Last night we spoke. She needed to run some errands about an hour away from where we live. I work at home so I offered her to keep the baby with me, but explained to her that I wouldn't be able to do it for too long (we spoke about 3 hours shopping plus 2 hours traveling).
Then, of course, instead of leaving at 9:30 she is leaving at 11. I am furious and don't hide it (I should have acted differently but those type of things drive the heck out of me! I am always planning ahead). First she just got stuck in a conversation while dropping off the other kid at school. Then she had to do some stuff on the phone.
When I know that I have to go somewhere, and that I have to be back at a certain time, I plan ahead. I know the night before what time I'd like to leave, make all of the preps etc.
But she just believe that somehow it's going to be okay, ends up leaving late every time.
It just seems to me that she is not so connected to realty. Like not really realizing how long things are actually taking.
Then I get really really mad, then she starts yelling back and well we are both in a very bad mood.
I shouldn't offer those offers anymore! I am trying to do her a favor and I end up just worse off than I was before!!!
Oh, and of course she wants me to call whoever can give a ride back from school since she won't be back at time. Again, part of the problem is her lack of planning ahead. We could have discussed it last night, and decided to arrange a ride (or to make sure she would be back on time for pick up).
It just seems to me that she is not so connected to realty. Like not really realizing how long things are actually taking.
Yes, that's exactly what is going on. She always thinks things won't take as long as they do, she always underestimates the time.
While she might get better at this, it's more likely that you need to accept that's who she is and how she is and YOU plan accordingly. One of my friends is married to a chronically time-challenged woman, and he gets that she will always be late, will always underestimate how long things take. So he plans for it. He tells her she needs to be somewhere 30 minutes before she has to be there, or he just accepts she'll be late and plans to get there late himself or gets there early and has a book or his computer or whatever to tide him over.
In a situation like the one with the shopping, he would have known there was no way she'd be out the door when she thought she would, and he'd have known it would take her longer to shop than she said. So he would not have agreed to care for the baby unless he could do so after taking into account what was more likely to happen than her being totally punctual. He would have suggested other child care arrangements or set it up for another day when he did have the time.
My friend and his wife are very happy with 3 kids - never would have made it if he hadn't accepted that her behavior is not malicious, just how her brain is wired, and accommodating for it. She just can't manage time, like others can't quite grasp math and balancing checkbooks, or cooking, or technology.
You are right! This is what I need to do. I have to STOP expect her to be at the time she promises and should have not offered to help!
When it comes to events like parties, I am used to it and I don't care so much anymore (I used to go crazy because of it). But when it affects me in a major way (like not being able to work) I go crazy still.
I hear you.. my wife is one of those 'always late' types and it makes me crazy a little. I dont mean always late in a hyperbolic, fuzzy little way. I mean... ALWAYS, always, always - bank-on-it late and seemingly frazzled when it comes to getting places.
I on the other hand, am the opposite. Always on time - it makes me crazy if I am late... so you can see it generates a little friction.
First - I would say - lighten up. If you need a hard schedule - define it like you did, its all you can do.
Its hard enough with the baby.. both of you trying to do other things and work and schedule and you know... take a shower once in a while and sleep and eat ... so when she does her thing and leaves you hanging for a couple extra hours, it can feel like she simply doesnt care. I assure you, she does care - but she is a walking trainwreck. I know, right?
What I suggest it to let it slide, but make time for you as well. Balance it a bit... have her watch the baby and go outside and work i the garden for an hour, or work on your '65 vette, or get some work done..whatever. The point is - its had so you both need to simply do your best. It gets easier, but dont let 'the little things' consume your brain. And (trust me here) try and offer her time too..without her asking for it. "hey honey - I'll watch the baby for an hour or 2 if you need to get out of the house for a while....go...". Some of that can help her catch op on the things she does need to do so its not a 'gigantic trip' and a disaster once a month.
Yeah - I say it is a little thing in the grand scheme. Remind her how important it is to you when it seems like she is simply not even paying you the courtesy of meeting an agreement... but I bet what is really happening is that she trusts you, feels comfortable with, and allows herself a little extra wiggle room, because its you. She should at least call if she is late.
Planning ahead? Laugh... dont hold your breath. My wife has been that way for 25 years... I have learned to accept it to some degree. She will wait to get ready when we are going somewhere until "I" start getting ready. Problem is, I am done in 30 minutes and she ...well.... isnt. She also gets sidetracked needing to to 20 other little things aound the house before she can relax and go... (close the shades, shut off lights, give the cat a treat, put a dish in the dishwasher, I dont know... change a freaking lightbulb (now?) etc, etc...)
