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Do all married men do this?

10K views 88 replies 39 participants last post by  aine 
#1 ·
Hi guys.

I'm married to my hubby for 7 seven years now. I noticed a lot of things after our 1st year of married life.

After I cook dinner, I'd bring the dish on the table. We would pray. Then I'd grab my food and put it on my plate. Hubby on the other hand, just looks at me. I'd tell him "let's eat!" He would then asks me to put rice (we are Filipino so we eat a lot of rice. I know it's carbs. Lol) on his plate and the food I just cooked. Okay, no problem, sure. Then I noticed that he would expect me to serve him his food every single time. Is it just me or did I not just make you food, why can't you grab it yourself and place it on your plate? I don't get it. I mean, I cooked for him. Foods ready, table is ready. Do I have to feed you too? Do you guys do that too?

Another one. Us ladies know how tired our husband get from working. Well, every time my hubby gets home from work, I would give him his change of clothes. I'd tell him to change because he works at a retail store so his uniform is pretty dusty and dirty. Well every time he changes, he has a habit of not putting his dirty clothes (not just his uniform) straight to the laundry bin. He would just leave it where he's at. Do you do the same? Why?


[emoji177]MamaxP
 
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#2 ·
Hi guys.

I'm married to my hubby for 7 seven years now. I noticed a lot of things after our 1st year of married life.

After I cook dinner, I'd bring the dish on the table. We would pray. Then I'd grab my food and put it on my plate. Hubby on the other hand, just looks at me. I'd tell him "let's eat!" He would then asks me to put rice (we are Filipino so we eat a lot of rice. I know it's carbs. Lol) on his plate and the food I just cooked. Okay, no problem, sure. Then I noticed that he would expect me to serve him his food every single time. Is it just me or did I not just make you food, why can't you grab it yourself and place it on your plate? I don't get it. I mean, I cooked for him. Foods ready, table is ready. Do I have to feed you too? Do you guys do that too?
I’ve never seen a man need to be served like you describe. Did his mother wait on him hand a foot?
Another one. Us ladies know how tired our husband get from working. Well, every time my hubby gets home from work, I would give him his change of clothes. I'd tell him to change because he works at a retail store so his uniform is pretty dusty and dirty. Well every time he changes, he has a habit of not putting his dirty clothes (not just his uniform) straight to the laundry bin. He would just leave it where he's at. Do you do the same? Why?
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You give your husband a change of clothes when he gets home from work? He should be able to get his own clothing. Of course, he just leaves them where ever; his mother probably babied him. And now you do.

I have two sons and a daughter. I taught them all how to do their own laundry when they turned 10 years old. I’ve never had to do their laundry. They take care of their own clothing, their sheets, and towels. You might want to start teaching your own children this so that the boys don’t grow up thinking that a wife is their own personal servant.
 
#23 · (Edited by Moderator)
I’ve never seen a man need to be served like you describe. Did his mother wait on him hand a foot?


You give your husband a change of clothes when he gets home from work? He should be able to get his own clothing. Of course, he just leaves them where ever; his mother probably babied him. And now you do.



I have two sons and a daughter. I taught them all how to do their own laundry when they turned 10 years old. I’ve never had to do their laundry. They take care of their own clothing, their sheets, and towels. You might want to start teaching your own children this so that the boys don’t grow up thinking that a wife is their own personal servant.


Sorry for the late reply. Sometimes I do but most of the time he would ask me to go get him change of clothes. TBH I do not feel like a wife. I feel like I am his maid. I've never met his family. He won't let us meet them.

I teach my two boys to always clean up and not to be lazy. I always remind them that not everything in life will be handed to you.


[emoji177]MamaxP
 
#5 ·
First off, there is absolutely nothing even remotely wrong with the offering of premeal grace!

But once grace has been said and the family is at the table, then it's up to everyone present to serve themselves, save for perhaps one of the parents to help the younger kids to dish up the food onto their plates!

Now regarding washing of clothes, I would suggest that if you don't want him wearing those ripe clothes back to work the ensuing day, if he is not yet accustomed to using a washing machine and dryer, then it is contingent upon you to do it for him, or to have a combination "Come to Jesus Meeting" and "clothes washing seminar!"

