Hooking up & Short term relationships - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:07 PM Thread Starter
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Hooking up & Short term relationships

Hey Guys,

I decided to post this here, to get a fellow man's perspective on this subject, but I'm very open to anyone's opinion. This is something I've been mulling over since my divorce. But I decided to take time off from relationships and dive into some of nerdier hobbies.

The main reason for this consideration is I completey skipped that phase of my life while I was in college. There were lots of girls I liked, but I either found out they had a BF or decided they were out of league and gave up. Essentially, I had NO long or short term relationships with women, and hardly any dates either, untiL I met my now XW. Sex was also one of the issues, and I wouldn't mind getting better at that.

So any tips from guys who have down that road. I don't know if it will even happen in the short period of time I have left (out of town), and obviously, I don't think hiring a prostitute is a good idea.

Regardless, I've been out of state for 2 weeks now, 1 week left to go. I was considering trying this hook-up thing since I have a nice room to myself, clean bed, etc. At home, I'm not in an ideal dwelling to do this, and I can explain more if needed.

I'm in Union City, CA, not too far from San Francisco...I'm just not too sure where and how to meet women and how to lead the situation to a potential ONS. I know bars and clubs are the typical places to go, i could do that if nessecary, I guess, but they're not my favorite place to go. Also, there doesnt' seem to be a lot of bars in the immediate area.

I'm 39, average looking I would say, probably look a little nerdy because I wear glasses. Average build, not too overweight or anything.


I also DL'ed Tinder, and swiped quite a bit, and uploaded a decent pic of me smiling on Fisherman's Wharf. I'm guessing I could/should polish my profile and maybe any other tips on how to use Tinder (i.e. can you message people at random or do they have to be a "match"?)

Any thoughts would be appreciated!!

P.s. If this is in the wrong forum, please move it to the appropriate one. Also, I got some great advice from @Ynot, @Bananapeel and others in the other thread I created, but that thread seems to have died, so I'm trying this out.

Last edited by JukeboxHero; 04-16-2017 at 11:25 PM.
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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:15 PM
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Re: Hooking up & Short term relationships

If your just looking for ons then read how to pick up women. Theres a ton of stuff out there on how to pick up women.
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hooking up & Short term relationships

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Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
If your just looking for ons then read how to pick up women. Theres a ton of stuff out there on how to pick up women.
Thanks, Chillymorn69. I used to read those forums/watch videos on that subject. I guess I'll try to find them again, but I do like the advice I get from people on these forums, and when I was here before, it seemed like I got a lot of great responses and great advice, and these forums are fairly active.

Do you think this isn't the right place to get advice like this?

Also, It's just something I'm considering. I may choose not to go down this path, but it would be nice to have company while out of town....even if it's just hanging out and doing stuff and not hook up.
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:42 PM
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Re: Hooking up & Short term relationships

Go out and do things you like to do ......when your out keep your eyes open for nice women to spark up conversations with . Befor you know it #@&$bam there she is.

Don't rush it and it will happen.
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 04:26 AM
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A handsome young friend of mine used to just ask woman after woman. "want to go f?". 2 out of 10 would say yes. He took the short cut.

Learn to do NON nerdy things that women? like. Dance, be sociable, be fun. I've gotten into panties in 5 min but that's rare. And sometimes just being direct works.

You're looking for quick hookups... You can also join kinky sites and locate orgies easily... But more of them are ew than not.

You can tone down the nerd. Or go to nerd cons like sci-fi conventions. Lots of parties, sex and sex parties.
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 06:35 AM
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Re: Hooking up & Short term relationships

Being on the road is a great place to try out new things. Because you know you will probably never see anyone you meet ever again. I say that as a fellow traveler, not as way to pick up women. My advice still stands, though just be yourself. If you are nerdy, be nerdy. There are women who love that. You will have more energy to devote to sexual activities, instead of wasting all of your energy trying to be some you aren't.

Knowing you may never see these people again, lose your inhibitions and simply face your fears. Being on the road is a great opportunity to do that. Don't go out looking to get laid. Go out hoping to meet people. When I travel, I look for hotels with bars and restaurants in them. I sit at the bar for a drink. Every time I do, I meet people. Strike up a conversation with any one around you. Talk about the game on TV, or the drink you or they are having, the weather, the hotel, whatever. Most people are lonely and afraid just like you are. By approaching them in a friendly way, you become more approachable yourself.

