Was This A **** Test? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

User Tag List

 23Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:24 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 353
Re: Was This A **** Test?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celtic View Post
Earlier today the girlfriend and I are queuing in a store. It was fairly long and moving slowly which meant that a lot of people, especially mothers with young kids, were all stood in close proximity together. Two young guys (early-twenties) joined the end of the line and both are expressing their dislike for having to wait with a lot of bad language and vulgar terms. Not directed at anyone in particular but not the sort of language you want around young kids either so I turn to them and simply say:

"Keep the language down in front of all the kids please lads"

And both immediately apologise, first to myself, then to the queue and begin talking in a more civilised manner. No harm done, no threats of violence and no fuss right? A couple of the mothers turn to thank me, as does the overworked cashier but my girlfriend? She then rolls her eyes and declares:

"Jesus you're like one of those old men who tell kids to watch their language!"

To which I respond that I was doing it for the kids, not for her and she quiets down and mumbles that I probably think she's a bad mother for swearing in front of her own kids. I say nothing. Later I leave the house to walk the dogs and this time she shouts "don't go shouting at people to mind their language!" but again I say nothing in response. It's clear that its still on her mind but here is what I'm curious about:

Was that a **** test?
How should I have responded?
My wife does the same to me at times. She'll throw out little comments sometimes about something I said during a past argument or something she disagreed with for no reason. Personally I think she does it to try and get a rise out of me, and yes as a test. I have in the past had anger issues, nothing violent but I would get angry over little stupid things that would then cause a fight. Now when she does it I either ignore it or throw back a comment to her that just shuts it down leaving her no way to respond unless she wants to start an argument, and if that happens I just walk away.
AtMyEnd is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:24 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,703
Re: Was This A **** Test?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
There is something fundamentally wrong when you have a difference of opinion and You end up sleeping on the couch.Do you not see she is punishing you for daring to argue with her,in fact she is trying to emasculate you and you are letting her.If she can't bear you beside her then let her sleep on the couch.
Or else leave for the night,either is good.
Bill Burr on sleeping on the couch

Bill Burr sleeping on the counch - Bing video
Buddy400 is online now  
post #18 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,660
Was This A **** Test?

Ha my W says "oh look at the superior parent!" And of course I rub it in with my superiority. (Its become a phrase now )

It's just her expressing her insecurity - and maybe contrasting your willingness to voice your opinion to strangers to her fear of speaking out.

I'd make light of it. I see the world differently than many and, for example, enjoy responding literally when people say emotional things. That usually sounds absurd so it kind of derails the emo process.

It's also fun to match the tone - you could scream back "OK HONEY!" which would be equally effective. It makes yelling at a grown up sound childish, which of course it is.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
TheTruthHurts is online now  
post #19 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:48 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,827
Re: Was This A **** Test?

Celtic...you have a firm grip on reality..and on your wife. You know her better than most men know their wives.

The chip on her shoulder, yep!

You said she is very passive. This is a key insight. By being outspoken and aggressive, you made HER uncomfortable, when you chastised the lads. She enjoys her anonymity. You apparently get under her skin. She may find you judgemental and controlling. She is losing patience with your responses. She is wrong....maybe [long run] wrong for you. Not quite compatible with each other.

I assume that you are not in the States. Had you done this here, you might have got your nose punched.

Likely, you would have gotten some snarky remarks. Not so much in the country side, but in any big city this would have created a confrontation from the knuckle head teens here.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is online now  
post #20 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:07 PM
Member
 
Affaircare's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 3,877
Re: Was This A **** Test?

@Celtic,

I do realize that coming up with a response like that in the moment is very hard. This is why I recommend first just learning to recognize when it is one of those ludicrous moments. If you can think back to some of how you felt and how your body felt and look for clues that "this what a **** test moment" then the idea is to begin to recognize it at the time.

For example, for myself when it is a **** test moment for me, I hold my breath, my jaw clenches (I literally keep my mouth closed), and somethings my chest feels heavy and my hands or arms stiffen up. When I notice those physical things occurring--I know that SOMETHING is happening that I have to speak up. Sometimes it's a moment where I need to say "This is not okay with me" and sometimes it's a moment where I have to be honest and I'm afraid. So I feel myself holding my breath I automatically think "I have to speak up. What do I have to speak up about?"

THEN I recognize a **** test moment when I feel like defending myself. If I feel as though I must "explain" or justify or protect, that's the clue to me that likely a **** test is occurring. So just like "holding breath=I need to speak about something"... "defend=emotional response, probably to a **** test" See?

So in literally part of a moment I get that far, and my first response to feeling like I need to defend is 'It sounds like you're saying X? Is that really what you meant?" In your example it might sound like this: "It sounds to me like you're saying that protecting young children from hearing adult language is an old man thing. Is that really want you meant?"

