This is the saddest day of my life. Today I woke up and realized I needed to separate from my wife. We are two people who have stood at each others' side for ten years and given each other 2 wonderful children. We are good friends. We never fight. We are conflict avoidant.
Over the years, things like sexual frequency and family visits became increasingly troublesome but like good soldiers we swept it under the rug.
I woke up about three years ago and knew something was wrong. We tried MC but it didn't really help. However, my IC has helped me tremendously. It is very painful but I'm growing and trying hard to become the new me every day.
This morning I just woke up and realized we haven't ever been emotionally married. It's not her, it's not me, it's us. We built our whole world together as married single people. We cheered each other on thinking that we were bringing each other happiness when in reality we were just drifting apart.
I have grown tremendously and it has helped the marriage a little. My wife seems aware of me for the first time, that I have wants/needs too. The trouble is, she has outright said that she is content with her life, that it is "easy", and that she doesn't dream to become greater, but rather is content to live a menial life doing grunt work and being happy.
Today I just woke up and realized my kids are learning that a marriage is to avoid each other. To take separate trips and vacations and eat at different times. To be married is to be disconnected.
And regardless of anything she's done, I will be destroying the lives that my loved ones are used to. I feel so guilty. I genuinely did not understand that my behavior during the marriage was so poor. I tried hard to be a good dad and good husband and never raised my voice. I tried to be the perfect mate and instead I was completely selfish. My wife does own a part of this, but even were she perfect, my lack of relationship maturity would have eventually killed the marriage.
I do not want this hell for my children. I love my wife so much. I feel like I'm on a boat getting ready to disembark, and she is on the dock staring at me sadly. This is the worst feeling of my life.
Funny thing is, the last couple weeks as I've been arriving at this conclusion, my wife is finally communicating with me. She has told me that she realizes she is a very unemotional person, and the more effort I put in trying to bring smiles and laughter, the more she felt obligated to withdraw and become serious. There are apparently people that don't like to laugh! It's funny the things it takes a decade to learn about.
She says she understands that I need to go. She tells me she loves me and that I'm the best man she's ever met. She tells me she hopes I will come back some day. She tells me I'm the best and that she could learn a lot from me.
Maybe a separation will bring us together if we realize what we are missing. But, it probably won't. This is goodbye. It sucks.
Your kids will respond and react, according to how you and your spouse react to the separation.
Hold your sh!t together when you tell them. If YOU act like the bottom has just fallen out of your world, then they will respond in kind.
Half of the children born to married couples grow up as part of unmarried couples. Ideal? No. But neither must it mean that you are damning your children to a life of misery.
Acknowledge their sadness ... do not feed it. And take care of yourself.
This is the saddest day of my life. Today I woke up and realized I needed to separate from my wife. We are two people who have stood at each others' side for ten years and given each other 2 wonderful children. We are good friends. We never fight. We are conflict avoidant.
Over the years, things like sexual frequency and family visits became increasingly troublesome but like good soldiers we swept it under the rug.
I woke up about three years ago and knew something was wrong. We tried MC but it didn't really help. However, my IC has helped me tremendously. It is very painful but I'm growing and trying hard to become the new me every day.
This morning I just woke up and realized we haven't ever been emotionally married. It's not her, it's not me, it's us. We built our whole world together as married single people. We cheered each other on thinking that we were bringing each other happiness when in reality we were just drifting apart.
I have grown tremendously and it has helped the marriage a little. My wife seems aware of me for the first time, that I have wants/needs too. The trouble is, she has outright said that she is content with her life, that it is "easy", and that she doesn't dream to become greater, but rather is content to live a menial life doing grunt work and being happy.
Today I just woke up and realized my kids are learning that a marriage is to avoid each other. To take separate trips and vacations and eat at different times. To be married is to be disconnected.
And regardless of anything she's done, I will be destroying the lives that my loved ones are used to. I feel so guilty. I genuinely did not understand that my behavior during the marriage was so poor. I tried hard to be a good dad and good husband and never raised my voice. I tried to be the perfect mate and instead I was completely selfish. My wife does own a part of this, but even were she perfect, my lack of relationship maturity would have eventually killed the marriage.
