No, not always, (Yes, there are plenty of women that will never take care of their side of the street. If that’s truly the case and you have been and done all a good man can. Then simply let her go!) But in my opinion, it’s the man’s responsibility to inspire the best from a woman. It is his responsibility to bring out the best in his wife, spiritually, emotionally, and sexually.
Why doesn’t the woman have to take responsibility for her side of the marriage?
She does!
But in my opinion, in most cases, it’s the man that inspires her to want to. It’s the man that brings out the best or the worst in the marriage.
Seriously, how many men complain that their wife is incapable of having a mutually happy, sexual marriage? Yet after they divorce (sometimes before) she ends up with a man that she is all of these things with?
Did she all of a sudden change?
Yes she did. Why?
Because this man knew how to inspire her to be the entire woman she wanted to be, and always was.
Most likely the man that she b!tched at, complained too, held back on, and did everything she could to get him to listen, understand, and change. Never heard her, didn’t care, or thought he could do and be whatever he wanted. He did not need to change, he just married a b!tch!
I have worked with many men in sexless marriages over the last several years who thought their wife could not be loving, affectionate, or sexual (myself included). Most of who were wrong. A few of their women had to do so with another man. But many of these men learned to change themselves to change their wife (again, myself included).
You need to be a strong, masculine man (No wussies allowed). But you also best know how to understand a woman’s needs and how to fulfill them. When you do, she just might be sexually attracted to you again.
But in my opinion, it’s the man’s responsibility to inspire the best from a woman. It is his responsibility to bring out the best in his wife, spiritually, emotionally, and sexually.
My father used to teach me responsibility in this at least, he told me that once I'm grown up, that I can achieve whatever I wanted to, but what I have will come with responsibility. However, that the reverse is also true, to accept responsibility for your mistakes, will give you the power to change it.
No, not always, (Yes, there are plenty of women that will never take care of their side of the street. If that’s truly the case and you have been and done all a good man can. Then simply let her go!) But in my opinion, it’s the man’s responsibility to inspire the best from a woman. It is his responsibility to bring out the best in his wife, spiritually, emotionally, and sexually.
Why doesn’t the woman have to take responsibility for her side of the marriage?
She does!
But in my opinion, in most cases, it’s the man that inspires her to want to. It’s the man that brings out the best or the worst in the marriage.
Seriously, how many men complain that their wife is incapable of having a mutually happy, sexual marriage? Yet after they divorce (sometimes before) she ends up with a man that she is all of these things with?
Did she all of a sudden change?
Yes she did. Why?
Because this man knew how to inspire her to be the entire woman she wanted to be, and always was.
Most likely the man that she b!tched at, complained too, held back on, and did everything she could to get him to listen, understand, and change. Never heard her, didn’t care, or thought he could do and be whatever he wanted. He did not need to change, he just married a b!tch!
I have worked with many men in sexless marriages over the last several years who thought their wife could not be loving, affectionate, or sexual (myself included). Most of who were wrong. A few of their women had to do so with another man. But many of these men learned to change themselves to change their wife (again, myself included).
You need to be a strong, masculine man (No wussies allowed). But you also best know how to understand a woman’s needs and how to fulfill them. When you do, she just might be sexually attracted to you again.
Agree or disagree??
100 percent correct (at least in a functioning or potential functioning relationship*)
(The reality is, both the man and woman will inspire each other, but each in their own way.)
But as a man, and writing and giving advice to other men, it is IMPERATIVE that your points are understood to the letter.
Any man sitting back, waiting for his woman to (fill in the blank), is by default falling into a mother/child mentality, and we should all know by now what that will do to kill respect AND sexual attraction WITHOUT FAIL.
*Of course the disclaimer, bad behavior is bad behavior, and if a woman is prone to being a cheater, or a liar, or any number of other grievous behaviors that have irreparably harmed the marriage, then it is the cold reality that she should own the consequences to her behavior. And as you said in your OP, "just let her go" is appropriate indeed.
another take on this might be in a new relationship theres the newness stage where the woman tries harder to catch the man and then when hes caught or after the honeymoon stage wheres off the real women emerges.
another take on this might be in a new relationship theres the newness stage where the woman tries harder to catch the man and then when hes caught or after the honeymoon stage wheres off the real women emerges.
I think this is true of both men and women...while you are dating it can often be "this is who I am not"...
