Ideal wife has changed? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
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Ideal wife has changed?

I didn't want to hijack this thread so I'm starting a new one...

It seems that what a man wants in a wife has changes throughout the years. I remember learning/thinking/seeing that men kinda wanted a subservient type of wife. One that worked less, was available to him and the family, one that tended to the home and children. And now it seems that men want a more independent wife, one that doesn't NEED help, one that has her own life.

It seems my husband is like this. Like he wants me to get a life so to speak, have my own thing going on so he doesn't feel guilty when he's not here. He always tells me he just wants me to be happy, like that is his one need. My friend recently got married, and she's this good girl, Christian, virgin, never lived together blah blah. And she is was telling me she is learning how to be a wife to a very laid back husband. It's like she doesn't know what to do, and she wants to do something to please him. I told her it would probably make him happy to see her get her own life so to speak. Anyway, she thinks this notion is really weird and she can't really adjust to it.

Men... am I wrong in thinking this is what you want?
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post #2 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:30 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

I think this is true for both men and women. In my late teens and early 20's I was looking for someone nice to look at that was fun to spend time with. After kids I realized that I needed a provider, confidant and leader as a husband. In my late 30's it hasn't changed much. This is why I don't believe it's good to get married so young


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post #3 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

I prefer a more independent wife, one who has her own life. She may need help sometimes, but then, so do I! And I want us both to be happy and fulfilled, in whatever ways that matter to us as individuals and as a couple. If anything, the idea of a woman being subservient to me kind of makes me feel ill. We are partners, equals - but bring our own individual strengths and weaknesses to the relationship.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #4 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

I feel like this whole independent wife who has her own life thing is hard to achieve and casts impossible expectations on women. Maybe I'm wrong?
So we're suppose to be independent, work, confident, have our own life and work, dress nice and whatever, but at the same time we have to cook/clean/take care of the kids, and still have time to look sexy while having wild sex with our husbands all the time. It seems like we have to do everything. Am I wrong?
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post #5 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:30 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I didn't want to hijack this thread so I'm starting a new one...

It seems that what a man wants in a wife has changes throughout the years. I remember learning/thinking/seeing that men kinda wanted a subservient type of wife. One that worked less, was available to him and the family, one that tended to the home and children. And now it seems that men want a more independent wife, one that doesn't NEED help, one that has her own life.

It seems my husband is like this. Like he wants me to get a life so to speak, have my own thing going on so he doesn't feel guilty when he's not here. He always tells me he just wants me to be happy, like that is his one need. My friend recently got married, and she's this good girl, Christian, virgin, never lived together blah blah. And she is was telling me she is learning how to be a wife to a very laid back husband. It's like she doesn't know what to do, and she wants to do something to please him. I told her it would probably make him happy to see her get her own life so to speak. Anyway, she thinks this notion is really weird and she can't really adjust to it.

Men... am I wrong in thinking this is what you want?
I have and will always want a partner. I want her to have her own life but I want to be included in that life, just like I include her in mine. I want to be the first person she thinks about when it pertains to her life and I want her to be the first person I think about. I want to be the first person she wants to tell when she is excited about something in her life, as she is for me. Even if I don't appreciate it the way she does. I can learn, I have empathy so I can appreciate it through her eyes. I have never had thoughts about independent or not independent. My wife is her own being. I want her to live her life to the fullest, I want to help her do that in any way I can. But I want her to want me along for the ride. That is exactly how I feel about her in my life. She is my wingmate, she rides shotgun when we are doing my things. I will do the same for her. Starkey and Hutch, Thelma and Louise, Han an Luke, sokillme and his wife, SKM'w wife and SKM.

Finally I want her to freely give herself to me physically even if she has fear or insecurity (I know that's a lot to ask). That doesn't mean always say yes, but it also shouldn't mean everything has to be perfect to say yes. What I mean is when she does give herself the motivation shouldn't be anything other then because she wants to, not covert contracts. And it should be enthusiastic about it most of the time. That should be just as much a partnership. Not something that is done out of obligation. It should be just as important as what ever it is in here life that she is passionate about.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-12-2017 at 02:36 PM.
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post #6 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:35 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I didn't want to hijack this thread so I'm starting a new one...

It seems that what a man wants in a wife has changes throughout the years. I remember learning/thinking/seeing that men kinda wanted a subservient type of wife. One that worked less, was available to him and the family, one that tended to the home and children. And now it seems that men want a more independent wife, one that doesn't NEED help, one that has her own life.

It seems my husband is like this. Like he wants me to get a life so to speak, have my own thing going on so he doesn't feel guilty when he's not here. He always tells me he just wants me to be happy, like that is his one need. My friend recently got married, and she's this good girl, Christian, virgin, never lived together blah blah. And she is was telling me she is learning how to be a wife to a very laid back husband. It's like she doesn't know what to do, and she wants to do something to please him. I told her it would probably make him happy to see her get her own life so to speak. Anyway, she thinks this notion is really weird and she can't really adjust to it.

