I have been married for 9 years and I know my wife for 20 years now. When we meet she told me about her past two boyfriends and I had no girlfriends before. This has always been bothering me. All these years I have been living with her but mentally have blocked her out. We have son of 9 yrs old, she is the best Mom for him. I want to love her but jealousy does not let me forget her past.I am 47 , and she is 46. I wish there was a way to say its OK that she gave herself for the first time to some other ( she did love him) guy and then all these thoughts about her being intimate w/ these two guys . Look likes there is no hope for me.
You met her at 26 and are upset that she had two loving committed relationships prior to meeting you? You need counseling and I don't say that lightly. I mean you REALLY need counseling. You are "blocking her out" for something you perceive as wrong and something she did long before meeting you. Is it safe to assume then that you were a virgin at 27 when you met your now wife?
Quote: I wasn’t a virgin when we married either and I regret that both of us didn’t save ourselves.
Per the above from the story he wasn't a virgin.
You need to understand that your wife has been fully faithful to you and does not want to relive the past, she may regret to that she did not wait for you but you cannot unring that bell and she does not want to condem what she did as being bad, you on the other hand do not wear the Hair-Shirt because you did not wait for her. You were aware prior to the marriage that your wife was not a virgin and she was aware that you were not a virgin. She has kept her vows to you. Get on with your life.
Take some time and read the Thread about Infidelity and see where a WS breaks those vows and the mental anguish it caused the OS. That is something that is indeed a life long problem of destroyed Trust, Triggers etc.
You have a loving wife who is there for you.
Count your blessings.
I wasn't referring to the OP. He clearly showed his double standard. I was referring to the new guy who posted.
I said I too was NOT a virgin, which is something I also regretted -- read my original post -- is that a double standard?
Sounds like you have penis-envy like many of the other bra-burning feminists here ...
I said I too was NOT a virgin, which is something I also regretted -- read my original post -- is that a double standard?
Sounds like you have penis-envy like many of the other bra-burning feminists here ...
Dont mean to confuse the thread but goes right along my line. Thank you for your interest in my problem. Let me give you more detail of my life. As I said in college and graduate school I never met a girl within my expectations ( at the time I had not even considered virgin-nonvirgin issue) I was realy into studying and had other priorities. Once entered professional school I became more realistic and I met my present wife. We had a good personality match and during the next three years we helped each other surviving school. Since she had told me her life story from the first day , it was always a nag in my head, but under circumstances we got along pretty good. Once out of school I always had a thought of leaving her but never came to decide it however from time to time I would become very cranky and fight with her, but we always reconciled. Again all these times I had other priorities and never gave my nagging thoughts major attention. When my Wife , at the time girlfriend ,told me she was pregnant I absolutely put these thoughts on the back burner and got married and raised my son with her like anybody else would do. But I was always grumpy and would not mentally get close to my wife . I think subconsciously I had put a distance between us so I can accept the situation and move on. I don’t think I loved her. Now recently, could be due to midlife crisis!!, I decided I cant go on like this, I wanted to love her so We have happy family for my son. This is when all these conflict came back to my head. Honestly I have no personality or behavior issue against her. Its Just my ego who does not want to accept her intimacy with other men in the past. I have managed to improve a lot, gifts, kisses, I love yous. But deep inside I still suffer with the jealous thoughts. Why wasn’t I her first? The guy who had her first, why should he have been so lucky? I don’t blame her aat al for enjoying her life at all. It’s the guys who took advantage kills me and raises my BP, I am extremely jealous. I am sure she never compares or even thinks about the past. But I cant stop the little voice talking in my head. If I could only accept and not hide like I did for many years. I would be very happy. Leaving is not even an option, I want to live with my family peacefully not to have to do cognitive therapy for the rest of my life,
Basically Dav, what you've gone and done is married a girl you, as you pointed out, never loved. The long and short of it is you married her only because you got her pregnant I'm a good bit older than you and believe me, marrying a virgin (no offense) is over rated. My first wife was, I loved her, but later lost that primarily because of her materialistic attitude and perpetual complaining about our lot in life. I also suffered from an Hawaiian disease known as lackanooky. My second wife was married twice before I came along, When I married her my Hawaiian disease was cured and I've never heard how much more I should be providing.
