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post #16 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 09:55 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

ooooh she's blame shifting and trying to make you feel like the bad guy.

If she KNEW what was wrong, why did she continue it instead of constantly asking you what was wrong?

Shady shet going on. She's not all about the marriage, or she wouldn't have texted him all weekend knowing it was bothering you.

Kinda betchy, imo. And she asked for personal time and space?

Oh yea, she's in this EA... big time.


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post #17 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 09:56 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

Ok, you can ignore your feelings....but when the day comes that she gives you the "I love you but not in love with you" speech, you will kick your own ass.

And that day will come.

Why? because you're not being the alpha male she needs. You're letting her carry this relationship on with another man and she sees that you're doing nothing about it.

You say she sounded genuine when she said those things, so then why the jab of "so i guess I can't have male friends..."

No, really...NEW male friends shouldn't be allowed to a wife in a marriage just as NEW female friends shouldn't be allowed to the husband. I have old male friends...strictly friends...that we talk once in a while, but nothing more and we were friends before marriage and nothing sexual happened between us.

However if hubs had a new female friend, i would be suspicious...espcially if he was behaving like your wife. I'd ask to meet her and see what he says, how he reacts.

maybe ask your wife if you all can hang out. I mean, if he's just a friend, she won't mind, right?

She's fooling herself if she thinks she's not being inappropriate. Hurting her husband's feelings is inappropriate enough.


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post #18 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 09:57 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

I think she's guilt tripping you to get what she wants. He might just be a friend now, but it can evolve into a relationship in the future. It's not that she's looking to cheat. That's why so many cheaters say "we never meant for this to happen."
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post #19 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 09:58 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

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Originally Posted by williamjohnson View Post
I just confronted her. She had been asking me all weekend, "what's wrong?", but it turns out she knew exactly what was wrong. When I started the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said "I knew it was about this."

She told me that she is 100% committed to our marriage and our family, that she doesn't have feelings for him and has not engaged in any inappropriate communications with him, and that she would cut if off if that's what I wanted. She sounded genuine as she said these things.

She also said something to the effect of "I guess this means I can't have male friends," which makes me feel terrible b/c I do not want to be the jealous, controlling type who does not trust his wife. She also talked about how she doesn't have any close friends and that ever since we had the baby she's been yearning for personal time and space.

I guess now it's up to me to believe her and let the feelings of jealousy go. (This is hard to do at the moment.) I have not decided whether to ask her to stop being friends with this guy. What I feel now is still jealousy/anger, but now with a dose of guilt for having (improperly?) accused my wife of wrongdoing. Also a hint of embarrassment for having these emotions in the first place.
Don't worry about words, watch actions. She's trying to make you feel guilty. It's working.

“In thy foul throat thou liest.”
― William Shakespeare, Richard III

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post #20 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 10:00 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

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Originally Posted by williamjohnson View Post
I just confronted her. She had been asking me all weekend, "what's wrong?", but it turns out she knew exactly what was wrong. When I started the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said "I knew it was about this."

She told me that she is 100% committed to our marriage and our family, that she doesn't have feelings for him and has not engaged in any inappropriate communications with him, and that she would cut if off if that's what I wanted. She sounded genuine as she said these things.

She also said something to the effect of "I guess this means I can't have male friends," which makes me feel terrible b/c I do not want to be the jealous, controlling type who does not trust his wife. She also talked about how she doesn't have any close friends and that ever since we had the baby she's been yearning for personal time and space.

