"Laying there like a dead fish.." ? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 06:11 PM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

Argh. The verb is LIE. Lying there like a dead fish. There are no transitory birds transitively laying their eggs here. And the OP's guy-friend is getting laid, but he definitely isn't happy about it.

I know, I know...a forum grammar nazi is about as welcome as heat rash.
But about every 50th time I see it, I have to say something out loud. It's for me, to avoid implosion and bleeding eyeballs, but maybe the one person in 20 who isn't offended will actually appreciate knowing the right word.

The porn comparison is mainly a false dichotomy. Women can be energetic, athletic, vocal or quiet (I skipped the Oxford comma. A style thing! Like sentence fragments.) Granted, it's nice if you cooperate a little, physically speaking: You might let a man lead when you dance, but you've still got to move your feet! And most of us like a little initiative and aggression, as when you climb on top and have your way with us.

But "dead fish" is usually a metaphorical complaint about a lack of focus and engagement. No one wants a partner who's mentally Somewhere Else, doing Something (or Someone) Else.

It doesn't take much to show engagement, if you are not the porn star type. You can literally Just Lie There as you're getting laid...but if you're looking deep into our eyes, making even small sounds of pleasure, pushing back into us even slightly with your hips, then we know you're fully present in the moment with us.

In that case, we promise not to complain, make ungracious necro-piscatory comparisons...or even comment on the verbs you use.
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post #47 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 07:08 PM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

That is so sad. One of the greatest joys of sex is driving your partner wild. If you just want to get off, without any connection, your favorite hand is a much simpler option.

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I don't think my husband cares what I say or do during sex, as long as I am compliant.

Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
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post #48 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 07:20 PM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

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That is so sad. One of the greatest joys of sex is driving your partner wild. If you just want to get off, without any connection, your favorite hand is a much simpler option.
I don't think he would ever prefer masturbation to intercourse. I would not, either.

For sure, my husband is not picky. I have never felt any pressure to respond in any way other than whatever I was genuinely feeling at the moment. And he has always seemed very happy with me.

Again, different strokes for different folks.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #49 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-08-2017, 07:30 PM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

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You might let a man lead when you dance, but you've still got to move your feet!
I'm stealing this.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #50 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 02:57 AM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

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I don't know why anyone would have sex like this more than once. If a partner was this way with me (or even just a portion of it), I would split. I need engagement, passion, communication, and presence with a sexual partner. And again...not because of comparisons to porn. I know what passionate sex looks and feels like, and that is rarely what is seen in porn anyway.
Amen!

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #51 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

If you are both enjoying then that is completely fine.

I think often people (including me) assume that someone who is very passive during sex isn't enjoying it. That may not be true for some.

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I don't think he would ever prefer masturbation to intercourse. I would not, either.

For sure, my husband is not picky. I have never felt any pressure to respond in any way other than whatever I was genuinely feeling at the moment. And he has always seemed very happy with me.

Again, different strokes for different folks.
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post #52 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 10:02 AM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

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If you are both enjoying then that is completely fine.

I think often people (including me) assume that someone who is very passive during sex isn't enjoying it. That may not be true for some.
We definitely have a mutually enjoyable sex life.

And I am usually quite responsive. But even the times when I have mostly just been accommodating him, it did not bother either one of us. It certainly still feels good, and is a moment of closeness.

Again, different strokes for different folks.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #53 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 06:59 AM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

This thread sums up the kryptonite in my marriage. It's a constant battle between my W and I.

She thinks everything is just dandy; I on the other hand find sex boring with her. No passion, enthusiasm, or adventure which equals the classic starfish.

So now in order to enjoy sex a little bit. I have to say do this or that (e.g. give me a BJ, bend over, get on top). It's generally okay but with a slight sigh at times.

Frequency is 1-2 times a week with a scale of 2-3/10 in quality.





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post #54 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 07:10 AM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

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I'm stealing this.
Ditto.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #55 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 07:14 AM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

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Originally Posted by Juice View Post
This thread sums up the kryptonite in my marriage. It's a constant battle between my W and I.

She thinks everything is just dandy; I on the other hand find sex boring with her. No passion, enthusiasm, or adventure which equals the classic starfish.

So now in order to enjoy sex a little bit. I have to say do this or that (e.g. give me a BJ, bend over, get on top). It's generally okay but with a slight sigh at times.

Frequency is 1-2 times a week with a scale of 2-3/10 in quality.





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What did she say when you told her that your sex life is lackluster? Or is my question rhetorical?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #56 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 07:26 AM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
What did she say when you told her that your sex life is lackluster? Or is my question rhetorical?
Well...good question. She said "We have to do it more!". I explained that's not the problem. I told her that quality trumps quantity and it just seems like you're in a hurry to get it over with (duty sex). She thinks I'm wrong and that I'm never satisfied.

She's is a little controlling (which is fine with me) and she's finding out that this part of our marriage is out of control because I start to become distant from her when we go through the motions.

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post #57 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 07:33 AM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

It's actually pretty simple. If a woman just lays there motionless, not making much of a sound and just seems like they're not into it, the man is eventually going to lose interest in having sex with her. Whether it's because he feels he simply can't satisfy the woman no matter what he tries or even if he knows he satisfied her but received no reciprocation. Yes it happens from time to time that my wife just lays there during sex, not often but it happens. For whatever reason she's not into it but wants to make me happy or whatever, but the thing is that her just laying there doesn't make me happy. There needs to be some kind of involvement from both sides
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post #58 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 08:15 AM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
It's actually pretty simple. If a woman just lays there motionless, not making much of a sound and just seems like they're not into it, the man is eventually going to lose interest in having sex with her. Whether it's because he feels he simply can't satisfy the woman no matter what he tries or even if he knows he satisfied her but received no reciprocation. Yes it happens from time to time that my wife just lays there during sex, not often but it happens. For whatever reason she's not into it but wants to make me happy or whatever, but the thing is that her just laying there doesn't make me happy. There needs to be some kind of involvement from both sides
Or some acceptance of each person's efforts.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #59 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 08:19 AM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

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Originally Posted by Juice View Post
This thread sums up the kryptonite in my marriage. It's a constant battle between my W and I.

She thinks everything is just dandy; I on the other hand find sex boring with her. No passion, enthusiasm, or adventure which equals the classic starfish.

So now in order to enjoy sex a little bit. I have to say do this or that (e.g. give me a BJ, bend over, get on top). It's generally okay but with a slight sigh at times.

Frequency is 1-2 times a week with a scale of 2-3/10 in quality.
Do you think it is abnormal to tell her what to do during sex?

I don't. I think it is really sexy and normal for the man to take charge like that.

Honestly, a man not doing that would seem very strange to me.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #60 of 114 (permalink) Old 05-11-2017, 08:25 AM
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Re: "Laying there like a dead fish.." ?

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Or some acceptance of each person's efforts.
Well it's not even acceptance of a person efforts. If you're looking and expecting some kind of acceptance or approval of what you're doing, sex or otherwise, you're never going to be happy. If you truly want to be happy in any relationship you need to drop almost all expectations of the other person and just let things happen. But at the same time, if the other person doesn't show some type of appreciation or reciprocation of your efforts or something you do, they can't get mad when you stop doing those things for them.
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