The confidence you develop on the road, will carry over once you get back home.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:04 PM
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Yep on Ynot. Being open at a hotel bar is a good place to meet next people... And yeah, talk to guys to. Practice. Learn what others do.

Much of the time when I talked to women, it was anything but sex. No pressure from either side. Don't talk about your divorce unless it comes in handy or she brings it up herself. "So.... Were two divorced adult... Let's play ball". Always keep condoms handy... Likely she will too.

Still, it helps to learn non nerdy things... Pop culture. The way to get what she maybe taking about. Dear God... Kardashians... Crap like that. Glad I know so little of such junk.

Two things to remember:. Every failure is a learning experience . The other... Be aware that you have high odds of having sex with a married woman. Look to see if a ring mark is on her finger... But that may have gone away thou. You have to balance... Do I be an OM or not get laid. She'll be getting some from somebody. Of course there are single ladies out there... You just won't know. She could just lie about it.
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: Hooking up & Short term relationships

Definitely not an advisable thing to do.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: Hooking up & Short term relationships

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Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
Be aware that you have high odds of having sex with a married woman. Look to see if a ring mark is on her finger
I've had this issue on previous dates, more than once. About 3 years ago I had a woman ask if I was OK dating a married woman. Um...no way!

I will never knowingly be the OM.
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 08:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hooking up & Short term relationships

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Definitely not an advisable thing to do.
What's not an advisable thing to do?
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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:05 PM
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Re: Hooking up & Short term relationships

I know a few friends who had a lot of luck with the paid online dating sites. One said that he had sex with one girl in the afternoon, changed the sheets and had sex with another woman that night. Another friend said that he took his first date to a popular Broadway play and halfway there she said she wanted to go back to his place to have sex. He had sex with 16 women before he chose to marry one of them. Our girlfriend found her husband online too. She needed someone into the poly lifestyle because she was in a triad with us for a very long time and did not want to leave it.

No need to hit the bars. Spend the money and register on one of the more reputable dating sites. I never heard any complaints and many of the women are just looking for causal sex. I never picked up a woman at a club or bar. It was always at work or some weird place like an airplane or airport. I met my wife of 44 years on a train. I met my ex fiancee at a dance contest. She was looking for someone to dance with and I did. We won and started dating. Met girls at theme parks, a woman's college dorm while staying with a friend's girlfriend we were visiting. Met a girl at some house that one of my Army buddies took me to meet people. Most of all, parties were great places to meet girls.

So try the web or go to where the girls are. It does help if woman find you very attractive. That makes it a whole lot easier.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 11:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hooking up & Short term relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
A handsome young friend of mine used to just ask woman after woman. "want to go f?". 2 out of 10 would say yes. He took the short cut.

Learn to do NON nerdy things that women? like. Dance, be sociable, be fun. I've gotten into panties in 5 min but that's rare. And sometimes just being direct works.

You're looking for quick hookups... You can also join kinky sites and locate orgies easily... But more of them are ew than not.

You can tone down the nerd. Or go to nerd cons like sci-fi conventions. Lots of parties, sex and sex parties.
Well, for the past 6 months, my big thing was playing Magic: the gathering (a collectible card game), since traveling, I've been away from that environment for 3 weeks had made me seriously consider shifting away from it and moving on to other things I enjoy. On that list is pretty much anything out in nature, hiking, kayaking, exploring, scuba-diving (which I want to get cerftified for this year), etc. Problem is, though there is beautiful outdoor scenery here in the San Fran area, it's been raining a lot and most of the stuff is 1hr + dr away.

EDIT: Outside of board games/card games, I'm not super nerdy. I like sci-fi/fantasy stuff, but I'm not a your typical star-trek, star wars or other X fantasy/Sci-fi universe nerd. I just tip my toes in a variety of things. One thing I never got into is Sports

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
Being on the road is a great place to try out new things. Because you know you will probably never see anyone you meet ever again. I say that as a fellow traveler, not as way to pick up women. My advice still stands, though just be yourself. If you are nerdy, be nerdy. There are women who love that. You will have more energy to devote to sexual activities, instead of wasting all of your energy trying to be some you aren't.

Knowing you may never see these people again, lose your inhibitions and simply face your fears. Being on the road is a great opportunity to do that. Don't go out looking to get laid. Go out hoping to meet people. When I travel, I look for hotels with bars and restaurants in them. I sit at the bar for a drink. Every time I do, I meet people. Strike up a conversation with any one around you. Talk about the game on TV, or the drink you or they are having, the weather, the hotel, whatever. Most people are lonely and afraid just like you are. By approaching them in a friendly way, you become more approachable yourself.

