01-13-2012, 01:06 AM
Join Date: Feb 2011
| | Re: I need urgent advice
Josh......simple negotiation tools are perfect for this situation.
What you have to consider is the oriental concept of 'losing face' - your wife lost 'face' while she was yelling at you thereby empowering you at the moment, but at that monent you can lose your position - you don't smile, smirk, yell back, or scold her all acts that weaken you need to be passive (emotionally harder to do). A passive power response would be simply looking into eyes, never looking away, maintaing contact...square yourself to her - sit up straight, and don't betray your emotions - don't give her a blank empty stare - a slight look I'd sadness or disapointment or wonderment (practice in the mirror).....If you do what I suggest and someone walks into the situation they will see a solitary person engaged in bafoonary.
When she pauses or ends - you should say something like (in a soft/low voice) so she has to lean in to you to hear you - a trick is to say their name once or twice so she can react to the sound level in time to hear something that does not engage the argument or topic but her behavior like: "_______, _______, I am sorry that you chose to behave like this in public, it is disrespectful to you
and it demeans you" then exit the situation and don't engage her.
Now the pouting/crabby and withholding the why you are upset is VERY passive aggressive on your part, you lose face, and only makes things worse.
You should of at the first opportunity (eye to eye, squared to her)........express your feeling of disrespect, and your behavior in as few words as possible - pick a voice level and maintain it no matter her reponse and her voice levels......stress your desire to remain married (establish that not remaining married is on the table) if the present circumstances continue - suggest solutions.
Have you considered that you attempts to be Alpha has resulted in you being incresenly passive aggressive, your postings suggest that, and this is contributing in some part to your wife's behavior.
I think couples counciling including the development of communication skills is warranted.
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Last edited by calif_hope; 01-13-2012 at 01:10 AM.