Ideal wife has changed? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:13 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
It depends on what they do. But I think they are great. If they can clean the bathrooms, vacuum/mop. Most people I know who have housekeepers don't get their laundry done.
So there is still the... cooking, cleaning up after cooking, dishes, laundry, general sweep up, wipe down counters, take out garbage, grocery shopping that needs to be done on the regular.

It's probably a good habit to clean up dinner and do the dishes together.
I lived on my own up until Christmas when my gf and her son moved in and now she has had our baby.I have two full time housekeepers who cook,clean,do the laundry and anything else within reason that I ask them to.My gf has been hinting that WE should do our own laundry but so far I have resisted.
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post #32 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

I guess I am going to be the only one commenting on sex?
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post #33 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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In my M, my wife does >90% of the cooking. It used to drive her nuts if I came home from work and did anything 'lazy', while she was in the kitchen. (I need to unwind). After discussing stuff, I tend to hang in the kitchen and help out some. Meets her needs for attention and makes me appear 'less' lazy, even though I am not doing much...

I appreciate this. But do you ever think that when your wife comes home she wants to relax and unwind too? I think that if something has to get done and no one else does it I have to do it. Plain and simple. The last thing I want to do after a 12hr shift is cook. But guess what? No one else is going to do It so I have to. This is what causes resentment in marriage.
A lot of women would love to come home and relax like men do. But all we see is our to-do-list and it's not going to get done unless we do it. And that's why I believe women at the end of the day don't have energy for sex.
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post #34 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:20 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

If you take care of the belly and the balls, no right thinking man is going to worry if you are not all "dolled" up.

We want the clothes off and the hair all messy.

All we have to is shovel the snow, fix everything broken.....what a deal!

"It appears", you married a spoiled, well educated, white gloved gentleman. You need a "Man of all Seasons".

From "Your soup to his Nuts".

Just sayin!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #35 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

Oh. I forgot.

I kill or eradicate any pests be they rodent, insect or anything in between. LOL!

And...all car related issues or home repairs and I do more than half the shopping.

Last edited by ConanHub; 04-12-2017 at 04:25 PM.
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post #36 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by Wolf1974 View Post
You are 1/2 right.



I do expect my significant other to come to the table being confident, have her own life, work, dress nice be sexual.



And yes I also expect her to cook clean and help take care of the kids. I also hold myself and should be held to the same standard. I take care of my own kids, I do 1/2 the cleaning and 90% of the cooking. I work, have my own life , and confident. I expect my partner to be the same as me and do and be responsible for 1/2 of everything .


That's amazing. I wish all marriages were like this.
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post #37 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
This thread is making me feel old fashioned. But ya, I'm not really into super independent women. Give me a 50s housewife any day.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Is this how your wife is? And how old are you?
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post #38 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:23 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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That's amazing. I wish all marriages were like this.
They certinaly can be if you pick right.
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post #39 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:24 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

Physical attraction part being a given the rest is simple to describe, difficult to find.

1. Good at the mechanics of life
2. Emotionally positive

(1) Is basic resource management - being organized and disciplined - responsible with money/time....
(2) Being adventurous, happy, playful, funny

Those two things

Our stuff lasts forever because M2 is super good about maintenance. Our own bodies included in the 'maintenance' process.

She is super fun to be around. Even when she's being difficult - which is fairly often - she retains a playfulness that makes everything work.

She is always getting on my case about - my serial inVIDelities. Genuinely dislikes that I watch stuff without her.

We get to episode two of a series and she starts grilling me. Have you already seen this? Have you watched the whole damn series without me?

So I do this thing she taught me to do - by doing it to me - when I'm having a sort of phobic reaction. Caricature.

So I say: Nooo nooo in this high pitched voice - which in our house means - heck yes

And then I do some version of - why would I watch the series - already read the books and saw the play.

Converting genuine tension - over - control and synchronization issues - into laughter - is a very real positive theme between us.

And sometimes she slugs me - when I'm caricaturing her - and that's ok too. Transparency is good. But you have to help each other - laugh at yourselves when - you are being phobic.

The alternative would be to have a totally rational, but frankly very tense and emotionally draining conversation about who should get their way.

Playful people - are generally irresistible.



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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
A wife for me is simply that. Anything she brought to the table, I obviously accepted because I loved her.

Be she a high earner / career woman or homemaker.

We will work it out.

A woman that can attract me enough to marry her has everything she needs.

The rest is just details.

No hard and fast rules where I'm concerned.

Partners but not identical in all aspects.

I do most of the cooking and she does most of the cleaning.

We both take care of the dog.

We both love screwing each others' brains out.

I have always earned more but if her workday is longer than mine, I have dinner ready and sometimes a mineral bath, waiting for her.
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post #40 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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You talked to him first about this though right? Because just leaving it in the basket probably ain't going to cut it. Most men are just going to pull the stuff out of the basket when needed. Unfortunately you should have talked about this before you got married. Gonna be harder now.


We have. It's a issue right now, but won't be in the future.
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post #41 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

Man there is nothing better than a simple, organized, well balanced life. *dreaming
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post #42 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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...It seems that what a man wants in a wife has changes throughout the years. I remember learning/thinking/seeing that men kinda wanted a subservient type of wife. One that worked less, was available to him and the family, one that tended to the home and children. And now it seems that men want a more independent wife, one that doesn't NEED help, one that has her own life....
It seems most are talking about what is the current Cosmo-girl or Esquire vision of an ideal wife.

For me there is something far more profound in what you posted.

What I have wanted in a wife has changed over the 46 years of marriage as our situations have changed.

When I was a dirt poor college graduate student, my wife helped support us financially (I had multiple jobs at and outside the university and had a scholarship to do my part).

When we had children and she stayed home to take care of them, I wanted a wife who would take care of them so I could focus on being a good provider and make sure that the mortgage payments were always made on time.

When the children were in school she went back to work and she wanted me to be their sports coach after school, on weekends, and I wanted her to give me the time to do that.

When the kids left home for college and careers and we became empty nesters, I wanted someone to reconnect with and share time together. The concept of shared recreational interests became something that I really got to understand. She also wanted to go back to graduate school and really advance her career. I supported her financially and spent weekends doing things had helping proof read her thesis and research papers.

Now that we are established in both our careers and financially very comfortable and planning retirement, we each want a travel partner and someone to share grand-parenting duties with.

One of the things that David Schnarch points out is that marriage is one of the hardest things two people can do, if done correctly. The reason is that we are two separate people, who have come together to form a single social family unit. We each grow and emotionally mature at different rates. That creates conflict between us that stresses one or the other and pushes or pulls them to emotionally grow or to reach a compromise that both can live with.

Yes, your newly wedded friend is struggling with huge emotional growth, but more huge (since she didn't live wither her husband before marriage or have sex with him) is that she and him have had to change (aka grow) even more than most newly married couples in the first few months of marriage.

Marriage especially at the start is a huge change.

Now to transition to what most are talking about. If one partner in a marriage is a clear leader and the other a clear follower, then the transition is perhaps less. Once upon a time when both husband and wife lead a subsistence existence either on a farm or industrial city setting, then self-fulfillment wasn't really an option. In such times a clear marital leader and clear follower probably reduced stress and clearly defined gender roles helped reduce the stress of marriage.

Today, self-fulfillment is constantly being stressed in the media and culture. Gender roles are also more fluid with stay at home dads, and corporate executive wives. So in today's culture yes, Getting a Life allows for more self fulfillment, independence, etc.
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post #43 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:41 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

If you have a mechanically solid life - with a high playfulness quotient - sex just happens pretty easily.




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I guess I am going to be the only one commenting on sex?
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post #44 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:50 PM Thread Starter
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Ideal wife has changed?

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If you have a mechanically solid life - with a high playfulness quotient - sex just happens pretty easily.


I think that when life is at it's busiest (my guess is when you have young kids, and careers/jobs) chores, and Efficiency of time is critical. We always have a to-do-list, some which can be ignored. But when you have young kids you can't ignore your to-do-list and so your time and energy goes toward getting all that stuff done as opposed to spending quality time with husband and wife. I think this is the time when men feel their wives neglect them sexually and women feel they have no energy to even think about Sex let alone have sex.


To me it seems this time I described above is a difficult time for couples. It seems there are a lot of posts on TAM about their unhappiness with their marriage or lack of sex.

I also think this is the time when resentment can build up because of how tough this time is. (Correct me if I'm wrong).

This is my observation... I am not at that point in my life yet. Would love to hear from those who experienced it.
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post #45 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I also think that us women need to stop trying to do it all and make our men step up. I guess it's true that we teach people how to treat us in a way.

I'm going to start to make my husband help me clean up after dinner. That is when we actually have dinner together which is rare.
Right now I'm refusing to fold his laundry and put it away. (He hasn't done it yet, it still lays clean and unfolded in the laundry basket).

I feel like I take on the "help" and I am no longer this sexy self with a life. But it's my fault because I feel like I know he isnt going to do anything so I take it upon myself to do everything. I am really sabotaging myself and I need to stop. I'm a work in progress!
I'll play the male @EleGirl here and point out that not all men do this.

I actually pick up my wife's underwear from the bathroom floor!
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