The confidence you develop on the road, will carry over once you get back home.
Agreed on that one. That's one of the reasons I decided to ask that girl I had built some rapport with (via Skype IM's and phone convos) out. It didn't pan out because she legit got sick, but she did get a temporary working phone. I didn't really think it would lead to sex anyways, and I'm okay with that. I love your suggestion of being social and meeting new people, and it's something I could definitely improve on..though, I'm attempting to start up convos with random strangers--they're usually short-lived before I start feeling awkward and run out of things to say...or feel like I'm losing interest or wasting their time...idk what it is, but after maybe half a dozen half questions, I feel the need to exit the convo and move on (of course, this could be because I actually have places I was planning on going as well).

Also, there isn't a bar at the hotel, its located in a shopping center/plaza area. I would probably have to drive a bit to find a good social spot, within walking distance I'm mostly seeing grocery stores, a movie theatre and restaraunts (and other hotels)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
I know a few friends who had a lot of luck with the paid online dating sites. One said that he had sex with one girl in the afternoon, changed the sheets and had sex with another woman that night. Another friend said that he took his first date to a popular Broadway play and halfway there she said she wanted to go back to his place to have sex. He had sex with 16 women before he chose to marry one of them. Our girlfriend found her husband online too. She needed someone into the poly lifestyle because she was in a triad with us for a very long time and did not want to leave it.

No need to hit the bars. Spend the money and register on one of the more reputable dating sites. I never heard any complaints and many of the women are just looking for causal sex. I never picked up a woman at a club or bar. It was always at work or some weird place like an airplane or airport. I met my wife of 44 years on a train. I met my ex fiancee at a dance contest. She was looking for someone to dance with and I did. We won and started dating. Met girls at theme parks, a woman's college dorm while staying with a friend's girlfriend we were visiting. Met a girl at some house that one of my Army buddies took me to meet people. Most of all, parties were great places to meet girls.

So try the web or go to where the girls are. It does help if woman find you very attractive. That makes it a whole lot easier.

I'll probably do that! I'm on Tinder atm, but again...no luck on that site. I'm also on POF. My roommate has/had been using Match.com, but could never get past his first date, despite him describing each first date as "awesome" and saying they really hit it off well and were talking for hours. I do like the idea of websites and IM'ing/texting online...I'm much better at that. I think I find it easier to drop my inhibitions and get a little more flirty and fun.

Last edited by JukeboxHero; 04-18-2017 at 09:49 AM.
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 06:59 AM
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Re: Hooking up & Short term relationships

I also skipped that phase of life. LTR, LTR turned marriage, divorce, LTR turned marriage. Other women I have had experience with, I already knew. I have literally never 'picked up' a woman in my life!

My advice is a strong "do not overthink it" and also be prepared for rejection.

I think your two best options are to just go out and do things, meet people, hang with friends, etc. or, online dating profile on match or adult friend finder. I have a few single friends who have success this way, and one of my brother in laws swears by adult friend finder (but full disclosure, he's kind of gross, despite being a good guy. He's just not capable of actual relationships).

I don't know much about Tinder, but I know enough that I wouldn't use it, personally. TOO quick, TOO easy, and it just seems... sketchy.


Quote:
Originally Posted by JukeboxHero View Post
Hey Guys,

I decided to post this here, to get a fellow man's perspective on this subject, but I'm very open to anyone's opinion. This is something I've been mulling over since my divorce. But I decided to take time off from relationships and dive into some of nerdier hobbies.

The main reason for this consideration is I completey skipped that phase of my life while I was in college. There were lots of girls I liked, but I either found out they had a BF or decided they were out of league and gave up. Essentially, I had NO long or short term relationships with women, and hardly any dates either, untiL I met my now XW. Sex was also one of the issues, and I wouldn't mind getting better at that.

So any tips from guys who have down that road. I don't know if it will even happen in the short period of time I have left (out of town), and obviously, I don't think hiring a prostitute is a good idea.

Regardless, I've been out of state for 2 weeks now, 1 week left to go. I was considering trying this hook-up thing since I have a nice room to myself, clean bed, etc. At home, I'm not in an ideal dwelling to do this, and I can explain more if needed.

