blue23

Hi everyone! I need some advice
When we first started dating, of course, my boyfriend was very romantic and did lots of sweet things for me. He liked being affectionate and sending me little love notes - and he did, ALL THE TIME. Then we began to fight more and they stopped. Finally recently when things have been calm and good for a while, I asked him if he might be a little more affectionate because the distance is hard and I miss him, so I asked if he could send me cute little text messages or be flirty with me. He was fine with it and did it sometimes. Then I realized I was asking him to do stuff, and hoping he would do stuff, that I wasn't even doing. Like little special things - maybe a card in the mail, a random nice text or email, a little present for no reason - that type of thing. So I started doing those things for him, and I tried really, really hard to do them without expecting him to do anything back.
Last night we were talking and here is where I need some help. He clearly stated that he feels like he does things for me, he said that he feels it is more impressive when you do something BIG and really impressive. I have made it clear that I love all the little things! And he thinks that he IS doing special things for me.
I am not sure what they are! I know there are things such as he will take me out to dinner, pay a lot of our travel expenses to see each other since I'm not making much money, etc. but in terms of stuff other than monetary...I'm not sure! But he thinks he is.
So I do things for him and he feels like I expect him to do something back. He also said that he loves me and is very happy with me and wants to marry me and doesn't need me to do anything except to have a peaceful relationship with him. So basically I can make him happy by being me and not fighting with him!
Now, I like to do these little things for him. I like sending him a card or a text or something just hoping it might make him smile. I really do try to do them without expecting anything. I do hope that he will at least say he got it or something but if he doesn't, that's fine. I guess this is something for me to look at because he does seem to think I expect something back...and I don't think I do.
He also said that he does feel he is too comfortable in the relationship, and that he thinks maybe I should try less hard and be less serious about it. This is where I'm confused and we didn't really talk about it more, and I don't want to bring it up to him because he hates talking about relationship stuff.
Now, I am definitely kind of more into the relationship than he is and I am very extroverted, he is pretty introverted. Despite this he does make a huge effort to call me and communicate with me. I do NOT like playing games in relationships, we have been together 3 years next week - but I am wondering if I am "too available" for him. For instance, I have more time on my hands it seems than he does and I always want to talk to him. It is hard to reach him and I am usually available at night, so when he calls, I almost always answer the phone - I'm around doing homework. He is the one who I feel like I am "chasing" and he is hard to track down. Sometimes he doesn't text me back, I always text him back.
Is this making sense so far?
I always want to be intimate and do other things (probably not appropriate to go into here and I don't want this thread to be moved to another area) with him, so I know that he is sexually very happy with me. However I don't know if I make him work for it enough. Is that something I should do at this point in the relationship?? Like, I know the things he likes, sexually and nonsexually. And I do them for him, OFTEN. I have made it very clear to him what I like but he does not do them unless I request and even if he does, it doesn't always feel like he is super into it - like making out/kissing. He will do it sometimes but I am wondering like should I kind of not let s-- happen unless he has kissed me enough or done what I need him to do?
My main questions are, what do you do at this point? I want him to be comfortable with me but I feel a bit taken for granted. I don't want to "talk" to him about this as I already have and he is the one who said he is too comfortable, after I had been thinking of it. Should I deny s--? Make him work for it more? Not always answer when he calls? "Forget" to call him back some nights? Act distant? I really don't know. I hate playing games but I would like to be appreciated more. However, there is nothing really wrong and I love LOVING him and doing nice things for him!
So I am confused. Any insight would be helpful. Thanks, sorry this is so long!

JustaJerk

Had to chime in because I can totally relate to your boyfriend. I'm an introvert also. I really don't need all the hoopla surrounding the relationship. Don't get me wrong, I(we) like the attention and the cuddling... but to an extent. I think when it borders on smothering and a bit on the needy side, its a major turn-off.

You go on to say that he does exhibit affection toward you, right? I think what your looking for him to reciprocate with the same "enthusiasm" or "fanfair" that you display.

One thing that an ex-GF questioned me about was the lack of "I love you's" I was saying. I did tell her I love you, but it wasn't with the same frequency that she was. It got to the point where she questioned my love for her based on this issue. I sat her down and told her that saying this meant alot, and I just don't want it to feel like I'm paying lip-service to her. I explained that I would rather her tell me she loved me- in person and look into my eyes- once in a while, rather than tell me all day every day. It seems more sincere and genuine this way.

