I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this, but I feel like I need to do something and I don't know what it is.
I don't have time to give a ton of backstory, so I'll start with my feeling of urgency. I believe my wife is going to try to meet up today with a male friend of hers without telling me, and it's making me very anxious.
Up until the past week or so, she has been very, very open about her communications with this person. They used to work in the same building but have moved from acquaintances to friends since he quit (several months ago). They haven't seen each other since then so their communication since has all been by Facebook, text, or telephone.
I believe I've seen all of it (except for today), and there hasn't been anything I should really be suspicious of. They don't really flirt and she never shares any feelings or details about our marriage. The main things they talk about are music and his former relationship (I think she genuinely worries that he's depressed). He seems pretty apathetic towards meeting with her, but he's generally an odd guy and hard to read.
She even told me that last week they'd talked about meeting up because he misinterpreted something she said as an invitation to get together. I have told her in the past that I don't want her to meet him without my knowing ahead of time (she assured me that would never happen). I also told her this weekend that I'd like to meet the guy first--she teased me about being a "dad."
So why am I suspicious? Because something about this guy seems to interest her more than her other friends. They seem to have some weird chemistry. She doesn't text him that much, but it's more than anyone besides me. She's more active with him on Facebook than with her other friends (as far as comments, posts, and occasional messages), though it's not a lot.
I don't mind if she has interesting and engaging friends. It's just that this friend in particular has her more engaged than I'm comfortable with, even though I've seen no evidence of anything inappropriate...really ever.
So I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I've set my boundaries, but if she does it anyway...what then? I guess I'm questioning whether my boundaries are reasonable, or if I'm just overreacting to the chemistry.
Have any of you been suspicious about a friend of your spouse despite no evidence of a problem? How did it turn out?
Awww, you're jealous! Thats awesome and so nice to hear. It's totally normal for you to be acting like this, I would!
I think you should straight up ask her and tell her exactly what you're feeling. If she is sneaking around, she'll become defensive and angry. If she's not, she'll be sympathetic and assure you or even stop seeing the guy.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this, but I feel like I need to do something and I don't know what it is.
I don't have time to give a ton of backstory, so I'll start with my feeling of urgency. I believe my wife is going to try to meet up today with a male friend of hers without telling me, and it's making me very anxious.
Up until the past week or so, she has been very, very open about her communications with this person. They used to work in the same building but have moved from acquaintances to friends since he quit (several months ago). They haven't seen each other since then so their communication since has all been by Facebook, text, or telephone.
I believe I've seen all of it (except for today), and there hasn't been anything I should really be suspicious of. They don't really flirt and she never shares any feelings or details about our marriage. The main things they talk about are music and his former relationship (I think she genuinely worries that he's depressed). He seems pretty apathetic towards meeting with her, but he's generally an odd guy and hard to read.
She even told me that last week they'd talked about meeting up because he misinterpreted something she said as an invitation to get together. I have told her in the past that I don't want her to meet him without my knowing ahead of time (she assured me that would never happen). I also told her this weekend that I'd like to meet the guy first--she teased me about being a "dad."
So why am I suspicious? Because something about this guy seems to interest her more than her other friends. They seem to have some weird chemistry. She doesn't text him that much, but it's more than anyone besides me. She's more active with him on Facebook than with her other friends (as far as comments, posts, and occasional messages), though it's not a lot.
I don't mind if she has interesting and engaging friends. It's just that this friend in particular has her more engaged than I'm comfortable with, even though I've seen no evidence of anything inappropriate...really ever.
So I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I've set my boundaries, but if she does it anyway...what then? I guess I'm questioning whether my boundaries are reasonable, or if I'm just overreacting to the chemistry.
Have any of you been suspicious about a friend of your spouse despite no evidence of a problem? How did it turn out?
Sorry, but I don't see any evidence of your setting any boundaries at all, here, other than telling her you don't like it. Boundaries have to be a lot firmer than just saying you're uncomfortable with something. Be CLEAR. Even then, be prepared for her not to 'get it'...trust me. I know!
What does the Bull do when one of the other males moves in?
He lowers his head and charges.
If your wife is meeting someone, and you are uncomfortable, stop it immediately. Call her and tell her to come home or go where they are meeting and break it up. Don't try and sugar coat it, don't worry about hurt feelings, don't worry about making a scene. Stand your ground or get chased off.
Or you can wait and then post in the infidelity section next.
__________________ The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?
OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
I'm not worried about my wife cheating... ever. In my case I go out of my way to not even raise doubt in my wife's mind that anything I do would lead to an affair. I don't want her spending even a moment worrying if I'm being unfaithful.
I think that's a good policy for all married folks... but that's just me.
So if she's doing something that causes you concern, talk to her about it.
What does the Bull do when one of the other males moves in?
He lowers his head and charges.
If your wife is meeting someone, and you are uncomfortable, stop it immediately. Call her and tell her to come home or go where they are meeting and break it up. Don't try and sugar coat it, don't worry about hurt feelings, don't worry about making a scene. Stand your ground or get chased off.