No, not always, (Yes, there are plenty of women that will never take care of their side of the street. If that’s truly the case and you have been and done all a good man can. Then simply let her go!) But in my opinion, it’s the man’s responsibility to inspire the best from a woman. It is his responsibility to bring out the best in his wife, spiritually, emotionally, and sexually.
Why doesn’t the woman have to take responsibility for her side of the marriage?
She does!
But in my opinion, in most cases, it’s the man that inspires her to want to. It’s the man that brings out the best or the worst in the marriage.
Seriously, how many men complain that their wife is incapable of having a mutually happy, sexual marriage? Yet after they divorce (sometimes before) she ends up with a man that she is all of these things with?
Did she all of a sudden change?
Yes she did. Why?
Because this man knew how to inspire her to be the entire woman she wanted to be, and always was.
Most likely the man that she b!tched at, complained too, held back on, and did everything she could to get him to listen, understand, and change. Never heard her, didn’t care, or thought he could do and be whatever he wanted. He did not need to change, he just married a b!tch!
I have worked with many men in sexless marriages over the last several years who thought their wife could not be loving, affectionate, or sexual (myself included). Most of who were wrong. A few of their women had to do so with another man. But many of these men learned to change themselves to change their wife (again, myself included).
You need to be a strong, masculine man (No wussies allowed). But you also best know how to understand a woman’s needs and how to fulfill them. When you do, she just might be sexually attracted to you again.
Agree or disagree??
WTF? Why is all about her needs all the time? A marriage is supposed to be 50/50, many of us here gave our wives no serious reasons for complaints, spent 20+ years giving them everything they wanted within our means. The reward for this? they hit about 40 and have an affair with some guy they met on Facebook with two or three broken marriages behind him.
Many of these women are going through a mid life crisis that has nothing to do with hubby. A statement of "I'm not happy" the day they leave after a couple of weeks of odd behavior they won't explain when asked is about all the warning some of us get. So I call bull on this one.
another take on this might be in a new relationship theres the newness stage where the woman tries harder to catch the man and then when hes caught or after the honeymoon stage wheres off the real women emerges.
and she will slip back to her old self.
Some truth to this, some women "morph" to the man's interests to snag him. My stbxw very quickly morphed to the OM's interests, like watching football and hanging out in sports bars. In 24 years she never watched sports on tv, often said it was a " Bunch of losers living their lives through TV', and hated going out to bars.
But in my opinion, in most cases, it’s the man that inspires her to want to. It’s the man that brings out the best or the worst in the marriage.
RDJ I agree with most of your post, but I disagree with you on this point. I have seen way too many marriages and have heard way too many stories about deplorable behavior by wives to unilaterally state that men bring out the worst in marriage.
I also think that stating men bring out the best in marriage shortchanges those women that work very hard to be the best wife they can be.
In my opinion, both spouses should be inspiring themselves primarily to be the best person they can be... and if they are doing that, they will inspire each other.
I have spent a lot of time talking to various men about the subject of a sexless marriage. For many of them, their frustration had grown to the point that they were ready to give up on the whole idea of marriage. These men had committed themselves to one person. When that person stopped meeting their needs, they were stuck. Their needs were not being met within the marriage, and to go outside the marriage would lead to all kinds of problems that they did not want to face such as divorce and a broken home for the children.
I have to admit, during times of struggle in my marriage, I sometimes slipped into that mind set as well. More than once I allowed myself to day dream about having an affair so that my sexual needs could be met without blowing my family apart. I’m sure my wife has had the same thoughts, in fact, I’m sure we all have. Thankfully for my marriage, I never followed through on this. I chose to take a different path.
I grew through three important stages of being a man in order to arrive at the happy place I am in today. I would like to share these insights with others who may be stuck on the same issues that I once had. Perhaps it will help some of you to find the way forward.
The first stage was the “Selfish Stage”. In this stage, we are primarily concerned with our own needs, and how to have those needs met. We spend our time and money however we choose. We pursue whatever we want to have in our life.
The primary concern of a man in this stage is to be free to indulge himself however he wants to, whenever he wants to. Anything that impedes this freedom is seen as threat and dealt with as such.
Most men can go along in this stage quite happily for a long time.
As long as they have money to buy the things they want, and women who are willing to meet his sexual needs, they are content.
I once saw a movie in which a couple is getting married. As the minister is completing the service he looks at the groom and says “I now sentence you to a life of servitude. Go forth and be miserable. Your freedom is over.” This was followed by a record scratching sound and the groom thinks to himself “My God, what have I done.”
