Same here. I had my ex live with me off and on for a time, but I've been on my own since I was 16. The cleaning part only increases when you have someone else to pick up after! LoL!
I'm glad I learned to live on my own and be self-reliant before marriage. There are times when I miss the solitude, but I'm glad my husband is here with me to help out around the house and caring for our "kids" (the doggies). I have to say he pulls more than his fair share around the house and doesn't complain about it. It's nice not having to do it all by yourself. Posted via Mobile Device
As someone who spent nearly 20 years working in the court system, I can assure you that for every one of these 'woe is me' stories we hear about men who get screwed in family court, there are at least as many, if not more, women out there who after divorce are left with kids to raise, few good job prospects and an ex who offers little to none parental and financial support.
This isn't to suggest that some guys don't get the shaft. Some do. But it's hardly the one-way street that some like to pretend it is.
As for the male incentive? It should be no different that the female: security (financial and otherwise) and a generally far superior environment in which to raise a family. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm glad you included that, Frank. My own mother was one those women who got the shaft. She was working 60 hours a week with 4 kids to raise while my dad and his mistress (now wife) went on cruises, to country clubs and traveled. I raised my siblings because my mom was never around. Fed them, bathed them, helped them with homework, put them to bed at night and walked them to the bus-stop in the morning for school. I was 13. I resented both of my parents for a long time because of this, but now I understand that my mom was busting her ass to feed us because my dad didn't give a damn. I wish I had complained less back then.
My mom was dedicated to him for 16 years, bore four kids by him, helped get through school, worked and raised a family. And he left us all behind for a psychotic floosy.
Their marriage was a major influence on my hatred of the institution early on in my life. But I'm wiser now and less narrow-minded, I think.
My younger brother is a single father. He has raised his son on his own since he was 4 weeks old. He gets no support from his ex-wife - she's too crazy to hold down a job of any sort and has three kids by three different men and my brother is the only one who has anything to do with his son. He even tried to legally adopt her older son, but the courts granted custody to ex-wife's crazy mother. (Hello, she couldn't raise her own daughter right, why should she get the grandson)?
Good people get the short end all the time. It's sad and it's unfair, but it's life. That's what happens when you're vulnerable, unfortunately. Posted via Mobile Device
Everyone's view on this will be different, related to upbringing, perhaps religion etc.
Personally I don't agree with the "buying vs renting" analogy. I'm not renting or buying a relationship. I never intended on marrying anyone, but was living completely intertwined with my (now) husband. We have been together longer than many married couples. We always knew it was just about each other - and the reason we were together was because we wanted to be, not because we had a somewhat "obligation" to be. I understand this view likely won't be shared amongst many here, on a marriage forum lol, but hey, different strokes for different folks is all I'm saying.
I was never "renting" before "buying". I knew we loved each other, we knew we wanted to be together. Do I respect marriage? ....hmm for me, it's better answered that I respect my man and respect our relationship.
Am I glad that I'm married? Yes. I am proud to be Mrs Batman. Our wedding ceremony was an intimate celebration of our love. We were already promised to each other in our hearts though. I'd be just as proud without the Mrs title ....it's always been about him and I.
... I personally cannot think of any reason for a man to get married unless he wants "legitimate" children... My husband couldn't think of any reasons, either, that couldn't be covered by a couple merely co-habitating. (These reasons included sex, (I know - just an idea), combining of finances, companionship and having shared household responsibilities).
So what incentive does a man really have to get married these days? It seems like he risks so much for so little benefit... And if the marriage fails he could potentially have more to lose...
I agree with you ! And it is very sad, isn't it !! I have 5 sons, my 1st 2 believe strongly in marraige, they both wear their silver purity rings proudly & believe in waiting to have sex. This is so very very rare in today's society, they are probably looked upon as freaks. How sad. For them, Marrying is the moral upright setting for a shared sexual relationship where 2 become one, they desire wives who see it as sacred as they do. It is what is best for the wife, and the children created from such a Union - joined and recognized by family and surrounding community.
Yeah , I have taught my kids to be Traditionalists for the most part....it appears to be a dying unnecessary thing anymore.
I'm one of the few on here who can say my husband had incentive to marry me cause he wasn't getting "the milk for free". I held to my sexual boundaries, he'd still be getting hand jobs if he didn't walk me down the aisle. He was more than ready to move on to the whole glorious deal. But it was so much more than that. He LOVED me, wanted to make me his -officially - give me that sense of security, he wanted me to take his name, he was proud to carry me on his arm, something sacred about the whole thing, we had shared dreams, we spent near every waking moment together outside of work anyway. He trusted me impeccably, I trused him.....and Oh the children we planned to make!!