To do otherwise, IMHO, is nothing more than "enablement" and the nadir of laziness on his part!
 
#10 ·
The school I went to as a kid had a pretty novel (at the time) approach to subjects.Everybody tried everything.All the boys learned basic home economics,cooking,ironing,using a washing machine,basic clothes repair etc.All the girls learned basic wood and metal work,how to use hand tools,repair furniture etc.
Even sports were combined,I played on mixed volleyball,hockey and soccer teams and the boxing lessons were great fun
I think this guy could have done with some of these classes..
 
#7 ·
My wife does this all the time. She says I am too messy, that I mess up the appearance of her food. She is near Eastern. it is the custom for women to cook and to serve.

When I cook, I usually return the favor...out of courtesy, not that she expects it. If I put too much on her plate, she complains...As the years go by she is less inclined to be this way..

A little less.

You see where this is going...

I guess this is a cultural thing..
 
#13 ·
I guess this is a cultural thing..
I agree. My younger brother is married to a Filipina. Even at BBQ's or family get togethers where things are self serve,she will fix him up a plate. She is a very nice and hard working woman with a full time job who still finds time to manage everything from A to Z it seems like. It works for them and they're happy,so I guess that is all that matters.
 
#9 ·
I have been in households where the food is served on the plate. In fact, my exH, in his quest to become the patriarch after his father died took over that role for Sunday lunch. I don't think it is a good practice as you may be putting more food on a plate than one intends to eat. So he's my exH.

As far as your issues, OP, draw a line in the sand as to what you will and will not do and simply say "well, do it yourself." A lot of people will try it on and see how far they can get you to be their old style servant. I think over time, if you do too much, your spouse (and anyone else) will lose respect for you so you need to gain control of this now.

Setting the tone as to how one gets served for dinner is apparently your first assignment.
 
#15 ·
You have clearly not read the OP's other thread. Her husband spends just about every moment of time away from work playing games on his computer. He's mean, verbally abusive, ignores his children, etc.

He also will not "allow" her to have a job despite her having finished a course that qualifies her to work as a medical assistant.

What she is talking about here is a small part of a very big set of problems.
 
#12 ·
I serve dinner straight to the plate. I have no desire to have extra dishes after dinner, so everyone is given a portion. If they want more, they can make their way back to the kitchen and get more.

As for the laundry, they drop it where they want and if it is not in my baskets to be washed on laundry day then it stays dirty on that floor. All I do is the washing and drying. After that it gets sorted into baskets and they fold and put their own away. I am not a maid and i am not a short order cook.


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#19 ·
I serve dinner straight to the plate. I have no desire to have extra dishes after dinner, so everyone is given a portion. If they want more, they can make their way back to the kitchen and get more.

As for the laundry, they drop it where they want and if it is not in my baskets to be washed on laundry day then it stays dirty on that floor. All I do is the washing and drying. After that it gets sorted into baskets and they fold and put their own away. I am not a maid and i am not a short order cook.


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You are a well ordered cook.

Too tall for the short sighted.
 
#16 ·
My wife almost always cooks because she is a great cook and I'm terrible. Sometimes she serves, sometimes I do, usually be both serve ourselves. I clean and do grocery shopping. We both work full time jobs. Other chores are shared - I do bills, she does taxes, both do our own laundry. I do most home repairs. She waits for delivery people. etc etc.
 
#17 ·
About serving food, or putting food on his plate.

During normal, daily meals, everyone in my family serves themself directly from the stove. If there are things like condiments, salad, etc., those are on the kitchen island. That way each person puts the amount of food and the items they want on their dish. Then we all take our dishes to the dinning room, sit down and eat.

Now during holiday and special dinners, we do put food in serving dishes as I set the table with my good china, silver, etc. But everyone in the household helps set the table, put the food in bowls, etc.
 
#18 ·
Well, let's summarize, shall we?

This is the complete douche bag whose addicted to his childish online war game and spends ZERO time with his wife and family and is verbally abusive to you ALL - to the point where your kid is crying and asking why daddy is so mean and doesn't want to spend time with him.

