Ideal wife has changed? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:14 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Cook 2 meals on the weekends then alternate through the week. That is what we do, then he can heat it up for you and vice versa.
Cooking 2 meals on the weekend takes time...takes away your weekend when all you need to do is more relaxation..instead of spending double time in the kitchen.

Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #62 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:21 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

Katie,
M2 wanted to be a SAHM. And she was great at it. I worked extra hard so that she could do so - without us having any financial stress.

So - M2 kind of accepted that and prioritized accordingly.

Attraction level was good - and then - to be honest we had kind of an understanding which was that outside the bedroom she had a disproportionate level of control and inside the bedroom I had a disproportionate level of control.

That said we are both good to each other. When my work schedule was bad she made life 1950s style easy for me.

Now that my work schedule is easier - she comes home to dinner on the table and after dinner I clean up. Because I can tell she is a bit tired. And I'm not.

I like taking care of M2.

And I'm only saying this to reinforce the concept that love is more important than fair. My comp is more than double hers.

It my schedule is easier. So I try to make her life easier at home. That feels right to me.





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I guess I am going to be the only one commenting on sex?
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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I think that when life is at it's busiest (my guess is when you have young kids, and careers/jobs) chores, and Efficiency of time is critical. We always have a to-do-list, some which can be ignored. But when you have young kids you can't ignore your to-do-list and so your time and energy goes toward getting all that stuff done as opposed to spending quality time with husband and wife. I think this is the time when men feel their wives neglect them sexually and women feel they have no energy to even think about Sex let alone have sex.


To me it seems this time I described above is a difficult time for couples. It seems there are a lot of posts on TAM about their unhappiness with their marriage or lack of sex.

I also think this is the time when resentment can build up because of how tough this time is. (Correct me if I'm wrong).

This is my observation... I am not at that point in my life yet. Would love to hear from those who experienced it.
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post #63 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Cooking 2 meals on the weekend takes time...takes away your weekend when all you need to do is more relaxation..instead of spending double time in the kitchen.


I do think that meal prepping takes time but saves you more time in the long run.
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post #64 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:31 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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I do think that meal prepping takes time but saves you more time in the long run.
You can do it for fun together on the weekends without being exhausted.

Here is the thing though, you married a brain surgeon right? That means he is going to be very busy and is a high achiever. In a lot of ways it's like marrying a pro athlete. That is really not a 9 to 5 lifestyle at least not at first.
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post #65 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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You can do it for fun together on the weekends without being exhausted.

Here is the thing though, you married a brain surgeon right? That means he is going to be very busy and is a high achiever. In a lot of ways it's like marrying a pro athlete. That is really not a 9 to 5 lifestyle at least not at first.


Cardiothoracic surgeon
I know, eventually we will pay for housekeepers and stuff. But until then...
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post #66 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:54 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

We had a very brief discussion about babies and night time and sleep.

We both agreed that M2 could always catch up on any missing sleep during nap times the next day. I couldn't. And I did not work as effectively when sleep deprived. This is just practical stuff.

All I know is M2 created a terrific environment - allowed me to focus hard on work and get us into a good spot. And part of that was by doing it while being nice about doing it.




Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
You can do it for fun together on the weekends without being exhausted.

Here is the thing though, you married a brain surgeon right? That means he is going to be very busy and is a high achiever. In a lot of ways it's like marrying a pro athlete. That is really not a 9 to 5 lifestyle at least not at first.
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post #67 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

As long as there is appreciation shown on both sides instead of expectation being a 1950s housewife is all good.
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post #68 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:30 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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It seems most are talking about what is the current Cosmo-girl or Esquire vision of an ideal wife.



For me there is something far more profound in what you posted.



What I have wanted in a wife has changed over the 46 years of marriage as our situations have changed.



When I was a dirt poor college graduate student, my wife helped support us financially (I had multiple jobs at and outside the university and had a scholarship to do my part).



When we had children and she stayed home to take care of them, I wanted a wife who would take care of them so I could focus on being a good provider and make sure that the mortgage payments were always made on time.



When the children were in school she went back to work and she wanted me to be their sports coach after school, on weekends, and I wanted her to give me the time to do that.



When the kids left home for college and careers and we became empty nesters, I wanted someone to reconnect with and share time together. The concept of shared recreational interests became something that I really got to understand. She also wanted to go back to graduate school and really advance her career. I supported her financially and spent weekends doing things had helping proof read her thesis and research papers.



Now that we are established in both our careers and financially very comfortable and planning retirement, we each want a travel partner and someone to share grand-parenting duties with.



One of the things that David Schnarch points out is that marriage is one of the hardest things two people can do, if done correctly. The reason is that we are two separate people, who have come together to form a single social family unit. We each grow and emotionally mature at different rates. That creates conflict between us that stresses one or the other and pushes or pulls them to emotionally grow or to reach a compromise that both can live with.



Yes, your newly wedded friend is struggling with huge emotional growth, but more huge (since she didn't live wither her husband before marriage or have sex with him) is that she and him have had to change (aka grow) even more than most newly married couples in the first few months of marriage.



Marriage especially at the start is a huge change.



Now to transition to what most are talking about. If one partner in a marriage is a clear leader and the other a clear follower, then the transition is perhaps less. Once upon a time when both husband and wife lead a subsistence existence either on a farm or industrial city setting, then self-fulfillment wasn't really an option. In such times a clear marital leader and clear follower probably reduced stress and clearly defined gender roles helped reduce the stress of marriage.



Today, self-fulfillment is constantly being stressed in the media and culture. Gender roles are also more fluid with stay at home dads, and corporate executive wives. So in today's culture yes, Getting a Life allows for more self fulfillment, independence, etc.


This post is my ideal and we are pretty close to the same pattern.