I'm in Union City, CA, not too far from San Francisco...I'm just not too sure where and how to meet women and how to lead the situation to a potential ONS. I know bars and clubs are the typical places to go, i could do that if nessecary, I guess, but they're not my favorite place to go. Also, there doesnt' seem to be a lot of bars in the immediate area.

I'm 39, average looking I would say, probably look a little nerdy because I wear glasses. Average build, not too overweight or anything.


I also DL'ed Tinder, and swiped quite a bit, and uploaded a decent pic of me smiling on Fisherman's Wharf. I'm guessing I could/should polish my profile and maybe any other tips on how to use Tinder (i.e. can you message people at random or do they have to be a "match"?)

Any thoughts would be appreciated!!

P.s. If this is in the wrong forum, please move it to the appropriate one. Also, I got some great advice from @Ynot, @Bananapeel and others in the other thread I created, but that thread seems to have died, so I'm trying this out.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:07 AM
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Re: Hooking up & Short term relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by JukeboxHero View Post
Well, for the past 6 months, my big thing was playing Magic: the gathering (a collectible card game), from that environment for 3 weeks had made me seriously consider shifting away from it and moving on to other things I enjoy. On that list is pretty much anything out in nature, hiking, kayaking, exploring, scuba-diving (which I want to get cerftified for this year), etc. Problem is, though there is beautiful outdoor scenery here in the San Fran area, it's been raining a lot and most of the stuff is 1hr + dr away.

Not to worry, enjoy what you can out there, but soon you will be back to the Heart of if All. There are all sorts of Meet Up groups around Columbus - pick your pleasure and enjoy. The nice thing there will be plenty of eligible women as well

Agreed on that one. That's one of the reasons I decided to ask that girl I had built some rapport with (via Skype IM's and phone convos) out. It didn't pan out because she legit got sick, but she did get a temporary working phone. I didn't really think it would lead to sex anyways, and I'm okay with that. I love your suggestion of being social and meeting new people, and it's something I could definitely improve on..though, I'm attempting to start up convos with random strangers--they're usually short-lived before I start feeling awkward and run out of things to say...or feel like I'm losing interest or wasting their time...idk what it is, but after maybe half a dozen half questions, I feel the need to exit the convo and move on (of course, this could be because I actually have places I was planning on going as well).
[COLOR="Red"]Feeling awkward and unnatural is just part of the learning process. Observe what works in starting up lasting convos and run with it, see what doesn't and perhaps use those when you may be less inclined to engage. I still sometimes feel as though I am imposing, intruding or interrupting, but look at it from the other side. I am sure you have had strangers strike up convos with you. Sometimes you connect and sometimes you think "WTH?" Just roll with it and don't think too much about it.
As for this woman who wont commit? Well as they say "nothing ventured, nothing gained". You have ventured anything so you haven't lost anything, but what you have gained is experience. So what if she blows you off? Consider it her loss and move on, there are literally millions of women out there, quite a few of them won't blow you off (unless you ask :-)). If she is unwilling to get on board, she isn't the one for you anyways.[COLOR="Red"]
Also, there isn't a bar at the hotel, its located in a shopping center/plaza area. I would probably have to drive a bit to find a good social spot, within walking distance I'm mostly seeing grocery stores, a movie theatre and restaraunts (and other hotels)

It doesn't have to be a bar at your hotel. Go to a restaurant alone and grab a table. Nothing says confidence like eating alone (most people aren't brave enough to go to a restaurant or a movie by themselves) Strike up a conversation with a nearby table. Or go the other hotel bars, just get out and do things.


I'll probably do that! I'm on Tinder atm, but again...no luck on that site. I'm also on POF. My roommate has/had been using Match.com, but could never get past his first date, despite him describing each first date as "awesome" and saying they really hit it off well and were talking for hours. I do like the idea of websites and IM'ing/texting online...I'm much better at that. I think I find it easier to drop my inhibitions and get a little more flirty and fun.
The problem is that then you just become a cyber version of who you want to be. Nothing beats face to face, live in person interaction. Plus if it escalates, you are already engaged and don't need to switch gears to become some one you aren't.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 07:24 AM
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Re: Hooking up & Short term relationships

I would also recommend just using the online dating sites.

A friend of mine used them very successfully. He had no desire for a relationship but he did want to have companionship from time to time. Every couple of months he would turn on his account and start talking to different women and go on a couple dates. Would not take long for him to find someone and they would have sex like rabbits. Once he was satisfied, he would gracefully break off the relationship and turn off his account. Rinse and repeat as necessary.
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