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Old 01-18-2012, 10:53 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Male Incentive for Marriage?

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What's in it for men? The end game, the pursuit is over and the target has been acquired and locked down. What's in it for men is the women.
That`s pretty much all I got out of it at great personal cost.

I`m not *****ing and am incredibly lucky to have a woman like my wife.

I believe the cost was well worth it, I just don`t think it should be disregarded.

However my wife knows and doesn`t take it for granted.
She`s told me many times she`s aware of what I`ve done and sacrificed to be with her.

Thing is I don`t see it as a "sacrifice" I truly feel like I got a bargain but I believe that has to do with my "luck" in choosing a wife.
Many men in similar positions as I weren`t so lucky.
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Old 01-18-2012, 10:54 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Male Incentive for Marriage?

She was going to KILL me if I didn't pop the question after 4 years of dating.

I personally would not have kids unless I were married. If you can't even commit to a marriage do you really even have what it takes to take a lifelong commitment to kids?

Even without kids tho, marriage is a powerful symbolic statement of intent. A marriage is a public commitment. And it can be very powerful in keeping a relationship together. Remember the quit smoking advice to publicly declare to your friends that you are quitting? Studies show it helps keep the commitment. Publicly declaring your intent w/ marriage does the same thing.

Logically you are right tho. As a man it seems like the divorce system is stacked against the males.
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:12 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Male Incentive for Marriage?

What's more interesting is how the risk/liability to reward/benefit ratios have shifted away from benefiting men over the past 50 years.

Several different factors have contributed significantly.

In my eyes, the "cost" of divorce is the biggest as it seems completely out of touch with the times. And I don't mean just the money, which is significant, but the custody and legal aspects as well.

In many parts of the country, a man can marry at age 21, get divorced at age 31 and be paying significant alimony to an ex-wife cheated repeated on him until she dies at age 90. (until last year in Massachusetts his new wife could have her wages garnished to pay his ex should his income falter/he loses his job).

During that time, the family law system is heavily stacked against him with regards to his children. In some places it's possible to have to pay child support until the child is age 26, with no way to determine if any of the money is ever going to the child's needs.

With regards to the law, many men have gone to jail *automatically* because of unsubstantiated claims made against them by their wives and ex-wives. The 'system' presumes mail guilt and female innocence and victimhood, despite numerous studios that show women are as much, if not more, the abusers.

I could go on. It's depressing.

I'm amazed that I am willing to tie the knot a second time. I think I am crazy.
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:16 PM   #34 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=I Know

Even without kids tho, marriage is a powerful symbolic statement of intent. A marriage is a public commitment. And it can be very powerful in keeping a relationship together. Remember the quit smoking advice to publicly declare to your friends that you are quitting? Studies show it helps keep the commitment. Publicly declaring your intent w/ marriage does the same thing. [/QUOTE]

And yet half of all marriages end in divorce.
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:23 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Male Incentive for Marriage?

I will say, as much as we didn't want to get married, to say our vows in front of our best lovies (about 20 people on the beach) was very emotional and bonding for us.
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Old 01-19-2012, 11:07 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Male Incentive for Marriage?

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That`s pretty much all I got out of it at great personal cost.

I`m not *****ing and am incredibly lucky to have a woman like my wife.

I believe the cost was well worth it, I just don`t think it should be disregarded.

However my wife knows and doesn`t take it for granted.
She`s told me many times she`s aware of what I`ve done and sacrificed to be with her.

Thing is I don`t see it as a "sacrifice" I truly feel like I got a bargain but I believe that has to do with my "luck" in choosing a wife.
Many men in similar positions as I weren`t so lucky.
I feel very much the same. Marriage was the next step for my wife. She wanted that final committment, if you will, for us to continue. We also talked about her desire to be a SAHM, at least while the kids were young. It was important to her, and while less important to me, I was in agreement. She very reasonably was unwilling to quit her job and rely on me without marriage. That was a level of trust and vulnerability that she just could not reach. I don't blame her.