Men... am I wrong in thinking this is what you want?
a wife that works won't take all your money if you get a divorce. the good ol days are over. were equals everybody should make their own way in the world.
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post #7 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
a wife that works won't take all your money if you get a divorce. the good ol days are over. were equals everybody should make their own way in the world.


Not true in any way shape or form. Stepkids biomom cleaned my husband out. Emptied all the accounts left him all the bills, quit the job where she made more than he did and he had to pay a crap ton in support.


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post #8 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:52 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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I feel like this whole independent wife who has her own life thing is hard to achieve and casts impossible expectations on women. Maybe I'm wrong?
So we're suppose to be independent, work, confident, have our own life and work, dress nice and whatever, but at the same time we have to cook/clean/take care of the kids, and still have time to look sexy while having wild sex with our husbands all the time. It seems like we have to do everything. Am I wrong?
I agree with you on this.When this question is asked the answer always seems to be what it is my wife can DO for me,what does she BRING financially and physically to the marriage.It seems to me that some men are preparing for divorce before they have the wedding.I want nothing financially from my partner,I trust her to be faithful,she has given me a beautiful baby and I have my house paid for and earn enough money for both of us.Everything else is just small stuff and you should never sweat the small stuff.
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post #9 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:58 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

What I want and expect in a wife is a partner. A partner in life and everything, not someone who is independent. I do expect her to work, pay her share of the bills, do her share of the house work, have friends and have activities with others, but her primary responsibility is to the family and no others. We plan our lives and activities together not independently.
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post #10 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I feel like this whole independent wife who has her own life thing is hard to achieve and casts impossible expectations on women. Maybe I'm wrong?
So we're suppose to be independent, work, confident, have our own life and work, dress nice and whatever, but at the same time we have to cook/clean/take care of the kids, and still have time to look sexy while having wild sex with our husbands all the time. It seems like we have to do everything. Am I wrong?
I think you're right... it's the dilemma of "having it all" when it's impossible for women to have it all, unless men step up their game in terms of child-rearing and housekeeping. And some men do--but a lot of men still don't.

My XH made it clear that he expected me to pay my own way, and he wanted me to have my own life... when I finally got him to go to marriage counseling, he said he was unhappy because I didn't keep the house clean enough. I was like, really??? I work 50+ hrs/week and go to grad school part-time, while you work 30hrs/week... you know how to vacuum and load a dishwasher! Why is it solely MY responsibility to keep the house clean, when two of us live here? He expected me to be a modern career woman with an education, but he also expected me to be a 1950s housewife. You can't do both.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #11 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:26 PM Thread Starter
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Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
He expected me to be a modern career woman with an education, but he also expected me to be a 1950s housewife. You can't do both.

Exactly!! It is a dilemma today. And then you have surveys going around that divorce rate increases as husbands do more chores. Then men complain that women want to divorce and take all their money. It seems we have to do it all, look good doing it, not nag or complain, and have energy to have sex at the end of the day. Something has to give.
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post #12 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
I didn't want to hijack this thread so I'm starting a new one...

It seems that what a man wants in a wife has changes throughout the years. I remember learning/thinking/seeing that men kinda wanted a subservient type of wife. One that worked less, was available to him and the family, one that tended to the home and children. And now it seems that men want a more independent wife, one that doesn't NEED help, one that has her own life.

It seems my husband is like this. Like he wants me to get a life so to speak, have my own thing going on so he doesn't feel guilty when he's not here. He always tells me he just wants me to be happy, like that is his one need. My friend recently got married, and she's this good girl, Christian, virgin, never lived together blah blah. And she is was telling me she is learning how to be a wife to a very laid back husband. It's like she doesn't know what to do, and she wants to do something to please him. I told her it would probably make him happy to see her get her own life so to speak. Anyway, she thinks this notion is really weird and she can't really adjust to it.

Men... am I wrong in thinking this is what you want?
Contrary to how it's portrayed in culture, I think most guys (especially younger guys) welcome the whole feminist independent / non-subservient woman thing.

But I think quite a few women aren't entirely happy about it (although they think they're supposed to be)
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post #13 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:36 PM
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
Exactly!! It is a dilemma today. And then you have surveys going around that divorce rate increases as husbands do more chores. Then men complain that women want to divorce and take all their money. It seems we have to do it all, look good doing it, not nag or complain, and have energy to have sex at the end of the day. Something has to give.
I think the theory there is that women lose attraction for men who do too many chores.
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post #14 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Contrary to how it's portrayed in culture, I think most guys (especially younger guys) welcome the whole feminist independent / non-subservient woman thing.



But I think quite a few women aren't entirely happy about it (although they think they're supposed to be)


It obviously depends on the women. But for me... I like a balance. I know that I personally could never be happy staying home, doing the whole subservient thing. And I could never be happy working full time while my husband tends to the house and having all the financial burdens on me.
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post #15 of 156 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Ideal wife has changed?

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Originally Posted by Buddy400 View Post
I think the theory there is that women lose attraction for men who do too many chores.


And I agree with that. But I also think a women loses attraction for men who are lazy, play too many video games, and don't help at all.
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