Based on a gut feeling? I guess I'd feel a lot better doing that if I had something more than pure jealousy to go on. I have told her how I feel about this guy, and again she's been very open up to this point. (More practically I have no idea if or where they're going to meet. Just a hunch because she sent him a text this morning and has some free time this week.)
I guess that begs my original question (which maybe I didn't ask clearly): how do you know if your boundaries are appropriate?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Candiegirl
Sorry, but I don't see any evidence of your setting any boundaries at all, here, other than telling her you don't like it. Boundaries have to be a lot firmer than just saying you're uncomfortable with something. Be CLEAR. Even then, be prepared for her not to 'get it'...trust me. I know!
I'm not sure how to be more firm than to say, "I don't want you to meet with this person without telling me first." Are you just saying I should throw consequences in there as well (like emb suggested above)? I guess the other thing about meeting the guy was more vague, but that's exactly because I wasn't sure if it was appropriate.
The problem is that I know for sure that I could go have coffee with a female friend alone. Without evidence to the contrary, I should be able to trust my wife that far as well. It's just that her relationship with this particular guy makes me nervous...
Yep, trust your gut, it is telling you something and is very seldom wrong. Better to be embarrassed by overreacting, than cuckolded for not reacting.
I'm not sure how to be more firm than to say, "I don't want you to meet with this person without telling me first."
Try this: "I don't want you to meet with this person."
"If you do, I will feel that it is a violation of the trust we have in each other, as well as an innappropriate action within our marriage." "Should you decide to go forward, against my wishes, I will treat our marriage going forward as broken"
You don't let other foxes in your hen house, ever.
__________________ The first question should always be, "If it's that bad, why are you still there?
OK, you screwed up, it happens. Now apologize. But apologize just once. Make it loud, clear, short, to the point, and directly to those you trespassed against. Then move on.
I don't meet with female friends without my wife and in fact I have few female friends. Most men and women cannot be friends without experiencing sexual tension. I said most. Tell her to come clean and mean it.
I'm not criticising, but I notice frequently on this site that men will frame their boundary discussions with their wife as though it were a diplomatic discussion between two sovereign nations. You fear being accused of going beyond some practical guildelines you've established, with rules that would fit equally well with a partner in business. Rule # 1 - don't talk to the competitor without my approval. Rule # 2 - anything else you do is none of my business.
Let me ask you this. If your wife suspected that you were secretly setting up a date (not romantic) with another woman, after there was a misunderstanding where that woman might have thought you were signalling your willingness to take things to the next level, would she really worry about coming across as controlling? If she had already been direct about not being comfortable with your relationship with this woman, and she now suspected more, would she really be afraid of not respecting your right to see who you wanted to see?
For most people, when we marry, we recognize that this committment symbolizes so much more than just two people who share a home. It is a deliberate committment to foster support and love for each other, and a deliberate committment to realease certain rights to intimate relationships with others. Many women will expect her husband to be passionate about certain things that distinguish him from her lady friends. He will be her passionate protector. He can be jealous of anything that tries to take her away from that marriage goal.
I feel like you've allowed yourself to feel cornered into a position of weakness. The moment my wife utters a sarcastic comment about me trying to be her dad, personally, I would remind her that we don't have the luxury of being both committed to marriage and committed to living independently of each other's feelings. Sorry, but that is the way marriage is. A mature man will not pull out the jealousy card without genuine feelings of concern. She can either choose to stand for the marriage and help you allay those concerns, or take a stand for her independence. In my opinion, a mature man will also not feel like he has to resort to common rules of diplomacy when it comes to his role as a man in the marriage. I say this because it has been my observation that many women are very comfortable in their role as a mature woman, and could care less about diplomacy if another woman is moving in on her husband.
Keep in mind that if this other man did received what he thought to be mixed signals from your wife, he is not going to approach her from a position of insecurity. Your wife will see one man who is approaching her with confidence, with no regard for your marriage, and another man who is fearful of being passionate about what their marriage means.
Simply put, based on what you have said before, I would say that you have every right to tell her that, given the miscommunication between them, if she seeks out any contact with him alone, she'll be letting you know how she views the marriage in contrast to what it used to stand for. In the nature of our careers, my wife and I both have casual friendships of the opposite sex, but there is 100% transparency and respect for the other's feelings when one of us has doubts.
Halien, that was a really thoughtful and insightful post. Thank you.
I should clarify a couple things, though. First, I've seen no indication that this man has a romantic interest in my wife. I'm not naive enough to think it wouldn't develop, or that he would take advantage of an opportunity if she presented it. But doesn't seem to be pursuing her in this way at all--and I'm very, very sensitive to that at this point.
Second, this misunderstanding wasn't quite like what you've described. He didn't misinterpret her as wanting to take things to the next level--he just thought she was suggesting that they meet in person. In fact, since they brought it up, he's been pretty offish and very noncommittal about actually meeting.