To many men, marriage really does look like the end of freedom. All of a sudden they are NOT free to spend their time and money however they choose. Their wife may not agree that spending two hours a day at the gym is a good use of time. She might not agree that buying a 52 inch TV is the best use of your tax refund.
For most men, marriage is the beginning for the first stage in their growth. Being married forces them to rethink how they deal with the world. If they decide to have children, the process becomes greatly accelerated. Kids will limit their personal freedoms to an even larger extent. Many men respond to this by becoming either whiny, or demanding. They become selfish about their needs and this really turns their wife off. Many marriages fall into a sexless phase at this point simply because the man is acting like a child, and the woman does not want to have sex with a man-child.
It is sad, but also true, that many marriages suffer shortly after they enter the small kids phase. The reason for this is that many men will reach a point shortly after having kids where they feel neglected, unwanted, unsexed, and completely at the mercy of their wife. Often to a point that they feel trapped, and so limited by their life as a husband and father that they feel an overwhelming need to escape. They feel the need to break free from all the restrictions and get back to a state in which they are free to do whatever they want again.
Marriage is an engine for personal growth. Children are an even more powerful engine for personal growth. It is simply not possible for a man to be married with kids, and continue being a first stage male. You cannot have strong relationships with a wife and children, and still be free to do whatever you want. In order to be happy in the domestic life, you have to grow to stage two.
Stage two is what I like to call the “Diplomatic” stage of development. In this stage you have come to understand that it is not possible to maintain all of your personal freedoms within the marriage. Your wife has needs as well, and in order for the marriage to be healthy, you need to ensure that both of your needs are being met.
In stage two, often men stop demanding to have their own way, and instead start negotiating peaceful agreements with their wife. They make deals about who gets to go out, and who stays home with the kids. They make deals about how to spend their money. If I get my new TV, you can have the vacation to Hawaii that you want. Many couples will even negotiate sex. If you agree to have sex with me on Tuesdays and Saturdays, I will leave you alone on the other nights of the week.
Many married couples will grow into a second stage marriage and then stay there. They manage to find a balance that is acceptable to both of them, and they make it work. However, there are flaws in this system. It sounds good in theory, but there are problems that can arise.
The first possibility is that eventually the couple will be faced with an obstacle that they cannot negotiate in a mutually acceptable way. Perhaps something happens that makes it impossible for them to continue with agreed patterns. Each digs in their heels and the negotiated peace starts to fall apart. They are back in stage one again.
The other possibility is that one of them simply gets tired of being in a marriage that is so predictable and uninspired. They want spontaneity and excitement in their life again. This typically happens when the children are getting older and leaving home. A couple, who now have only each other for company, suddenly find that their marriage has been propped up by routines and schedules for so long that they do not know what to do with each other now.
Stage one marriages become sexless because someone (usually the man) becomes selfish about getting his own needs met and undermines the relationship with his needy and manipulative behavior. Stage two marriages become sexless because someone (usually the woman) decides that the marriage has lost all passion and excitement. It no longer inspires her to feel loved. They negotiated all of the passion out in favor of peaceful co-existence, and now she wants the passion back.
The only way for a marriage to be truly happy, exciting, passionate and fulfilling over the long haul is for the relationship to eventually grow again into stage three.
Stage three is what I call the “balanced” stage. In stage three, a man decides that it is perfectly OK to be a masculine man. He reignites his own masculinity and takes charge of his marriage relationship. He makes a conscious effort to build an exciting and romantic life for both himself and his wife. He does NOT do this out of a selfish desire to extract anything from his wife. He does this in order to give her the love and strength that she needs as a woman.
In stage three, a woman decides that it is perfectly OK to be a feminine woman. She chooses to trust her husband, and allow him to take the lead in building an exciting life for both of them. She opens her heart to him, and freely shares her body with him NOT because she wants to manipulate or control him. She does it because they have mutual love, honor, and respect for each other.
Stage three couples have mutual boundaries, freedoms, and do what is best for the marriage as a whole. They communicate, they understand each other’s needs and they allow each other the freedom to be who they are. They accept that all will never be perfect.
When a couple reaches stage three, real magic happens. They start a virtuous cycle that feeds off of itself and becomes stronger and stronger over time. The more that he becomes confident in offering the gifts of his love and strength, the more she opens up to accept them fully. The more time they spend together, the more fun they have. The more often they make love, the deeper and more satisfying it becomes for both of them. They settle into to the kind of loving and trusting relationship that God intended for all people. She completely trusts his masculinity and loves him for it. He completely adores her femininity and loves her for it.