There has been a cost, in that I am the sole breadwinner and have had to share the money I make with her. Yet I also don't see if as a sacrifice or unfair because she appreciates me and what I do and because she cares her share of the load. She keeps the house and the kids in line. I pitch in when I get home and on weekends, but she views this as her job and her responsibility. I don't resent it because I see her working right next to me, albeit in different areas.

So what is my benefit? I get her.

Edit - Although I am clearly being taken advantage of, because my wife makes me pick up my own dry cleaning.

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Old 01-19-2012, 11:20 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: Male Incentive for Marriage?

Ah what an apt thread. I wonder what my OH would have to say... Oh yeah: nothing.

Okay so being slightly tongue-in-cheek there but I might ask him.
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Old 01-19-2012, 11:28 AM   #38 (permalink)
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I wish I had a wife. Seriously. Someone to cook and clean and help pay the bills and maintain a home and decorate and entertain and pick up my drycleaning.
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Yes, because all wives do this?
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Old 01-19-2012, 11:49 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Not, not all. Though still... I wish I had a wife.
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Old 01-19-2012, 12:15 PM   #40 (permalink)
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If you have to ask this question.. I know you do not understand what a marriage is.

Love, Emotional support, kids, health insurance, financial security+ stability - a partner to retire with, someone who is willing to commit to loving your soul...for better or worse..who will provide support and PROTECTION emotionally, physically (we all can have illness), legally ......

you know the rest.

...<<ah, hew>>. Same old rant, same old complaints....
... Important newsflash....Important newsflash....

If you want your freedom, and do not want to put anothers/partnerships intrest above your own intrest, don't want kids, nor need health insurance, a retirement partner (for money and/or companionship), have no religious beliefs concerning partnerships, think that raising children/step kids is as big a commitment as raising a puppy AND LIKE having the option of changing partners w/o legal entanglemnets..

Do the entire world a favor and stay single.

Sorry, I am just crabby today.....

Last edited by DocHoliday; 01-19-2012 at 12:23 PM.
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Old 01-19-2012, 01:19 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Yeah - that was really out of context, thanks.

I love my husband, and I love that he IS my husband! When we got to talking about it though, we discovered there really is no reason to get married anymore. I'm glad we are and I respect my vows to him - but we really had no reason to get married other than for the heck of it.
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Old 01-19-2012, 01:25 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: Male Incentive for Marriage?

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Children are always legitimate. It's the parents who are bastards.
Wow!
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Old 01-19-2012, 01:26 PM   #43 (permalink)
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YP

Just wondering. How long have you been married?
(P.S. I was not directing my response to you.)
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Old 01-19-2012, 01:39 PM   #44 (permalink)
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I like Willard Harley's analogy of renters vs buyers. People who live together are renters who say to themselves that they can leave the relationship when things get tough. Buyers try harder to work through problems because they are committed to the relationship no matter what.

Obviously with the current divorce rate many people consider themselves renters despite being married.

In addition, ask any child if he wants his parents to be married. There is the important aspect of permanency that gives a child security. The concept of family is missing when people just live together.

Like a previous poster said, the public and legal aspect of marriage is very important to how spouses view their relationship.
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Old 01-19-2012, 01:59 PM   #45 (permalink)
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I was just wondering and thought I'd ask. There isn't much you can get out of marriage that you can't get with a live-in partner. I just wanted to know what those few things were. Am I just naïve here? :/
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YP,

I think you're cute. To start out with, men statistically increase their lifespan when they get married. I don't even assign that a value on my spreadsheet but it seem like it should be pretty valuable.

Although society has gone out of its way to make marriage appear less appealing, even bigger in my humble opinion is the way women's work outside the home is treated. I honestly can't understand why any rational man would have his wife stay at home rather than be out working, maybe even at two jobs or one with a lot of overtime. I'm fine with cooking and cleaning or paying someone (other than my wife) to do it out of our joint income. Whether we like it or admit it, every marriage carries a balance sheet regarding how everything would be divided if the partners dissolved today. Having your wife stay home and earn no income puts the most financial burden on the man of all the possible alternatives. Unless you think you owe this gift to your kids, it doesn't make any sense.
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