They didn't actually meet up yesterday, and as far as I know haven't communicated since then. I'm still going to look for an opportunity to talk to my wife about this, and do it in a stronger way.
It's tough trying to balance the alpha, strong husband role with my desire to respect and trust her. Expressing "concern" or "worry" seems kind of weak when you have no evidence of anything improper.
Halien, that was a really thoughtful and insightful post. Thank you.
I should clarify a couple things, though. First, I've seen no indication that this man has a romantic interest in my wife. I'm not naive enough to think it wouldn't develop, or that he would take advantage of an opportunity if she presented it. But doesn't seem to be pursuing her in this way at all--and I'm very, very sensitive to that at this point.
Second, this misunderstanding wasn't quite like what you've described. He didn't misinterpret her as wanting to take things to the next level--he just thought she was suggesting that they meet in person. In fact, since they brought it up, he's been pretty offish and very noncommittal about actually meeting.
They didn't actually meet up yesterday, and as far as I know haven't communicated since then. I'm still going to look for an opportunity to talk to my wife about this, and do it in a stronger way.
It's tough trying to balance the alpha, strong husband role with my desire to respect and trust her. Expressing "concern" or "worry" seems kind of weak when you have no evidence of anything improper.
Sorry for the misunderstanding. Too often, I think we as men approach boundary issues in a way that makes our wife think its an "my way versus her way" issue. In that light, it would seem too alpha, and not caring enough about her ability to make decisions if you frame it that way. I think both parthers have to frame it instead as a discussion of actions/motives that support our shared vision for the marriage versus those actions/motives that do not. Within this mindset, I don't think we should apologize for responding directly. My wife and I learned to frame our boundary discussions around this verbage. For example, does the way she handles this relationship with him support our hopes and goals for the marriage? Does it hurt it? It comes a little more natural, possibly, because part of my upbringing, and our marriage itself was based on a native american concept that the marriage is a living, combined spirit.
Based on a gut feeling? I guess I'd feel a lot better doing that if I had something more than pure jealousy to go on. I have told her how I feel about this guy, and again she's been very open up to this point. (More practically I have no idea if or where they're going to meet. Just a hunch because she sent him a text this morning and has some free time this week.)
I guess that begs my original question (which maybe I didn't ask clearly): how do you know if your boundaries are appropriate?
I'm not sure how to be more firm than to say, "I don't want you to meet with this person without telling me first." Are you just saying I should throw consequences in there as well (like emb suggested above)? I guess the other thing about meeting the guy was more vague, but that's exactly because I wasn't sure if it was appropriate.
The problem is that I know for sure that I could go have coffee with a female friend alone. Without evidence to the contrary, I should be able to trust my wife that far as well. It's just that her relationship with this particular guy makes me nervous...
Well, that's just it...it can't be just about 'this guy', it has to be about every guy. And it really should go both ways. IE, even though you THINK you can go for coffee with a woman; you shouldn't. Otherwise your wife will use it as ammunition against you.
I've been thinking a lot about boundaries because of things going on in my own marriage. It was suggested to me that I actually write them down and show my husband, because he is having a bit of difficulty recognizing what is and what is not OK with respect to boundaries. At first, I thought it would be too much like a set of rules. But the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. Unless we, as a couple define what we're unwilling to accept, the boundaries will be useless.
Oh, and OP - your wife telling you first is ineffective; she shouldn't be partaking in outings with any members of the opposite sex.
But I don't believe that's true. I'm not one who thinks any friendship with the opposite sex is a problem--it is all situational. Close friendships can lead to trouble, sure, but that's not what this is at all. Not yet, anyway.
Maybe that's the whole problem--I'm trying to find a boundary that only applies to one person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CandieGirl
Unless we, as a couple define what we're unwilling to accept, the boundaries will be useless.
This, along with the consequences part, are right on. Most of the discussion of boundaries has been in a specific context, and we've never really established anything formal. Maybe that's the simple discussion we need to have: "what are you OK with, what am I OK with, and what is unacceptable?"
But I don't believe that's true. I'm not one who thinks any friendship with the opposite sex is a problem--it is all situational. Close friendships can lead to trouble, sure, but that's not what this is at all. Not yet, anyway.
Maybe that's the whole problem--I'm trying to find a boundary that only applies to one person.
This, along with the consequences part, are right on. Most of the discussion of boundaries has been in a specific context, and we've never really established anything formal. Maybe that's the simple discussion we need to have: "what are you OK with, what am I OK with, and what is unacceptable?"
I understand what you're saying; but if this is 'allowed' (for lack of a better word!), what if some other guy comes along who actually is interested? Then, you'll get "Well, you didn't have a problem with it when it was so and so...". That's what I'd worry about.
For us, I don't want H to have any female friends that are not friends of OURS. And even that has come back to bite me in the ass. Simpler just to kibosh any type of friendship with OpSex, natural exceptions such as business or couple friends excluded IN MOST CASES.
But that's just me. I'm really not very trusting, and usually (unfortunately) with good reason.
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Friends and boundaries 