Again, the man takes the lead. If his wife cannot commit to changing herself once he does so, if she is beyond putting the effort into a mutually happy stage three marriage. Let her go, and find yourself a woman that appreciates you for the man you are.
When a couple reaches stage three, real magic happens. They start a virtuous cycle that feeds off of itself and becomes stronger and stronger over time. The more that he becomes confident in offering the gifts of his love and strength, the more she opens up to accept them fully. The more time they spend together, the more fun they have. The more often they make love, the deeper and more satisfying it becomes for both of them. They settle into to the kind of loving and trusting relationship that God intended for all people. She completely trusts his masculinity and loves him for it. He completely adores her femininity and loves her for it.
Again, the man takes the lead. If his wife cannot commit to changing herself once he does so, if she is beyond putting the effort into a mutually happy stage three marriage. Let her go, and find yourself a woman that appreciates you for the man you are.
RDJ,
I don't think this can be said better.
It's extraordinarily sad that child abuse creates a group of people that have so much difficulty in the transition to stage 3.
They have everything to gain - and nothing to lose - if they simply concentrate on letting go of their anger.
Story after story on this board indicates that hill is too tall for many to climb. Yet, the special ones will - and do.
Now I am not being negative, but I need to ask.... RDJ are you a family therapist or expert in the field? You have stated that you have "worked with many men in sexless marriages over the last # of years on this", and I thought you were just another shmuck like me spouting his mouth off on TAM....
What you say sounds exactly like the blueprint of your marriage. Congratulations that it is working, but not everyone is you (or mem11363 another example).
Again you have made the premise that it all falls on the husband to make things right and who screwed up in the first place.
I especially like where you state women will find another husband and all will be great. Isn't this a pattern that manifests itself over and over in all new relationships. From your OP, it will only be a matter of time before husband 2 screws up (unless of course no new kids and scads and money to live every dream). Funny how money too seems a central theme in happiness.
I have spent a lot of time talking to various men about the subject of a sexless marriage. For many of them, their frustration had grown to the point that they were ready to give up on the whole idea of marriage. These men had committed themselves to one person. When that person stopped meeting their needs, they were stuck. Their needs were not being met within the marriage, and to go outside the marriage would lead to all kinds of problems that they did not want to face such as divorce and a broken home for the children.
I have to admit, during times of struggle in my marriage, I sometimes slipped into that mind set as well. More than once I allowed myself to day dream about having an affair so that my sexual needs could be met without blowing my family apart. I’m sure my wife has had the same thoughts, in fact, I’m sure we all have. Thankfully for my marriage, I never followed through on this. I chose to take a different path.
I grew through three important stages of being a man in order to arrive at the happy place I am in today. I would like to share these insights with others who may be stuck on the same issues that I once had. Perhaps it will help some of you to find the way forward.
The first stage was the “Selfish Stage”. In this stage, we are primarily concerned with our own needs, and how to have those needs met. We spend our time and money however we choose. We pursue whatever we want to have in our life.
The primary concern of a man in this stage is to be free to indulge himself however he wants to, whenever he wants to. Anything that impedes this freedom is seen as threat and dealt with as such.
Most men can go along in this stage quite happily for a long time.
As long as they have money to buy the things they want, and women who are willing to meet his sexual needs, they are content.
I once saw a movie in which a couple is getting married. As the minister is completing the service he looks at the groom and says “I now sentence you to a life of servitude. Go forth and be miserable. Your freedom is over.” This was followed by a record scratching sound and the groom thinks to himself “My God, what have I done.”
To many men, marriage really does look like the end of freedom. All of a sudden they are NOT free to spend their time and money however they choose. Their wife may not agree that spending two hours a day at the gym is a good use of time. She might not agree that buying a 52 inch TV is the best use of your tax refund.
For most men, marriage is the beginning for the first stage in their growth. Being married forces them to rethink how they deal with the world. If they decide to have children, the process becomes greatly accelerated. Kids will limit their personal freedoms to an even larger extent. Many men respond to this by becoming either whiny, or demanding. They become selfish about their needs and this really turns their wife off. Many marriages fall into a sexless phase at this point simply because the man is acting like a child, and the woman does not want to have sex with a man-child.