I do not want this hell for my children. I love my wife so much. I feel like I'm on a boat getting ready to disembark, and she is on the dock staring at me sadly. This is the worst feeling of my life.
Funny thing is, the last couple weeks as I've been arriving at this conclusion, my wife is finally communicating with me. She has told me that she realizes she is a very unemotional person, and the more effort I put in trying to bring smiles and laughter, the more she felt obligated to withdraw and become serious. There are apparently people that don't like to laugh! It's funny the things it takes a decade to learn about.
She says she understands that I need to go. She tells me she loves me and that I'm the best man she's ever met. She tells me she hopes I will come back some day. She tells me I'm the best and that she could learn a lot from me.
Maybe a separation will bring us together if we realize what we are missing. But, it probably won't. This is goodbye. It sucks.
Acorn,
I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you find peace in the midst of all this.
I was beginning to accept that divorce was inevitable, but my wife started a completely different type of medication treatment for her bipolar depression. Like a switch, if feels like she is now a completely different woman. Maybe aliens took the real wife? But she is no longer the person who does not enjoy laughing, or small talk, or saying anything positive at all. For now, I'm just watching.
I can only hope that the separation will help your wife see the need to seek help, in whatever form, to want to grow closer emotionally.
Just know that only a very small part of seperated couples continue with the marriage. I read 10%. My 3 month seperation just ended yesterday and we will now be moving to divorce.
I keep wanting to think if I wait, if I hang on...
I just don't get it. I ask her to go away for a weekend with me. Too busy. I ask her to open up emotionally. Too hard. I tell her that I need some time away... she tells me "We will get through this" and that she fully supports me. ????
I told her that my IC had taught me that we were both caterpillars that had been that way too long because we didn't know any better, and becoming butterflies was waiting for us just around the corner if we could grow together... she said, the world needs caterpillars.
Hailen - I am so happy to hear about your wife. I hope things continue to get better for you. My wife believes she is happy as is and will not pursue anything like that unfortunately.
This is me - Sorry to hear of your divorce. Did your separation help with anything at all or was it just waiting for the inevitable?
I feel your pain.
I know what you mean when you say that you just co-exist together.
The interaction between you is so important. If you are always the one trying it will and I am sure has become very frustrating. Now that you are changing and learning more about yourself as a person you would think that would encourage her to look within herself and want to change as well. Emotional connection is so important in any relationship. Otherwise its like living with a roommate and not a spouse.
How old are your kids? I am sure if they are old enough they can sense that something is not right between you. Even if you think they will be hurt by you separating for a little while they will be more unhappy knowing that you are staying together when you really need to work things out and take the time away you may both need to work things out in your head. As they say we only get 1 life to live and we shouldn't waste any of it being unhappy and unfulfilled. Posted via Mobile Device
My wife grew up in a home with 3 brothers. At the time, her dad was a traveling salesmen... he would be home for a few days and then travel for a few days. From what I understand, he made life difficult for her brothers but he always backed off her, presumedly because she was a girl.
My kids are in elementary school. My oldest definitely knows something is wrong. He is my primary motivation for wanting to take action.
I always figured that, if my marriage broke up, there would be hatred or yelling or something. We still speak pleasantly and make small talk and I still try to make her smile. But there are so many "off limits" topics at this point in our marriage, topics that trigger the walls and barriers, that there is very little left. It is hard to be married to someone who says, "I know you would like more (sex, alone time, companionship, emotional connection, whatever), so if there is someone out there better for you maybe I'm just not the right girl for you."
i can see our journey heading the same direction (my wife and I), after several very serious conversations in the past three years including talk of seperation, i feel its only a matter of time. she simply cannot resolve her issues, and she cannot tell me what i need to do to meet her halfway. its frustrating
She idolizes her father and brothers. I don't know that she outright avoids men but now that I think about it, she does steer away from careers, activities, and such that would be male dominated. She prefers to hang with other moms or family.
She blames herself for everything all the time. "I guess I can't even do that right" is a regular phrase of hers.
Apparently her dad was very hard on his boys and she would on occasion fight physically with her brothers.
3Likes
Separation - very sad 