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post #69 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:46 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Even women have changed nowadays. They don't accept to be catered by their husbands as it makes them feel weak.

In case of divorce, they are able to handle the financial situation without being codependent on their soon-to-be-ex-husband.



Personally, if I had to depend myself on my partner, it'd make me feel invaluable. My ego doesn't allow me to depend on him plus in his eyes I wouldn't be that respectful.



Deep down, men generally want a life partner, not another "kid" (their wife) to take care of as it feels like a burden for them.


I'm in no way implying that I want to be dependent but someone has to lead and someone has to support. Ideally both would be supportive of each other. I work 2 jobs and help raise more kids than the average family, I can fix cars, plumb a house, drywall and run machinery. There is nothing wrong with any of those things. I stayed home for many years and honestly wanted to work part time to help contribute and to have adult interaction in my life. We struggled a lot with the change in responsibility when I took a part time job. He wants me to be home so projects will get done. I selfishly need the break and he is supportive of that and picks up the slack. I'm lucky I guess. Not everyone is obviously.


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post #70 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:50 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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This post is my ideal and we are pretty close to the same pattern....
One of the things that the Sex Therapist who helped save our marriage did was have us visualize what we wanted our marriage and sex life to be in 5 years, 10 years and 20 years in the future. That got us to thinking about not only where we were, but where we both wanted to be and if that was us together or not.

So, what stage of your relationship are you at? My wife and I are late 60's soon to be 70's. Unless one of us does something really stupid I expect we will see a 50th wedding anniversary.

Good luck to you.
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post #71 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:55 PM
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Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
One of the things that the Sex Therapist who helped save our marriage did was have us visualize what we wanted our marriage and sex life to be in 5 years, 10 years and 20 years in the future. That got us to thinking about not only where we were, but where we both wanted to be and if that was us together or not.



So, what stage of your relationship are you at? My wife and I are late 60's soon to be 70's. Unless one of us does something really stupid I expect we will see a 50th wedding anniversary.



Good luck to you.


We are late 30's early 40's and raising a passle of kids age 7-16. We both married other people after knowing each other as kids. We remained friends throughout and got back together years later. We have our issues but he is much better about hearing what I'm saying and working on us in the last year. We definitely battled it out in the beginning over responsibilities but are in a good place now


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post #72 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:05 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

Katie,

This was a mutual thing - we each did what we were best at. And I consistently tried to show my appreciation for M2.

Mostly successful in that - I think. And equally true in reverse.

Sometimes my work schedule was disruptive in unpredictable ways. And M2 would do this thing that was just incredibly lovable. Let's say I was supposed to get home from a trip on Wednesday. Last minute I'm jammed up a couple days. Of course I would call and let her know asap. And I would apologize for being delayed even though it wasn't really my fault. It wasn't my fault 'in the moment', but it sort of was my fault for having that type of job.

Thing is, I knew what I was coming home to. A kind of scripted thing we did. Big smile, hug, kiss - a pause. Me making this apologetic face - sorry for being two days late. And M2 giving me this devilish smile asking: how are you going to make it up to me?

Cool thing about that was - half the time I had an idea - half the time she did.



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As long as there is appreciation shown on both sides instead of expectation being a 1950s housewife is all good.
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post #73 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:42 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

I married a strong independant woman. When we met she told me about how i needed to think about things differently. It turned out she was right. I wanted a wife that would be a self contributing partner that was intelligent and capable of solving problems and obtaining her goals. She was exactly what I wanted. She has become a respected scientist and I am proud of her.

Like Mem we had to rethink some things. Her desire to ave kids and be a part of their lives was strong and part of her basic need. So for many years she worked part time to fulfill her needs as mom. She did a great job balancing work with motherhood and during this time she picked up more of the housework that we had split 50-50. But the bottom line was that she was mature enough and not afraid to speak her mind about her needs. She thought she could get working full time and being a mom but she realized her mistake and needed a change. Since we are partners I accommodated her needs as she did mine.

I think spouses don't really have roles like they used to but rather they do what they need to achieve the lifestyle they want.

The other key thing is that what is ideal for me is not necessarily ideal for another. The point being it is necessary for us to identify and marry those who match our needs and not to settle for anything else.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton

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post #74 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

1950s was almost 70 years ago. Pass! Bring on the new millennium.
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post #75 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 05:32 AM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Exactly!! It is a dilemma today. And then you have surveys going around that divorce rate increases as husbands do more chores. Then men complain that women want to divorce and take all their money. It seems we have to do it all, look good doing it, not nag or complain, and have energy to have sex at the end of the day. Something has to give.
That ain't nuthin' new, Katiecrna. That's been a pet peeve of mine for YEARS.

Women are expected to be Super Woman and do it all - bring in a paycheck, clean the house, cook the meals, do the food shopping and all menu planning, carry and birth the children then be their primary care taker for life, keep the home fires burning and everything running the way it should, and lavish tons of attention on her oh so deprived husband and become a sex kitten for him at night. Most women don't have time to care for themselves (go to the gym, do their nails, enjoy reading a book, etc. etc.) because they're so damned busy catering to everyone else in their lives. And the majority of men think anything THEY do to contribute is 'helping HER' and that she should fall on her knees in gratitude and be sure to thank him and give him a reward for doing it.

You have to love the fools who always use the 'equality' argument when they don't want to pay for dates, yet conveniently FORGET all about 'equality' when it comes to expecting a woman to do the overwhelming majority of the domestic chores and child-rearing instead of doing their EQUAL share. Hypocrites.

I've lost count of how many men whine and complain that they're bored and their sex life sucks and they simply don't understand why their wives - who've worked their damned tails off from 6am and have finally fallen into bed at 10pm EXHAUSTED - aren't eager to cater to their every sexual need.
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