It is sad, but also true, that many marriages suffer shortly after they enter the small kids phase. The reason for this is that many men will reach a point shortly after having kids where they feel neglected, unwanted, unsexed, and completely at the mercy of their wife. Often to a point that they feel trapped, and so limited by their life as a husband and father that they feel an overwhelming need to escape. They feel the need to break free from all the restrictions and get back to a state in which they are free to do whatever they want again.
Marriage is an engine for personal growth. Children are an even more powerful engine for personal growth. It is simply not possible for a man to be married with kids, and continue being a first stage male. You cannot have strong relationships with a wife and children, and still be free to do whatever you want. In order to be happy in the domestic life, you have to grow to stage two.
Stage two is what I like to call the “Diplomatic” stage of development. In this stage you have come to understand that it is not possible to maintain all of your personal freedoms within the marriage. Your wife has needs as well, and in order for the marriage to be healthy, you need to ensure that both of your needs are being met.
In stage two, often men stop demanding to have their own way, and instead start negotiating peaceful agreements with their wife. They make deals about who gets to go out, and who stays home with the kids. They make deals about how to spend their money. If I get my new TV, you can have the vacation to Hawaii that you want. Many couples will even negotiate sex. If you agree to have sex with me on Tuesdays and Saturdays, I will leave you alone on the other nights of the week.
Many married couples will grow into a second stage marriage and then stay there. They manage to find a balance that is acceptable to both of them, and they make it work. However, there are flaws in this system. It sounds good in theory, but there are problems that can arise.
The first possibility is that eventually the couple will be faced with an obstacle that they cannot negotiate in a mutually acceptable way. Perhaps something happens that makes it impossible for them to continue with agreed patterns. Each digs in their heels and the negotiated peace starts to fall apart. They are back in stage one again.
The other possibility is that one of them simply gets tired of being in a marriage that is so predictable and uninspired. They want spontaneity and excitement in their life again. This typically happens when the children are getting older and leaving home. A couple, who now have only each other for company, suddenly find that their marriage has been propped up by routines and schedules for so long that they do not know what to do with each other now.
Stage one marriages become sexless because someone (usually the man) becomes selfish about getting his own needs met and undermines the relationship with his needy and manipulative behavior. Stage two marriages become sexless because someone (usually the woman) decides that the marriage has lost all passion and excitement. It no longer inspires her to feel loved. They negotiated all of the passion out in favor of peaceful co-existence, and now she wants the passion back.
The only way for a marriage to be truly happy, exciting, passionate and fulfilling over the long haul is for the relationship to eventually grow again into stage three.
Stage three is what I call the “balanced” stage. In stage three, a man decides that it is perfectly OK to be a masculine man. He reignites his own masculinity and takes charge of his marriage relationship. He makes a conscious effort to build an exciting and romantic life for both himself and his wife. He does NOT do this out of a selfish desire to extract anything from his wife. He does this in order to give her the love and strength that she needs as a woman.
In stage three, a woman decides that it is perfectly OK to be a feminine woman. She chooses to trust her husband, and allow him to take the lead in building an exciting life for both of them. She opens her heart to him, and freely shares her body with him NOT because she wants to manipulate or control him. She does it because they have mutual love, honor, and respect for each other.
Stage three couples have mutual boundaries, freedoms, and do what is best for the marriage as a whole. They communicate, they understand each other’s needs and they allow each other the freedom to be who they are. They accept that all will never be perfect.
When a couple reaches stage three, real magic happens. They start a virtuous cycle that feeds off of itself and becomes stronger and stronger over time. The more that he becomes confident in offering the gifts of his love and strength, the more she opens up to accept them fully. The more time they spend together, the more fun they have. The more often they make love, the deeper and more satisfying it becomes for both of them. They settle into to the kind of loving and trusting relationship that God intended for all people. She completely trusts his masculinity and loves him for it. He completely adores her femininity and loves her for it.
Again, the man takes the lead. If his wife cannot commit to changing herself once he does so, if she is beyond putting the effort into a mutually happy stage three marriage. Let her go, and find yourself a woman that appreciates you for the man you are.
Wow, talk about words of wisdom....
This is my first post on this forum, so I'd like to give you a little backround. I'm in my second marriage to a woman who is a few yeas older than I. We knew each other when we were each still married to our exes. We worked together for several years and hardly even talked, yet after my divorce we became friends. She had a lot of issues with her marriage, and I was her shoulder to cry on. To be honest, my motives were somewhat less than truly honorable. We knew each other's secrets, and I had more than my share of skeletons. We fell in love and eventually she left her husband of 18 years to move in with me.
Things went well for a while, considering my problems with alcohol and porn. There were times when I was definitely not a nice guy, I did not treat her right. I expected her to perform in the bedroom the way the porn stars did. So YES we had problems and we were working on them.
I think the current problem began when I started working nights and weekends at a new job. It seemed like we had no private time together, no time for sex. I was getting up to go to work while she was getting ready for bed. I was home and awake during the day, and sometimes I'd wait for her to come home so she could "tuck me in".
Problem was, she almost never did.
Years went by with my pleading at times, to come to bed when she comes home, or come in to wake me a little early or whatever it takes for us to have a little personal time. It was like pulling teeth to get her into the bedroom, and that always left me angry rather than satisfied. I didn't get married and give up everything so I could hope to get lucky once in a while.
After quitting drinking, the porn and wanking just didn't do it for me anymore, and I started looking for a special friend. I found one in the rooms and began a year long affair. When I was found out, in 2008, I told my wife she was never there for me, when of course she was, but I never felt like she really wanted me, and that was MY problem.
Anyway, now we're still together, we are nearly sexless. I'm still not drinking, nor am I looking at porn or masturbating. I'm being treated for OCD and have meds that get me through the hard times. My wife forgives me, but she is still very damaged. She brings up the affair almost daily, an I can't even compliment her or treat her like a lady without her asking "did you say that to her, did you treat her that way?"
When I'm in a bad place, such as right now, I want to ask her if it would have killed her to "tuck me in" like I so many times asked her to do. I can't really say for sure if that would have prevented me from cheating, but my therapist seems to agree that when the drinking stopped and my mind cleared up, the sexual problems I was dealing with could have felt a lot worse, leaving me to feel I had no other choice.
Anyway a question like that would only bring in more fighting. I love her and want to make it work, but life is too short to fight everyday, and I think if she realized on her own that she had a part in what I did, she might get over it sooner.....
WTF? Why is all about her needs all the time? A marriage is supposed to be 50/50, many of us here gave our wives no serious reasons for complaints, spent 20+ years giving them everything they wanted within our means. The reward for this? they hit about 40 and have an affair with some guy they met on Facebook with two or three broken marriages behind him.
Many of these women are going through a mid life crisis that has nothing to do with hubby. A statement of "I'm not happy" the day they leave after a couple of weeks of odd behavior they won't explain when asked is about all the warning some of us get. So I call bull on this one.
I'm inclined to concur on the one. The bottom line is that if a woman can get a better deal with another man they
will go for it. That "better deal" can include (but isn't limited to) a bigger man part, a better body, bigger net worth,etc. It really doesn't matter how well her husband treated her. For a woman a husband is just a means to an end.
Of course the same could be said for men but it usually isn't for the same reason.
And if a man has to "inspire a woman" to because a wife then she doesn't care about being one in the first place. She's a grown woman; not a child that has to molded and taught.
I agree about about the man taking the lead for some things. But a marriage is a 50/50 operation and the wife can't be the one that does all the taking and neither can the man.
Are women just inherently untrustworthy? Not always. It has a lot to do with how they're raised. Some women are just selfish as are some men.
And as far as a man being a ***** for showing feelings that's a big ole pile of horse****. If you cry out of frustration then that's silly. But if you don't cry when your child is born or you lose a loved one then you a screw loose. Having a **** and balls doesn't mean you don't have a heart.
Lots of good points here so I won't repeat what has already been said. Here are my thoughts on this.
First I think its unfair to put all this on the men (I'm female). Inspiration will only get you so far if the other person isn't willing to do any work. I personally have managed to inspire MY husband to be a better man but I also recognize he is committed to our marriage and wants it to be better just as much as I do. It takes two to make a marriage work.
Secondly even if you have two people willing to work on the marriage my observation is many couples quit before they ever reach stage 3. I've been married 20 years and it wasn't all great. In fact many of those years flat out sucked but we refused to give up. We are just now reaping the rewards of our efforts.
Aside from my marriage I personally know couples that have made it to stage 3 and without exception it took over a decade or longer to get there. There are no shortcuts. You can't skip the earlier stages and go straight to the last one. It doesn't work that way. It's a process and one that must be earned.
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Is it always the man’s fault? 
