I wouldn't mind dating 3 at a time or even experiencing sex with either one or two of them. Though, my fantasies and inner desires could be different from the reality.

There's this guy at my gym who was giving me hints about becoming FWB with me...
In my fantasies it would definitely be a yes...but in reality I don't think I could do it emotionless.

So you see? I have two sides of me. One who'd like to do some crazy stuff and the other who'd like to be more stable. It's like a battle with myself. But still, I wish I had many many more partners so I wouldn't be left wondering..."What's like to have him...to do this or that...?"

You get my point?
Yes. I definitely do understand. Whatever path you choose, just be wise and safe. I couldn't have sex without emotional impact as well and I did choose to bed many women. It hurt me quite a bit in the end and I realized something I knew all along. It wasn't who I was.

Just make sure not to be used, be a partner with anyone you make decisions with about sex, and be sure if you try the gym guy, that you are exclusive and safe.

Multiple FWBs gets tricky to juggle and increases risk of disease.

Always value yourself! If you wake up feeling sick about the previous night or start feeling generally low about yourself, cut it out until you get your bearings and can think clearly while still holding your head up with a smile on your face.

Be careful of partners. Some men have a really big mouth!

Best wishes honey! I'm hoping for something more substantial for you but just keep yourself healthy!
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post #108 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Just make sure not to be used, be a partner with anyone you make decisions with about sex, and be sure if you try the gym guy, that you are exclusive and safe.
I've already dismissed the idea of being FWB with him. I have a slight feeling that I'm the one who might get hurt so I'll leave it altogether and not go down through that path...especially not with him.

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Multiple FWBs gets tricky to juggle and increases risk of disease.
That is so true.
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Always value yourself! If you wake up feeling sick about the previous night or start feeling generally low about yourself, cut it out until you get your bearings and can think clearly while still holding your head up with a smile on your face.
If I decide to do something, I want to make sure that I want it too, not just him. So, I have learned not to do things just to please the other person if I don't like that thing to begin with. It's what you said, I don't want to get used.

Quote:
Be careful of partners. Some men have a really big mouth!
As for the big mouths, again, very true. Some me have FWB just to show off to their friends. Unfortunately, it's hard to tell what man brags about it and who doesn't. One thing I know for sure is that those who brag to me about their past, will also brag to other about what he did with me.

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Best wishes honey! I'm hoping for something more substantial for you but just keep yourself healthy!
Thank you!!! I do home something meaningful for me as well. I can't see myself going with the flow, unless I'm in moments of despair or boredom (which happens rarely)

*hugs*

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #109 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:12 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

So if you do the FWB thing and the person stays in your circle is it OK to keep that hidden from your spouse? How many post have we seen on here where the spouse finds out later and feels lied to by omission. Personally I think that sucks. I also don't get people who don't want to live authentic lives.

I know I wouldn't not be cool with that. I am not sure if I would care if I knew ahead of time though, again I would care more if it was kept hidden. But then I don't think I would end up with someone who had a FWB relationship. But say I did it would be an intimacy that my wife had with someone in my circle that was kept for me throughout the duration of my marriage that would be the betrayal. That would not be cool at all. I would have a hard time with my wife being good friends with someone she was in love with at one point. I have just seen too many issues with that.

However I feel no jealousy towards the guys she had sex with in the past. If I met such a person it may be weird but I would probably just make a joke about it. Nether my wife and I were virgins when we got married just low count. I don't feel bad about that, it is what it is. For me having the same idea of sex and what it represents was what was important to me in a mate, not that she was a virgin.
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post #110 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:23 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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So if you do the FWB thing and the person stays in your circle is it OK to keep that hidden from your spouse?
No, definitely not - you make sure your spouse knows. FWB are like any other ex.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #111 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:14 PM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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So if you do the FWB thing and the person stays in your circle is it OK to keep that hidden from your spouse? How many post have we seen on here where the spouse finds out later and feels lied to by omission. Personally I think that sucks. I also don't get people who don't want to live authentic lives.