But that's apparently ok with you because the alternative would be getting a job and providing a healthier atmosphere for your kids to grow up in, instead of continuing to stay with this bully and subjecting them to his daily abuse.

To add to the fun, you recently found out this shining example of humanity has been hiding his meth pipe under the bathroom sink.

I suppose I should be surprised that the abusive POS even bothers to 'grace' you with his presence at the table because that's precious time away from locking himself in the bathroom (probably to smoke his meth) while chatting with his so-called 'friends' in his game. You must feel SO honored. Why you should be at ALL surprised that this ass-wipe expects you to do everything but chew his food FOR him is a mystery to me.

Another one. Us ladies know how tired our husband get from working.
Give me a friggen break. Lots of women work TOO and we aren't given the luxury of laying down after work and having someone hand us our clothes and cook dinner for us and clean our houses for us while we play video games. Most of us have to come home from work AND cook dinner AND do everything else on top of it. Forgive me if I can't shed a tear for this clown because he's oh so tired from his "'career" at Best Buy (or whatever retail chain he works at).

I can't believe you're surprised at anything he does.
 
#21 ·
Well, let's summarize, shall we?

This is the complete douche bag whose addicted to his childish online war game and spends ZERO time with his wife and family and is verbally abusive to you ALL - to the point where your kid is crying and asking why daddy is so mean and doesn't want to spend time with him.

But that's apparently ok with you because the alternative would be getting a job and providing a healthier atmosphere for your kids to grow up in, instead of continuing to stay with this bully and subjecting them to his daily abuse.

To add to the fun, you recently found out this shining example of humanity has been hiding his meth pipe under the bathroom sink.

I suppose I should be surprised that the abusive POS even bothers to 'grace' you with his presence at the table because that's precious time away from locking himself in the bathroom (probably to smoke his meth) while chatting with his so-called 'friends' in his game. You must feel SO honored. Why you should be at ALL surprised that this ass-wipe expects you to do everything but chew his food FOR him is a mystery to me.

Give me a friggen break. Lots of women work TOO and we aren't given the luxury of laying down after work and having someone hand us our clothes and cook dinner for us and clean our houses for us while we play video games. Most of us have to come home from work AND cook dinner AND do everything else on top of it. Forgive me if I can't shed a tear for this clown because he's oh so tired from his "'career" at Best Buy (or whatever retail chain he works at).

I can't believe you're surprised at anything he does.
But her preys before his meal so that makes up for being a misogynistic, abusive, meth head.
 
#20 ·
To your op, yes my w prepares and dishes up all meals. In fact tonight, we had company (her friends) and I reached to make a plate but she handed one to me completely dished up. I am terrible with laundry. And for some reason I often remove one sock at night (maybe to regulate temperature) so she'll find single socks all the time.

The difference is that I don't expect any of this but she likes to take care of the family.

I do plenty of other things.

Now, if I demanded it.... well I can't even imagine that.


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#25 ·
Another one. Us ladies know how tired our husband get from working. Well, every time my hubby gets home from work, I would give him his change of clothes. I'd tell him to change because he works at a retail store so his uniform is pretty dusty and dirty. Well every time he changes, he has a habit of not putting his dirty clothes (not just his uniform) straight to the laundry bin. He would just leave it where he's at. Do you do the same? Why?
You have had a job before, were you so tired after work that you had to have someone get you a change of cloths?

Do not buy into this ridiculous claim of his that he is so tired after work that you have to get him a change of clothing, you have to serve him dinner. And then he is so tired that he has no time for you or your children. Instead all he can do is play games on his phone.

Guess what? sitting around playing games on the phone or computer are enough to exhaust a person. It is unhealthy, it will make him physically weak to sit around just looking at that tiny screen all the time. If he was more active physically, he would be less tired.
 
#27 ·
This is a perfect example of... you teach people how you want to be treated. Your husband wants to be treated a certain way, you need to decide that this is or is not acceptable.

Next time he tells you to serve him, tell him no. You just made the food and his arms aren't broke.
 
