Ideal wife has changed? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:27 AM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I didn't want to hijack this thread so I'm starting a new one...

It seems that what a man wants in a wife has changes throughout the years. I remember learning/thinking/seeing that men kinda wanted a subservient type of wife. One that worked less, was available to him and the family, one that tended to the home and children. And now it seems that men want a more independent wife, one that doesn't NEED help, one that has her own life.

It seems my husband is like this. Like he wants me to get a life so to speak, have my own thing going on so he doesn't feel guilty when he's not here. He always tells me he just wants me to be happy, like that is his one need. My friend recently got married, and she's this good girl, Christian, virgin, never lived together blah blah. And she is was telling me she is learning how to be a wife to a very laid back husband. It's like she doesn't know what to do, and she wants to do something to please him. I told her it would probably make him happy to see her get her own life so to speak. Anyway, she thinks this notion is really weird and she can't really adjust to it.

Men... am I wrong in thinking this is what you want?
I have a tendancy to agree with you Katie. However, what irks me is that it depends on the stage of life. I was a career person who wasnt planning on getting pregnant after 3 years of marriage, my H was estatic me not so. He would complain I was always working and never available to be at home or with him before I got pregnant.
We decided to have the baby.
I gave up my career (he wasn't willing to) though he was earning less than me- he did step up to the plate while I took care of household, supported his career and moved around the world for his career
However, when kids grew up he expected me to get a life, my own job, career etc and basically left me to it, with little support. It is not easy for a 40 something woman who has been out of the workforce for ten years.
While his life has been stable, supported, etc mine has been unstable with little support.
I am getting more qualifications, have a good job but feel there is little understanding or support for me having to go through so many different phases while he sails along.

I talk to my friends and they have husbands with similar mentalities, their expectations change as time goes by, yet the H sees himself as the provider, going to work coming back but the wife must do it all and manage through so many cycles in the life of the family unit.

in the long run it is better for a wife to have her own life throughout imo.
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post #77 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:34 AM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

Odo and I are both old-fashioned in certain respects. He is 15 years older and I'm by no means a 1950s housewife, but have always assumed that certain duties are my responsibility and I'm happy to do them.

By no means would I think he is sexist. Neither do I believe that I am, although we each have certain "expectations" of our own gender and of the opposite.

Without going into detail, I think we each do too much, however I am quite aware of when I need to have balance in my life. I know I can't do it all and I'm not going to waste my energy and my health trying. I'm going to do what I want to do and what I know I can do reasonably, and I understand that as my priorities in life shift, so must my responsibilities.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #78 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:42 AM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
What are your feelings about housekeepers if it's affordable.
Go for it! I live in Asia so I have gone for it! It relieves a lot of the annoyances about who does what in a relationship, leaving more time for other things to make life more fulfilling
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post #79 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:23 AM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Go for it! I live in Asia so I have gone for it! It relieves a lot of the annoyances about who does what in a relationship, leaving more time for other things to make life more fulfilling
I allready went for it,I've had housekeepers for years.When you hear the subject being discussed I feel like a cross between a puppy killer and a war criminal.These women are paid well and I have never had a complaint from them.They clean,cook,do my laundry and that's it.One of their husbands owns a landscaping business and he works for me a couple of days a week during the summer and maybe two days a month during winter.If they didn't work for me they would be working for someone else,that's how I look at it.
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post #80 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:30 AM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Oh. I forgot.

I kill or eradicate any pests be they rodent, insect or anything in between. LOL!

And...all car related issues or home repairs and I do more than half the shopping.
Yah, yah..

We ain't Doctors.

Brutes and Neanderthals we so be.

Everything under the Sun we do. Everything the Shes in our lives want done gets done. Uh...mostly, so.

We can stitch a sock or a shirt.

But not a wound or an appendix remove.

The physicians get the plum, we get the sweet strawberries. It all works out in the End...Game, the Roundy-Bout Dance.