I know I wouldn't not be cool with that. I am not sure if I would care if I knew ahead of time though, again I would care more if it was kept hidden. But then I don't think I would end up with someone who had a FWB relationship. But say I did it would be an intimacy that my wife had with someone in my circle that was kept for me throughout the duration of my marriage that would be the betrayal. That would not be cool at all. I would have a hard time with my wife being good friends with someone she was in love with at one point. I have just seen too many issues with that.

However I feel no jealousy towards the guys she had sex with in the past. If I met such a person it may be weird but I would probably just make a joke about it. Nether my wife and I were virgins when we got married just low count. I don't feel bad about that, it is what it is. For me having the same idea of sex and what it represents was what was important to me in a mate, not that she was a virgin.
I've been following this thread and really found it interesting...I have had about 3 FWB relationships and I really enjoyed them. They served their purpose for me, which was to fulfill that physical need that I wanted which was sex. I was young and horny. Interestingly, my last FWB relationship is my DW. We were acquaintances for a couple of years prior to, and we had lots of mutual friends. That is another story.

Anyway, you bring up an interesting angle. Fast forward to present times...So I am married with a family, living in the 'burbs. Same town for the past 35 yrs...DW & I moved to a new subdivision about 6 yrs ago and started making new friends. Around this time, our oldest had a bday party at a friends house and I agreed to take DD to the party by myself. I was a stranger in a strange land. I knew some of the people but they were merely acquaintances. Turns out, the DH was someone I knew based on prior conversations with DW...yup. He happened to be one of DW's **** buddies from way back when. HS; we all went to school together. So being that it was so long ago I am ok with it, I just can't dwell on it or I will go down the rabbit hole. But it annoys me sometimes. He is such a type A guy too, & he was very popular back in the day. Chicks dug him. He is also a year older than me. Times like these I always think, "Why me?!?", lol. We see these guys often.
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post #112 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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I really wish I had never been involved with anyone before Dug. I am one of those people who should have had a lifetime partner count of one.

But live and learn.
Who knows, @jld?

It could have been those precise experiences that led to meeting Dug in the first place. Maybe if you hadn't experienced them you would have never met Dug or felt the way you did about him if you had met him.

Odo and I had a similar conversation and we are sure that we would not have bonded as strongly as we did without our past experiences.

Sorry to t/j a bit.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #113 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 08:38 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Who knows, @jld?

It could have been those precise experiences that led to meeting Dug in the first place. Maybe if you hadn't experienced them you would have never met Dug or felt the way you did about him if you had met him.

Odo and I had a similar conversation and we are sure that we would not have bonded as strongly as we did without our past experiences.

Sorry to t/j a bit.
This is true, Satya. I certainly appreciate Dug more because of some of the experiences I had before him.

But I carry heavy baggage because of those experiences. In retrospect, at least, it does not seem worth it.

And yet, to have made different choices, I think my whole life before those choices would have had to be different.

Thanks for your post.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #114 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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This is true, Satya. I certainly appreciate Dug more because of some of the experiences I had before him.

But I carry heavy baggage because of those experiences. In retrospect, at least, it does not seem worth it.

And yet, to have made different choices, I think my whole life before those choices would have had to be different.

Thanks for your post.
I don't agree with the idea that all your past sexual experiences make you the person you are today.Maybe one or two experiences may bring back bitter memories which is what I think you are trying to say.The fact that you met Dug when you did had more to do with chance and being in a certain place in life than anything else.A lot of people meet their life partners in college but either of you could have chosen a different school to attend.In my own case fives minutes either way and I would never have met my gf.I courted her for a long time before she agreed to be my gf and for me that was unheard of.She knew nothing about me nor me of her but for me it was love at first sight.
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post #115 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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I've been following this thread and really found it interesting...I have had about 3 FWB relationships and I really enjoyed them. They served their purpose for me, which was to fulfill that physical need that I wanted which was sex. I was young and horny. Interestingly, my last FWB relationship is my DW. We were acquaintances for a couple of years prior to, and we had lots of mutual friends. That is another story.

