Hi there. I'm here as a guy who needs some help with a sahw/m. I am 32, she is 38. When we got together, I had just lost my job and she carried us till I got a job and she lost hers 3 years ago due to no fault of her own.
When we got together, we partied, alot. Not really drinking, but psychedelics for me and psychedelics + pot for her. Every weekend it seemed we were out at a party and ended up venturing into the Lifestyle, going to swinger clubs and swinger house parties every weekend. Really, we both enjoyed it and didn't have any jealousy issues or arguments at all. Our communication was excellent and we stuck by each other through thick and thin. We experimented, found what we liked, and stuck to it.
Well, we got out of that honeymoon phase and have moved on to being more serious. We talked about children and decided to have two. A year after we stopped partying, we had our first child and he is awesome. He loves to laugh and is incredibly expressive at 6 months old.
When we first got together, she was smoking pot every day. Not alot of responsibilities, I didn't think much into it. Then I find out it took her 6 years and 3 colleges to get a bachelors degree in psychology. And she was still smoking pot everyday, for probably the last 10-15 years, well before I knew her.
I am now/still the sole breadwinner of the house and our marriage is on the rocks. We don't partake in the Lifestyle any more and I'm being responsible in providing for our family. She still smokes pot every day. Not stoned where she can't do anything, but she uses it to cope with daily life and I think that means she is abusing it.
By easy going, I mean that there are very few needs that I have. Dinner before 9pm would be nice (i get home at 5:45pm), not waking me up at 2am so she can put away clothes in the bedroom would be nice, cleaning the house, doing dishes, you know, basic wife stuff that I did while she worked and I was at home. But she doesn't. And I'm too demanding.
She has an easy life. She goes to bed between 1am and 3am most nights, doesn't get up until sometimes noon or 1pm. Does laundry maybe once a week. Doesn't really make dinner, just throws still-frozen chicken in the crockpot (sometimes she can't even get that done until 4pm). She goes to the gym when I get home 4-5 days a week and usually once every 2-3 weeks she has a girls night where she goes out dancing w/ friends until 2-4am. I ask for more from her around the house and she says I don't understand just how busy she is. But I can work 9-10 hrs a day, do the dishes, watch our son, make dinner, do THOSE dishes, and ensure we have enough time to talk at night.
Am I wrong to think she is absolutely lazy?
Last week we got into a pretty big fight because she refuses to listen to what I say. I told her the truck needs gas and she ignored me twice in two weeks. The result was her running out of gas and blaming me for not being more direct (other than "You NEED to get gas before you come home from the gym"). She yelled at me and threw the keys at me as she refused to get gas. I got us into counseling, but after our argument last night because she wanted a different pillowcase at 1am and wanted to count diapers in our bed with the overhead lights on, she now says she won't go to counseling.
I know I'm not crazy. Well, maybe I am for putting up with it. Thing is, all her behavior changed after the baby, as if she now has an excuse to be #@$#@$% lazy. I want her to do more, but every talk I have with her she yells at me, interrupting me with almost every sentence about how horrible of a partner she is, how horrible of a wife she is, how horrible of a person she is, and how horrible of a mother she is. I really hate this as it is backtracking on the real subject.
I'm trying hard to have a good life, good family, and great son. But I need help and she just isn't giving it to me. I'm still seeing the counselor this week and will bring up her drug use, incredibly late hours, and overall refusal to be a responsible adult.
She sounds like a pot smoking parasite to me. It’s best to believe what you see is what you get and you will never ever change her and make your life changing decisions from that baseline. Your number one considerations are your son and yourself. I think you’d be a fool to have any more children with her. She very much more than likely has a mental disorder, probably genetically susceptible and magnified by the pot.
Who is looking after the baby in the mornings if she isn't getting up until 12 or 1pm? Surely the baby does not sleep until that time every day? Is the baby at nursery or in some kind of childcare whilst she's sleeping all morning? Are you going to work knowing the baby will be awake and she is asleep because you seriously need to address that NOW. Not tomorrow but NOW. Posted via Mobile Device
I have three daughters, grown now but I still remember...they don't wait until noon or 1 pm to need attention. Normally between 6 and 8am a child will wake up and need to be changed, fed and held. If your wife is not getting up until noon she is putting that child in danger. It's not a good situation and you need to address that part of it immediately.
Ok well if you are the one that just does it all while she smokes pot and is lazy, then decide what you really want. Is this the life you want? If not, give her an ultimatum, stick to it. If you don't then she will think you are not serious and she will keep on. Set some boundaries. Tell her you would like for the both of you to get into some counseling. Let her know up front how serious things are. If shes not willing to meet you half way, then present her with separation papers.
I'm disabled with a neck injury(2 herniated discs and permanent spinal cord damage from another disc they took out). I'm able to clean the house, but I know my limitations. It takes me all day to clean due to resting most the day. I'm able to get a small bike ride in as well. I also cook breakfast and dinner and dinner is done between 5/5:30 depending when hubby gets home. If I can't cook due to the pain hubby will pick up a subway or a broasted cooked chicken from the grocery store. Sometimes it's tough getting the kids off to school when they are tired, like this morning. I hate a messy house!(when my house is messy, I don't care about other people's houses)
I still disagree with the pot big time, but you did marry her knowing she likes it. Posted via Mobile Device
Ok, so I live in a medicinal marijuana state, I work in the industry, and my husband has a prescription.
