Looking for advice on how to handle - wife talks to me badly - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

User Tag List

 17Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 12:51 PM
Member
 
Chris Taylor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,526
Re: Looking for advice on how to handle - wife talks to me badly

Question and a comment...

How long has she been like this, both the illness and talking to you like this? If the illness is recent and her speaking to you like that started around the same time, maybe more sympathy is needed. If, as another posted mentioned, she's been like this for 25 years, then yeah, nothing is going to change her.

However what you can do is two things. First immediately correct her. "That comment was unnecessary." "Don't talk to me like a child." "Talk to me when you have a better attitude/calm down/get your **** together." Second thing is to walk away. Put distance between the two of you. Calm yourself down and let her return to an even keel.
Chris Taylor is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:14 PM
Member
 
TaDor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,246
If she doesn't change with some of these suggestions. Look at exit stage right. "I'm not putting up with this any longer".

I get being in a bad mood here and there. But not constantly. My wife our I will call each other out when this happens.
TaDor is offline  
post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:38 PM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 19,546
Re: Looking for advice on how to handle - wife talks to me badly

Quote:
Originally Posted by bob1471 View Post
Looking for advice on how best to deal rather than advice of whether I should bail or not. Bit of background - been married 25 years, two kids, one young.

Wife has got long term illness which makes things difficult for her. Shes constantly in pain so its difficult at times I get that. It makes her in not a great mood a lot of the time.

BUT, I have a big issue with how she speaks to me sometimes. i.e. like crap. Most of the time I let it go but sometimes I just can't. And I kick off then. Of course, then even though Im right I handle it badly. It might be in public/ in front of the kids. I just get so incensed at the way shes spoken to me. Of course, I end up looking the bad one then.

Example. Just today one of the kids said something to me and I didnt hear so she basically raised her voice at me and spoke in a pretty nasty way. I just saw red etc.

Thing is its just not me. Shes had problems in work in the past so she does it to everyone. For her thought its weird, its just a quick snap and thats it. Sometimes I just dont think she realises what she does. Bit sometimes it can get a bit much. Some days its as if shes like bear with a sort head and sometimes just cant be bothered to try and be nice to people - it just comes out.

I've asked her about it and she'll say something like "but yes you were being annoying doing this". I disagree. Im the sort of the person that thinks you should speak to someone properly no matter what. If you have a problem even if its huge. But she doesnt see this. I've tried to nicely tell he - look, at times, you find everything and everyone in the entire world annoying so it can't be just me. But again she doesnt change.

I think I need to stop exploding. Like I said I just end up looking bad... But I need to find a way to deal with it and do something each time to deal with. Hoping she'll get message eventually.
Could you elaborate on the bolded?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:44 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 612
Re: Looking for advice on how to handle - wife talks to me badly

My wife was like this a few years ago when our kids were toddlers - she'd always be on me saying I did nothing right (feeding kids, changing kids, driving, et al), but if she had the kids by herself for a little bit, she'd be all over me saying the kids were driving her nuts. So she couldn't trust me to deal with the kids in the "right" way (i.e. her way), but she'd get mad when I wasn't there to help her, so I couldn't win either way. I never bit back trying to show her how a reasonable, mature adult is supposed to act - of course, it didn't work. It's when I started biting back at her that she improved - it's short-term pain and long-term gain.
ChargingCharlie is offline  
post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 11:42 AM
Member
 
_anonymous_'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 69
Re: Looking for advice on how to handle - wife talks to me badly

Quote:
Originally Posted by bob1471 View Post
I think I need to stop exploding. Like I said I just end up looking bad... But I need to find a way to deal with it and do something each time to deal with. Hoping she'll get message eventually.
Don't think it; know it. In truth, this is the most important thing you've said. If you'll explode on her, you'll explode on other people. Not the image you want to project to others: a man who lacks self-control.

Pull yourself together: Force yourself to stop and think every time before speaking; consider what you plan to say, and evaluate whether it makes the situation any better and will it improve your marriage, on both short-time and long-term basis.

Establish a personal timeout with your wife; let her know that if arguments don't see resolution in a reasonable amount of time (30 min. to 1 hr.), you're taking off. Go for a walk, grab a beer at the local bar, whatever. Don't stay put and let a verbally abusive spouse lash out at you. Be firm and polite in every argument, and let her know there are limits and you'll want stand for her violating them. Respect yourself by being consistent.

