DownUnder

I found out about my H's EA last week, and i kicked him out of the house right after i found out.

However i asked him a few questions about the OW, and in our conversation i asked him if he loves her and he said "No" and i asked again a couple days ago if he had fallen in love with her, and he said "I already told you NO, there is a spark and connection between us, we have a lot of things in common...and it could potentialy develop into something more".

Eventho i have never meet this OW, my friends have pretty much described what she looks like to me....so I told him that from what my friends have described about her physical attributes, she doesn't sound like his type...i know the kind of girls he likes or found attractive and she doesn't fall into that category.

Then he told me "if i saw her on the street, i would probably wouldn't look at her twice....but its not always about looks, there is a spark and connection between us that i dont have with you."

Now im curious....is the only reason that he found the OW attractive because of the emotional attachment he has with her?

So here is my questions to the men here....is the way you judge your partner's attractiveness only based on your emotional attachment to her?

And is it true that MOST men have an emotional need to have an attractive spouse?

I guess in some level (if im being completely honest) i would like to know if after the initial spark wear off between my H and the OW, would he still find her attractive seeing that she is not usually his type in the physical and look department.

Now that he is going to move in with her, there will be other things they need to deal with in a day to day life (such as bills to pay, cleaning, laundry, work stress, kids etc) beside just flirting in the office or meeting up for a coffee or lunch for an hour an day to stroke each other's ego.

So men of the clubhouse (why does this always reminds me of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse from Disney Channel? lol)....I would like to know your take or your insight on this please

chillymorn

I think as people mature they start putting more importance on personality rather than looks.

I rather be paired up with someone who smiles than someone that always complains. someone with an overall good attitude goes along way in this world.

At wits end

A "10" in looks can turn into a 3 real quick with the wrong attitude, it works both ways for people who are not superficial. Someone with "so- so" looks can suddenly become much better looking if there is a hormonal connection going on. Personally I would rather be with someone who I can relate too rather than a shallow person with great looks!

DownUnder

thanks chillymorn & At wits end....appreciate your input on this.

Deejo

Overwhelmingly ... in the case of both sexes, a cheating partner tends to affair 'down'.

Meaning, their affair partner is generally not as attractive, successful, responsible, (add general positive quality here) as their spouse is.

They choose someone that VALIDATES them, by providing them with something that they don't feel they are getting from their spouse.

__________________
"I figured out they were serious eventually but was thinking it was ridiculous. I wanted to kick them in the balls." - Trenton

PBear

Why are you thinking it was just an emotional affair? I think it more likely he found someone to have a physical affair with, and he's not telling you the truth.

On the other hand, I've never dated or had a relationship with someone with my "ideal" physical type. And it's never been the physical attraction that's caused me to reconsider.

C
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AllThePrettyHorses

Maybe once you have it all, the house, the 401 k, the kids and the American dream, you wind up going for someone who gives you exactly what you need, and you're finally "free" to look past an unrefined exterior. Looks have little to do with love, but men are often guilty of not realizing that. When they're younger anyways.

MEM11363

Down,
The pure physical is just a "would I want to have sex with this person without knowing anything about them". Over time, compatibility, positive shared experiences of all types - sexual and non sexual - drive attraction.

QUOTE=DownUnder;663058]I found out about my H emotional affair with his co-worker last week, and i kicked him out of the house right after i found out.

However i asked him a few questions about the OW, and in our conversation i asked him if he loves her and he said "No" and i asked again a couple days ago if he had fallen in love with her, and he said "I already told you NO, there is a spark and connection between us, we have a lot of things in common...and it could potentialy develop into something more".

He is moving in with the OW today because she is the most convinient and easy option.

Eventho i have never meet this OW a few of my friends have saw them together in the street as they were going to have lunch together and my friends have pretty much described what she looks like to me....so I told him that from what my friends have described about her physical attributes, she doesn't sound like his type...i know the kind of girls he likes or found attractive and she doesn't fall into that category.

Then he told me "if i saw her on the street, i would probably wouldn't look at her twice....but its not always about looks, there is a spark and connection between us that i dont have with you."

Now im curious....is the only reason that he found the OW attractive because of the emotional attachment he has with her?

So here is my questions to the men here....is the way you judge your partner's attractiveness only based on your emotional attachment to her?

And is it true that MOST men have an emotional need to have an attractive spouse?

I guess in some level (if im being completely honest) i would like to know if after the initial spark wear off between my H and the OW, would he still find her attractive seeing that she is not usually his type in the physical and look department.

Now that he is going to move in with her, there will be other things they need to deal with in a day to day life (such as bills to pay, cleaning, laundry, work stress, kids etc) beside just flirting in the office or meeting up for a coffee or lunch for an hour an day to stroke each other's ego.

So men of the clubhouse (why does this always reminds me of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse from Disney Channel? lol)....I would like to know your take or your insight on this please [/QUOTE]
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DownUnder

Thanks for your input guys.

Maybe my H & the OW will be happy together then....seeing that physical attractiveness doesn't seem all that important when you have compatibility. And he told me they are very compatible and he doesn't find me compatible with him.

AllThePrettyHorses

Maybe, maybe not.
The moment you won't care what they are doing is when life will take a turn for the better.
And that moment will come for you, DownUnder.

DownUnder

Thank you, and i really REALLY hope so....

Jeff/BC

Let us hope. It would be wonderful if they found happiness. Your problem is more about your happiness or lack thereof.

To the "attractiveness" question, in me it's too complicated to reduce down to anything simple. For instance, I don't like blondes and I don't like size 0 child-like bodies. But we were just watching a show and damn but there was this actress and she looked pretty cute. Oh well.

AllThePrettyHorses

The receptionist from "Two and a half men?"

Jeff/BC

Nope.. the sister "Sam" from being Erica... That is just so not my type in any way but yet... *sighs*. Carol thinks it's because she looks vaguely like a miniature version of 7-of-9 and I'm a geek and, of course, all us geeks fantasize about 7.

Browncoat

Pure physical attractiveness isn't everything by a long shot. I call my wife beautiful everyday, and I love her and I'm more than pleased with how she looks. At the same rate, there are more physically attractive women out there, but I don't wish for a second I was with them. There's more to beauty than what's at skin level.

We share common senses of humor (and mine's a bit odd at times), common values, common religious faith, common goals, and we both share a deep love for our kids. She has this smile that lights up a room (it was what first attracted me to her). All these things in addition to her own physical attractive qualities are what make her beautiful.

Now as for your husband, if you love him still, I'd at least write him a letter letting him know that. No need to beg him for his love, that will never work. It is up to him to decide, but I wouldn't let my spouse go w/o speaking from the heart at least once.

There is a difference between someone you can love to be around a few hours a day, and someone you can love to be around at home all the time. People act differently out at work or around town vs at home. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he may decide the OW isn't for him after all. If that happens it's up to you if you genuinely want him back or not.