My wife had a brief sexual affair last summer. When I found out, I demanded No Contact and marriage counseling. She immediately agreed and expressed remorse, and I believe that there has been NC with OM since. Counseling seemed to help us for about the first six months or so. I realized that I had been a bigger jerk at times during our marriage than I had thought, and I found myself unknowlingly implementing most of Plan A in an effort to do my part to improve the relationship. She had been making some noticeable effort, too, although it didn't seem to be as much as I had been hoping for. Still, progress is progress.
A few months ago, stuff started hitting the fan again. Not infidelity, but just a general unwillingness to work through problems like civilized folks - lots of yelling, defensiveness, sarcasm, shutting down, etc. Frankly, I'm getting tired of it, and I think my tolerance for this crap is nearing an end, though I would very much still like to reconcile with my wife.
In desparation, I started searching the Internet for advice, and I discovered the 180 and MAP. I've instituted a combination 180 Lite/MAP, and she has definitely taken notice, but is understandably confused. Now on to the real question:
This weeken she planned, without consulting me at all, a home improvement project that will require the better part of half a day to complete. She just announced it casually a couple of days ago, in a sort of "I'm getting ready for <the project> this weekend." She has not asked for my help at all, although I'm certain she will be expecting it. I don't have any objections to the project itself or my participation on any other grounds other than her lack of regard for me by not asking. This seems like it could be a fitness test. A blunt refusal to participate will no doubt be met with much hostility. Keeping in mind both the fragile state of the marriage and my desire to Alpha up while not abandoning the Beta, what is your recommended course of action?
__________________ The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?
OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
I would do something I wished to do and let her have her project alone. She is responsible for her actions.
If she decided to ask for help, cross that bridge when it happens.
Thanks. That was more or less going to be my default plan.
Rather than waiting for "if she asks" bridge to appear, however, I'm trying to develop a plan for how to address it if/when (more likely when) it does. Asking me this evening in a kind and respectful manner seems to merit an "okay" in response. Acting like a witch about it at 6:00 A.M. because I haven't yet volunteered... not so much.
What’s up with just asking if she’d like some help? Be ok with whatever she comes back with. Help if she wants it, do your own thing if she doesn’t.
In a way I think it essentially good that you have a wife who takes the initiative, something you can go along with to help her with. It’s not like she’s sitting on her butt like a couch potato or something.
I would calmly tell her that you are disappointed that she did not discuss this project with you. Marriage means joint decisions and open communication. Think of an example of how she would be hurt if you made a unilateral decision and did not discuss it with her.
What’s up with just asking if she’d like some help? Be ok with whatever she comes back with. Help if she wants it, do your own thing if she doesn’t.
Hmm. I had considered that but... but... well, I don't know. It just seems weak, somehow. Understand that I cannot come up with any real logical rationale with which to back that up.
It is true, I guess, that she hasn't (yet) overtly tried to manipulate me into helping out. I guess I just resent the idea that she is almost certainly expecting me to.
All of that being said, I suppose I wouldn't lose any face by asking her if she wanted help in this instance - it does put the initiative in my hands.
I would calmly tell her that you are disappointed that she did not discuss this project with you. Marriage means joint decisions and open communication. Think of an example of how she would be hurt if you made a unilateral decision and did not discuss it with her.
I would not help her with it.
You are of course correct, that’s the way it should be. In my marriage I was the one who initiated just about everything to do with home improvements, including deciding when new curtains were needed, how much money to spend on them, where to buy them, driving there etc. My wife although very much part of the decision making process re colours, design and textures was mainly a passenger in these things. In that she just never initiated and left it up to me. Hence my “Hey join in, you have an initiator as a wife!”.
But I still say join in and make it a fun occasion as much as possible. Work as a team on the project and when the timing is right mention that next time round he’d really like to be involved at the earliest opportunity.
That’s what happens. Initiators, well they initiate and then they lead what they have initiated. I think in life one is mainly a leader or a follower but all part of a team.
