My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?
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Old 02-28-2009, 10:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

Hello,

I am new to this blog and would appreciate any advice.
I have been married for close to four years. My wife is a good person that suffers from depression. We have been working to gether to help her cope but it is a battle. She doesnt take medication and frankly I am not sure it really worked. I am constantly on edge around her. I don't want to upset her, set her off. I know before we got married that she was depressed. With my personality I like to help people, fix situations but it seems like she doesnt want help. I am wondering if her depression and her actions, nagging, and fighting with me are because she doesnt want to be with me. I just want her to be happy and want to be happy too. Any advice?
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Old 02-28-2009, 10:55 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

Is she seeing a therapist / counsellor of any sort? Have you considered marriage counselling?
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Old 02-28-2009, 11:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

Those are good suggestions. We are not currently seeing a therapist. I have suggested that we go and she did not want to. She say a psychologist and all he did was prescribe her some medications that didn't seem to work.
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Old 02-28-2009, 11:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

My son was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and was also prescribed antidepressants, but also had therapy recommended. Pills may help mask the symptoms, but just like my son, your wife seems to need help to work through deeper issues.

Why is she opposed to seeing a counsellor? Have you considered going to see one on an individual basis yourself?
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Old 03-01-2009, 05:09 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

I have considered going to a counselor. I really would like my wife to go with me. Has anyone read the book, "The Five Love Languages"?
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Old 03-03-2009, 11:34 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

1. go to the counsler for yourself. Let her know that you are going,when,time,etc. Ask her to go with you. She may not at first, but don't give up

2. Meds can help while the two of you work on the real reasons for the cause.
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Old 03-13-2009, 07:32 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

This situation is tough because you knew she was depressed before you married her. Ordinarily I'd say that if you are young, she is probably not worth the effort, and you should try and find someone with whom you are more compatible with.

You are a fixer and she is a problem... you will be working CONSTANTLY and you have no guarantee whatsoever that anything will get better. It would be a shame, 10 years from now for you to be worse off, and wishing you'd left when you have a chance.

If she has already rejected the idea of therapy/counseling, I don't think there is much you can do. You can't force her to get better and you will only waste the best years of your life.

I think the "if you love something let it go and see if it comes back" idea is applicable here. If she doesn't want to be in this marriage, then there is no reason for you to be there either.
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Old 03-13-2009, 09:35 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

My wife had severe depression after we were first married. It was caused by underlying issues from abuse when she grew up. The medicine did help her cope, but they are not "happy pills." That may have been what your wife was expecting. It's my belief that they are more like a crutch to help with the worst of the pain while she deals with the main issues.

So she may want to re-examine medication, but as the others said, counseling is what is really needed.

I agree with DB ...even if she doesn't, you should get counseling for yourself. I know firsthand how exhausting it can be. And it sounds like what you have written that you may be in a Co-Dependent relationship. She is depressed and needs someone to "care" for her. You need to "help people, fix situations," so you are drawn together like magnets. The problem is at some point you will (probably already have) enabled her to continue to be depressed, by taking care of her and not let her face the painful consequences of the depression that will force her to want to change (i.e. dealing with the underlying cause of the depression.)

It's a tough cycle to be in, but by recognizing it, you can take steps to break it. Especially if you guys get in counseling. I wish you the best.
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Old 03-13-2009, 09:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

Yes, I've read the 5 love languages and it is a great book. I highly recommend it.
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Old 03-13-2009, 06:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

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Originally Posted by kicker1982 View Post
I just want her to be happy and want to be happy too. Any advice?
My H was like this with me, too. well, fact is most people are like this with depressed people. I get so annoyed with it. How would you feel it someone was constantly trying to change you? If you were constantly made to feel inadequate, you're not happy enough, perky enough, NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I know, I know you think, 'well dont you want to be happy, things could be so much better, dont you want someone to help you?' Not if in the process my H and i just become more miserable. I've never in my life met someone who came out happier after constantly being told that they arent happy enough, that there's something wrong with them, that they need to be someone else, that their life isnt good enough if they dont become someone else. That's a little counterintuitive. And you know the irony of it, half the time you are probably trying to change her, not because you actually want her to be happy, but because you arent happy unless she's happy. You want her to be happy so you can be happy. Not good. I told my H, ya I'm depressed. Its who i am. Im ok with it. stop trying to change me. If you dont like me, leave. Its that simple.

We also do boundary books together which helps a lot. so far my experience with depression has taught me that even depression can have healthy boundaries.
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Old 03-17-2009, 02:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

The type of counselling that will help your wife with her depression is cognitive behaviour therapy. She needs to fix herself before you two can fix the marriage..
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Old 08-03-2009, 12:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

I have dealt with a depressed wife in both of my marriages. I have developed some techniques for compassionately dealing with depression.
Here's number one; depressed people may resent happy people. Try giving her a call on the phone before you get home in the evening, to assess her mood. If she is depressed, do not come in the door all geared up and excited. If it is a particularly "bad" evening for her, you may even want to front a negative emotion yourself. Try something like "my boss got angry at me for a mistake someone else made" or "I spilled coffee on myself on the way home" or " I stepped in dog poo on my way into work..." If there is a hint of humor, you may be able to lift her out of the mood.

Perhaps the best technique is what I call "something now, something later" This takes a little planning, but its worth it. You will need to take some time and buy some little gifts. I've bought silk flowers, silver charms and necklaces, cool flower pots, stuffed animals, coffee cups, bowls.... Hide them somewhere with some gift bags and cards. In the meantime, be thinking about planning some kind of event with her. Could be a weekend getaway, maybe a daytrip but something special. Anytime she needs a boost, grab one of your cards and gift, and surprise her with it. Later that day, mention that you want to plan a little trip for a weekend a few weeks away. This will give her something to look forward to that really isn't that far away. Keep up this routine as best you can (you can repeat it over and over), but make sure to keep the excitement churning on your event.

I have one more, but I'm out of time.
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Old 08-03-2009, 01:23 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

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Originally Posted by kicker1982 View Post
I have considered going to a counselor. I really would like my wife to go with me. Has anyone read the book, "The Five Love Languages"?
I was conned into reading it. It worked. For her. She got what she wanted out of it and I was left the same before we started it. I recommend starting a fire with it.




John
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Old 08-03-2009, 01:25 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

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Originally Posted by NothingMan View Post
I was conned into reading it. It worked. For her. She got what she wanted out of it and I was left the same before we started it. I recommend starting a fire with it.




John
Sorry it didn’t work out for you John. I read it and it was a tremendous to me and our marriage. I recommend it frequently but like all in life, it doesn’t work for everyone.
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Old 08-03-2009, 08:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is depressed and nothing I do is ever good enough for her, what can I do?

You are what is refered to as a Manipulated Man.

Your wife is using her "state of depression" to take advantage of you and you need to stop putting up with her nonsense. What you view as kindness and loving compassion she views as weakness and as an opportunity for further manipulation.

A Politically Incorrect Statement to Follow:
Deep inside women only respect and love men who they know will not put up with their nonsense. Women can only truly love a man who they have a subtle fear of; a fear of his unpredictability and a fear of his capacity to live happily WITHOUT her.

You are entirely predictable and entirely dependent on her. As you are cowering around like a little scared puppy being "scared to upset her" or "scared to set her off" she is losing respect for you as a man.

Do you want to live the rest of your life playing nursemaid to a manipulative and destructive woman who does not respect you?

Solution:
Give her something to be really depressed about - file for divorce. That's right - get yourself out of this mess. Do not allow yourself to live as a slave...............
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