Originally Posted by njpca
She gets her validation from her counselor so pretty much all the time, I am the one in the wrong.
NJPCA, the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning. If your W is a HF BPDer, it would be difficult for a psychologist to diagnose her. (If she were low functioning, you would not have been dating her, much less marrying her.) Because BPDers are convinced they are victims, they typically go to therapy and complain bitterly about their spouses. It could take years for a psych to see the type of behaviors you see all week long.
Moreover, BPDers tend to be excellent actors because -- having only a fragile sense of who they are -- they've been acting (in order to fit in) ever since childhood. It therefore is a cakewalk for a BPDer to behave very normally during the 50 minute sessions held once a week.
How can any psychiatrist not make an effort to point out [her BPD traits] to her and help her.... If she truly holds so much of these traits, why has she never been diagnosed through all her problems?
As I said, it can be difficult to spot the BPD traits in a clinical setting when the client is a HF BPDer. Further, even when the traits are identified, there is very little chance that the therapist will tell the client (much less tell her husband). For HF BPDers, therapists are loath to list "BPD" as the diagnosis even when it is clearly warranted.
One reason is that they know the BPDer almost certainly will immediately quit therapy on hearing such a dreaded diagnosis. You've already seen that behavior in your W when she immediately quit the counselor who disagreed with her on one occasion.
A second reason is, in the unlikely event the client returns to therapy, giving her the name of her disorder can actually make her behavior much worse. Because a BPDer has a fragile self image, she is frequently relying on other people to ground her and give her a sense of self identity. This means that, if the therapist tells her she is "a BPDer," she may start exhibiting all 9 BPD traits instead of just 5 or 6.
A third reason is that therapists know that insurance companies usually refuse to cover BPD treatments. The standard practice, then, is to list the "diagnosis" instead as one of the side effects of BPD -- i.e., as anxiety, depression, PTSD, or adult ADHD.
I mention this because, if your W is a HF BPDer, there is very little chance you will ever hear about it from HER therapist. I say this after having spent a small fortune to take my exW to six different psychologists -- none of whom ever mentioned "BPD." The closest they ever came to telling me the true diagnosis was one psych who, on my insistence, conceded she has "a thought disorder." The psych my exW saw for the last 5 years of our marriage always refused to tell me the diagnosis, claiming that she believed "labels are not useful."
Remember, NJPCA, your W's therapist is not your friend.
Like an attorney, he is ethically bound to protect his sick client -- even if you occasionally attend the sessions with your W. Hence, relying on her therapist's
advice during the marriage is as foolish as relying on her attorney's
advice during a divorce.
This is why I've been encouraging you to read about BPD traits so you are able to spot all the red flags. And this is why I suggest you see your own
psychologist -- for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. If you would like to read more about BPD traits on this forum, NJPCA, please follow the link I provided above.