In my opinion, telling someone you love them is a very special thing, and shouldn't be said just for the sake of saying it.

Does all this sense?

You sound like a total Valley Girl... like, totally right.

AFEH

People love one another in different ways. Take a look at The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love LanguagesŪ. It comes highly recommended by a lot of people here on TAM. It really is quite revealing.

blue23

Wow you really hit the nail on the head with everything you said! Thanks. I know I can definitely be smothering and needy, and I do like to hear "I love you" a lot...but he kind of said what you said, that hearing stuff every day makes it less special. which is true. I feel like I have a lot of love to give and I love expressing it to him but maybe I need to channel it in another way... ?
It seems like he looks at things in a very simple way. He just wants peace basically and says he loves me. So maybe all the little loveydovey things I'm doing are...not driving him away but maybe he just doesn't really need them one way or the other.
I guess I have nostalgia...he was very very affecionate at the beginning and I miss it. But yes, I mean, he is very sweet to me, its just not exactly how it was before which I loved, but he is definitely affectionate and very kind and giving to me.

blue23

Oh, and I can't believe I wrote all those "likes". Ugh!!

And I have read the Love Languages. It is a great book!! The conversation with my boyfriend actually started because I brought up that book - I had asked him to read it a while back - and I am not quite sure what his love language is. I can't figure it out!
JustaJerk (why is that your name??) can I ask you a personal question - since you said you can relate to my boyfriend - what is your "love language"? if you are saying you are an introvert, what types of acts can your girlfriend do for your to demonstrate her love?

JustaJerk

No sweat. I'm from Cali, so I'm familiar with its use.

Sometimes I can be brutally honest, to the point of jerkdom.

I'm not really familiar with the "love languages" thing, but communication is key.

KanDo

"I do NOT like playing games in relationships, we have been together 3 years next week - but I am wondering if I am "too available" for him."


You say you don't want to play games and then you talk about playing a game.

Stop it. If your in a commited relationship, you can't be too available...

__________________
KanDo

If you want to feel better about your situation, read my story http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...t-message.html

toolate

It sounds like you are in the role of the convincer and a little denial mixed in. You do want those things from him, and from what you typed, he used to do them. He stopped and you are now trying to get him to do things again, and at the same time bc of his decrease in doing things you are now "accepting" less and less. I see resentment in disguise building inside of you, hidden by sweetness of an "accepting" girlfriend.

He is comfortable, he knows he has you and he is the type that believes once he has you he doesnt have to do all the stuff anymore. You are beginning a very painful dance with him. You either have to genuinely get yourself to a place where its ok to not get little lovey things out of him, or leave. He knows how you feel, he thinks he is doing things for you... any more attempts to tell him or show him what you want make you look more needy and desperate... not a good place to be in from the perspective of a guy like him.

He is plainly telling you and showing you what he is willing to do to express feelings, and you are running in circles trying to minimize disappointment and then encourage him to do more when he is plainly telling you what he is willing to do. See the circle I just made? That is your relationship from the outside looking in... and perhaps his and your experience inside it...

You cant change him, only yourself. make a choice about what you truly can live with and then look at his actual present actions (not the ones you miss so much) and see if you can be ok with that... if you try to keep getting more it will make your relationship a circular hell.

COguy

Definitely sounds like a love language issue. It's a major source of relationship problems and will only continue when you get married. Sounds like both of you really do care about eachother and do things for the other, you just need to try and get on the same page.

Have you outright asked him what makes him feel loved? Have you told him how important it is for you to get little gifts from time to time and how much it means to you? That that is way more important than anything else and is how you KNOW that he loves you?

He definitely cares about you, he probably doesn't really understand what the gifts mean to you. I had the same problem, my wife's need for me to help her around the house never really clicked with me. When I figured it out, it was like "Ohhhhhhh!!" and now I'm helping her around the house with enjoyment because I really get how much it means to her.

She has just recently made that connection with me and physical affection (including sex). She can do everything right, but if she's not giving me hugs and kisses and the big S, then I don't FEEL loved (even though I know she loves me). I told her she's not obligated to do those things, because I know she's not a touchy feely person, but when she does them it makes me feel loved. Now I see her making a real effort in those areas and it means more to me because I know she's doing it just to show how much she cares.

End result is that we're not spinning our wheels trying to show love only to have the other person unsatisfied. Like paddling a double kayak. You can waste your energy doing your own thing, but you'll end up going in circles; or you can get in sync with your partner and glide effortlessly through the water.