I do housework. Even though I am the main breadwinner, my wife does work. Never made any lists of who does what. Kinda evolved over the years. I take care of the kitchen. She washes clothes. I take trash out. Etc. And this is not written in blood. I have to work over a bunch and dishes start piling up, she will wash them.(In dishwasher) Same for me if she falls behind.
Nothing wrong with stay at home wife doing all the housework. But if wife works, she needs help around the house. Pretty simple.
When i was married, I was not the type of guy who liked piddling with projects in the basement or garage, and I had a lot more time off from my job than my x; therefore, I took it upon myself to do a lot of chores. I did the lawn and laundry. I took a major role in diaper changes and feeding when the kids were young. I would estimate the house cleaning and cooking was evenly split.
Some feel, however, that my x might have seen this as not the sexiest thing in town. It certainly didn't carry any weight when she decided she was "no longer happy" and wanted a divorce. I guess some women like the guy to pitch in and some don't.
When i was married, I was not the type of guy who liked piddling with projects in the basement or garage, and I had a lot more time off from my job than my x; therefore, I took it upon myself to do a lot of chores. I did the lawn and laundry. I took a major role in diaper changes and feeding when the kids were young. I would estimate the house cleaning and cooking was evenly split.
Some feel, however, that my x might have seen this as not the sexiest thing in town. It certainly didn't carry any weight when she decided she was "no longer happy" and wanted a divorce. I guess some women like the guy to pitch in and some don't.
I think there's a difference between wanting men to acknowledge the hard work women do around the house (which would include contributing some effort toward housework himself), and men actually doing an equal amount of work. My wife's friends talked about this because the ones who had husbands who did a truly equal amount of work saw it as a turn off over time. I learned this the hard way early in our marriage when my wife basically laughed at me for doing too much housework. Well that won't be a problem again. I think some women want us to contribute but never to try and be equals in the domestic sphere. Which is fine with me.
I remember an author from The Atlantic writing a few years back (2009?) about her affair and subsequent divorce from her husband of many years. One of her chief complaints was that instead of being a stereotypical male who sat on the couch and then jumped her later that night, he spent way too much time being the "perfect" husband in the kitchen. She wound up calling him the "kitchen b--ch" or something like that. In other words, he took her seriously when she said she wanted an equal partnership when it came to housework and paid the price for it. She was confused by her own behavior but felt it was real.
Anyway, I respect those husbands and wives who have equally divided the work at home and in parenting, but it would never work for us, and that was my wife's decision. She likes that I help out some, but that's it.
My husband will sometimes do dishes after supper. The rest is left up to me. Since I'm disabled, I can not carry heavy things or bring the baskets up. Hubby does that.
I don't mind at all doing the brunt of the cleaning. I use to get help from my oldest daughter, but she's rarely home.
I like a clean house. I clean everyday as much as I can on top of taking care of our animals. Life is good!
I never expect hubby to clean anything, but the garage. Just because I can not lift heavy things. I use to clean the garage and yard work as well.
My husband works very hard bringing food to the table(does 100% of shopping).
It literally takes me all day to clean since I need to rest in between. I do not mind at all. I have a nice system that works well.
Gotta ask fern.... Did your wife ever take over any of those manly ‘dark ages’ chores? Or did she just split half the traditional womanly ‘dark ages’ daily house keeping chores over to you? .... Split them all and teach her to do that plumbing; She can do those ‘manly’ things too...
Btw; Another marriage trap that plays into this. Expectations. How my wife sees things is in a perspective of what is left to do. Since there is always something left to do regardless of how hard you ‘work’, she only can perceive in terms of failure. Three kids... a spotless room will be filthy in less than a day.. Sometimes just minutes. No matter where you look, there will be something to clean; Always. There is no way for her to see me as anything but failing her and herself as a failure (as long as she is able to accept blame that is... lol... otherwise it is all your fault). It is a rigged game when you play it that way.
If I spent all my time daily chore type cleaning, maybe the pool would turn green, that floor stain wouldn’t be shampooed out or her car floors would be sticky or the grass would die in the corner... any of those and I’m still a failure in her eyes. It never ended until I refused to play her game anymore and force new rules. Realistic expectations where anything to exceed this bare minimum must be acknowledged and appreciated by both. Honestly, we now have to say “thank you for _____, I appreciate you doing that.” It forces us to see what each other is doing and makes things more positive instead of pointing out what you didn’t do....
My wife is a SAHM so she handles most of the day to day chores. I help out some when I get home, but that mostly relates to kids or helping clean up after dinner. I do agree that being appreciative is a huge thing. My wife does a lot and I thank her. I know it is her job, but getting positive feedback is necessary.
One issue we had at first was balancing the "intensity" of the chores we were doing. She was handling laundry and folding clothes on a Saturday, while I was downstairs cleaning the basement (which involved moving heavy boxes around) and wiring some new light fixtures. My chores took less time but were far more labor intensive. My wife does not like folding clothes, but can do so while seated and watching some TV. When we were first married, she would have measured the task by the time it took to complete, regardless of what was required to do it. Not so anymore.
