AFEH

Wrong. So very wrong but good luck to you.

AFEH

Why?

Unhappy2011

I suspect that is rationalizing what is largely a female ego protective mechanism.

Playing a passive role means you don't put yourself out there and risk the hurt to your ego of possible rejection.

Isn't that really what your friend is saying?



Anyways, women don't really need to chase.

What women need to do is give indicators of interest.

If you constantly avert eye contact and look anywhere but his direction and freeze up in his presence, then it will be hard for him to tell that you are interested.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I am in a similar position and agree with this entirely. Also from a man's POV it would seem to me that no one man would want the responsibility of making good for someone else's abuse - it's really too much to ask for in a relationship, and I mean, really, too much. That's not what relationships are meant for.

It's also good to date and to get used to handling rejection both on the receiving and the giving end, understand that rejection doesn't mean not liking someone in a genuine sense (you should never date people you don't like! or want to get to know a little bit better...) but simply learning to communicate that even if someone wants to be caught, you might not want to keep them. The skill in dating them comes from putting them back where you found them, not only unscathed but feeling the better for it. Every date that someone goes on is something new they learn about themselves, and a bigger understanding of a world beyond their own personal horizons. I think it would kind of nice if more people took the time to do lunches with acquaintances...without the implication of developing friendships with bonds, but just to chat and get to know each other better. I've had the opportunity to do a lot of this, and sometimes the line between dating and social lunching gets blurred. This is probably a good thing, when a person lives in a relatively small social world. It builds tact and diplomacy skills. As well as (ready for it?) your reputation. Even when married, social reputation and reliability counts for a lot, life doesn't end after marriage, and marriages end in ways other than abuse, divorce, cheating.

Most of all, dating and social dates of all kinds build trust in yourself. Often when I go out to a venue, I treat myself as I would treat a date or a friend. I make sure I do things for myself that make me feel secure, and on the way home, I check in with myself to make sure I had a pleasant evening, and what might have been done differently. I find that while out, I am a better companion for my friends, I naturally treat them the same way I treat myself. There are more hugs, more smiles, more genuine greetings and more intimate conversations (not sexual, but intimate, friendly, confessional, hilarious...). Once you have got used to that, it is difficult to settle for less, and it also makes it easier to identify what you might call 'prey' or to become 'prey' for sport of course, among friends.

I wouldn't rely on a single relationship to recover from abuse. Really, you have nothing to prove. Just do as suggested and be yourself, but be aware of what you're doing, and be open to change if what you do doesn't work for you.

Lionelhutz

I have been both chaser and chased. Do whatever feels right for you.

Personally I am usually attracted to gutsy women.

nice777guy

Given her history, she probably needs to take a little time to work on herself - regardless of Cheetah or Gazelle.

Trenton

The idea of being plowed down and eaten by a cheetah really doesn't sit well with me so I'm going to have to skip on ever wanting to be a gazelle if I have the choice between the two. Is this a trick question? What exactly is the benefit to being a gazelle in this scenario?

applelemon

Oh I've enjoyed all the replies. niceguy, AFEH, jellybeans thanks for keeping "updated" on my situation. Yes, I completely agree with what you mention about needing time to find what I like. I'm not jumping out at men as my original post may have suggested, haha! I'm in no hurry to get into a relationship. TRUST ME ON THAT . I'm just playing out the dating scene once again.

I guess my analogy was a bit radical and mistaken. I wasn't really talking about how I should date. It was more of a question about if going for guys is a "no-no" for women.

As most of you seem to suggest, it is okay for women to go for men (as it should be imho ).

Yes, I got out of a abusive relationship a few months back. To provide some (perhaps relative) background I was chased by my exH. He did all the things for our dating... psychologically maybe that could be a reason why I'm reluctant to go on dates with men who want to get to know me.

I've always been a tiny bit aggressive with my dating though, I've never liked playing "the waiting game". I have very little patience for that. Currently I am hanging out with a guy, and we both make chases for each other...which is interesting because I've never had this before.

As for the cheetah reference, I get that a cheetah is a rather "ravenous" creature. I probably should not have used that as a analogy XD But the gazelle, definitely. I am not the type of person so sit around and wait for something to happen. I'm a result-oriented person in general so whatever I am, definitely NOT gazelle

Trenton

Then you have your answer. Be the Cheetah you always were but muted for the sake of your X. You need to work on security within yourself (don't we all!) and then you won't need to ask.

I haven't chased in a long time but I'm pretty sure I'd want a situation that was give and take. As in, I don't mind chasing a wee bit or being chased but I'd prefer we were both doing this dance together. I thought that was what dating was about.

If you're talking about initiation...please...if a man wouldn't like me to initiate with a tempting smile or soft but endearing hello...I'm positive I'd want nothing to do with that man.

AFEH

Applelemon, wives and husbands who have been abused in their marriage typically have very poor boundaries. As adults with poor boundaries we “let the abuse in”. You know, that husband or wife who’s been abused for years knows what the situation is yet still they let the abuse happen.

There are a few reasons for this. Some are codependents to the abuser, thinking they can change them. Rather like the abused husband or wife of an alcoholic. But in time the codependent concludes that a person can only change themselves.

Another reason is that the abuser has things the abused wants, in that the abuser has “value” for the abused. “Love” plays a large part in this in that the abused actually loves the abuser. But then there are many other gifts the abuser brings to the abused and in order not to lose these gifts the abused tolerates the abuse.



You have just come out of an abusive marriage. I think the biggest thing you can do for yourself is to create a healthy set of personal boundaries. Buy books on personal boundaries and take time to create your own. This will be a totally new experience for you and over time you will come to know yourself far better than you do at the moment.

We have personal boundaries to protect ourselves from others’ abuse and to prevent ourselves from abusing others. Our boundaries are our “rules of life” and in a very great way define our most fundamental character, who we are and what we stand for.



I think in a lot of cases abused people have low self-esteem and think the somehow “deserve” the abuse. That is of course very sad and the person must work on themselves to improve their self-esteem. But your self-esteem sounds ok, it may have dipped while with your H but has come back up to a healthy level.


Others who are abused do I think have low self-respect. “Wow if she respected herself she’d never put up with that!”. If you do have low self-respect then going through the process of building personal boundaries and learning how to enforce them in a mature way will most certainly additionally build your self-respect to a healthy level.








Once you have good personal boundaries, good self-esteem and good self-respect they will last you your lifetime because you will always continue to improve them and you’ll never let them go under any circumstances.






And if you are going out “hunting like a man” do not under any circumstances make yourself an easy woman. Because that will do the opposite of the above and you’ll end up with poor personal boundaries, low self-esteem and low self-respect.

johnnycomelately

Never settle and never deny your nature. Just find the right prey.

There are many men out there who love to be preyed on.

Happy hunting.

applelemon

thanks