Any military spouses that can identify - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 06:46 AM Thread Starter
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Any military spouses that can identify

My wife rejoined the military when I retired a few years ago over my objections but didn't want to discourage her getting a retirement like me. Our marriage seemed to be strong until she made 2 deployments overseas. It seems like our relationship and especially our intimacy has taken a drastic turn especially after the second deployment. She will not try to touch me at all at nights and sleeps as far as possible from me short of having another bed. Romance was at least 3-4 times per week and has gone to about 1-2 times every 2 weeks.

I have talked to her in the past about the situation but she becomes defensive and throws it back on me. I am a little older than her and seems like at this new base things have really just fallen off with the love life. Funny thing is we get along and have 2 kids. If it weren't for the kids, yes i would be gone. At this point I don't care about sex but have not done anything outside of our marriage. If I don't approach her sexually, it won't happen and she can care less it seems. I just remain a family man doing the right thing but I am being taken for granted.

Last edited by babbles; 04-21-2017 at 09:10 AM.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 06:58 AM
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Re: Any military spouses that can identify

Not a spouse, but a military member.

There are a lot of things that could be affecting her, which in turn affects how she responds to you. What kind of unit does she work in? What kind of deployments did she do and where? Having done several deployments myself, I know what happens when the spouse is out of sight and mind. Being in close quarters with members of the opposite sex when you are far from home and lonely makes for trouble. I am not saying anything like that happened, but I saw it far to many times.

Instead of approaching it from an aspect of what is wrong with her, approach it from how the lack of emotional intimacy is affecting you. How it makes you feel? Then listen to her response and how she acts. Obviously something is going on but she has not opened up yet. It could be another, it could have been a traumatic experience overseas. Perhaps if you can express your feelings in a way that is not coming right at her, you may be able to get her to go to counseling with you to explore what is going on. I know the military offers a lot of options with regards to counseling due to the experience of the last ten years.

Best of luck, I hope that you all are able to reconnect.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: Any military spouses that can identify

What do you think is causing the distance from her? One can say they aren't sure of course, but what does your gut tell you?

Did she make two deployments with the same unit/platoon/section? Whatever she is evaluating, it has become unmindful in your relationship and that's not good.

How many years before her 20?

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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Any military spouses that can identify

Thank you for the quick replies. She did two back to back deployments to Afghanistan and yes I have done a few one year tours in Japan and some women I didn't know were really married until about the six month point into a year tour. I say that because they hooked up like instantly with a military member and kept things kind of hush hush.

She still has about 8 years and I don't know if we can survive it. I will bring it up in as tactful manner as possible but something just ain't right!
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 07:54 AM
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Re: Any military spouses that can identify

Ooh... 8 years is a long time to be having strife and doubts like this. I left the military at 12 just to keep my family intact because deployments were going to break it.

I guess I will say it out loud, do you think she is involved with someone else or that your distance is something different?

You will need to cast aside the first doubt before you can think about addressing the second.

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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Any military spouses that can identify

I think a combination of things. Different environment here where we are, more administrative than just being in the field which I thought would be good after such a fast pace.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: Any military spouses that can identify

Ok, may I ask if enlisted or officer?

At 12 years she must be in a leadership position of some kind... how does she feel about herself, is she making a difference in what she does or does she feel like just another military cog in garrison?

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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Any military spouses that can identify

She is an E-7 in the USA and made it at just under 10 years. She didn't want to put in for it last year but I insisted she did and sent 2 big boxes of paperwork to Afghanistan because I couldn't find a few documents she was looking for. Needless to say, she made it out of the "junior zone" a year ahead of her time. But she seems miserable so far here at this place but me and the kids love it because she's more grounded.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:58 AM
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Re: Any military spouses that can identify

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Originally Posted by C3156 View Post
Not a spouse, but a military member.

There are a lot of things that could be affecting her, which in turn affects how she responds to you. What kind of unit does she work in? What kind of deployments did she do and where? Having done several deployments myself, I know what happens when the spouse is out of sight and mind. Being in close quarters with members of the opposite sex when you are far from home and lonely makes for trouble. I am not saying anything like that happened, but I saw it far to many times.

Instead of approaching it from an aspect of what is wrong with her, approach it from how the lack of emotional intimacy is affecting you. How it makes you feel? Then listen to her response and how she acts. Obviously something is going on but she has not opened up yet. It could be another, it could have been a traumatic experience overseas. Perhaps if you can express your feelings in a way that is not coming right at her, you may be able to get her to go to counseling with you to explore what is going on. I know the military offers a lot of options with regards to counseling due to the experience of the last ten years.

Best of luck, I hope that you all are able to reconnect.
I think this is pretty on point. I was in a combat unit(no women thank god) but i saw it happen all the time. My guess is she became a **** on the deployment in question.

What's your gut feeling?
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: Any military spouses that can identify

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She is an E-7 in the USA and made it at just under 10 years. She didn't want to put in for it last year but I insisted she did and sent 2 big boxes of paperwork to Afghanistan because I couldn't find a few documents she was looking for. Needless to say, she made it out of the "junior zone" a year ahead of her time. But she seems miserable so far here at this place but me and the kids love it because she's more grounded.
Thanks for sharing... I was Army also and E-6(P) when I stepped out at 12+, deployments were going to break my family but a lot of damage was already done yet here we are still married and working hard at it.

How does she "throw it back" on you?

Bottom line is, something changed and in that change that she has withdrawn from you is troubling.

Perhaps a resentment has been built form pushing her too hard for that extra stripe and the responsibilities therein?

How well are you accepted in her section/platoon and are they the same section/platoon that she deployed with? Who are her friends?

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 08:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Any military spouses that can identify

Thanks EB, my gut is nothing is happening as far as any infidelity.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 08:31 AM
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Re: Any military spouses that can identify

Cool... how about the pressure for the extra stripe and responsibility?

You never did say how she throws it back on you...

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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 04-26-2017, 12:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Any military spouses that can identify

There is no pressure of an extra stripe, just a little frustration that she had to wait 6 months for her number to come up but not real frustration. Who doesn't want to be promoted? Anyway, a little open communication went a long way. Thank for all the replies!
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