we have been married 29 years now. yes her past has bothered me,and a lot .
After 29 years of life together, you are still troubled by the (growing) experiences she had in her earlier years? Why do you think you have trouble accepting her life experiences? Since you've loved her all this time, it can't be about her, right? Or you'd have left her...it must be something within you that is vulnerable to this anxiety?
Sadly in TS case this often causes a lot of relationships to fail. Although mostly people know this stuff way way before marriage and decide how bad it bothers them.
Often leads one partner questioning and wondering what other people might be like. In this case the idea of other women and love pleasure you could have had with other women or could have. That is why i feel it is imperative that you weight how a person's past affects you and your morals and what you are getting at and hoping for in life. If you cant see eye to eye that is a huge problem along with inability to get past jealousy or the past a person may have had. Thus no skeletons in the closet should exist no secrets and you should than decide. No need to waste your time and the other person's time.
Well I am glad I came in here because I had the exact same issue. Funny thing is, as I read these posts I almost instantly grew up. I have a somewhat diverse set of lady friends from college (nerds, foreigners, girl next door, ****, lesbians, etc) and I knew most of them well enough to talk about sex with most of them. And let me tell you something....5-6 is child's play. You should be ECSTATIC if that is your wife's number. Sure, in my grad school courses, those girls had no partners on average. If you are anything like the guys who were in my courses, you would not think of this as a plus.
The fact of that matter is, you're going to think about it. But when you do, just train yourself to put it out of your mind. Tell yourself you're an idiot and that you're destroying a wonderful relationship because you are immature.
If it helps, you can write out a list of why you don't think it matters. Whenever you think about it, you can whip out the list and go over it. I'll start out with a couple:
1. Everytime you sulk or poke and prod your wife, someone who you love dearly, you are hurting and insulting her over something really inane. Do you love her enough to put aside something that is your own problem? Remember it's not something you "forgive" her for. She doesn't owe you squat for what she did.
2. You should count yourself VERY lucky to be in love with an incredible woman. Do you have any idea how many guys are married to women (who were with 1-2 guys previously) who make them miserable (and vice versa)? You're complaining that the free bread that came with your $15 lobster soup, $20 salad, and $75 filet mignon was a little saltier than you like it.
Anyway I'm not gonna keep writing cuz I feel like I've been beating a dead horse. Hope this helped.
The posts stating that carry these thoughts for so long are spot on and make a great deal of good sense. With my wife it was only one individual. I think it may have been easier if it was a half dozen.
My problem is not fixating on them in the act. I got over that so many years ago. The problem is that there are many triggers that come up that indicate in still has a "significant" place in my wife's mind.
Do I believe she would ever reach out to him even with all the social media and tech we have. Not worried a bit. I just think that she is somewhat sorry she made the wrong choice. I have been in IC for a couple of months and will be approaching this subject with my wife before my next session. Honestly I am relieved for it to be out on the table and I am ready to close the book.
Shortly after we were married, and I still had no clue he was "the one", he and his wife came over and we were giving them a tour of our place. We were in one of the rooms and he mocked something that was mine and my wife was falling all over herself to make sure he knew that it was my idea and not her's. I mean it was weird. It was obvious that what he thought was quite important to her.
You know Conrad it was a couple of decades ago. I was really in shock about what was happening as a newlywed. I think there was a bit of denial coupled with naivete'. My therapist has asked that I bring up these issues with her before our next meeting (in a couple weeks) and I am a bit anxious for many different reasons.
My problem is not fixating on them in the act. I got over that so many years ago. The problem is that there are many triggers that come up that indicate in still has a "significant" place in my wife's mind.
You both need to get this resolved. She needs to understand that he is not THE ONE, you are. A lot of experts say that there should be zero contact with previous sex partners, and I agree. In your case it makes even more sense that she not see him.
I bet there are a lot of anger and trust issues for you around this. You are finding out that she withheld important information from you. If you had known that this guy had been a lover before he came to your house, you could deal with it. But now after the fact it creates doubts and anger.
Your wife really should consider her actions and then honestly apologize to you.
There's no place for secrecy or lies in a marriage.
I had this problem 12 years ago. I was on chemo for hep C. The chemo I was on messed with my thyroid, which in turn messed with my brain chemistry. I was suffering from major depression, anxiety, panic attacks, you name it.
I had just got my first computer and was on the internet when I got a email about penis enlargement. Basicly this set in motion a whole chain of events. Extreme obsesive compulsive thinking about my wifes past lovers, and a lot of other things.
It was hell for about 2 years. Getting off the chemo, and getting my head straightened back out. I did it so I know it can be done!
Nothin like a good ole desiring a virginal bride thread to bring out the man shamers and white knights!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a reason men are resentful of womens past and the OP is NOT alone! And a correction. The bible IN NO WAY says to stone a woman who marries and is not a virgin, but only if she SAYS she is a virgin and is in fact not, AKA fraud. Why?, cause guys like virgins!
SO, the problem here is the OP is married and knew his wifes past and still married her. Well, sorry to say, this is your cross to bear so to speak. You went in eyes wide open and need to not let this eff up your marriage. I will not shame you for you what you are feeling. If you can't deal with it on your own you need to get help, and ther is no shame in that. Best wishes.
Honestly - I have a hard time believing all this isnt a complete fabrication.
If it is not - I concur with the advice above to 'run not walk' to your therapist as your ONLY option. The twisted, hyperbolic magnitude of what you express far exceeds the utility of any advice you are going to get on an internet discussion forum or any self help blather you choose to read.
IMHO.
seems like a troll to me i have seen a very similar post exactly to what he described on here before that was posted along time ago in addition i have seen a very similar post on other websites forums.
You had your penis inside another female in your past.
What if she complained about this??
Exactly at times i wonder how women feel about that. Seeing how men typically have more sexual partners i imagine females accept this about men. I am sure the very thoughts men think occur with women more frequently "what if ___ has had better than me"
stuff like that.
I do not really feel sorry for OP because he KNEW ABOUT HER PAST BEFORE MARRIAGE and decided to marry anyhow. Me personally i believe you should know almost everything about the person you marry and when you are married nothing should be hidden. If you cant deal with there past than maybe you are NOT meant for each other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Locard
Nothin like a good ole desiring a virginal bride thread to bring out the man shamers and white knights!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a reason men are resentful of womens past and the OP is NOT alone! And a correction. The bible IN NO WAY says to stone a woman who marries and is not a virgin, but only if she SAYS she is a virgin and is in fact not, AKA fraud. Why?, cause guys like virgins!
SO, the problem here is the OP is married and knew his wifes past and still married her. Well, sorry to say, this is your cross to bear so to speak. You went in eyes wide open and need to not let this eff up your marriage. I will not shame you for you what you are feeling. If you can't deal with it on your own you need to get help, and ther is no shame in that. Best wishes.
Exactly i could understand a spouse being hurt or wanting to divorce if they are married and than out of the blue they find out something there spouse never told them before and hid thus "Lied" before but never revealed it. In this case however OP knew what he was getting into and ignored it and that is a problem honestly this is not a healthy marriage both sides should accept each other and past and get along.
In addition OP wife only had 5 men total that is not a large number and his wife was not his first so i dont see where the jealousy in that sense comes from. He needs help
I had one partner before marriage and told my husband about it before we were married. He was very upset, but eventually calmed down about it. I thought everything would be okay. He claims that he has never been with anyone else (which seems like a lie to me, for many reasons). Anyways, since the day we got married. He's a nut, sort of like you. He did not want me to talk to any men, did not want me to refer to even a random guy when telling a story. He would always be snooping on my laptop asking who's email address it was or who I go to school with and sit down next to in class.
Not only did it want me to just leave him, but it also made me hate him and feel attracted to other men. Not like I was in love with them, but I kept wondering how every guy I meet is normal except for my crazy husband.
Long story short, to make him happy I do not look, talk to, or even refer to any man. However, he also does not let it go. There is nothing but sleeping with another woman that would get me off the hook. He's cursed at me, called me the worst imaginable things, and even said that my blood is filthy and he's ashamed that Im the mother of his child.
After many fights, he's finally moved on. However, I cant even sit and watch a movie with him if it refers to a girl being a virgin or not.
It hurts. And if he brings it up one more time in our marriage, it will be over.
So if you value your relationship, get over it or go find yourself someone who waited just for you.
I had one partner before marriage and told my husband about it before we were married. He was very upset, but eventually calmed down about it. I thought everything would be okay. He claims that he has never been with anyone else (which seems like a lie to me, for many reasons). Anyways, since the day we got married. He's a nut, sort of like you. He did not want me to talk to any men, did not want me to refer to even a random guy when telling a story. He would always be snooping on my laptop asking who's email address it was or who I go to school with and sit down next to in class.
Not only did it want me to just leave him, but it also made me hate him and feel attracted to other men. Not like I was in love with them, but I kept wondering how every guy I meet is normal except for my crazy husband.
Long story short, to make him happy I do not look, talk to, or even refer to any man. However, he also does not let it go. There is nothing but sleeping with another woman that would get me off the hook. He's cursed at me, called me the worst imaginable things, and even said that my blood is filthy and he's ashamed that Im the mother of his child.
After many fights, he's finally moved on. However, I cant even sit and watch a movie with him if it refers to a girl being a virgin or not.
It hurts. And if he brings it up one more time in our marriage, it will be over.
So if you value your relationship, get over it or go find yourself someone who waited just for you.
Sarah,
That is brutal and I feel truly feel for what you have endured. I actually am wondering why you do. I know that my triggers and my thoughts are not rational. I have been to counseling which has helped me cope much better. I think I would have been over this years ago if my wife did not have such a casual attitude about it and if we did not have so many connections to him and will have for the rest of our lives.
Clawson why is this man connected in any way in your life? Why can't you cut him out and insist your wife do the same.
I think that this is very important to resolve with your wife what she did was wrong. However, I think she may feel guilty or maybe very bad about what she did and has difficulty facing it.
It was a long time ago but it is not so long that it is not affecting you. So time does not matter.
She may ask why you can't forget it. Have answer ready for her. She needs to see from your point of view and to atone for what she did.
Does she treat you with respect now? Treat you like you are the most important man in her life. Go out of her way to make you happy?
If she dismisses your pain then it is time for you to step back and give what you are getting. Change your focus. If she can not do this one important thing that will help you, then you have to rethink what you do for her.
Not talking about tit for tat but pulling in your emotional reserves and using them to heal.
34Likes
Re: Wife's Past 
