I didn't feel that being a SAHM was a choice for me if I be honest here. For me, it was what I thought we had to do to raise kind, healthy kids to be the same as adults. I was working full time and left my job after a week in the hospital with my son and the third visit in a month. It was a conscientious choice my husband and I took together and for both it meant different sacrifices and responsibilities. They are just very different from one another. We absolutely struggled far more than we would have had I continued working.
Bob could have made his point without jumping to so many conclusions or telling me about my life without asking. Simple.
I agree with you. Your contribution to the raising of your children and the care of your husband is as valuable as his contribution as breadwinner.
Without him as breadwinner you could not have done what you did. Without you at home taking care of children and everything else your husband would have had a lot more strain as the breadwinner.
This is what a good marriage is about, it's a partnership. You are a team and each team member takes their part of the work and does it responsibly.. and in a marriage with love.
I have almost always been the bread winner.. almost always with a husband who did not help out at all in any way.
From my experience, not having a spouse that is a reliable team member is an awful thing to experience. The pressure of literally having to do it all is very hard.
It's always interesting to see what direction some threads can go when you haven't kept up on them.
Since my 'love language' is words of affirmation, I will say that it does indeed give me the warm fuzzies when my H expresses appreciation for the mundane, everyday things.
He doesn't need to express this all the time, but when it's done at unexpected times - like when I come home from a day at work completely frazzled, having a cranky kid clinging to me, having to get dinner on, and have him grab hold of me in his arms, touch my face, and say "baby, I appreciate everything you do to make our lives easier and better, and especially today when you had such a difficult day..." Well...you know what happens after that.
One reason it feels so wonderful is because it is so easy to take our spouses for granted - taking for granted the day to day things, yes, even the mundane things that we all have to do in our lives. Knowing you are not alone, knowing that you are seen, knowing that you are appreciated (and hence loved) and openly expressing that to our spouses can make all the difference in their world, and in turn our own.
Mother Theresa once said "There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread."
I say make sure you feed your spouse then.
I did that Love Language test the other week. I came out high on “Words of Affirmation” and “Physical Touch”. My wife would have been “Acts of Service” and “Receiving Gifts”.
We were the typical in love with each other but often not actually feeling loved. I believe this happens a lot and I feel it’s very sad that it happens. I believe it happens because opposites do attract one another.
I am though truly surprised that someone like TRBE who has been on TAM for so very long and has made so many posts does not know these things.
To have a happy, healthy and long lasting marriage the spouses really do need to learn their partner's love languages. But some spouses do actually trivialise and belittle their partner’s language of love. I like to think it's done out of total ignorance and that it's not at all deliberate and calculating.
I could be wrong, but I think that the point that AFEH is trying to make is that there are pressues on the breadwinner that the non-breadwinner does not have.
A breadwinnder makes choices based on the family finances and they are not always what the breadwinner wants to do. They will stay in a job that they are really do not want to do, they will work longer hours that they do not want to work, they put up with crap at work that they should not really put up with for their own mental and physical health because they know that if they don't do this their entire family will suffer.
In a marriage where both spouses work and contriubute near equally, neither has this pressure.
But in a marriage where one spouse shoulders all, or most, of the burden of the family financial burden there is a special kind of pressure that the breadwinner is under that the other spouse does not experience.
Makes perfect sense to me... you are probably right !! And this is why I will always feel what my husband does is way more worthy than what I do, he does feel more pressure, but he still wants me to stay home , tend to the kids, not be out working & driving on the bad roads, it IS his wish and I am happy cause I still love my role and I overwhelmingly support him in his.
I guess you know I like and really appreciate your posts. Of coarse you do right? Within that context I caution you not to think of your good self as less worthy than your husband. Not only for your own sake but for your husband’s sake as well.
You both bring things to the table which although exceptionally different are just as valuable as each other.
It is a wise couple that know and demonstrate their appreciation of the values they bring to the marriage table. In long term marriages especially these are things to be rejoiced and celebrated on a regular basis but are so often swamped in ingratitude, ignorance and resentment and then lost forever.
For someone who complains about the state of England so much and the unemployment rate, etc., I find it remarkable that you think having a job makes a person special. You wax on and on about lazy people in England (usually women) and yet now act as if being employed makes a person special. You have said time and again that these women need to get off their butts and get a job. Do you routinely show up at their houses when they do with a brass statue? Neither do I.
I guess being employed or "breadwinner" as you put it should only be lauded if the person has a penis. If they don't....they are just doing what society expects.
Having a job doesn't make anybody special. Providing for a family doesn't either. It is what is EXPECTED of an adult.
I am glad that my husband doesn't have an ego so fragile that I need to congratulate him for waking up in the morning and going to work. I am glad that my ego isn't so fragile that I need to get warm fuzzies from him that I am so amazing because I work full time.
I guess you know I like and really appreciate your posts. Of coarse you do right? Within that context I caution you not to think of your good self as less worthy than your husband. Not only for your own sake but for your husband’s sake as well.
It is not that I de-value myself , I guess I didn't word that very well . I may question how others view SAHM's because of the slow death of traditional families , but never my husband... he brags on me... Never himself though... My husband would never talk himself UP, he has never been like that. Me, oh yeah, I can do that, I need to shut my mouth sometimes ! I have a bigger ego than him really! He has given it to me, ha ha.