Marriage is a walk in the Romantic, it has been for us. And the Wedding was so damn much FUN!!
In today's legal climate, the man puts his nads in a vice the moment he slips that ring on her finger. It is very unfortunate that men are guilty until proven innocent, and that's something we desperately need to change (Not to make marriage more disposable, but to stop abuse).
Not so true any more. Under the current "no fault divorce" programs in effect in almost all the states, the guilt or innocence of either spouse makes little or no difference in the end. A lot of people, men and women both, are finding this out the hard way. Understanding the court's guidelines for custody decisions can make a big difference though. For example, a man who works fulltime on his job, comes home and repairs, repaints and renovates the house, looks after the cars and the yard and takes care of paying all the bills gets zero credit from the court for child custody. In 2012, a man is best advised to work part time, demand that his wife work as much as possible and pay someone else to maintain the house, cars, yard and do the bill paying (unless the wife wants to do it). The more places his name shows up as the primary contact for the kids, the more he makes his presence known in any and all activities regarding the kids, the better off he is when the hammer falls. The most foolish thing a man can do is spend extra time away from home working so this wife can stay home.
I did it because I wanted a family and marriage protects the children to a certain degree. However, I will never do it again. I'm a responsible man with a good career who would lose at least 60% of his wealth in a divorce. I don't think the government or a church should be involved in my marriage and I don't like the current legal definition of marriage. I often joke to my wife that I'm nothing more then a glorified pay check mule in today's society.
I like the idea of a renewable marriage contract. Every 5-7 years both parties have the right to a no fault divorce where both parties have the option to walk away without financial consequences except for child support. Prenups would be mandatory which would spell out child visitation rights. This way both parties will be more careful about their choices and will make more of an effort while in the marriage since they know "option" day is coming.
Numerous studies how shown men live longer and healthier in a marriage than being single. So there is the health aspect.
For those here who complain about women getting custody of children, that's because of gender roles that many continue to clutch to in that women are the caregivers/nurturers and men are the providers....hence women raise the kids, men pay child support.
If change is to be done and it should, stop with all the gender roles and realize that BOTH sexes are equally capable of raising children and BOTH genders are equally capable of financially providing for them.
I find it odd that those who cling so hard to gender roles are the ones who are so upset when they only see their kids every other weekend. That makes no sense to me whatsoever. I have men friends and they are VERY nurturing to their kids but the courts would rule against them. 75% of the ELECTED judges are men. If all this BS of men are providers and women are the caregivers gave way of the Dodo bird, men would have equal parenting rights. Why aren't all ya'll rising up? Instead, many are continuing with I am man, here is my role....you are woman....here is yours. What gives? Hell, I wouldn't enter in to a contract where if things went sour I lost access to my kids. Not a chance in hell. So why aren't you men doing more to change the perception?!
Our relationship with our mothers sets the stage for so much in our lives. Do you really think that's due to some gender bias?
Seems hereditary to me. Just how we are.
Not sure I understand you Conrad. So if a man has a good relationship with his mother, he views women as being similar? Or if a man has a bad relationship with his mother, he views women as being bad?
Regardless, women have ALWAYS been seen as being the nurturers/caregivers because that is what our patriarchal society has assigned to them. Childbearers=loves their children. In this model, it only views men as sperm donors and financial supporters. It's disgusting and I ask again, when are men going to cast aside this bs and recognize that they are just as capable as women to be the nurturer?
All this alpha stuff is okay for mating and manipulating but when you are in court....not so much. I have seen the most wonderful and loving sides of men. They love their children just as much as the mothers. They would die for their children and they DESERVE every damn opportunity to be just as involved in their childrens lives as us women.
Why is clinging to gender roles beneficial to any of us? If anything, don't men miss out more in the parenting portion?!
A woman who decides (along with her husband) to stay home and raise children takes a HUGE risk in not being able to support herself should something happen to their marriage or mate.
Being a SAHM is a huge luxury for her and the spouse. I would argue that it is good for the kids to have the mother available at home until school age too. But don't be a martyr about it. I would encourage you to go to work.
As a family unit, I believe it is irresponsible for my wife and me to put all of our economic future on the back of my career. People are disposable in today's work world. In a heartbeat I could be out of a job. Then what would we do?