I think it's difficult to get rid of resentment because unforgiveness is a natural mechanism we employ to protect ourselves from pain. It's like if someone kicks you in the nuts a dozen times, you're naturally going to protect that region when they are around you. Letting go of the resentment is similar to letting your guard down when the nut-kicker is right in front of you. It takes a lot of positive experiences to undo a negative or painful one. How many times would nut-kicker have to come around you and show no aggression before you put your guard down? How many people would never put their guard down?
This is a great analogy but shouldn't it be for the really hard stuff ....like physical abuse, emotional abuse, abandonment, the DEEP stuff- that breaks the spirit .
I tend to think like this many times ........"Sticks & stones may break my bones , but words can never hurt me
". I am generally very forgiving with "words", I understand people screw up with their mouths at times, especially when they are upset, stressed, angry . We all have our moments! I TRY to give grace here-for me, it is always "What was the root of that ??".... so if another shows heartfelt remorse - I happily wipe the slate clean..... this is a JOY to me. Now if their actions prove otherwise time & time again-this speaks volumes -that is another ball game entirely---pretty much where new boundaries need to be erected.
The only way to let go of resentment is to make ourselves vulnerable. And by nature, that makes us able to be hurt. It takes many ths for the healing to take place. First and foremost is a willingness to want to forgive and let go of the resentment. Second is a trust that the other person won't screw us over when we put our guard down. Third is a skillset that allows you to forgive.
Vulnerabilty, it is our ticket to connection and healing -when it is appropriate.....we need wisdom & courage here.
I am the type of person who simply can not carry resentment around, I FEEL things too strongly
....it would turn me into a Bi***. I am not the type to get depressed .... I get angry .....its the outward expression, And I don't like being that way , so whether it is my husband (near never) , my friends, family members, I choose to take whatever it is that is eating me up inside, write it out, and HUMBLY confront - making sure to include my own shortcomings in this -as to not put them on the defensive-so we can come to a healthier understanding of why this happened & what we can do about it, even if it is to "agree to disagree", I simply MUST visit these places...... For my own well being. I need to know where I stand with those I care enough about to even allow a resentment to spring up.
And sometimes, when I write it all out, I come to realize it was more MY issue and I must let it go -burn that letter, Live & let be ....sometimes I may have to apologize for my
A measure of vulnerabilty seems to come easy for me many times .....Maybe because I have a safe place to land with my husband & family- in this way nothing outside can really hurt me, or wound me too much. I figure if others do not really like or appreciate who I am, the good with the bad - I learned something valuable....I'll grieve & move on. But I simply gotta be ME. I find this has been more of a blessing -than a hinderance in my life.
I have never
had a time I felt resentment towards my husband.... the closest thing was when I learned of him (3 yrs ago) stuffing his feelings & suffering over not getting enough sex in our past.....this angered me (& I cried for what we missed)...but that was unfair of me, I needed to get rid of that. Urban Dictionary: resentment
Definition # 2 said..... : "When you take the poison and expect someone else to die".
He, on the other hand (after a little more digging on my part)....admitted he had some resentment growing towards me.....when he was not getting enough sex & I was too into our kids, etc ....He told me he secretly wanted me to suffer like him
, he tried to not bother me , and I probably shouldn't have done this.....but I started laughing when he told me this, pissed him off a little bit, I was almost rolling on the floor.....because it was so utterly rediculous to me....I seriously had NO FREAKING IDEA all of this was going on in his head.....not a living clue ....so if this was his method, boy was he off track!! ....I mean, he gave in every single time after me coming on to him saying "come on Honey, I need you".....here he was in all this silent turmoil, but yet dying for it - him taking this poison and wanting me to feel it
--and I simply didn't feel a darn thing!!
This is why I joke with him now.....I will put his balls in a vise if he ever goes back to being this passive with me, this is terribly counterproductive....express yourself ! I can handle this -no matter what it is, we'll work it out.
One thing GREAT about my husband is ..... he is very FORGIVING, never holds onto anything, we are BOTH like this, we never let the sun go down on our anger ....when it has been talked through, it is tossed in the ocean . And of course we both strive to walk in our resolutions with each other.
This has served our marraige well.