Just if I had to "compare" is all .... I do feel he does WAYYYYY more than me.... I would NEVER want to trade places with my husband.... he takes on some humdinger projects to save our family $$ & works very hard, deals with some idiots at work.
I am THRILLED to be the wife, the mother, the woman .....even though there is no time clock (I've noticed this mentioined alot by SAH Mom's).......even when it means getting up in the wee hours of the night with fevers, bottles, diaper changings, nightmares & throwing up on carpets (this seems to happen regularly at our house!).... I never bother my husband for these things - I want him to get his sleep.
I feel some of my "attitude" comes from suffering infertility, when something you want sooo deeply can not be acheived , it changes you - something wells up inside of you ......if there was any blessing that came out of that depressing experience, it was how overwhelmingly Thankful I was when those babies started coming.....
So when I am tempted to scream when I sit on another peed tiolet seat ...instead I smile -that I have that sweet little boy - and to not loose control when they are fighting with their siblings (because they have siblings!)......just imagining how quiet & uneventful our house would be without them in it......even with the chaos, I count it all JOY somehow.......it just isn't work -for me.
But his job....yeah...it's real WORK, dirty WORK, it's alot more pressure.... if he is neglectful on his job, it could cost others their lives & his job. I would not want that pressure on me. I am very careful to do eveything I can at home - to make his life easy & carefree when he walks through that door every day... that IS my role, I am thankful for it, I see it as a "Gift" even.
He is very THANKFUL for his job (He knows what it is like to make peanuts).... so many of those guys at his work complain about this /about that, and he is thinking they are all A**-holes cause in our little town, it is one of the best blue collar jobs to be had. Some men would kill to get in there....and yet they whine.
Enjoyment of your life, your job, your marraige, your kids ...all of it --really DOES start with realizing what you have, it is often alot more than others have.
A little "appreciation" is very powerful for our "attitudes".
But his job....yeah...it's real WORK, dirty WORK, it's alot more pressure.... if he is neglectful on his job, it could cost others their lives & his job. I would not want that pressure on me. I am very careful to do eveything I can at home - to make his life easy & carefree when he walks through that door every day... that IS my role, I am thankful for it, I see it as a "Gift" even.
I'm not suggesting that what your husband does isn't alot more pressure than you have, as you have stated. But what I couldn't help but think was, that perhaps you don't view your role of having pressure because of your perception of it? If you were neglectful of your "job" then your children's lives/health and well-being would be at risk also. Perhaps just as he has pressure to ensure his colleagues are taken care of.
I think appreciation for what we each bring to the table is important. Even with small tasks at home. When he takes out the trash, I appreciate that. When I make the bed in the morning, he appreciate that ....we thank each other for these small things as well as the bigger things. I agree appreciation is important.
SA ~ I think both you and your husband are blessed.
SimplyAmorous, so glad to hear you don’t under value yourself.
I think Appreciation can move mountains. The famous Dale Carnegie wrote about in his book published back in the 30s, it’s sold 15 million copies in many different languages and still sells today http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friend...7281102&sr=8-1
“He teaches these skills through underlying principles of dealing with people so that they feel important and appreciated”. A life skill often missing in marriages?
I think there is a certain tabu that is placed on women who want to "marry rich." Sure, many women who want to marry rich may be money hungry and shallow, but aside from those "typical" women, there are other women who use marrying rich as just one of the factors in finding someone.
I have a friend who is from a wealthy family. She is concerned that men will want to marry her for money, and that's why she wants to marry someone who is rich as well so she know he's not in it for the money. I don't really get it, maybe it's a rich thing
I think there is a certain tabu that is placed on women who want to "marry rich." Sure, many women who want to marry rich may be money hungry and shallow, but aside from those "typical" women, there are other women who use marrying rich as just one of the factors in finding someone.
I have a friend who is from a wealthy family. She is concerned that men will want to marry her for money, and that's why she wants to marry someone who is rich as well so she know he's not in it for the money. I don't really get it, maybe it's a rich thing
A lot of rich men do this as well. They are concerned about gold diggers so they look for a wife who will bring similar amount of assets into the marriage.
tl:dr = "I'm 23, Female and I want to marry a guy who makes 300K /yr and has $1Million in assets"
I'm just curious what the guys here think about her and her plans. (holding my own tongue for now)
Perhaps if she herself is an ambitious person she is simply looking for someone who has succeeded at least in the monetary sense, or perhaps she is looking for someone who exudes a sense of self confidence. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.
It could be a joke, or she has not ever had a real relationship and truly loved.
I guess the bigger question would be: Why is your fiance' sending you these links?
I hear what you're all saying. And the rational side of me wants to agree that yes, you can be rich and still have morals.
But my gut...my "soul" tells me that rich men are the most evil, vile, dispicable creatures on the planet. They are void of all decency and morality. They are revered for their bank accounts instead of their deeds and accomplishments.
Absolute power corrupting absolutely is a phrase I wholeheartedly believe in.
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Re: Marrying for money 
Re: Marrying for money 
