Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.
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Old 02-03-2009, 12:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

Hi,
So this is my first time posting to a forum or saying anything online that other people can really read about or see. I was reading another post about one guy being treated horribly by his wife. I was reading it and decided that I should post my situation, b/c I feel like I need an outsider's point of view, and not that of my mom or friends. I am 23 and I have been married now for a month and a half. I never planned on being married at this age, but this is how things worked out. We have no kids at all because we both agree we can't support one financially yet and I can personally say that I am too greedy with time and myself to have a kid. I have known my wife for around 3 years though. The relationship started out great like all relationships, but after a we became very serious with each other, she became very critical of everything I do. She has always ragged me about the decisions I make, especially if they go against hers. When we were dating, I still lived with my mom because I was in school full time. My wife however wanted us to get our own place, so after her begging and getting angry about us not living together, I finally broke down and moved out and had to get a better job that pays more so I could afford living on my own with her. She was happy again, for a while. Then she began after another year to want an engagement ring. I held off for a while until I gave her one. Honestly so she would partially shut up, and the other reason was I really did love her, I just wasn't 100% sure. My mom always told me to never settle, and I constantly wondered if she was the right one for me. I guessed that is just the cold feet everyone got, and once again, I really did love her. I got a ring and went a couple thousand in debt, since school takes a lot of money these days and I was only working part time. She was finally happy, but then wanted to get married. So I did about a month and a half ago. A lot happened in December. I graduated finally, got married, and we wanted to move into a better apartment. Everything was great until a couple weeks ago. As I mentioned before, she was insistent and yelled a lot during our dating. I figured she would be happy once we were married and on our own. I didn't get to go anywhere for graduation. No trip or anything. All I did was help move furniture. I still only work part-time on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and she works Monday through Friday, but I am planning to go into the air force in April. So I admit that I am slacking a little. I want to take it easy before I go and sign my life away. I was offered a free trip to Vegas with Family, and I wanted to go. My wife got pissed and didn't want me to. Said I needed to keep my butt at home and find a full time job. She works full time and has a master's degree, so she is a little more mature than I am. However, I always try to buy her stuff or make her happy. She always seems depressed, be it with work, or with me. I can also admit that I don't always do stuff when she tells me to, but I do do them, and since we have been arguing a lot lately, I have been taking the initiative to do more around the house when she is not home. Its also stressful because we were legally married, but we are doing the ceremony in March. I have stepped up to try and help plan the wedding more and help find vendors and etc., but she still never seems happy. She never seems to appreciate what I do or have done for her. I gave up free rent at home, bought a ring I couldn't afford really, married her early than I wanted, and a few other things that are just too long to mention. However, she is always yelling at me. She even hates it when I have people over a lot. It seems that she doesn't want me to have a good time, because she doesn't a lot of the time. She even yells at me in front of my friends or when we have company over, and tells them about how I have no ambition and how I'm a loser. I don't' know what to do. I love her a lot, but she is constricting me and making me feel like I am a loser. Is she right? Do I need to do more? I only work part-time, but I still pay my share of the rent and bills. I always thought that if we were married and she got the things she wanted, she would be happy now. I feel stupid to have even believed that at all. I feel like a stupid kid who got into marriage too quickly. I do love her though, greatly. But I never seem to make her happy.
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Old 02-03-2009, 07:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

Well, your first mistake was not standing up for yourself in the very beginning. If you didnt want to get married, then you shouldnt have. And if you wanted to go on a graduation trip, or to vegas with your family, then you should have gone. If you feel you are missing out on your life, its because you dont know what you really want in life. it has nothing to do with your wife. you are the one making decisions you dont like.

You need to learn about boundaries. You resent your wife b/c you cant make her happy, even though you sacrificed so much. You've got to learn what you want in life, and go for it. dont give up anything to try and make someone else happy. it doesnt work. believe me, ive been down that road. i gave up my job, my family, my friends, and my education for my H. i got screwed. live and learn.