You are absolutely right that what she is doing is not ok for a SAHM, it's time to get it together. I know many long term/ daily users who still take care of business, she needs to look at homecare as a business. That's what works for me
However, to me it sounds like she may be self medicating a combo of Post Partum Depression and just regular depression. Have you brought that up? Either way its a good idea to have her talk to a counselor and kinda get to the root of the inability to run a house.
But yeah. I stay at home, my husband works later hours and I still can't fathom having a 6 month old and sleeping in till noon. Can't remember the last time I did since giving birth honestly. Posted via Mobile Device
My son wakes around 7am and she feeds him and changes his diaper then. He co-sleeps with us so it isn't as though she has to go to another room to feed him.
She tells me that sometimes she get's up at 9am to start getting things done. Still, 9am...sometimes...
I told her last night that if she is so incredibly busy with one infant who can't even walk yet but still can't accomplish daily cleaning et al, there is absolutely NO way she can handle having another newborn nursing while chasing around a toddler who wants to eat everything. I have serious concerns about her ability to parent another child given her actions and inactions.
She has to try, bottom line. No more skating through life. It is going to be hard to get her to give up weed, but I have to try. I don't have a personal hatred or disgust to it, but that is something college kids do to experiment, not something almost 40 year old mom's do. She needs to grow up emotionally.
I also confronted her about the statement she made about me being too demanding. She said not physically demanding, but emotionally. She said she can't fulfill my affection needs (and not just sex). I told her that we DON'T cuddle on the couch, we DON'T hold hands when we go out, we DON'T snuggle in bed, we DON'T go to bed together, we DON'T pinch/squeeze/flirt, we DON'T have flirty nicknames, we DON'T always have dinner together, we DON'T wake up together, we DON'T lay on a couch together. We hardly give each other ANY affection.
I told her that if she thinks she gives way too much affection, she obviously has no idea how to give affection and I'm not going to be in a marriage just so she can sleep all day and not do anything else.
She said she can't fulfill my needs and I asked her what she thought my needs were. She said to give affection, sew clothes, do things for you without arguing, and bedroom activities. Then she said I ask her to do things and she doesn't know how. Then she says I could do things to help her, such as being more thoughtful like getting up earlier to run to the store to get more diapers.
I'm sorry...I told her you stated that you have no idea how to make me happy, but then start giving me things to do to make you happy? Uh, no.
Then she said she doesn't like my inquisitive tone. Well, too bad. I'm not trying to be all nice and caring. I tried that. Didn't work.
She still doesn't know if she is going to the counselor w/ me on Thursday. If she doesn't, I'll be going myself and bring up the drug use plus everything I wrote down that she said last night.
I did bring up depression and post partum. She emphatically stated she wasn't depressed. Either way, we are stopping illegal drug use. Last week we got in an argument and said she just needs to go to a friends house to smoke weed. No, I told her. That is not going to help anything. You run away and get high. Bad day, you get high. 5pm, you get high. Need to relax, get high. I'm done with weed in my house and her smoking it.
There was a time about a year ago when we just couldn't afford it. After about a week or so of her not smoking, she could remember her dreams, she got more done, etc. I bring it up now, and she denies it. No, sorry. She is making excuses.
She has a strong family that I'm thinking about talking to. Her brother is getting his PhD, her sister is already a Dr and raised 2 kids while in medical school with a SATD, and her other brother is an actor. And her mother is an accomplished fitness instructor. She has the ability, but is wasting it away.
I would be concerned about your child being left in her care while shes smoking weed.
Back in the day when I smoked weed, I got a hold of some bad stuff. Some might say it was "good stuff" for me it was bad. It was apparently laced with another substance and I started wigging out bad! Doing crazy things that I wouldn't normally do with "regular pot". That was actually the last time I smoked any.
She doesn't know what she may get a hold of. Just because what she usually smokes might be ok, doesn't means he might not get some that is laced with some thing else, and then there she is with your child in her care. I would be very interested in hearing what the counselor has to say once he learns there is a child in her care and shes high.
I budget a certain amount of money for her, a certain amount for our son, and a certain amount for me. She can buy clothes with her money, do what needs to be done. It isn't alot, but I'm managing the finances so we can pay our bills, pay down on our small remaining amount of debt (a few hundred), invest in 401k and investment club, have insurance, and we each get a small amount to enjoy life with.
Even if she goes with me, I'm going to bring up the drug use. Time to be an adult and be responsible.
Running the home like a business is a great analogy, thank you. I will attempt to have her realize this.
She tells me that she stays up so late because our son stays up so late (1-3am). But I'm willing to bet that if she got up so early and made him wake up earlier, she would see that he would go to bed earlier, allowing her to go to bed at a time that a responsible person see's as normal.