Never ever retaliate in the argument; I know from experience it feels good. Just like your wife knows the intimate details on your weaknesses and trigger points, you know hers as well, at it's ever so tempting to launch the perfect comeback at the perfect time. Don't do it. This achieves nothing good, and only worsens things in the end.

If you must argue with the wife, don't do it in front of the kids. You should confront your wife on her worst behaviors (calling out every nasty remark might lead to claims that "she can't even talk to you", so weigh this carefully). But amid these discussions, assume some culpability. Successful marriages are one part humility, so humble yourself initially, and admit that your reactions were out of line; as you gain control, you won't have to address your past behavior. And as a follow-on point, address how she is speaking to you and how it makes you feel. See if that gets anywhere. If it doesn't, schedule marriage counseling right away. Sounds like both of you need help.

From my personal experience, I had this problem, and for a long time I told my wife that we desperately needed to see a counselor to improve our conflict resolution. She never went. As an alternative to getting help as a couple, I sought out counseling for myself and it actually helped. I independently saw a therapist and she me good ideas for managing conflict better in my home. I've gone for months without having a negative reaction with my wife.

My story doesn't end happily ever after just yet, and I believe this is good for you to know. If a couple is verbally abusive with each other, it takes both people recognizing the problem and working on it for a sustainable solution. My wife has yet to work on her problem, and like your wife, she justifies her behavior, Her verbal abuse continues.

Just a few days ago, she was screaming at me, said she hated me, cussed me out, the whole nine yards. "Ouch", said the guy who thought she loved him. I didn't retaliate, which was good, but by holding my tongue, I'm coping with a situation that isn't good for any person to endure. Point being, if you get your anger in check, your wife will likely take aim at you with harsh words and you'll have to listen for a while, before removing yourself from the situation. In the end, the bad situation is still there if the wife doesn't work on her part of the problem, and it's still damaging. Getting her to counseling, having her recognize her problem, and establishing better communication is the next challenge, after you get your anger under control.

My final piece of advice is this: you, and you alone, are responsible for everything you do and say, even when you're instigated. You will be a better man by telling yourself that "exploding" is not an option. Just like physical violence is never ever an option in any situation where your life isn't threatened, the screaming and yelling isn't either.

Good luck!
_anonymous_ is online now  
post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-19-2017, 12:11 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 759
Re: Looking for advice on how to handle - wife talks to me badly

Instead of exploding, just playfully tease her about whatever she is bugging you about. This way you remain in control of your outbursts and are not giving her the response that she is trying to get.
Bananapeel is online now  
post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 03:19 AM
Member
 
EasyPartner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Europe
Posts: 246
Re: Looking for advice on how to handle - wife talks to me badly

This thread reminds me of certain arguments with my seemingly BPD ex-GF.

At these times, it was trying to play chess with a pigeon. First, she knockes over all the pieces, defecates on the board and then strolls around like she's won the game.

Utterly useless, having discussions with people like that. So glad I'm rid of her.

Last edited by EasyPartner; 04-20-2017 at 03:22 AM. Reason: could't use the word ****s
EasyPartner is offline  
post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 05:55 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 162
Re: Looking for advice on how to handle - wife talks to me badly

Quote:
Originally Posted by bob1471 View Post
Looking for advice on how best to deal rather than advice of whether I should bail or not. Bit of background - been married 25 years, two kids, one young.

Wife has got long term illness which makes things difficult for her. Shes constantly in pain so its difficult at times I get that. It makes her in not a great mood a lot of the time.

BUT, I have a big issue with how she speaks to me sometimes. i.e. like crap. Most of the time I let it go but sometimes I just can't. And I kick off then. Of course, then even though Im right I handle it badly. It might be in public/ in front of the kids. I just get so incensed at the way shes spoken to me. Of course, I end up looking the bad one then.

Example. Just today one of the kids said something to me and I didnt hear so she basically raised her voice at me and spoke in a pretty nasty way. I just saw red etc.

Thing is its just not me. Shes had problems in work in the past so she does it to everyone. For her thought its weird, its just a quick snap and thats it. Sometimes I just dont think she realises what she does. Bit sometimes it can get a bit much. Some days its as if shes like bear with a sort head and sometimes just cant be bothered to try and be nice to people - it just comes out.

