Ideal wife has changed? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:58 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

Not how it works for me. My wife is independent, has an advanced degree, a good job and an artistic hobby. I have an advanced degree, good job and a non-artistic hobby. Because we both work, we share chores.

We don't do the same things, but we both feel like the chores are balanced: She cooks, I clean and put away. I do the bills, she does the taxes. Various other chores get done by one or the other of us.

So yes its good to "be ndependent, work, confident, have our own life and work, dress nice and whatever", but then you shoudl not be expected to "cook/clean/take care of the kids" by yourself.

Ideally each of you would be having frequent wild sex with the other.




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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I feel like this whole independent wife who has her own life thing is hard to achieve and casts impossible expectations on women. Maybe I'm wrong?
So we're suppose to be independent, work, confident, have our own life and work, dress nice and whatever, but at the same time we have to cook/clean/take care of the kids, and still have time to look sexy while having wild sex with our husbands all the time. It seems like we have to do everything. Am I wrong?
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post #47 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

Idk, I think many men like or even need to be needed. It's part of their nature, to be needed by their women. To be respected. Whereas women want to be respected also, but we want to be loved, cared for, protected. Not saying all women, but that is also part of our nature. I think the problems come in when we fight out nature.

We can be independent as women, and still be interdependent in our relationships with our men.

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post #48 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Is this how your wife is? And how old are you?
She's not completely like this. She works part time and does probably 80% of the house work. I do the outside stuff, maintenance and cook about half the time. She does things on her own to a certain extent but not nearly as much as me. I'd say on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being Lady Gaga and 1 being June Clever she's about a 3.5. I'm 46, she's 47. 3 kids, married 25 years in August.
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post #49 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

Lady Gaga hahahah
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post #50 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:40 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I feel like this whole independent wife who has her own life thing is hard to achieve and casts impossible expectations on women. Maybe I'm wrong?
So we're suppose to be independent, work, confident, have our own life and work, dress nice and whatever, but at the same time we have to cook/clean/take care of the kids, and still have time to look sexy while having wild sex with our husbands all the time. It seems like we have to do everything. Am I wrong?
Yes, you are wrong. But it isn't your fault. Those are the expectation that society dumps on us. The same holds true for men, we are supposed to be strong yet sensitive, have own life but be dependable, work but be available, be exciting but dependable etc etc. It seems we have to do everything as well. Women and men have unrealistic expectations heaped on them by a society that is undergoing a rapid transformation while holding on to aged and outdated traditions. Many marriages fail because of the unrealistic expectations we accept for our selves and our spouses, all of which lead to unhappiness, resentment and eventual divorce.
I have discovered you are better off to write your own script rather than read the lines written for you. If people don't like your ad-libbing too bad for them but better for you.

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post #51 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:45 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Or at least pull a load (no jokes). I don't cook my wife wouldn't want to eat the food I cook. My wife doesn't cut the grass. We both do the laundry together. I do the bathrooms and sweep, she dusts and wet mops. Teamwork.
I love cooking for Real Estate when I'm over at his place. It relaxes me after my day at the office, and he jokes that he gets to play at "1950s Dad." It puts me in the zone of being fully present with him when we sit down to eat, and he is always very appreciative, because while he's a grown man and can fend for himself, everything he cooks tastes the same because he just randomly throws every seasoning he has into the pot/pan, so he really likes it when I cook. But he insists on doing all the cleaning after, no matter how big of a mess I make. But if I've had a rough day, he knows it by looking at me, and insists on taking me put for dinner. He never expects me to cook--it's always my choice.

And he LOVES mowing the lawn, for some reason. If we lived together, he would never let me mow the lawn, which is just as well since I've never touched a lawn mower.

I would expect that things would be the same if we were living together or married, and I think we would be happy with that. Even now, I bring him "man" things to do. Just last night, he helped me change my car headlight. And by helped, I mean I stood next to him and held stuff while he did it.

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post #52 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:48 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

If I wanted to mow my own grass I wouldn't have had kids.
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post #53 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:49 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
I agree with you on this.When this question is asked the answer always seems to be what it is my wife can DO for me,what does she BRING financially and physically to the marriage.It seems to me that some men are preparing for divorce before they have the wedding.I want nothing financially from my partner,I trust her to be faithful,she has given me a beautiful baby and I have my house paid for and earn enough money for both of us.Everything else is just small stuff and you should never sweat the small stuff.
Not everyone has the same financial state that you have. There are a many men out there who can't financially support themselves, their wife, the kids and the house...without the financial help of their wife.