Now if this can go one of two ways: "Yep that's what I meant" or "No that's not what I meant at all." "Yep" usually turns into them defending the ridiculous and at that point I'm already clued in that this is a **** test, and I already know that you take the wind out of the sails by saying "YOU'RE RIGHT' and then pointing out how absurd they sound. So while I kind of think of the silly reply, I start with "Oh you are so right" and with a little time to take a breath I can usually figure out some way to work their silliness in the moment. Not perfectly, but enough to sound sarcastic but joking and also point out how inconsistent they sound!!

If they say "No that's not what I meant" then you have the opportunity to communicate and reach an understanding. In other words, maybe you just misheard and you can straighten that out and all is well!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Celtic
Just to be clear; am I to show her how ludicrous her response to my normal behaviour is or how ludicrous it is for me to react in the first place?
You are somewhat making a joke by going OVER THE TOP to show that your response was reasonable.

Again, in your example it is exceedingly reasonable to protect young children from hearing some of the words that teenagers use with ease such as the F-bomb. You saying "Please watch your language around the young kids" is a request--not a commandment--but also just pointing out to the teens that there are youngsters present and there's 'a time and a place.' Right? You're not their daddy! You're not bossing them around! In fact, it's appropriate for teens to try out swearing and be a little edgy.

But her response is entirely absurd. Her position is that only old men would speak up about foul-mouthed language. Well...that's silly! So by going over the top and also being a little funny, you point out that her response is ludicrous whilst also not being a "know-it-all" jerk.

I think responding with "And I expect you to stay off my lawn too!" would have been hilarious!

Likewise, though the idea of "Yes, and I expect guys to be gentlemen and women to be ladylike--aren't I an Old Fart?" is similar.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
*
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
*
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
*
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Last edited by Affaircare; 04-12-2017 at 04:15 PM.
Affaircare is online now  
post #21 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:20 PM
Member
 
Wolf1974's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 5,029
Re: Was This A **** Test?

So trying to understand. She mocks you for doing the right thing and yells at you because of her own insecurities as a mother?

Gf right? no plans to marry I hope!
Wolf1974 is offline  
post #22 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:38 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 852
Re: Was This A **** Test?

I don't personally think that was a **** test. The purpose of a **** test is to see how you handle the situation and whether you can keep your cool when she tests you. I don't think that was the purpose of her being crabby, rather I think she was genuinely crabby. But you did handle it appropriately, so points for that.
Bananapeel is online now  
post #23 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:45 PM
Member
 
*Deidre*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,178
Re: Was This A **** Test?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
There is something fundamentally wrong when you have a difference of opinion and You end up sleeping on the couch.Do you not see she is punishing you for daring to argue with her,in fact she is trying to emasculate you and you are letting her.If she can't bear you beside her then let her sleep on the couch.
Or else leave for the night,either is good.
This.

But, if you tolerate this crap OP, then it's not really a matter of your gf anymore, it's a matter of you not seeing your own self worth. She's only a gf...why would you ever tolerate being treated like this?

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

I'm newly married
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
*Deidre* is offline  
post #24 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:51 PM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 20,496
Re: Was This A **** Test?

What was the argument about last week?

Has she ever mentioned she feels you are overbearing? Have her children?

I would bring this incident up if I were you. Be open to her perspective. Ask her what she would have liked you to do.

You do not have to agree with her, of course. But being open to her feelings could give you two a chance to resolve any resentment she may be harboring.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #25 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 05:13 AM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 784
Re: Was This A **** Test?

I'm getting the distinct impression you've let her know more than once - via words and/or blatant expression - that you obviously don't think too highly of her parenting skills. She may totally suck as a parent, I have no idea. But she's clearly in 'defensive' mode and feels that you think you're superior to her. And when you acted like the 'hero' and made a big deal about the guys in line and their swearing in front of the kids, she just saw that as you showing off your supposed superiority again, and ridiculed you. Again, that came from a place of self defense.

I don't see this as a **** test at all. I don't even know where that supposition came into play.
She'sStillGotIt is offline  
post #26 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 05:26 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 229
Re: Was This A **** Test?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celtic View Post
Earlier today the girlfriend and I are queuing in a store. It was fairly long and moving slowly which meant that a lot of people, especially mothers with young kids, were all stood in close proximity together. Two young guys (early-twenties) joined the end of the line and both are expressing their dislike for having to wait with a lot of bad language and vulgar terms. Not directed at anyone in particular but not the sort of language you want around young kids either so I turn to them and simply say:

"Keep the language down in front of all the kids please lads"

And both immediately apologise, first to myself, then to the queue and begin talking in a more civilised manner. No harm done, no threats of violence and no fuss right? A couple of the mothers turn to thank me, as does the overworked cashier but my girlfriend? She then rolls her eyes and declares:

"Jesus you're like one of those old men who tell kids to watch their language!"