I guess now it's up to me to believe her and let the feelings of jealousy go. (This is hard to do at the moment.) I have not decided whether to ask her to stop being friends with this guy. What I feel now is still jealousy/anger, but now with a dose of guilt for having (improperly?) accused my wife of wrongdoing. Also a hint of embarrassment for having these emotions in the first place.
I have to admit that after 25 years of marriage, when I see posts like this, it makes me feel so old. The thing is that you shouldn't feel ashamed when you have fears and doubts, assuming that you don't go overboard. I would hope that my wife would care enough for our marriage to want to make sure that we stay close and connected. Still, as the years turn into decades, you'll see times where she becomes suspicious, then it might cycle back to your turn. Imagine how she will feel when she is tired and feeling unnatractive after having a child? Or if she begins to feel like she looks older than you? If she's upset, she'll eventually get a good lesson in what it feels like to be you.
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post #21 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 10:03 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

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Originally Posted by williamjohnson View Post
I just confronted her. She had been asking me all weekend, "what's wrong?", but it turns out she knew exactly what was wrong. When I started the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said "I knew it was about this."

She told me that she is 100% committed to our marriage and our family, that she doesn't have feelings for him and has not engaged in any inappropriate communications with him, and that she would cut if off if that's what I wanted. She sounded genuine as she said these things.

She also said something to the effect of "I guess this means I can't have male friends," which makes me feel terrible b/c I do not want to be the jealous, controlling type who does not trust his wife. She also talked about how she doesn't have any close friends and that ever since we had the baby she's been yearning for personal time and space.

I guess now it's up to me to believe her and let the feelings of jealousy go. (This is hard to do at the moment.) I have not decided whether to ask her to stop being friends with this guy. What I feel now is still jealousy/anger, but now with a dose of guilt for having (improperly?) accused my wife of wrongdoing. Also a hint of embarrassment for having these emotions in the first place.
Why did she know it would be about this?

Her reaction indicates that there was something there, maybe no fully formed, but I think you were right to suspect and to act.

My wife said something similar to me about a female friend a few years ago and my reaction was to say that I was sorry I had made her feel that way and to back right off without even being asked. That is the normal reaction of a person with a clear conscience.

If she knew what you were going to say then she was conscious of your suffering and had said nothing. Why? Why then react with a classic piece of guilt-tripping if her consience was completely clear?

Don't beat yourself up, I think your instincts were good and you may well be nipping something in the bud. Are you generally a paranoid suspicious sort of person? You don't sound like it, so why doubt your gut now?

Please do yourself a favour and post a thread in the Coping with Infidelity forum. You will get some ranters in there but you will also get some sound advice which will help you through this.

In the meantime follow Ronald Reagan's old adage:
'Trust, but verify.'
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post #22 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 10:05 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

yea, the fact that she KNEW it was about this tells me that she knows she's doing something wrong.


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post #23 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 10:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

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Ok, you can ignore your feelings....but when the day comes that she gives you the "I love you but not in love with you" speech, you will kick your own ass.

And that day will come.

Why? because you're not being the alpha male she needs. You're letting her carry this relationship on with another man and she sees that you're doing nothing about it.

You say she sounded genuine when she said those things, so then why the jab of "so i guess I can't have male friends..."

No, really...NEW male friends shouldn't be allowed to a wife in a marriage just as NEW female friends shouldn't be allowed to the husband. I have old male friends...strictly friends...that we talk once in a while, but nothing more and we were friends before marriage and nothing sexual happened between us.

However if hubs had a new female friend, i would be suspicious...espcially if he was behaving like your wife. I'd ask to meet her and see what he says, how he reacts.

maybe ask your wife if you all can hang out. I mean, if he's just a friend, she won't mind, right?

She's fooling herself if she thinks she's not being inappropriate. Hurting her husband's feelings is inappropriate enough.
Funny thing is, we DID hang out. He came over a few weeks ago to our house. We watched some basketball. It was kind of awkward. So awkward that I eventually didn't want to be around anymore (it seemed like they wanted to talk) and I went to bed while they chatted some more for an hour or two.

Then last week he came to my birthday party at a bar. This time was a lot less awkward. From what I can tell he's actually a pretty nice guy.

My question is: if your husband is "hurting" for totally irrational feelings, is it still wrong of her?
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post #24 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 10:09 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

Yep. It's still wrong of her.
She should be putting effort into making you feel secure...NOT texting this dude.

If you're normally not this way, then...she should be very concerned.