#28 ·
It's just him and a mindset (maybe its upbringing or a personal choice to try to control). Us guys are all different you see. When I was married I used to often pick up shopping after I got off the bus on the way home and then cook and clean up. Now I'm single again (divorced long ago) I work full-time and do all the domestic stuff and keep the house nice and clean so its easy for me and my son who stays with me half the time.

Maybe you could try talking to him about a few of the little things and see if he empathises or instead tries to bully you and take it from there. An old friend of mine married a few years back, he bragged to my brother that he never lifts a finger around the house. He didn't realise we found that evidence that he's a rude prick who doesn't care about other peoples' feelings which is true and he doesn't like that brought to his attention. We don't talk to him anymore to be honest.
 
#36 ·
It's just him and a mindset (maybe its upbringing or a personal choice to try to control). Us guys are all different you see. When I was married I used to often pick up shopping after I got off the bus on the way home and then cook and clean up. Now I'm single again (divorced long ago) I work full-time and do all the domestic stuff and keep the house nice and clean so its easy for me and my son who stays with me half the time.



Maybe you could try talking to him about a few of the little things and see if he empathises or instead tries to bully you and take it from there. An old friend of mine married a few years back, he bragged to my brother that he never lifts a finger around the house. He didn't realise we found that evidence that he's a rude prick who doesn't care about other peoples' feelings which is true and he doesn't like that brought to his attention. We don't talk to him anymore to be honest.


I like to pretend I do nothing at all to irritate my very controlling brother. My w plays along. It's kind of fun TBH - I play the clueless "old school man" and my w waits on me. It's a hoot and really gets under some people's skin

I figure it's my relationship anyway


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#29 ·
Hi guys.

I'm married to my hubby for 7 seven years now. I noticed a lot of things after our 1st year of married life.

After I cook dinner, I'd bring the dish on the table. We would pray. Then I'd grab my food and put it on my plate. Hubby on the other hand, just looks at me. I'd tell him "let's eat!" He would then asks me to put rice (we are Filipino so we eat a lot of rice. I know it's carbs. Lol) on his plate and the food I just cooked. Okay, no problem, sure. Then I noticed that he would expect me to serve him his food every single time. Is it just me or did I not just make you food, why can't you grab it yourself and place it on your plate? I don't get it. I mean, I cooked for him. Foods ready, table is ready. Do I have to feed you too? Do you guys do that too?

Another one. Us ladies know how tired our husband get from working. Well, every time my hubby gets home from work, I would give him his change of clothes. I'd tell him to change because he works at a retail store so his uniform is pretty dusty and dirty. Well every time he changes, he has a habit of not putting his dirty clothes (not just his uniform) straight to the laundry bin. He would just leave it where he's at. Do you do the same? Why?

[emoji177]MamaxP
First, I think to a large extend this is a cultural artifact. I have noticed this in asian, easter, middle eastern, and Mediterranean cultures (I myself am of Mediterranean descent and have friends from the aforementioned cultures). Second, this is partly due to social norms and gender dynamics -- his expectations may also have been set by the dynamics in his family. Finally, this may be due to personality traits (he is the kind who views his woman either as (a) somewhat of a mother figure, or (b) subservient to him, or (c) both). In this case, your personalities seem to mismatch. At any rate, this isn't something to divorce your husband over. Simply talk to him about it (although I won't be surprised if he reacts defensively or even aggressively).

In my case, it is a combination of a few things: culture, gender dynamics, personality. I don't have to ask my wife to serve me food -- she just does it and enjoys it. By nature she is more of a mother with a very mellow temperament. My personality is more dominant and stern. My mother is the complete opposite, and I have never observed this between my mother and father.

In short, no, not all men do it (and not all women submit to it). Just talk to your husband if it makes you uncomfortable. If you simply don't care, then you could give in to his demands. He might even show his appreciation in some pleasant ways :)

As far as leaving dirty close around: no, I don't do that. My wife and I both prefer order and I appreciate everything she does around the house - I don't need to create more work for her.
 
#32 ·
Both my father and fil were served like this by my mother and mil, in America and France, respectively.
 
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