Wow. What is the big deal? You are a dad, not a babysitter. She could leave the kid with you all day if she needed to...you wouldn't be doing her any favors. that's parenthood.
talk about sweatin' the petty stuff O.o Throwing a fit over this? And why does she need to drive an hour to run errands? three hour errands? dang.
I understand being frustrated, but if she is this way, fighting about it won't help. Just know that when she says 9, she means 11...or whatever.
I'm a punctual person and so I 'get it'. But don't act like you're doing her a favor by watching your own child.
Hey anotherguy, loved the way you describe it. Yes, it is a little annoyance and should be treated as such! The problem is that I feel whenever I tell her "I will watch the baby for an hour" it's becoming 4 hours, which I resent greatly, and she doesn't understand what makes me so upset.
I guess I should tell her "honey, go out for 10 minutes I will watch the baby"
I was with you UNTIL this last sentence. The female species is NOT just wired differently. YOUR WIVES are wired differently.
I am always on time, I take about 40 minutes to get ready (that's with a shower and straightening my hair), and I HATE lateness. if a friend says, 10 and i don't hear from them by 10:20, I will leave. Time is valuable.
My friend is always late. "Fashionably late". He drove me crazy and I know now that when he says "I'll be there at 7", it's actually 8. Maybe 8:30. I called him on it a few times, but it's just how he is. He feels bad, but it's kinda scatterbrained. I don't make plans with him anymore because I no longer have lounge time to wait for him to show up.
Hey anotherguy, loved the way you describe it. Yes, it is a little annoyance and should be treated as such! The problem is that I feel whenever I tell her "I will watch the baby for an hour" it's becoming 4 hours, which I resent greatly, and she doesn't understand what makes me so upset.
I guess I should tell her "honey, go out for 10 minutes I will watch the baby"
So you feel taken advantage of. Maybe she needs a break? Does she get breaks?
Hey anotherguy, loved the way you describe it. Yes, it is a little annoyance and should be treated as such! The problem is that I feel whenever I tell her "I will watch the baby for an hour" it's becoming 4 hours, which I resent greatly, and she doesn't understand what makes me so upset.
I guess I should tell her "honey, go out for 10 minutes I will watch the baby"
Know that when you say an hour it will be 4 and don't make the offer if you can't do it for 4 hours because of work. Then you won't resent the effect her issue has on your schedule.
I was with you UNTIL this last sentence. The female species is NOT just wired differently. YOUR WIVES are wired differently.
I am always on time, I take about 40 minutes to get ready (that's with a shower and straightening my hair), and I HATE lateness. if a friend says, 10 and i don't hear from them by 10:20, I will leave. Time is valuable.
My friend is always late. "Fashionably late". He drove me crazy and I know now that when he says "I'll be there at 7", it's actually 8. Maybe 8:30. I called him on it a few times, but it's just how he is. He feels bad, but it's kinda scatterbrained. I don't make plans with him anymore because I no longer have lounge time to wait for him to show up.
It's not just females. But nice try.
Huh. You caugh me. Sorta.
Here is my defense... I maintain the female species is indeed "wired differently''. I did not say they are always late.
What I meant was frequently, what is important to one partner is not the same for the other in all respects. Im not backpeddaling... just trying to be clear..people are different.
Here is my defense... I maintain the female species is indeed "wired differently''. I did not say they are always late.
What I meant was frequently, what is important to one partner is not the same for the other in all respects. Im not backpeddaling... just trying to be clear..people are different.
uh huh.
I know what you said. And what you thought you meant. *snark*
Punctuality is something children are taught from their parents. Or not taught. Male or female it doesn't matter.
Your wives are late people. They'd show up late to their own funerals. people like that DRIVE ME INSANE, especially when they're effing with my time.
But to the OP, if you know she's like this, why do you offer at all? And if she's not going to be there to get the other child, that is HER issue to make arrangements.
Sounds to me like she just wanted to escape today. Be a woman and not a mom. It happens..
But you wrote it in context to women being late...because your wives are late.
but who cares...this is about the OPs issues. I never said women and men aren't wired differently, but tardiness is about RUDENESS and INCONSIDERATION. not because we're women.
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My wife's time issues 
Re: My wife's time issues 
Do you guys live in the boonies which makes it necessary to drive an hour to do something?
Your wives are late people. They'd show up late to their own funerals. people like that DRIVE ME INSANE, especially when they're effing with my time.
