Wife has a hobby of dog training, protection/drug stuff. There are a few guys in the group/club she has become friends with. Talk about training stuff, how they are doing with the dogs, seems like pretty much always related to the dogs. Sometimes meet and help each other with training and preparing for the next level tests.
Now, the guy is married and we have done dinner once of twice so we all have met. I know, that through my wife saying so in a casual manor that the guys wife did show concern about her husband and my wife talking, but I dont think it was a big deal. I am not the jelous type, and it didnt concern me at first.
So,these calls and texts seem to be quite frequent. Pretty much a few times a day. I hear her talking to him and it is typically the dog stuff.
This has started to bother me the last few months as when they talk she is always so upbeat and laughing or seem like she is enjoying the conversations. Background.... We do not text or talk much during the day. Maybe once every few days about an important item. It is something that I do miss/want, but my wife just doesnt seem to be one to engage with me via text/phone. I guess I feel like as the husband, I would like to be the one making my wife laugh and have her enjoy our conversations, not some other guy.
Again, I am not some jelous type, and am about 80% sure that she is not cheating, but isnt that the famous last words before you find out you were wrong?
So, Should I confront her on how I feel about this? I dont want to come across as a over bearing jelous type and have that backfire when there is nothing to be alarmed about.
This has really be burdening me lately and when we are together it seems like I get down when I hear her text alert or her talking.
Appreciate any insight, sometimes those closet are the blindest. She always complained in the past that all guys that she has befriended alwasy fell for her and it isnt worth being friends with guys.
If your wife is texting the other man more often per day than she is texting or calling you, then it is an innappropriate relationship....period.
You need to confront her gently and tell her you are not comfortable with this. If she gets angry, tells you that you are being unreasonable and controlling, then you will know something is up.
Yes, you need to have a frank and open discussion with her about this immediately. If both parties are interested an EA can develop too quickly to control. You are begining to see things that might become a problem and you have every right to talk to her about them. In another thread today I posted a list of boundaries. Here are some you can think about:
• Respect any gut feelings your spouse has regarding your opposite sex friends. Their opinion should matter more than the friendship and they can sometimes see stuff you can’t.
• Don’t escalate contact (in person, talk, phone, text, FB etc.). It should be no more than any of your same sex friends. If it keeps growing this is a sign of an EA.
• Don’t do things for opposite sex friends you don’t normally do for your same sex friends.
• Include your spouse in as many activities with friends as possible
• Say nothing that you can't say in front of your spouse
• No bad talking about either spouse. Don’t confide or unload emotionally about your spouse. Don’t become an ear to an opposite sex friends marriage problems. Keep that off limits.
• Minimize alone time
• No touching
• Transparency with communication. So secret email accounts or unknowable passwords. The understanding that we can ask for the info at anytime. We share passwords for email, facebook and other accounts.
The risk is real and I have female friends myself and before I knew what was happening I was starting down the road to an EA. But I listened to my wife’s gut and I was able to see what it was developing into before it was too late.
Thanks for the responses so far. Wasnt what I wanted to hear, but good information.
I have been running a bit of background on this, and appears what she tells me and where she is going is valid. Again, simply hurt that I am not the one providing her with the emotional support and or being her best friend.
Goes as far as me having dreams about this and her leaving the marriage. This whole thing has just been weighing on me and causing stress in my mind. I have never provided parameters for her or told her guidelines, almost feel doing so undermines the trust/assumption that one should have automatically in marriage.
I have been running a bit of background on this, and appears what she tells me and where she is going is valid. Again, simply hurt that I am not the one providing her with the emotional support and or being her best friend.
Goes as far as me having dreams about this and her leaving the marriage. This whole thing has just been weighing on me and causing stress in my mind. I have never provided parameters for her or told her guidelines, almost feel doing so undermines the trust/assumption that one should have automatically in marriage.
You need to be her best friend. If you have the feeling that you are not then it needs to be addressed stat! Have the talk now! It is all about your relationship and unless you get into it now it will be harder.
What would her reaction be if you had a really close woman friend?
if you understand it, you know what you're getting into...so then you can't say you didn't know Hard to play dumb when you're alreay aware.
That’s the insidious part about the EA. The fog (the feel good feeling from the neurochemicals like dopamine & oxytocin) makes the rewriting of history easier. One of the effects of oxytocin is to suppress and undo neural connections of other partners. This happens much more with PAs because oxytocin is released with orgasm but it explains why the DS starts rewriting their history.
Yea, but if you know what to look for, you can avoid situations.
Avoiding bad situations is good but trouble can come from situations that meet the boundaries as well. This is why it is sooo important to be tapped into the gut of your spouse (as long as they are not rug sweeping) and respect their warnings.
Having boundaries is not enough, you need to put your marriage first by respecting your spouses view regardless of how you feel.
Is dog training a hobby or a job? I love dogs. I rescue, train them then rehome them. It's more of a passion to me. When I talk to anybody about dogs, you can hear the passion in my voice. With that being said can you check and monitor her e-mails and texts. It could be that this particular dog he's working with needs a lot of help or he's a newbie and needs a lot of help learning. Check her texts to be sure. The reason I say to monitor her texts as well, is because he and she both have a strong interest together which could lead to an EA later if it didn't already.
Also, do you share this hobby with her? If not give it a try. It's very rewarding to train an animal.
(I can't resist. Still trying to train my husband 14 years later!)
Just joking! Don't send the hit men!
4Likes
Do I need to worry about this possible EA? 
Hard to play dumb when you're alreay aware.