What changed her mind was her taking on the bill payments, which she could not multi-task with. She finished and I suggested that she finish helping me with a pretty easy and mundane task. Needless to say, she came around to a better understanding that all chores are not created equal.
I am awful at doing housework. Carol carries a disproportionate share of that particular burden. We both acknowledge that. I'm not particularly pleased about it. We both get it that I carry disproportionate shares of other burdens. We are both more than satisfied with the give and take between us.
Insofar as the why's of all that, for me they are complex. They have to do partially with acculturation (that's the part I'm particularly not proud of). They also have to do with it being "Carol's domain" -- in her head as well as mine. That means that everything I do is just plain more complex. I can't just "do the laundry". I need to do the laundry the way she wants it done. I can't just "put away the dishes". I need to know where all those cursed pots go in her arcane filing system.
Overall, we both think it's just yet another of those unfair and unreasonable parts of our marriage. We both think that the magnitude of the problem it presents is eclipsed by the goodness of our marriage. I continue to try to "do better".
I think there's a difference between wanting men to acknowledge the hard work women do around the house (which would include contributing some effort toward housework himself), and men actually doing an equal amount of work. My wife's friends talked about this because the ones who had husbands who did a truly equal amount of work saw it as a turn off over time. I learned this the hard way early in our marriage when my wife basically laughed at me for doing too much housework. Well that won't be a problem again. I think some women want us to contribute but never to try and be equals in the domestic sphere. Which is fine with me.
I remember an author from The Atlantic writing a few years back (2009?) about her affair and subsequent divorce from her husband of many years. One of her chief complaints was that instead of being a stereotypical male who sat on the couch and then jumped her later that night, he spent way too much time being the "perfect" husband in the kitchen. She wound up calling him the "kitchen b--ch" or something like that. In other words, he took her seriously when she said she wanted an equal partnership when it came to housework and paid the price for it. She was confused by her own behavior but felt it was real.
Anyway, I respect those husbands and wives who have equally divided the work at home and in parenting, but it would never work for us, and that was my wife's decision. She likes that I help out some, but that's it.
I've had some people tell me the same thing. I feel my situation was a little different, though. If our work hours had been the same, I might not have pitched in as much, but due to my profession, I often get weeks off at the time. I would have felt like an idiot just ignoring the house work while she was at her job. I actually felt it my duty to take the lead and do most all if I'm on vacation and she isn't. But I guess my ideas were wrong.
My wife and I are both clean freaks and are used to cleaning when we lived on our own a few times(in between relationships & before we met), so we pretty much split things 50/50 and always have from day one.
I help out with cleaning, but no doubt my wife does the lion's share. She also is a housewife, so it's not as clear what % breakdown is appropriate. Rough rule of thumb is that we treat her job as a housewife as equal hours/week job as mine.
My general rule is to help out on weekends, especially with helping the kids get their chores done. During the week I'll help with dishes and other small jobs when the opportunity presents itself.
when my wife worked I did 50% or better of the house hold chores when she quit to be a stay at home mom I quit doing most of the daily house hold chores.
but I still do most if not all outside chores. cut an acre of grass clean swimming pool ,run the kids to activities,fix all our vehicals,fix and maintain the house.
if she ever goes back to work I will do half if not more oof the chores.
I remember an author from The Atlantic writing a few years back (2009?) about her affair and subsequent divorce from her husband of many years. One of her chief complaints was that instead of being a stereotypical male who sat on the couch and then jumped her later that night, he spent way too much time being the "perfect" husband in the kitchen.
Wow! That was bizarre enough that I had to go read it for myself. The article was Let's Call The Whole Thing Off by Sandra Tsing Loh, appearing in July/August 2009.
Towards the end of the article, she said:
"To work, to parent, to housekeep, to be the ones who schedule “date night,” only to be reprimanded in the home by male kitchen b|tches, and then, in the bedroom, to be ignored—it’s a bum deal."
This appears to have been a reference to the husband (Ian) of a friend. (Rachel) He liked to cook, but neglected his wife sexually. The 'kitchen b|tch" comment was over the top, but sexual neglect is a legitimate gripe. (IMO)
Since you are deep into the marriage, I would try to stop focusing on this too much. Look and around and see what it right first and it may open you up to thinking that your "marriage" really isn't so bad after all.
I'd also try the 5 languages of love. He may be acting out by not doing chores enough because you are not speaking the right love language to him ( and vice versa, you sound like a "acts of service" type lover )which I think is #3?
an "acts of service" lover feels love from their partner when their partner does things for them. Things without asking especially!
Hey I do any of the stuff my wife needs help around the house with. Including helping with dinner, vacuuming, dishes, plus the outside stuff, like mowing or car repair.
Hey I look at it this way if I help wife get done early then we have more time together plus it wins points in the bedroom.
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Re: Men and house cleaning...your thoughts? 
