So posting on another topic got me thinking. Though this is a marriage forum this is a topic that us guys should talk about, even if it is to talk about with our sons or young men we know who are struggling. It's something I wish I had known when I was in high school and my early 20's as I was the classic nice guy. Primarily raised by my Mother on a day to day basis. So I thought I would just put down my feelings on this as maybe it will be helpful. OR maybe I just like to see myself type.
So when I say "nice guy" I mean this.
This is really just passive aggression. It's a strategic way to try to minimize risk of rejection. It's also not being honest in your relationship. I think it is also is very unattractive to women who tend to see assertiveness as an attractive quality.
I also believe these are the guys who end up getting married to cheaters and get cheated on in the most brutal fashion. The problem is that through all of this they think all the issues can be solved by being nice or self-sacrificing. Being decent should just be the base line of being a productive human being, it's certainly not a reason to think women will want to date you. Frankly I think lots of women sense this entitlement from these guys and are put off by it. Besides that you don't want your mate to want to be with you just because you are decent, you want her to want you because she finds you attractive, assertive, and good. The women who marry just because the guy is a "nice guy" basically settle and usually end up unhappy, many cheat or just leave (not excusing this behavior).
Besides all that there are times when you shouldn't be "nice", like when your mate is pushing your boundaries. Nope you should push back, decent people respect that. Being "nice" in the hopes of changing a person's treatment of you makes you look weak, because most of the time it is done out of fear. Again it's about minimizing risk. Again it's not being honest about what you are thinking and feeling. I think most women find this kind of passive fear a big turn off, in a sense they look to us as kind of an anchor at least I know my wife does. So acting this way makes them feel like they are on their own. They are naturally attracted to strength.
So what do you do if you are not attractive and assertive. Well first you change your thinking and then you work hard to be those things. There are plenty of books about being assertive.
But I think the most important thing is just being honest and speaking your mind. The one thing with that is to not to over compensate because you are trying to overcome fear. I suspect this may be hard at first and you may come of as defensive, but over time this becomes easier. You should do this with every aspect of your life. It really is a better way to live. Also this doesn't mean you should be inflexible being strong also means being strong enough to change if you realize you were wrong. Even apologize if necessary.
Next attractiveness, I always think if you are not in the baseline why not get plastic surgery and get in shape. Being attractive is an important first step to attracting a mate no doubt, but it's also not a static thing. One can change their appearance, lose weight, put on muscle and dress well. In extreme circumstances like say you have a nose that doesn't fit your face you can get that fixed. That cost about $6000 dollars I think, the cost of a gym membership is about $1000 a year and time. Clothing may very. That is a lot but one of the things you need to attract a mate is a good job so if you don't have some sort of career path you should be looking for one. Preferably with some extra spending money you can use to pay for these things. If you do it's worth the money if you want a mate. No pain no gain as they say.
I wonder if there are services that Men can go to to help them dress better and improve their appearance. As it stands now the internet has tons and tons of information for both sexes. If you are struggling in attracting a mate and or dating I would start here. Learning how to be a better communicator. How to dress for men. This one only takes effort and discipline. About 2 years I would say. How to plan a good date.
By the way the women who is attracted to the bad boy is just the female version of this type of guy in the sense that she doesn't have a handle on what it takes to have a relationship. She like attractive, and assertive but forgets about the good.