I agree with the idea that a good marriage is a process. We don't just find our soulmate and ride off into the sunset. It does take both spouses wanting to bring out the best in each other.
WTF? Why is all about her needs all the time? A marriage is supposed to be 50/50, many of us here gave our wives no serious reasons for complaints, spent 20+ years giving them everything they wanted within our means. The reward for this? they hit about 40 and have an affair with some guy they met on Facebook with two or three broken marriages behind him.
Many of these women are going through a mid life crisis that has nothing to do with hubby. A statement of "I'm not happy" the day they leave after a couple of weeks of odd behavior they won't explain when asked is about all the warning some of us get. So I call bull on this one.
But don't you understand that RDJ always blames it on the man.....
Some very good points and certainly do see where there are many who can learn from the post, but RDJ has a way of externalizing what happened in his marriage and claiming it as the norm.
When a couple reaches stage three, real magic happens. They start a virtuous cycle that feeds off of itself and becomes stronger and stronger over time. The more that he becomes confident in offering the gifts of his love and strength, the more she opens up to accept them fully. The more time they spend together, the more fun they have. The more often they make love, the deeper and more satisfying it becomes for both of them. They settle into to the kind of loving and trusting relationship that God intended for all people. She completely trusts his masculinity and loves him for it. He completely adores her femininity and loves her for it.
Again, the man takes the lead. If his wife cannot commit to changing herself once he does so, if she is beyond putting the effort into a mutually happy stage three marriage. Let her go, and find yourself a woman that appreciates you for the man you are.
Awesome, RDJ!
Being there for each other, inspiring each other ... nothing short of wonderful.
And while a man should take the lead in his own life and his marriage and inspire his wife, a wife should also take responsibility for her own life and her part in the marriage and support and inspire her husband.
I like when Martin Luther said: "Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
I think that having a man that is worthy of her respect, worthy of her love, worthy of her support IS a wife's inspiration - it can pull her forward and upward and fill her up in so many ways. It is that way for me anyway.
Now I am not being negative, but I need to ask.... RDJ are you a family therapist or expert in the field? You have stated that you have "worked with many men in sexless marriages over the last # of years on this", and I thought you were just another shmuck like me spouting his mouth off on TAM....
What you say sounds exactly like the blueprint of your marriage. Congratulations that it is working, but not everyone is you (or mem11363 another example).
Again you have made the premise that it all falls on the husband to make things right and who screwed up in the first place.
I especially like where you state women will find another husband and all will be great. Isn't this a pattern that manifests itself over and over in all new relationships. From your OP, it will only be a matter of time before husband 2 screws up (unless of course no new kids and scads and money to live every dream). Funny how money too seems a central theme in happiness.
No I'm not a counselor. I post my experiences, my thoughts, and things I have learned from other men, a mens program, and a private forum that has changed many marriages.
Aside from my marriage I personally know couples that have made it to stage 3 and without exception it took over a decade or longer to get there. There are no shortcuts. You can't skip the earlier stages and go straight to the last one. It doesn't work that way. It's a process and one that must be earned.
And while a man should take the lead in his own life and his marriage and inspire his wife, a wife should also take responsibility for her own life and her part in the marriage and support and inspire her husband.
RDJ,
I find your posts to be constructive, positive and balanced.
Some of the posters here seem generally angry and inclined to lash out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RDJ
No I'm not a counselor. I post my experiences, my thoughts, and things I have learned from other men, a mens program, and a private forum that has changed many marriages.
This is my first post on this forum, so I'd like to give you a little backround. I'm in my second marriage to a woman who is a few yeas older than I. We knew each other when we were each still married to our exes. We worked together for several years and hardly even talked, yet after my divorce we became friends. She had a lot of issues with her marriage, and I was her shoulder to cry on. To be honest, my motives were somewhat less than truly honorable. We knew each other's secrets, and I had more than my share of skeletons. We fell in love and eventually she left her husband of 18 years to move in with me.
Things went well for a while, considering my problems with alcohol and porn. There were times when I was definitely not a nice guy, I did not treat her right. I expected her to perform in the bedroom the way the porn stars did. So YES we had problems and we were working on them.
I think the current problem began when I started working nights and weekends at a new job. It seemed like we had no private time together, no time for sex. I was getting up to go to work while she was getting ready for bed. I was home and awake during the day, and sometimes I'd wait for her to come home so she could "tuck me in".
Problem was, she almost never did.
Years went by with my pleading at times, to come to bed when she comes home, or come in to wake me a little early or whatever it takes for us to have a little personal time. It was like pulling teeth to get her into the bedroom, and that always left me angry rather than satisfied. I didn't get married and give up everything so I could hope to get lucky once in a while.
After quitting drinking, the porn and wanking just didn't do it for me anymore, and I started looking for a special friend. I found one in the rooms and began a year long affair. When I was found out, in 2008, I told my wife she was never there for me, when of course she was, but I never felt like she really wanted me, and that was MY problem.
Anyway, now we're still together, we are nearly sexless. I'm still not drinking, nor am I looking at porn or masturbating. I'm being treated for OCD and have meds that get me through the hard times. My wife forgives me, but she is still very damaged. She brings up the affair almost daily, an I can't even compliment her or treat her like a lady without her asking "did you say that to her, did you treat her that way?"
When I'm in a bad place, such as right now, I want to ask her if it would have killed her to "tuck me in" like I so many times asked her to do. I can't really say for sure if that would have prevented me from cheating, but my therapist seems to agree that when the drinking stopped and my mind cleared up, the sexual problems I was dealing with could have felt a lot worse, leaving me to feel I had no other choice.
Anyway a question like that would only bring in more fighting. I love her and want to make it work, but life is too short to fight everyday, and I think if she realized on her own that she had a part in what I did, she might get over it sooner.....
Your wife is only as b!tchy, angry, disrespectful, loveless, and sexless as YOU allow.
A question for the Oracle (that's you RDJ)
I agree that a lady cannot be b!tchy or disrespectful if there is not a guy around to be a target for the anger and aggression.
But how in the heck do you will your wife to love and and have sex with you regularly? I assume you aren't talking about rape or coercion, and you don't seem like the kind to issue an ultimatum like "have sex or move out" so then what?
Give one piece of advice that has a high likelihood of getting a refused husband sex from his wife in the next week, or that will cause a wife who is sex averse to suddenly do a 180 and worship at the altar of her husband's c*ck.
I am not going to speak for RDJ. But I will speak for myself on this point. If I bring my A game consistently - and at that point it is clear my W is not inclined to make the effort to have sex with me at a freqeuncy that I find acceptable, than I give her a choice. We can have some sort of open marriage, or we can part ways.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DTO
A question for the Oracle (that's you RDJ)
I agree that a lady cannot be b!tchy or disrespectful if there is not a guy around to be a target for the anger and aggression.
But how in the heck do you will your wife to love and and have sex with you regularly? I assume you aren't talking about rape or coercion, and you don't seem like the kind to issue an ultimatum like "have sex or move out" so then what?
Give one piece of advice that has a high likelihood of getting a refused husband sex from his wife in the next week, or that will cause a wife who is sex averse to suddenly do a 180 and worship at the altar of her husband's c*ck.
76Likes
Re: Is it always the man’s fault? 
All the blame cannot be placed on either gender.
)
