Trust me Shaggy I could talk forever about dogs. And when it comes to training, different techniques may need to be tried and explained. I train dogs as well. What works for one may not work for another. I did say he should check the texts and monitor them. An EA would be easy to start with someone who shares your passion
This is high level Shutzen work, narcotics detection, explosives. This isnt the normal sit/stay type family dog stuff. There really arent many females in the club, mostly Police and LE guys, and a few contract security companies.
The talk is about the dogs, and training, never hear them talk about just everyday stuff. She actually complains that the guy is such a jerk, control freak, anoying and she feels bad for his wife and she could never be with a guy like that. Seemed odd to me, that comment.
I am simply not interested in the hobby. It has been her passion for almost 3o years. I do show up once in a while at thier club or training grounds, but it really is pretty boring stuff for me. I am open to having individual hobbies and feel it is a good thing to have something of your own. I do ask how her session go and such to show an interest.
It just has bugged me the last few months, and hearing that the guys wife has mentioned the concern and somehow it got back to my wife this info makes me a tad bit more concerned. As in I must not be totally nuts.
I do hate to admit that I did check out her emails a few times. The PC somehow didnt log her out, and it was open. I didnt see anything other than normal stuff from girlfriends and stuff. There were only a few emails from him , and they were dog related things and no personal dialog. I felt pretty bad about snooping. Almost like we lost a great deal of faith in our marriage by doing so.
Thanks for the responses so far. Wasnt what I wanted to hear, but good information.
I have been running a bit of background on this, and appears what she tells me and where she is going is valid. Again, simply hurt that I am not the one providing her with the emotional support and or being her best friend.
Goes as far as me having dreams about this and her leaving the marriage. This whole thing has just been weighing on me and causing stress in my mind. I have never provided parameters for her or told her guidelines, almost feel doing so undermines the trust/assumption that one should have automatically in marriage.
After my wife had an EA and a ONS the thing I regretted the most was not listening to my gut. I'm not a naturally jealous person, so when the bells started ringing for me, I should have trusted myself.
You sound in the same boat. If you're not the jealous type, then that uneasiness in your stomach is nature's way of telling you that you better do something.
I'm not telling you your wife is cheating on you, but this guy is a threat to your marriage and you need to establish boundaries and have a good talk with your wife about what is and isn't acceptable. Read the signs of an EA and how to protect yourself from it.
Remember that up until someone actually cheats, no one expects it will happen to them. So don't go into the conversation thinking that your wife wants to bang other dudes. Affairs, especially EAs, start slowly from friendships and can sometimes take years to develop into inappropriate territory.
The guidelines posted above are good starting points:
1. Complete transparency with phone records, text messages, FB and email passwords, etc.
2. No relationship talk from either party, especially talk about relationship problems.
After my wife had an EA, I realize that any 1 on 1 talking consistently with someone is bad mojo. Chit chatting and what not is how people build relationships. I would also avoid any 1 on 1 situations with the opposite sex for anything outside of work. Means I would not be cool with my wife going out alone with a guy to lunch, dinner, recreational activities, etc.
Everyone's different but what's important is that you talk about it, set clear boundaries, and follow through with them on both sides (no double standards).
It's important to bring it up really delicately, not confrontational or accusatory. If you bring it up calmly, let her know that you have some concern, she should understand. The more defensive and accusatory she gets, the more involved the relationship is.
Also, you should use this as a good point to determine where your relationship is. Is she unhappy about anything? Does she miss the romance or chit chat? What is this guy fulfilling that you aren't?
Never feel bad about snooping. If the other person doesn't have anything to hide then they wouldn't care. If this one individual is bothering you then tell her. There might have been something your gut picked up on but the rest of you didn't. While it doesn't sound like an EA yet, since you checked you should end it now. If it's not an EA should shouldn't feel bad about doing something that would make you more comfortable.
She actually complains that the guy is such a jerk, control freak, anoying and she feels bad for his wife and she could never be with a guy like that. Seemed odd to me, that comment.
That's the kind of stuff my wife said about literally every guy she did inappropriate things with. The guy she had an EA with was ugly and she would never get with a guy like that. The guy she was trying to exchange naked pictures with was a c*cky a**hole who was ugly. The guy she slept with was disgusting and too short and a ****y jerk. The more I heard her talk about how she would NEVER go for "a guy like that" the more I realized she was just trying to lie to herself.
You have to know the difference between making an offhand comment, and protesting too much. From what you said, sounds like she is protesting too much. As someone else said, if he's that much of a douche, why is she so happy to talk to him.
And also, there's no secrets in a marriage. If you think your wife can't cheat, or that you can't cheat, you're being delusional. Don't think twice about checking her emails and texts and what not. A marriage where that stuff is secret is just asking for trouble. Trust, but verify.
I personaly have had bad experiences, multiable time with law enforcement with regards to my fWW. So I am going to be in the crowd that tells you to trust your gut.
Do your home work and research and above all else let it be known that you want a healthy marriage. Get involved some how, and infilttraite this group.
It sounds like your at the earily stages and by getting involved and taking no for an answer is the best way to curtale this from going deeper.
Again do what you need to do to get involved, investigate and know your "enemy". Just like in any battle there are stratigies that will work best for your sitch. Make a plan and work the plan. Assume nothing and trust no one.
All this sounds off the wall but stay on the down low and do what you need to do..... your marriage depends on it.
Some may thinks these tactics are over board, but there is noting over board about protecting your marriage. And to make one thing perfectly clear, if there is any time to be controlling it is now...control your marriage, do not let these cops (altra alpha males) manage a fragile marriage for their favor. They will and will alway justify it, no matter how street smart your W thinks she is, they will play on her niaveness and your beta persona that they work off of when dealing with "civilians".
Do not underestimate the mind of cops when it comes to getting laid.....becuase your wife will. Soon you will her your W say" I didn't mean it to happen it just did". These guys are just as much a preditor as any guy at any club.
Please be warn and now is not the time to be a "nice guy" but a confident, firm, and fair man that knows what he will tolorate and what his boundries are.
Walk softly but carrry a big stick by commanding respect and confirming your wifes loyality.
Nothing is more attractive then a alpha male. Nothing is more attractive to a cop then a women that is niave enough to think they "just want to be friends"
For the good cops out there I thank you, but I don't have to justify what you already know about the guys you work with.
If you take that approach you're going to be a "guerilla" for the rest of your marriage, which will probably not be long.
You need to bring it out in the open. Express the concern, and use it as a springboard to have a healthy conversation about boundaries, respect, and affair-proofing marriage. If two married people can't talk about that out in the open, there's little hope for long-term success.
Just going undercover isn't going to solve or fix anything, it will only allow him to pinpoint the exact time in which his wife wants to insert someone else's penis into her.
Guerilla tactics are necessary when you have the conversation, your wife isn't responsive, and she insists on violating boundaries. At that point, you are just waiting to collect evidence. Though at that point, the marriage is already in the death spiral...