To which I respond that I was doing it for the kids, not for her and she quiets down and mumbles that I probably think she's a bad mother for swearing in front of her own kids. I say nothing. Later I leave the house to walk the dogs and this time she shouts "don't go shouting at people to mind their language!" but again I say nothing in response. It's clear that its still on her mind but here is what I'm curious about:

Was that a **** test?
How should I have responded?
"Speak only when spoken to, young lady"
manwithnoname is offline  
post #27 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:22 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Celtic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 61
Re: Was This A **** Test?

Thank you for all of your responses; there are a few new things for me to think about and I appreciate the varying outlooks on a situation that I had previously only seen with my own eyes.

@AtMyEnd I am very much the same as you there. In the past I would let anger grow, again like you not to the point of being violent but certainly leaving me irritated and it does feel like she's testing me sometimes so I really need to work on the shut down responses to prevent things going further.

@TheTruthHurts I agree with you about her expressing her insecurity. She is very much a wallflower (though will deny this to the end) and expects me to be the same but its just not in my nature. She also knows that my parents had high standards when it came to raising me and even though I've never ever criticised her own parenting skills for her own kids, she somehow feels like its something to compete with.

@SunCMars That's very interesting you mention her thinking of me as being judgemental as this is an issue she's admitted in the past. Not that I feel I've been judgemental; I learned to drop that attitude long before meeting her but I think part of her overly defensive mechanism is to shift the blame to me by claiming that I am so that she feels justified in defending herself. Does that make sense? If I ask her for examples of when I have been judgemental (or any other negative trait) she can never give me one so it feels like she's accusing me out of her own perceived fears more than any genuine action on my part.

This was in the States too although I'm from Britain (she's American) so perhaps that changes my outlook. I come from a place where aggression and attitude are seen as essential traits, back home I could see such an event easily turning into a small fight but I find it far more relaxed here and people co-operate far better when the aggression and attitude is dropped.

@Affaircare Thank you so much for taking the time to explain that. Anytime I've read something about these tests, not one has mentioned the need to identify the triggers but it makes so much sense in what you're saying and I tend to react much the same physically. I really like the idea of confirming what she said in order to give time for a more suitable response, not only does that give us both time to compose thought but also prevents an immediate response that may escalate things further. That is fantastic, thank you.

@Wolf1974 We're working on things. Slowly but progress is being made so I'm grateful for that.

@jld Not so much overbearing but I do sense an amount of rivalry beneath the surface. She's been a great single mom for the past few years though when I came along I introduced her kids to things like camping, bike rides, museums etc. and they really seem to enjoy it. I never use this against her, I've always made sure she's involved, she always comes with us and I make sure she and the kids have their own alone time too but for some reason she perhaps sees it as me 'winning' them even though that's never my intention.

@She'sStillGotIt Not at all. I've never once criticised her parenting skills (quite the opposite, I always praise because she's done a damn good job) but a lot of the time she'll feel the need to defend herself when there is nothing to defend against. I'm new to being a step-parent. I've not had kids myself so I often seek out her guidance and advice if there is something I am unsure about. She knows I had a very strict upbringing so she could feel like she needs to compete with that but I've never once told her or suggested this the case.

@manwithnoname That's usually reserved for when I give her the 'bedroom, now' look!
Celtic is offline  
post #28 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:39 AM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 8,057
Re: Was This A **** Test?

Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
I'm getting the distinct impression you've let her know more than once - via words and/or blatant expression - that you obviously don't think too highly of her parenting skills. She may totally suck as a parent, I have no idea. But she's clearly in 'defensive' mode and feels that you think you're superior to her. And when you acted like the 'hero' and made a big deal about the guys in line and their swearing in front of the kids, she just saw that as you showing off your supposed superiority again, and ridiculed you. Again, that came from a place of self defense.

I don't see this as a **** test at all. I don't even know where that supposition came into play.
Your analysis may be right.

Conversely, she may be so insecure about her parenting, combined with her poor self perception, that she projects that on to him.

If you are right, it wasn't necessarily a **** test, but no less strange.

If I am right, it was a classic example of one.

You have been here long enough to see projection is alive and well in the insecure.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
post #29 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:55 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,071
Re: Was This A **** Test?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Buddy400 View Post
Bill Burr on sleeping on the couch

Bill Burr sleeping on the counch - Bing video
That was very funny and very true.
Andy1001 is offline  
post #30 of 35 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:57 AM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 20,496
Re: Was This A **** Test?

Celtic, address her insecurities head on. Listen to what she has to say, and then try to reassure her.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Fair test? uhtred Politics and Religion 46 01-29-2017 03:39 PM
test - please ignore testVS New Member Forum - Introduce Yourself! 0 11-14-2016 08:47 AM
Test all Muslims in the US... Begin again Politics and Religion 141 08-03-2016 05:34 PM
Drug test for wealthy recipients of tax breaks? jld Politics and Religion 163 07-24-2016 07:47 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome