Wife's Past
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Old 02-10-2012, 11:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife's Past

I’ve read other posts on this and the responses but I simpy HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO come to grips with my wife’s past partners. We’ve been married 7 years and have 2 kids. I dearly love her and we have a great physical relationship but I am still haunted by the fact that she had been with 5 guys before me. I wasn’t a virgin when we married either and I regret that both of us didn’t save ourselves. It says in the bible that intimacy is the closest 2 people can get to heaven while on earth and that we should save ourselves for our partner for marriage – God I wish we had. I come back to the fact that we don’t physically share anything greater than she has shared with other men before. I just cannot imagine her experiencing this amazing intimacy with men that she had no commitment with or even possible thoughts of commitment. We have had this talk many times in the past and she just treats the topic very casually and shrugs it off and says ‘I was just having fun’. That comment sticks in my gut like a knife and I cannot erase it. The woman that I adore referring to another man being ‘inside’ her as fun when the image makes me almost literally ill – it actually makes me truly physically ill. When she compares this ‘special’ ‘sacred’ thing that is so amazing between us as ‘fun’ it really makes me disgusted. I have struggled with this for years and go for periods being ‘ok’ with it or not dwelling on it but then it hits me like a wave and I slip into this deep depression – that I can’t even share with my wife because ‘we’ve been over that’ and it would just cause a fight anyways. I have seen counselors over it and been on medication as well … what is my sickness … I think about the fact that another man has pleasured the woman that I think of as my ‘soulmate’ and I just cringe … imagining that she gave that away to someone that means nothing to her … then it must in reality be something that doesn’t mean anything to her and that it is just physical gratification and that just makes me even more sick … at least if I picture her deeply ‘in love’ with the other guys it makes me feel that she was being true to herself … but if she was in love with them and it was very passionate it is also extremely disgusting. Does she ever think back to those moments and secretly cherish them? Does she ever compare me to any of them? Does what we share really have emotional meaning to it? I provide for our family so that she doesn’t have to work, bought an extremely expensive engagement ring, help with EVERYTHING around the house, the kids, EVERYTHING because I love them all – and because I respect and want to show respect for all of us. The thought that not ONE of her previous lovers would have invested more than a $20 meal at McDonalds on her in those days and shared what I share with her makes it difficult to treat what we share physically meaningful … and I want it to be meaningful. Last year we ran into a guy that she dated at a party. She introduced me and told me that they had ‘dated’. I could hardly control the thoughts that overcame me – him on top of her … him laughing at me right now inside … how ‘fun’ was he anyways – did he really physically amaze her but they didn’t last because of other reasons – maybe HE dumped HER … maybe I’m the worst lover she ever had, but she married me because I treat her great and make her laugh & take care of her … he was allot bigger guy than me too – did he ‘satisfy’ her (not that I would ever know) in ways I never could or did he just have big hands and feet … I don’t even be in that position -- I don’t need to have that shoved in my face ?!?!
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Old 02-10-2012, 11:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I have seen counselors over it and been on medication as well … what is my sickness …
If you've seen counselors for your retroactive jealousy, I don't know that anyone here can help you get over it.

Obviously trying to reason yourself out of it isn't helping - I'm sure somewhere in your head you realize that your wife CHOSE YOU for a reason, and that reason is the whole package you are. Your wife CHOSE YOU to be the father of her children. Your wife may have had sex with other people before marriage, as did you, but that does not mean she shared the kind of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual intimacy she shares with you in a marriage. You had sex with other people before marriage and that obviously does not in any way diminish what you feel for your wife and is indeed quite different.

You cannot erase the past - that is not an option. All you can do is change your perspective.

So if counselors, logic, drugs won't help, what do you think you need? You quote the Bible...have you sought guidance from your minister?
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's Past

Sometimes, people really amaze me.

I've been married twice. Second wife moved out because she chose her male friends over me. She's one of those women who requires a lot of male attention. Evidently I'm not enough for her. I get the impression she thinks relationships are about cake eating meaning she gets the security that marriage provides but gets to flirt, play and do whatever else she wants to do without any responsibilities.

You sound as if you have everything necessary for a smooth wonderful life as a husband and father. And, you insist on getting in your own way because you are selfish.

You have a very giving wonderful attractive partner who willingly rocks your world. Rather than take up your spear, putting on your armor, and conquering the world for her, you insist on letting your pride dictate insecurity and smallness.

Grow up.


Quote:
Originally Posted by cam44 View Post
I’ve read other posts on this and the responses but I simpy HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO come to grips with my wife’s past partners. We’ve been married 7 years and have 2 kids. I dearly love her and we have a great physical relationship but I am still haunted by the fact that she had been with 5 guys before me. I wasn’t a virgin when we married either and I regret that both of us didn’t save ourselves. It says in the bible that intimacy is the closest 2 people can get to heaven while on earth and that we should save ourselves for our partner for marriage – God I wish we had. I come back to the fact that we don’t physically share anything greater than she has shared with other men before. I just cannot imagine her experiencing this amazing intimacy with men that she had no commitment with or even possible thoughts of commitment. We have had this talk many times in the past and she just treats the topic very casually and shrugs it off and says ‘I was just having fun’. That comment sticks in my gut like a knife and I cannot erase it. The woman that I adore referring to another man being ‘inside’ her as fun when the image makes me almost literally ill – it actually makes me truly physically ill. When she compares this ‘special’ ‘sacred’ thing that is so amazing between us as ‘fun’ it really makes me disgusted. I have struggled with this for years and go for periods being ‘ok’ with it or not dwelling on it but then it hits me like a wave and I slip into this deep depression – that I can’t even share with my wife because ‘we’ve been over that’ and it would just cause a fight anyways. I have seen counselors over it and been on medication as well … what is my sickness … I think about the fact that another man has pleasured the woman that I think of as my ‘soulmate’ and I just cringe … imagining that she gave that away to someone that means nothing to her … then it must in reality be something that doesn’t mean anything to her and that it is just physical gratification and that just makes me even more sick … at least if I picture her deeply ‘in love’ with the other guys it makes me feel that she was being true to herself … but if she was in love with them and it was very passionate it is also extremely disgusting. Does she ever think back to those moments and secretly cherish them? Does she ever compare me to any of them? Does what we share really have emotional meaning to it? I provide for our family so that she doesn’t have to work, bought an extremely expensive engagement ring, help with EVERYTHING around the house, the kids, EVERYTHING because I love them all – and because I respect and want to show respect for all of us. The thought that not ONE of her previous lovers would have invested more than a $20 meal at McDonalds on her in those days and shared what I share with her makes it difficult to treat what we share physically meaningful … and I want it to be meaningful. Last year we ran into a guy that she dated at a party. She introduced me and told me that they had ‘dated’. I could hardly control the thoughts that overcame me – him on top of her … him laughing at me right now inside … how ‘fun’ was he anyways – did he really physically amaze her but they didn’t last because of other reasons – maybe HE dumped HER … maybe I’m the worst lover she ever had, but she married me because I treat her great and make her laugh & take care of her … he was allot bigger guy than me too – did he ‘satisfy’ her (not that I would ever know) in ways I never could or did he just have big hands and feet … I don’t even be in that position -- I don’t need to have that shoved in my face ?!?!

Last edited by Conrad; 02-10-2012 at 12:42 PM.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks. I haven't seen a minister for any help but we do go to church every weekend.

sometimes I am ok for months ... then these little questions that I mentioned pop into my head that I have no way to answer. Am I wierd or does this bother allot of men. How crazy is this?
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by cam44 View Post
Thanks. I haven't seen a minister for any help but we do go to church every weekend.

sometimes I am ok for months ... then these little questions that I mentioned pop into my head that I have no way to answer. Am I wierd or does this bother allot of men. How crazy is this?
To me, it's exceedingly crazy. And it puts your wife in a LOSE position, because you are holding something against her and creating distance between you. YOU are damaging your marriage, not her past. YOU are choosing to let this be a problem.

I'll tell you this - women do not see past lovers the same way they see their husbands. The sex she has with you is VASTLY different from what she had in the past. Maybe it's hard for you to understand, but the connection she feels with you far surpasses anything she felt with anyone else. That SHOULD BE ENOUGH for you. Especially since you can't erase the past. And especially since you also had sex with other women prior to marriage.

It's just different, and it would be best for you to accept that and focus on what you HAVE in your life and in your marriage. Be grateful that you have a wonderful woman who isn't divorcing you because you can't get these sick and unhealthy thoughts out of your head to the point that you are creating strife where there isn't any.

Did these thoughts trouble you when you married her? Why marry her, then? If not, then why did they start?

Have you tried a CBT counselor? Behavioral therapy often works far better than talk therapy.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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To me, it's exceedingly crazy. And it puts your wife in a LOSE position, because you are holding something against her and creating distance between you. YOU are damaging your marriage, not her past. YOU are choosing to let this be a problem.

I'll tell you this - women do not see past lovers the same way they see their husbands. The sex she has with you is VASTLY different from what she had in the past. Maybe it's hard for you to understand, but the connection she feels with you far surpasses anything she felt with anyone else. That SHOULD BE ENOUGH for you. Especially since you can't erase the past. And especially since you also had sex with other women prior to marriage.

It's just different, and it would be best for you to accept that and focus on what you HAVE in your life and in your marriage. Be grateful that you have a wonderful woman who isn't divorcing you because you can't get these sick and unhealthy thoughts out of your head to the point that you are creating strife where there isn't any.

Did these thoughts trouble you when you married her? Why marry her, then? If not, then why did they start?

