I am practicing the no more nice guy method and it works very well. I am facing now a situation and I don't know how to react:
Just few minutes ago, my wife yelled at me in a very rude way in public, next to my best friend. She had yelled at me in public before (i.e. pre me stopping being nice guy) but never like that.
It's all about setting boundaries. Have you told her before that she should not address you that way in public? If so, you need to sit her down the next time you are alone and calmly spell out that her yelling was disrespectful and that you do not consider it acceptable treatment by her.
Then you identify a consequence that you can live with if it happens again. This consequence could be as stern as filing for divorce or as simple as promising to either leave her alone at the event (or make her leave if it's somewhere you want to stay.)
Set boundaries with consequences. Nothing you can do right now to have magic words for this event, but you can set the stage for better interaction at future events. Good luck.
Thank you tex! This is what I am confused about - what type of consequences I can apply when I am sitting and talking to my friend and she gets there and starts to yell at me.
Look at her stone faced and ask,
"Would you think its appropriate for me to treat you that way in front of your friends?" Then end it. Tell her you'll talk about it later.
Or,
Take ownership (if you really messed something up) apologize, and then let her know that you don't appreciate how she brought it to you, and you WON'T respond well if she chooses to react that way again. She showed no respect for you under the circumstances.
If she continues to escalate, leave, don't take her calls. Don't go home for several hours. Posted via Mobile Device
There is only one way to treat this. I have this problem of being yelled at but not exactly in pubic. Have something always ready to yell back. Make sure its 'strong' enough. She wont do it again if she knows she gets double back.
I think it’s best to treat an adult who’s behaving like a child, as a child but in a jokey way. “Anymore of that behaviour and I’ll stop your pocket money”. “Continue with that stuff and you’re grounded for a week”. “Just wait till I get you home you’re in for a spanking”.
All said with a smile on your face.
A lot of these things are to do with our ego. In that they hurt our ego, we’re on the back foot in defence mode and we’re not sure what to do about it. There are many ways of handling it, take a look at Defence Mechanisms: Manning Up!. Like all things practice makes perfect, so take a look at The Four Stages of Competence.
Ego defence mechanisms are a part of our boundaries. We have boundaries around our ego to protect it, much like our fists protect our body. To learn about boundaries take a look at Boundaries for Men.
I didn't tell her anything yet. When I got home (she was home already) she acted affectionately (as she does lately, since I stopped being a nice guy) but I am still angry and upset.
What's more, today is our anniversary.
I just want to go to sleep. She asks me where are we going and I keep on pushing it off.
BAD STUFF.
So should I just get over myself? I always have such a hard time. I guess this is what I need to do and bring it up fairly soon to clarify what she did wrong.
You know? I wrote about it in the past. The "no more nice guy" method basically expect you to do all of the heavy lifting all the time. You are becoming a little bit of a father, a teacher and what's not. You have to set boundaries, while she will continue her "fitness tests". When everything is fine and she finally learns that you are an alpha male, you will much less of those but whenever another one will come you will have to deal with it again.
But then, sometimes, like yesterday, I was just not in the mood of being an alpha male, I didn't want to set boundaries, I just wanted that SHE will finally start treating me like she should, without me always being the "educator".
And so she didn't, as she never does.
I can never come to her and say "you hurt me" and hear a genuine apology. Instead I have to say "don't do xyz again".
So instead of talking about it, I was crabby the entire day yesterday. This morning my wife told me that it's sad that this is how I acted, and I reply that it is sad but I need some time for myself to be sad.
I didn't even think of telling her WHY I am sad cause that will only get her to start bashing me again.
So here I am, sitting and writing this, an alpha male who wants some quite time of being an alpha
I think the next time she yells at you in public, you need to raise your eyebrows and look at her, maybe making HER feel like the child she is treating you as...tell her, in a calm voice, to take her tantrums somewhere else.
Too much time has passed since the event, you did lose your chance with this one. Its ok, but you dont bring it up and stop moping around. It will make her disrespect you more and the chances are higher she will yell at you when she doesnt respect you. I know its tiring, I know you want a break... take a break when you arent around her, dont let her see you moping around.
If it happens again, and you cant think of anything to say, excuse yourself from wherever you are and dont explain yourself to her. If you can collect yourself enough, then try one of those things mentioned by AFEH... or try sarcasm... nice sarcasm like... "can you repeat that please I really couldnt hear you!" heehee I like that one!
The concepts of Alpha and Beta are only helpful insofar as YOUR ability to understand them.
She doesn't have to. Quite frankly, I don't think any man should EVER discuss the terms Alpha and Beta
with their partner.
The next piece, I emphasize quite often now, but many guys understandably aren't there yet.
You must be prepared to accept that leaving this relationship is a possible outcome. It may not be the
one you want, but it may be what you need to do.
You mention that she treats you like crap ... often.
Here is what you need to understand. At this point, the issue isn't her behavior ... it's yours.
Her behavior is quite consistent, and she is comfortable with it. You are the one that is uncomfortable.
You want her to be respectful. You want her to treat you with kindness. You want her to understand that
how she treats you, hurts your feelings.
And she doesn't.
So ... you have two simple choices.
Change how YOU interact with her, so that you are far more comfortable with those interactions and outcomes.
Or
Allow your relationship and self-esteem continue to degrade to the point where one of you is leaving the other regardless.
Deejo, I did make that decision a while ago and it did help me much. In fact I told my wife "I don't HAVE to stay with you, I will have other many nice choices to marry - I CHOOSE to stay with you and make our marriage work but you have to do your share."
I did write she used to yell at me often... the situation got so much better! And its all thanks for me stopping being a doormat. Our sex life got better and her respect to me got better.
But that incident really put me off track. I was really not ready for it. Next to my best friend! I was really hurt (and it didn't happened to me in a while).
My point is, an alpha male is the one who has to do all the work. An alpha male can't reveal to his wife that deep inside he has weaknesses too since that's her greatest fear. The main reason why she treated me like this was because she thought I was weak. Now I am strong.
But sometimes, just sometimes, you get tired from faking up that front, because deep inside I'd really rather be the nice guy, married to a nice lady who doesn't see my niceness as weakness.
Stop worrying about being alpha. Next time she acts up let her know she's acting like a child and needs to have some respect you as well as herself. Then move on. Don't be baited into a discussion about it. Same type of response the next time. Oh and don't go around sulking afterwards either. Hit the gym or go for a run. Do something that can clear your head and come back in a good mood. You have to get to the point where her outburst doesn't move you.
I need urgent advice 