And for none does none deliver. How big is your Honey-Do list?

How big is your bag of skill sets? Conan-SCM have big bags full.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #81 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:40 AM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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I appreciate this. But do you ever think that when your wife comes home she wants to relax and unwind too? I think that if something has to get done and no one else does it I have to do it. Plain and simple. The last thing I want to do after a 12hr shift is cook. But guess what? No one else is going to do It so I have to. This is what causes resentment in marriage.
A lot of women would love to come home and relax like men do. But all we see is our to-do-list and it's not going to get done unless we do it. And that's why I believe women at the end of the day don't have energy for sex.
she works ~5 hours a day. I work about 9-10. Particulars matter...
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post #82 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 08:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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she works ~5 hours a day. I work about 9-10. Particulars matter...


I agree it does.

Some may argue that total hours don't matter but timing does. I think sometimes we shouldn't quantify/qualify each other and use that as a reason not to do something.

Imo if someone works 5am-3pm and the other person works 12-6pm I personally would expect the 5-3 person to make dinner regardless of working more hours than the other for the simple fact that they are home first.

I guess everyone thinks different. Sometimes I think that if you have the time to do something you should do it. Not in a way that makes you kill your self doing everything but in a practical way. Vs using how many hours you work and how much money you make as excuses not to do something even if you have the time to do it.
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post #83 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 08:15 AM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I feel like this whole independent wife who has her own life thing is hard to achieve and casts impossible expectations on women. Maybe I'm wrong?
So we're suppose to be independent, work, confident, have our own life and work, dress nice and whatever, but at the same time we have to cook/clean/take care of the kids, and still have time to look sexy while having wild sex with our husbands all the time. It seems like we have to do everything. Am I wrong?
To be fair, the above bolded seems to be a bit of a stretch and an exaggeration. I think the whole point with wanting an equal or someone who is independent is the W should not be expected to be everything, just like the H shouldn't be.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses, so ideally you want to find someone who helps balance you out, who compliments you.

If I go back to the opening post, you seem to group a W who works less, tends to the home/children, as subservient. I honestly don't see that in the least, and find nothing appealing about that (maybe it works for those who prefer more of a father/daughter type relationship, IDK). Currently my W is a SAHM. Does that make her subservient to me, not in the least. Simply put, we both have roles to play (both as a couple and as parents), and currently me working fulltime with her being a SAHM makes the most sense. She is just as equal as I am, and we are just following the roles that work best for our situation.
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post #84 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 08:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post



If I go back to the opening post, you seem to group a W who works less, tends to the home/children, as subservient. I honestly don't see that in the least, and find nothing appealing about that (maybe it works for those who prefer more of a father/daughter type relationship, IDK). Currently my W is a SAHM. Does that make her subservient to me, not in the least. Simply put, we both have roles to play (both as a couple and as parents), and currently me working fulltime with her being a SAHM makes the most sense. She is just as equal as I am, and we are just following the roles that work best for our situation.

I just typed out this whole big thing rebutting you then I deleted it because I caught my prejudices.

I had a bad experience with SAHMs (my mom) and it's shaped my thoughts of them. And I mean SAHM for "careers" or years and years not SAHM for a couple months until the baby goes to school.

So anyway... your right. Being a SAHM doesn't have to be subservient, or less-than anything. But it COULD cause problems with power shifts, expectations, manipulation, self esteem blah blah blah. Sorry it's a sore spot and a sensitive subject for me, I'm learning not to project lol.
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post #85 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 08:41 AM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
I allready went for it,I've had housekeepers for years.When you hear the subject being discussed I feel like a cross between a puppy killer and a war criminal.These women are paid well and I have never had a complaint from them.They clean,cook,do my laundry and that's it.One of their husbands owns a landscaping business and he works for me a couple of days a week during the summer and maybe two days a month during winter.If they didn't work for me they would be working for someone else,that's how I look at it.
Are you suggesting that some people have a thing against hiring housekeepers?
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post #86 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 08:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Are you suggesting that some people have a thing against hiring housekeepers?


100%
You didn't know this? I was raised in a small town that shame women for many things. And it's women doing the shaming, to each other and to themselves. I went to a small Christian college and say it there too, as well as from my family.

Many women feel shame and guilt for hiring a housekeeper. They have it engrained in their head that it's their job and hiring someone to do their job means they aren't good enough. Look it up I'm sure there are articles on it.

Where I was raised... you don't hire housekeeper, and you sure as hell don't bring your kids to day care. Women are such haters on women, as well as the expectation we place on ourselves. Women feel guilt for having a house keeper, asking for help with the baby, bottle feeding etc. it's engrained in our head (at least some small town folk) that we have to do it all ourselves.
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post #87 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 08:55 AM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I just typed out this whole big thing rebutting you then I deleted it because I caught my prejudices.

I had a bad experience with SAHMs (my mom) and it's shaped my thoughts of them. And I mean SAHM for "careers" or years and years not SAHM for a couple months until the baby goes to school.

So anyway... your right. Being a SAHM doesn't have to be subservient, or less-than anything. But it COULD cause problems with power shifts, expectations, manipulation, self esteem blah blah blah. Sorry it's a sore spot and a sensitive subject for me, I'm learning not to project lol.
Well, maybe to help clarify your prejudices, per the bolded I don't think any woman considers herself a SAHM when she has maternity leave which is what your bolded implies

Also, to give you a little background, when my W and I started dating in college, we never imagined a point where either one of us would be a SAHP. When we got married, we never imagined this. When we first had kids we never imagined this. Eventually, by the time we had the 3rd kid it made the most sense for my W to become a SAHM for several reasons (she hated her nursing job, financially we are at a point where her income isn't needed, the exorbitant cost of paying for daycare or getting a nanny, and simply put this would allow for a better quality of life for everyone). We adjusted our roles to better fit our situation.

Sure, being a SAHM COULD cause problems with power shifts, expectations, manipulation, etc... Guess what though, having two working parents COULD cause the same exact problem. It has much more to do with the people involved then the situation itself.
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post #88 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 08:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

I have heard multiple women from my home town talk about "those women" or "those types of families" that use day care. Always with the underlying thought that they value career and money over their children. It's crazy.
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post #89 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 09:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Well, maybe to help clarify your prejudices, per the bolded I don't think any woman considers herself a SAHM when she has maternity leave which is what your bolded implies

.

It's interesting because I have heard people define SAHM differently. To me it means the mother is not working any job outside the home. I've heard people use the term SAHM to mothers working part time or per diem. Some people temporarily stay home until their child is pre-school age or at an age they feel comfortable going back to work like one year old. To me, that isn't a SAHM.
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post #90 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 09:05 AM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
100%
You didn't know this? I was raised in a small town that shame women for many things. And it's women doing the shaming, to each other and to themselves. I went to a small Christian college and say it there too, as well as from my family.

Many women feel shame and guilt for hiring a housekeeper. They have it engrained in their head that it's their job and hiring someone to do their job means they aren't good enough. Look it up I'm sure there are articles on it.

Where I was raised... you don't hire housekeeper, and you sure as hell don't bring your kids to day care. Women are such haters on women, as well as the expectation we place on ourselves. Women feel guilt for having a house keeper, asking for help with the baby, bottle feeding etc. it's engrained in our head (at least some small town folk) that we have to do it all ourselves.
This is news to me. Over here housekeepers (helpers, is the term used) are quite common and very affordable.

Particularly in wealthy neighborhoods, the culture surrounding "the help" is still very much the same as it was in slavery. You see them and the gardeners travelling to and from the homes. The women gossiping to each other about the lives and infidelities of their employers. The gardeners/guards boasting about their employers wealth, properties and dogs. It's quite fascinating watching them go by.

Last edited by Keke24; 04-13-2017 at 09:14 AM.
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