Have you tried a CBT counselor? Behavioral therapy often works far better than talk therapy.
To follow on and ask Cam a question, is the sex you have with your wife the same as the sex you had before? If it is, consider what type of emotional connection you have. It should be different. Heck, the sex I have now with my wife is many times better than what we had when we were dating. The connection and trust and improved it immensely.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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You need to run not walk to your nearest therapist's office. You can't get over this yourself therefore you need help to do it and if you don't you will RUIN your marriage. This is nothing more than negative thinking that you keep pushing 'replay' on so long that the grooves are worn. The longer you put off seeking help for this the worse it will get.

You must learn to STOP these toxic thoughts you are having about things you cannot control.

Please go talk to someone other than TAM about this.
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Old 02-10-2012, 12:57 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I wonder about your own sense of self-worth as a potential starting point to "move past this."

It sounds like you are completely self-sacrificing and that is how you understand love, but this can easily lead into a loss of self that is not healthy for you or is unlikely to be appealing to her in the long run.

I also wonder if you generally suffer from anxiety or depression and this issue is simply what you have focused on as the "source" of those feeling. Do you think if you didn't have this issue there would be another just behind it?

Finally, I wonder if you view your past sexual experiences as disqualifying you from feel a special love or intimacy with your wife. If not, then can't you imagine her feeling the same way?
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Old 02-10-2012, 01:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I wonder about your own sense of self-worth as a potential starting point to "move past this."


I think Cam44 is a good candidate for No More Mr. Nice Guy. Get the book and do the exercises. Also visit the forums at nomoremrniceguy.com/forums .

Also check out the forums at themarriagebed.com which is a strongly Christian based forum. I think you will find people over there who can productively discuss the religious aspects of your issues.

It sounds to me like a fear based response you are having. Fearing that you are inadequate in size, fearing that other men are laughing at you, fearing that your wife doesn't have as much "fun" with you, fearing that you aren't special to your wife.

Another aspect is what is your wife's reaction and behavior related to your issues? Does she do anything which makes you worry about her fidelity or her love for you? Is she supportive in you trying to get over this or does she mock you for it? There may be some relationship issues she could work on that would help you in this issue.
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Old 02-10-2012, 01:21 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Cam. Bin it and grow up.
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Old 02-10-2012, 01:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
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...How crazy is this?
Honestly - I have a hard time believing all this isnt a complete fabrication.

If it is not - I concur with the advice above to 'run not walk' to your therapist as your ONLY option. The twisted, hyperbolic magnitude of what you express far exceeds the utility of any advice you are going to get on an internet discussion forum or any self help blather you choose to read.

IMHO.
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Old 02-10-2012, 01:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I'm with the others... This is your issue to deal with, and you need more help than you can get in a place like this. If one-on-one counseling isn't cutting it for you, I don't know what the answer is, though.

She can't change her past, and you married her presumably knowing her past. You've been married for 7 freaking years. How long can you hold that against her? You've shared so much with her, and there's so many experiences that she's shared only with you. Like having children together, for example. Get over the few things that weren't your's exclusively.

Talk to your religious counselor, and see if they can assist you. I'm sure they've run into this before.

C
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Old 02-10-2012, 01:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=cam44;584295 I have seen counselors over it and been on medication as well … what is my sickness …[/QUOTE]

Your sickness is called insecurity.
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Old 02-10-2012, 01:39 PM   #14 (permalink)
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And if you really had been both untried when you married, you'd both be wondering what other people were like in bed and thinking of cheating on each other already. Plenty of documented cases if you don't believe me, even among the churched. Probably especially among the churched, come to think of it. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

You need to start looking forward and quit looking back.
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Old 02-10-2012, 02:40 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by cam44 View Post
Thanks. I haven't seen a minister for any help but we do go to church every weekend.

sometimes I am ok for months ... then these little questions that I mentioned pop into my head that I have no way to answer. Am I wierd or does this bother allot of men. How crazy is this?

Think of it this way: you beat those other men. She chose you. You win. You can laugh at them (if you wish).

See your minister if you like. Pray together with your wife for this. Don't accuse her of anything. Just say that this is something that you want to pray about together so that you can get healed.

If your wife is any kind of Christian then she should have repented from her sins. If she is laughing about it, then she has possibly not repented. However, you are not at all able to force her into repentance. All you can do is to lead the way with your own faith. And when you lead, don't look over your shoulder to see if she is keeping up.

Stop obsessing about it. When you have a thought about your wife's sexual history, tell yourself, "I don't care". Don't fight the thoughts, because that only makes them stronger (what we resist persists). Find something positive to do and focus on that positive action. Forget trying to win the battle in your mind. Focus on actions. Keep them productive and relaxed, as much as possible. Help others in totally unrelated things. Do kind things for your wife.

IMO, you don't need medications or counseling, but if you decide to remove yourself from either of those things, discuss it with your health professional first.
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