It's not small stuff anymore when money is tight.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #54 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:53 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by happysnappy View Post
I think this is true for both men and women. In my late teens and early 20's I was looking for someone nice to look at that was fun to spend time with. After kids I realized that I needed a provider, confidant and leader as a husband. In my late 30's it hasn't changed much. This is why I don't believe it's good to get married so young


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Even women have changed nowadays. They don't accept to be catered by their husbands as it makes them feel weak.
In case of divorce, they are able to handle the financial situation without being codependent on their soon-to-be-ex-husband.

Personally, if I had to depend myself on my partner, it'd make me feel invaluable. My ego doesn't allow me to depend on him plus in his eyes I wouldn't be that respectful.

Deep down, men generally want a life partner, not another "kid" (their wife) to take care of as it feels like a burden for them.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #55 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 05:59 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Not everyone has the same financial state that you have. There are a many men out there who can't financially support themselves, their wife, the kids and the house...without the financial help of their wife.

It's not small stuff anymore when money is tight.
I accept your point but she asked for everyone's opinions and everyone's life is different.You may think I have a charmed life but things have happened in my life that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
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post #56 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:00 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
A wife for me is simply that. Anything she brought to the table, I obviously accepted because I loved her.

Be she a high earner / career woman or homemaker.

We will work it out.

A woman that can attract me enough to marry her has everything she needs.

The rest is just details.

No hard and fast rules where I'm concerned.

Partners but not identical in all aspects.

I do most of the cooking and she does most of the cleaning.

We both take care of the dog.

We both love screwing each others' brains out.

I have always earned more but if her workday is longer than mine, I have dinner ready and sometimes a mineral bath, waiting for her.
^That would be ideal for me.

Depending on the couple's workload, the partners share the house-chores, cooking, washing ...without prejudicing who must do this or that. It should depend on the day, situation...etc. Both should contribute in a way or another.

It's both unattractive when men DON'T do any chores at all just like it's unattractive when they do ALL the chores in the house. The same goes for wives.

Balance is the key.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #57 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:04 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I also think that us women need to stop trying to do it all and make our men step up. I guess it's true that we teach people how to treat us in a way.

I'm going to start to make my husband help me clean up after dinner. That is when we actually have dinner together which is rare.
Right now I'm refusing to fold his laundry and put it away. (He hasn't done it yet, it still lays clean and unfolded in the laundry basket).

I feel like I take on the "help" and I am no longer this sexy self with a life. But it's my fault because I feel like I know he isnt going to do anything so I take it upon myself to do everything. I am really sabotaging myself and I need to stop. I'm a work in progress!
It's really important to send him the message that you won't do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING anymore.
You're not his mom, nor his servant. Sacrificing this much will make him lose attraction as he notices that you can put up with many things.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #58 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:05 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Man there is nothing better than a simple, organized, well balanced life. *dreaming
That is not life. It's as fairy tail as Disney. Life is crazy, tiring and messy. Marriage is hard work and the most rewarding thing you can do. Enjoy the ride.
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post #59 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:08 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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I appreciate this. But do you ever think that when your wife comes home she wants to relax and unwind too? I think that if something has to get done and no one else does it I have to do it. Plain and simple. The last thing I want to do after a 12hr shift is cook. But guess what? No one else is going to do It so I have to. This is what causes resentment in marriage.
A lot of women would love to come home and relax like men do. But all we see is our to-do-list and it's not going to get done unless we do it. And that's why I believe women at the end of the day don't have energy for sex.
Cook 2 meals on the weekends then alternate through the week. That is what we do, then he can heat it up for you and vice versa.
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post #60 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:08 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I appreciate this. But do you ever think that when your wife comes home she wants to relax and unwind too? I think that if something has to get done and no one else does it I have to do it. Plain and simple. The last thing I want to do after a 12hr shift is cook. But guess what? No one else is going to do It so I have to. This is what causes resentment in marriage.
A lot of women would love to come home and relax like men do. But all we see is our to-do-list and it's not going to get done unless we do it. And that's why I believe women at the end of the day don't have energy for sex.
Start detaching yourself from the kitchen...slowly. One day cook and on the other one, don't. Let him know that you feel tired just like him and expect him to show his talent on the kitchen as well.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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