Anyway, you bring up an interesting angle. Fast forward to present times...So I am married with a family, living in the 'burbs. Same town for the past 35 yrs...DW & I moved to a new subdivision about 6 yrs ago and started making new friends. Around this time, our oldest had a bday party at a friends house and I agreed to take DD to the party by myself. I was a stranger in a strange land. I knew some of the people but they were merely acquaintances. Turns out, the DH was someone I knew based on prior conversations with DW...yup. He happened to be one of DW's **** buddies from way back when. HS; we all went to school together. So being that it was so long ago I am ok with it, I just can't dwell on it or I will go down the rabbit hole. But it annoys me sometimes. He is such a type A guy too, & he was very popular back in the day. Chicks dug him. He is also a year older than me. Times like these I always think, "Why me?!?", lol. We see these guys often.
Does his wife know? You should slip that in somehow so he to deal with awkwardness too. ha ha.
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post #116 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:10 AM
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I don't regret any thing that happened in my past with FWB or ons. Sure, there were some crappy moments. Drama here and there. That's life.

The women that didn't turn into a serious GF, meant I also didn't have kids... Lucky me. A woman I dated that didn't work out, lead me to my wife a week later. So IMHO, every one you meet or date is part of the journey to someone you want to be with... Have kids, etc.

The thing about past FWB and having ego issues. Grow up. You didn't know your wife back then... And you yourselves are not virgins. I've met some of my wife's ex's / FWB and she has met mine. Whoopee do.

A lot of people are friends with their past sexual partners... That ended... Or didn't work out... So what. Now he can't hang out in your social circle? What are you all going to gang up on him and eject him?

If you want sex with some one and not want anyone to ever met him or her... Then you get a **** buddy / bootycall.
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post #117 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

I have no regrets about my FWB either. In retrospect, my first two FWB relationships were far, far better than my first marriage - warmer, more caring and loving, and of course far more sexual. The difference was that we knew we wouldn't be great marriage partners - something I wish I'd known before marrying my ex. At least my ex taught me how to avoid anyone else like her, and the need to seek a great match based on self-knowledge.

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post #118 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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I don't regret any thing that happened in my past with FWB or ons. Sure, there were some crappy moments. Drama here and there. That's life.

The women that didn't turn into a serious GF, meant I also didn't have kids... Lucky me. A woman I dated that didn't work out, lead me to my wife a week later. So IMHO, every one you meet or date is part of the journey to someone you want to be with... Have kids, etc.

The thing about past FWB and having ego issues. Grow up. You didn't know your wife back then... And you yourselves are not virgins. I've met some of my wife's ex's / FWB and she has met mine. Whoopee do.

A lot of people are friends with their past sexual partners... That ended... Or didn't work out... So what. Now he can't hang out in your social circle? What are you all going to gang up on him and eject him?

If you want sex with some one and not want anyone to ever met him or her... Then you get a **** buddy / bootycall.


Where on earth did you get that he couldn't hang out in our circle, or that we would gang up on him and eject him??? Wow, you mad bro? I said nor implied nothing of the sort.


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post #119 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:00 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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Does his wife know? You should slip that in somehow so he to deal with awkwardness too. ha ha.


Lol. That would be hilarious. My wife said that she didn't think her friend knew. The only reason I knew is because my wife and I have always talked about our past over the years. Just here and there. We never grilled each other like "what did you know and when did you know it!?"


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post #120 of 132 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:27 AM
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Re: FWB-how do you handle it?

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I don't agree with the idea that all your past sexual experiences make you the person you are today.Maybe one or two experiences may bring back bitter memories which is what I think you are trying to say.The fact that you met Dug when you did had more to do with chance and being in a certain place in life than anything else.A lot of people meet their life partners in college but either of you could have chosen a different school to attend.In my own case fives minutes either way and I would never have met my gf.I courted her for a long time before she agreed to be my gf and for me that was unheard of.She knew nothing about me nor me of her but for me it was love at first sight.
EVERY experience you have had makes you the person you are today. EVERY one of them.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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