__________________ The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?
OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
She's been arguing and acting generally hostile for a while now. Most of the time she essentially tells you what to do and you do it. Now you've started running the MAP and she's noticed. How can you not know this is a fitness test? She is digging to see how far and how committed you are to this new attitude.
Example:
One day my wife came to me and yelled that I hadn't done something she needed me to do. Never mind that she didn't ask me. She just assumed that I not only should know that it needed to be done but that I'd jump up and do it because I should also know that she wanted it done as well.
Old me: Oh I'm so sorry. I'll do it right now.
Result: Attraction and respect -1
New me: Who are you taking to? It can't be me because I'm an adult not a two year old child. Come to think of it you shouldn't speak to a two year old child like that either. Come back and talk to me when you've composed yourself and can speak to me in a respectful manner.
Result: She fumed for a few hours then came to me and apologized for going off on me. Attraction and respect +1
Oh and we had great sex that night.
Edit: If she asks in a reasonable manner you can assist her if you think you should but make sure to mention that you do not appreciate her scheduling this project without your input and it will be the last time you help her if she continues to be inconsiderate.
Thanks. That was more or less going to be my default plan.
Rather than waiting for "if she asks" bridge to appear, however, I'm trying to develop a plan for how to address it if/when (more likely when) it does. Asking me this evening in a kind and respectful manner seems to merit an "okay" in response. Acting like a witch about it at 6:00 A.M. because I haven't yet volunteered... not so much.
Additional thoughts, comments, remarks, anyone?
When she asks with some annoyance at your failure to jump when she commands, tell her that making promises or commitments of your time and effort without bother to consult you first is a not just a no go, but that it is disrespectful to you, and that you will not honor such. Then tell her that if she needs you to do something (as opposed to doing it herself), then she needs to treat you like a partner first and always. Might be worth pointing out how it would be if the roles were reversed, and how you don't do that because of the above.
Be firm.
Don't be afraid to annoy her.
If she does get annoyed, just leave and let her stew
And afterwords, stand firm on the issue of respect due you.
Hmm. I had considered that but... but... well, I don't know. It just seems weak, somehow. Understand that I cannot come up with any real logical rationale with which to back that up.
It is true, I guess, that she hasn't (yet) overtly tried to manipulate me into helping out. I guess I just resent the idea that she is almost certainly expecting me to.
All of that being said, I suppose I wouldn't lose any face by asking her if she wanted help in this instance - it does put the initiative in my hands.
Maybe ask yourself the question “Why haven’t I filled my weekend with things to do?”.
Don’t you have your time booked for the weekend? Golf, tennis, fishing etc.
Or why aren’t you the one who’s initiated a home improvement project? Why are you leaving it up to your wife?
How would you classify your personality? Are you proactive or reactive for example. If you are mainly reactive then you will either be a follower or you’ll put dampers on others initiatives.
Don’t want the same thing to happen again? Then initiate home improvement projects and include your wife in the way you’d have liked her to include you. And get busy over the weekends booking things you enjoy doing so you’re not just there at your wife’s beck and call.
Ask her if she is expecting you to help? If she says...Uh duh, yeah..
then ask her why she hasn't asked you yet.
Tell her you thought she was warning you to stay out of the house most of the weekend & that she was gonna hire the kid down the street... or something like that....
you just didn't know how long of plans you need to make to stay out of her way... "if that's what she wanted".
If you really want to reconcile and have a marriage, you need to approach this as if you were dating her or as if she was your best friend. Best friends and people who are dating want to be with each other. They don't see something like this as a burden but, rather, as an opportunity to be together. If you were trying to date and woo her, would you go about that by trying to annoy her or distance yourself from her? The most alpha males I've ever known as role models were strong enough to make their wives and children their priorities. That's not a sign of weakness. Perhaps it is some kind of test. I think that showing enthusiasm for being together and doing something together is the way to pass it. Posted via Mobile Device
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Fitness test, or... ? Need advice soon. 