But she's not. She kinda laughed about it....scoffed at it.

Like I said, kinda betchy.


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post #25 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 10:10 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

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You are wrong about that...

In the beginning of emotional affairs, many people dont' even know they are in them. They talk about the person because they like them, they are friends, but there's a giddiness and a crush going on. They cannot help but talk about them to anyone and everyone, including their spouse. They also hope by talking about them, they won't feel so guilty about hiding things because hey, they told their spouse about them!

But then....the name drops away...and things start to change. that's when the emotional affair really takes off.

It's a pattern. believe it or not, but it's usually how it plays out.

He doesn't have to confront and accuse her. he can, however, say how much it bothers him that she's so preoccupied with this person. If she flips out on him, he'll know she is thinking of the OM as something more than a friend.
Does this always happen? The initial giddy-talk-about-the-AP phase? Because if yes, then really, dead giveaway. And a really good point to watch out for this behaviour from a suspected WS.
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post #26 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 10:11 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

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Funny thing is, we DID hang out. He came over a few weeks ago to our house. We watched some basketball. It was kind of awkward. So awkward that I eventually didn't want to be around anymore (it seemed like they wanted to talk) and I went to bed while they chatted some more for an hour or two.

Then last week he came to my birthday party at a bar. This time was a lot less awkward. From what I can tell he's actually a pretty nice guy.

My question is: if your husband is "hurting" for totally irrational feelings, is it still wrong of her?
Your feelings aren't irrational even if you are wrong.

“In thy foul throat thou liest.”
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post #27 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 10:19 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

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Originally Posted by williamjohnson View Post
I just confronted her. She had been asking me all weekend, "what's wrong?", but it turns out she knew exactly what was wrong. When I started the conversation, she rolled her eyes and said "I knew it was about this."

She told me that she is 100% committed to our marriage and our family, that she doesn't have feelings for him and has not engaged in any inappropriate communications with him, and that she would cut if off if that's what I wanted. She sounded genuine as she said these things.

She also said something to the effect of "I guess this means I can't have male friends," which makes me feel terrible b/c I do not want to be the jealous, controlling type who does not trust his wife. She also talked about how she doesn't have any close friends and that ever since we had the baby she's been yearning for personal time and space.

I guess now it's up to me to believe her and let the feelings of jealousy go. (This is hard to do at the moment.) I have not decided whether to ask her to stop being friends with this guy. What I feel now is still jealousy/anger, but now with a dose of guilt for having (improperly?) accused my wife of wrongdoing. Also a hint of embarrassment for having these emotions in the first place.
She said this because she knows she's been (somewhat) up to no good...tell her, 'No, you can't have male friends, not if it's going to make me feel like this.', show her that you are the priority here, not this friend.

Don't feel embarassed. You had every right to feel like this, and good for you for picking up on it so soon. I hope it's not gone too far...

Good luck!
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post #28 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 10:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

Part of me is thinking...I shouldn't tell her to stop what she's doing. It can be a test. If she stops on her own, I know she was sincere. If she still keeps up the friendship, then I know what she really wants. I dont want to be with someone who care more about someone else than me. I know some women would want me to "fight" for them, but I didn't sign up for fighting. I shouldn't have to fight.
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post #29 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 10:26 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

Your feelings aren't irrational.

A person's spouse and their feelings, should always come before a friend.
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post #30 of 80 (permalink) Old 02-27-2012, 10:30 AM
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Re: Worried my wife is cheating

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Part of me is thinking...I shouldn't tell her to stop what she's doing. It can be a test. If she stops on her own, I know she was sincere. If she still keeps up the friendship, then I know what she really wants. I dont want to be with someone who care more about someone else than me. I know some women would want me to "fight" for them, but I didn't sign up for fighting. I shouldn't have to fight.
I don't think she even realizes what she's doing...yet! Rarely, do people test their spouses this way. But either way, it's dangerous, and I suggest, as many others do, to do something about it now, before it gets even worse.
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