I still think you've got a problem with her having a little experience and you haven't. If the guy who was "so lucky" to have her first was all that, she'd stayed with the SOB.
Your self esteem problem goes well beyond what we're talking about here. Even if you left her and got so "lucky" as to find a virgin, you'd still have a problem.
Dang I thought my head was messed up. Actually reading the posts of others here is making me feel much better about where I am at with this.
I see a major gulf between my experience and most others that are trying to come to grips with this issue in some sane manner. My wife was intimate (and I mean emotionally and physically with one guy). This guy inadverdantly was responsible for us meeting. I did not know of their relationship until after I was married.
When she knew I connected the dots she acted like it was no big deal (just a clinical thing?). Unfortunately because of family and friend dynamics we were running into him all the time. She deferred to him. It too years for her to get it through her head that I wanted no part of him in our lives. I will never forget the numb look on her face.
If I did not know who it was or if it was a one nighter I could have cared less. This was just a bit to close to home and in my mind has always been lingering.
I don't know quite what you me by, "she deferred to him"
Shortly after we were married, and I still had no clue he was "the one", he and his wife came over and we were giving them a tour of our place. We were in one of the rooms and he mocked something that was mine and my wife was falling all over herself to make sure he knew that it was my idea and not her's. I mean it was weird. It was obvious that what he thought was quite important to her.
I can understand where you're coming from. I don't know how long ago it happened, or to what extent. Folks (wives and husbands) make mistakes and, because of the circumstances, you may be judging it a little harsher than it was. If her ex-lover is in your face all the time that could be uncomfortable for a lot of guys. At my age, I've come to realize, and this sound horrible but its true, spouses are easy to replace. And there are more good women out there than good men. So I don't worry about it. I'll love my wife forever. But if she screws up forever, I'll be gone.
i can relate to these stories in my own life. i met my wife when she was 16, and i was 20. we dated 6 months. i felt like she was the love of my life. i wanted to spend all my time with her. we attempted sex around five months into our relationship. she was a virgin, i was not. the day we attempted she was seventeen ,and i was twenty one. i entered her to her hymen, i looked up and noticed her crying . i ask what was wrong she replied " she was afraid of getting pregnant, what her mom would think of her." i pulled out, and that was the only time during the six months we attempted to have sex. we broke up about six weeks later, due to lies that was spread . at that time i was glad we did not have intercourse ,it would have left me with guilt. after we was broke up she kept trying to get back with me for the next three months. she gave me a card , got to me but i did not respond to her. we was broke up for eighteen months. during that time i dated no one. we got back together i called her up and ask her out. i pulled in to her drive way it felt like i was back were i belonged. after a couple of dates she told me she had been with somebody. i got to questioning her she had been with eight guys in fifteen month period. i was sick, my heart was ripped into. i broke up with her once and i was not going to breakup again . i felt like it would be throwing her back to the wolves. i loved her and did not want any other woman in the world. i felt we were made for each other, and that God had brought her into my life. with my past i felt like i did not deserve a virgin, but i was questioning God why did this happen to her, why her. it was and still has been very rough in me dealing with she was a virgin before we broke up , and was not when we got back together. during the time we was apart i had became a christian . i know that i was still in love with her inspite of all that happened while we was apart, and did not want to live my life without her. we dated for five months and got married , i made love to her for the first time the morning after we was married . i went into the airforce, we had to kids, raised a family. we have been married 29 years now. yes her past has bothered me,and a lot . this past year was real bad, i became depressed from thinking about it. i could not sleep ,eat, could not stop thinking about it. it has bothered me in the past but not like this past year, i guess around 10 years of marriage her past bothered me bad, but nothing like this past year. i got through it by not dwelling on my hurt , but by extending ,and practicing total forgiveness and unconditional love to her. which she deserves. over the years she will not talk about what happened , or details of that time we was apart. she tries to block it out of her mind and let it die. the only think she has said to me about her past is " i did a lot of things i wish i would not have done". this is my story , and i would still have married her again. i still feel like she is the only woman in the world for me, can not see being with anyone else. i love her.
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Re: Wife's Past 