The good thing is, its never too late to set things right. start learning about boundaries and how to say "no." she might throw a fit, and if she starts yelling at you, tell her you love her but you will not be talked to that way, and leave. let her know when she wants to talk to you with respect, then you'll talk.

but the decision to a happy life is in your hands. no one else makes the decisions for you. they're not always easy decisions, especially at first, but in the long run do what feels right to you. be accountable for your own life.
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Old 02-03-2009, 08:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

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Well, your first mistake was not standing up for yourself in the very beginning. If you didnt want to get married, then you shouldnt have. And if you wanted to go on a graduation trip, or to vegas with your family, then you should have gone. If you feel you are missing out on your life, its because you dont know what you really want in life. it has nothing to do with your wife. you are the one making decisions you dont like.

You need to learn about boundaries. You resent your wife b/c you cant make her happy, even though you sacrificed so much. You've got to learn what you want in life, and go for it. dont give up anything to try and make someone else happy. it doesnt work. believe me, ive been down that road. i gave up my job, my family, my friends, and my education for my H. i got screwed. live and learn.

The good thing is, its never too late to set things right. start learning about boundaries and how to say "no." she might throw a fit, and if she starts yelling at you, tell her you love her but you will not be talked to that way, and leave. let her know when she wants to talk to you with respect, then you'll talk.

but the decision to a happy life is in your hands. no one else makes the decisions for you. they're not always easy decisions, especially at first, but in the long run do what feels right to you. be accountable for your own life.
Well not to sound like I am making excuses, but I don't want to come home to an angry wife who will only yell some more if I do go. Coming back would mean paying a price. I do try to talk to her calmly, but then she yells again more.
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Old 02-04-2009, 09:41 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

OMG, it sounds like your married to a Mom instead of a wife Why do you think it is your place to give her everything she wants? Just because she wanted to get married? Just because she wanted to live together? Those are probably the most important decisions you will make in your life and you just handed them over to her without being sure it is what you wanted? You can love someone all you want, but it doesn't mean you should marry them. The real question is why does your opinion mean so little to you? What are the real reasons you love her? What do you want out of life? This is your LIFE......it's not going to get better, unless you are happy to have no life, no friends, no decisions, no backbone, etc......She definately has a controlling personality, and is not able to respect you even in front of your friends???? Does she love you or own you? She definately needs mental help with a counselor to get it under control. Wow.....your way too young to be going through this. What was such the rush on a marriage that you made it legal last year but no ceremony until this year? What is she in such a hurry for?
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Old 02-04-2009, 11:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

We were in a hurry for a couple reasons. One she is an immigrant, and she was going to have to leave the country by August this year if we weren't married. And I wasn't not wanting to marry her, I just wanted to wait a bit, but we couldn't or else she would of had to leave. We were dating for almost 3 years. I don't believe she just wanted to get a green card or anything, but her and I went at it a few times and she almost left for Poland. So I figured marry her and take a chance because I love her, or lose her for good and never know. I still do love her, but yes she is controlling.
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Old 02-04-2009, 12:36 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

I think there is a lot of hope for your marriage, but you can't do it alone. She will definately have to be a part of counseling to do it. You sound like a really laid back guy and can put up with a lot. You have to just set your own limit. If her voice is too sharp or loud, tell her you can't talk to her when she is like that and go away. Eventually, if she cares what you have to say she will notice her anger and try and control it better. When she is yelling she isn't interested in anything you have to say, or even able to hear it for that matter. Her yelling is about her lack of anger control and control in general. It can't make her happy to treat you like that. If I talked to my husband that way and he allowed it I would have zero respect for him, not to mention it would be a total turn off. Think about it, what woman gets turned on by a man they can walk all over?? There are things you can do if you set your own limits to change things and teach her how to talk to another person, especially her husband. You have to stick to them and not give in, leave the home if you have to. It will get worse before it gets better or never get better. Set your own time limit as to how long your going to live with it and follow through. Chances are you will see a difference pretty soon especially if this is happening every day. I am sure it comes from her upbringing, but she is an adult now and you don't have to put up with it and shouldn't. I am grateful you two don't want kids, could you imagine that ????
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Old 02-04-2009, 01:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

Yeah I tried to leave once, and she said that if I left while we were arguing, when I got back, she would be gone. I guess I should have left and seen what would happen.
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Old 02-04-2009, 01:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

Yep, call her on it.......If she's gone that quick it would have never worked out anyway. What is it that keeps you there? All her actions are going to do to you is cause resentment, and anger. No good can come of it. She doesn't sound like she really wants a husband, but more something to control I would say get her a dog, but then again I wouldn't treat a dog like that either. She kind of reminds me of a school kid bully. You know they are really insecure, and scared, so they bully other kids to feel in control and important, and gain so called friends by fear. The best way to confront a bully is to stand up to them. She will cowar down if pushed, but you can't let up. You have to demand respect and tell her if she doesn't change then she doesn't have a choice to be your wife, you will leave. Only say that if you mean it though....
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Old 02-04-2009, 02:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

I'll give it a try. Thanks. It's just embarrassing that it is like this and we have been married less than two months.
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Old 02-04-2009, 03:47 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

ya give it back see what she thinks!
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Old 02-04-2009, 04:23 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

It's even more embarassing 20 years into the marriage, lol.....
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Old 02-04-2009, 10:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

Hi

You said 'I love her...' quite a few times in your contri, but does she? Sounds like she does not or she doesn't understand marraige and love.

Ever try marriage counselling?

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Old 02-12-2009, 08:37 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

Your situation can be saved, but you have to listen and do what you are told. Making excuses, and saying "that won't work for me because..." is EXACTLY how you will KEEP yourself in that position.

---but I don't want to come home to an angry wife who will only yell some more if I do go---

She has life considerably better figured out than you do. She doesn't even HAVE to fight with you, because she has you convinced not to even TRY crossing her. You are only 23, married 2 months, and already thinking "doing what I want is not worth dealing with her tantrums"

She is mad, because she does not respect you.

A very wise woman -- one whose husband is in the EXACT position you are, once told me the following regarding her relationship. I want you to read this very carefully and understand what is being said. She said:

"I dumped him (yeah, *I* dumped *HIM*) because once I realized that I had him whipped to the point where I could do WHATEVER I wanted, knowing that if he ever tried to do the same, I could just be loud/difficult enough that he would decide what he wanted wasn't worth the fight, I realized I had no respect for him".

Its a catch-22 my friend... your wife gets angry because she doesn't get her way, but then gets angry when you just give in. Its similar to what Oscar Wilde once said: "there are 2 tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want, the other is getting it."

As another famous saying goes: "dude, grow a pair"

Your have some work to do.

You need to start respecting YOURSELF, and realizing that you have worth too. You deserve better treatment than she is giving you, and you do NOT have to tolerate her.

Understand that as you stand up to her and begin asserting yourself, she will TEST you. Of COURSE she will try to make you back down, because she has a pretty good thing going right now. But you HAVE to stay firm! You will be better off in the end.

Take some time to process that, and then let me know if you are ready to try.
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Old 02-13-2009, 05:53 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

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Originally Posted by Chopblock View Post
"I dumped him (yeah, *I* dumped *HIM*) because once I realized that I had him whipped to the point where I could do WHATEVER I wanted, knowing that if he ever tried to do the same, I could just be loud/difficult enough that he would decide what he wanted wasn't worth the fight, I realized I had no respect for him".
Yep. I wrote about this sort of thing here. See the section: "The people pleaser makes a good doormat"
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Old 02-16-2009, 09:18 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife yells alot and doesn't seem to appreciate me.

Mark that was an interesting article, and I have some comments (that will also help the OP). Some I'll make public, others I'll make private.

Your article "mutated" as you said to "things the man has to do". I do agree that since one has complete control over one's own behavior, that one should work on oneself first. HOWEVER, there is the point at which one must decide if one is dealing with (as you are so fond of quoting) a broken popcorn machine.

I liked your analogy about the sexual bank account. Its inspired me to open a similar sort of account, and "credit" is quite tight right now, heh heh.

I'd love to hear a follow up from the OP as to whether any of these things we've told him have done him any good. The problem is not unsolvable, but its almost like a grease stain. In retrospect it was probably easy to avoid, but now that its there, the only way to get it out is with tedious constant meticulous care.

Best of luck OP, and please return to update us.
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