I've asked her about it and she'll say something like "but yes you were being annoying doing this". I disagree. Im the sort of the person that thinks you should speak to someone properly no matter what. If you have a problem even if its huge. But she doesnt see this. I've tried to nicely tell he - look, at times, you find everything and everyone in the entire world annoying so it can't be just me. But again she doesnt change.

I think I need to stop exploding. Like I said I just end up looking bad... But I need to find a way to deal with it and do something each time to deal with. Hoping she'll get message eventually.
she will always be like this, her parents were like this, likely her father, and she learned it was OK, guess what, it isn't, and it she doesn't like your response, to ****ing bad for her. Here is the bottom line, she does this as a way of status grabbing, to make you beneath her to ensure your servitude as being your superior because you are a care giver, you have every right to be angry about it, stand up for yourself and to not have to tolerate this verbal and emotional abuse at all or anymore, if she doesn't like it, send her ass to the curb, she will either learn to respect you or she will go **** off and abuse someone else.
DepressedHusband is offline  
post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:42 PM
Registered User
 
Indianahoosier's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Indiana
Posts: 13
Re: Looking for advice on how to handle - wife talks to me badly

Hello! I'm new to this, so hopefully I'm doing this right Have you considered counseling? I know it sounds cliche, but it can help. I'm not just talking about marriage counseling, I'm talking about for yourself? It sounds like you may have an issue controlling your anger? I'm not saying that you don't have any right not to be mad, but it sounds like the way you are handling things is upsetting you? Maybe if you can talk to a therapist about everything going on they can help. It sounds like your wife if going through a lot physically, and you are understanding to that. That you both are not communicating effectively, which is hard especially if you're both ticked off. You've been together a long time, and that says something positive Sometimes it helps to get another perspective (or none of us would be here) but a professional one in person maybe more helpful. Hopefully you can work it through. I have trouble when I get aggravated at my husband, not to get mad when I should take a deep breath and move away. We were married (our second) a year ago and after 2.5 years together we are still learning. Good luck to you
Indianahoosier is offline  
post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 03:44 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 14
Re: Looking for advice on how to handle - wife talks to me badly

No reply from Bob and he posted a week ago.

I opened this thread because I am going though a similar experience.

My wife is not ill - but she speaks to me, at times - the way you describe. I suspect you have not told all - there is bound to be more - if she can get away with this, she probably does much worse.

And you have children of course. That is bound to weigh things in her favour. She may well create quite a fuss around the children - and you wont want them to see that - so you will tolerate the abuse to protect them from a scene. But sometimes you blow up and regret it.

All the advice and strategies you have been advised of are all very well and good - but only you know whether any of them are actually workable in a household with chidren and a woman who may be prepared to go to quite some extreme lengths to prove a point. Walking away and giving her timeout might not be practical if she starts trashing the kitchen in front of the kids after you have walked out, alarming and traumatising them.

what you say here:

I've asked her about it and she'll say something like "but yes you were being annoying doing this.

That's almost word for word what I have heard from mine. why do you react like that I ask? Well you shouldnt do this or do that, or you shouldnt be a clown in front of our son, shouldnt use slang words, make silly jokes, remember to wash your hands after blah blah blah.

There is probably no answer to this beyond eventual divorce. Avoid the blow ups though. By all means try what people have suggested but I guess nothing will work. You may decide to go - but if she is as unbalanced and ill as you indicate - it would be better if you were around, for the kids' sake - and it sounds like she would not be prepared to separate and give you custody.

I disagree that you need any therapy - you are a quite normal chap and you get angry when insulted/abused - no need for therapy. Just develop some self control - bite or tighten your lip and avoid responding. She in fact needs therapy and a lot of it - but she would be unwilling to acknowledge she has any issues because of course - you are the idiot who doesnt listen when the kids talk - if you were not such a thoughtless jerk most of the time - she would never get angry and abuse you would she. Life would be just perfect.

My commisserations - from a fellow sufferer.

Last edited by MrRight; 04-22-2017 at 03:54 PM.
MrRight is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
you did it for other men, but not me? nogutsnoglory Sex in Marriage 2775 03-15-2017 01:35 PM
Long, but please read, im so lost JCI20 General Relationship Discussion 15 05-31-2016 12:49 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome