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The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

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Old 04-09-2012, 04:26 AM   #136 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men, I want the ugly truth from you.

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Is it so wrong that despite reality and popular opinion I want a man who only thinks about me? Is it wrong that I want to be so stellar, good in bed and a fabulous wife/lover that it's impossible for my man to think of other women without immediately defaulting back to me? Come on now, I'm willing to put in the work and all!

OK, might be unrealistic, but tell me it is realistic, possible and implausible any other way...anyway.
I actually think that what you seek is quite realistic. In fact, it's probable that you will get what you seek if you strive to be that quality of wife and lover.

There are always exceptions, but in general men who are treated well by their wives and are happy do not cheat, stray, perv strange women, etc.

OTOH, there is a type of woman who feels that her man should remain completely single-mindedly focused on her regardless of the quality of wife she is. So, there are two "ugly truths" you can make from this:

1) If you expect a man to remain focused on your wants and needs while you ignore his over an extended period, you will be disappointed at some point. Yes, us men are will to give first to get the ball rolling, but after some point it gets old and you have to give what we want as we have given what you want.

2) A big part of what a man considers a quality wife (as in when he says he has a good or bad wife) has to do with her sexual performance. Being a good sexual provider does not prevent you from being a bad wife, but being a bad sexual provider makes it really hard to be considered a truly good wife. By bad I don't mean inexperienced and trying to learn; it means refusing to try.
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Old 04-09-2012, 04:41 AM   #137 (permalink)
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My comments are related to post 2000. I do not discount the past .. but it is the past. There is some very outdated thinking here.

Women are no longer dependent on men like in the past. They have their own money and power. They are not penalized for cheating like in the past. We are living in this century.

Birth Control.

Women are cheating in greater numbers. They are also less likely to hide that fact.

It also may depend on culture.

It's easy to buy into the lie that women are no longer dependent upon men and that there is no penalty for a woman's adultary. Men bring more to the table than just money. Kids growing up without their fathers statistically get into more trouble, don't do as well in school, and have loads more pysch and emotional problems. A support check isn't a dad. A large percentage of households in poverty are headed by divorced women, so support payments don't replace a husband's income. Child support ends when the child reaches adulthood. Mom will still want to eat after her kids are grown. There are penalties to be paid but they are paid mostly by kids. A woman may have a job but two paychecks beat one and two pensions beat one. Similarly, kids need what mothers bring to the table and usually, the birth mother is best positioned to provide it. Both men and women win when a healthy marriage works out and both lose when it doesn't. Kids win when it works out and they suffer a great deal when it doesn't. Nobody's getting a free ride for screwing up.
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Old 04-09-2012, 04:54 AM   #138 (permalink)
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So no, I dont believe men cannot cheat. Sorry. There, i said it.
I never cheated on my ex during nearly 16 years of marriage. And, my ex never during that time was a good sexual partner. She rose to the level of "it's okay" for brief periods, but that's it. So, it can and does happen.

Did I look at other ladies? Occassionally, and generally just once an averting my eyes because I believe most women don't want to be "checked out" (unless by someone they are attracted to).

Did other women express interest even though I was married? Absolutely, on multiple occassions, even though I was not looking for it and thus not sending out "signals". In fact, two in particular stand out. One was many years ago where the lady was extra friendly, laughed at bad jokes, showed off her (very nice) figure when I was around. The other (a few years ago, not long before my ex moved out) was someone I knew but never realized she had it for me; this one was actually bold enough to offer to pick up my wife's slack, so to speak.

Nonetheless, I never strayed. It was simply a matter of personal pride and integrity. I write this not to show off how much of a stud I am (or at least was in the past). It is simply to show that I did the honorable thing (even though it was likely to my detriment) and stuck by my ex. Guys have morals too - I don't think I am the only one.
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Old 04-09-2012, 05:05 AM   #139 (permalink)
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Regular woman are dangerous.
Yes, some of them are, and many can tell when the wife or g/f is not taking care of business. The guy does not have to say anything - it is like some sort of unconscious / sub-conscious signal emanates from an unhappy guy.
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Old 04-09-2012, 06:59 AM   #140 (permalink)
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I am going to make a guess here. Were you born in a foreign country?

Your English and something about your views make me think you are from a very traditional country. Any chance this might be true? just a hunch
LauraF, some of your posts have a lot of great sass to them, but this one was just rude. The dude was joining in the conversation and your slam was personal and off-point. Debate the points if you want, but don't attack the person about something that isn't relevant.

Just calling it like I see it.
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Old 04-09-2012, 07:23 AM   #141 (permalink)
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I am going to make a guess here. Were you born in a foreign country?

Your English and something about your views make me think you are from a very traditional country. Any chance this might be true? just a hunch
Interesting!!! This thread starts out by asking what men are really like, then the true model of man is revealed. All men are doomed to live in a pessimistic construct of simplemindedness and base instincts, wired by their little ole' DNA, in which they are unable or reluctant to resist. Anyone who does not respond to fit within this simple-minded mode, or like they live on an episode of Jerry Springer, is assumed to be from a foreign country.

Could be ... if you meet someone who sounds like they are from a foreign country, it might mean that "the theory of what men really are" is rather incomplete so far, based upon a very small statistical sampling of personal experience

It just seems much more like a jaded view of men prevails, using biological drives as support, well beyond the intended scope of the credible scientists who study the linkage between genetics and psychological drives in sentient, rational beings.

Last edited by Halien; 04-09-2012 at 09:11 AM.
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:05 AM   #142 (permalink)
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Is it so wrong that despite reality and popular opinion I want a man who only thinks about me? Is it wrong that I want to be so stellar, good in bed and a fabulous wife/lover that it's impossible for my man to think of other women without immediately defaulting back to me? Come on now, I'm willing to put in the work and all!

OK, might be unrealistic, but tell me it is realistic, possible and implausible any other way...anyway.
There are certain men who really are like this, given a marriage where the wife is also committed. My wife worries about aging, but it is really almost unexplainable how she gets more beautiful as the years pass. Even when we went through the lowest point, where we almost divorced, our respect for each other kept us faithful. In the early years, there were situations where her sister and several friends blatantly tried to build a relationship, but faithfulness was not a question. I think it boils down to becoming a man who knows himself, and what is important in life. Just a personal opinion, but if a guy can't readily describe how he looks forward to spending his life with his wife, and what that means to him, then he's not ready, and not the type who will be faithful.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:05 AM   #143 (permalink)
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Hey Halien -- do you tell your wife that she gets more beautiful with age. Mine looks sexier and more desireable as we age, and I tell her. -- But, due to her lack of self confidence, she thinks that I am full of ****. -- So, it is best that I do not tell her anything.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:14 AM   #144 (permalink)
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You have a large misconception of an EA and the primary reasons for the brain chemicals.

A man having a sexual desire for a woman is not the same thing as an EA. EA being an Emotional Affair. This is not a requirment for a man to have a sexual attraction. So when a predator is after a woman he is not in an EA. He is just looking for sex. No doubt that is true for a woman as well. Perhaps dopamine comes from this as well but the primary driver is sexual lust.

When people are in an EA they have bonded emotionally. Typically this is as friends. However, because of poor boundaries and meeting needs it can turn into an EA. This happens a lot. This is where the confused feelings are. This can eventually lead into a PA. I believe that most reasonably happy married people fall into the EA category as compared to just folks who say, WTH I am going to pick someone up tonight.

The guys in the club are not in an EA with thiese women that they pickup.

Maybe this is an ugly truth for you. Something you have trouble comprehending. That men can be emotional creatures as well. They can also be primarily motivated by sex. This latter motivation can turn into loving a woman.

So how about when tow people get married? Let's take those that marry out of love. Sometimes people are friends first and then fall in love. Sometimes it is more about sex but they date and fall in love. And all of the gray in between. So this is the mechanism. One would think that this happens with extramaritial affairs as well. That said. in a reasonably happy marriage there would be less of the just for sex mindset.

But I suspect there is a bitterness here.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:14 AM   #145 (permalink)
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Hey Halien -- do you tell your wife that she gets more beautiful with age. Mine looks sexier and more desireable as we age, and I tell her. -- But, due to her lack of self confidence, she thinks that I am full of ****. -- So, it is best that I do not tell her anything.
At first, her self-confidence was an issue, but she has grown beyond that. I still tell her all the time.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:15 AM   #146 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men, I want the ugly truth from you.

My neighbor the ex stripper is one of the few people I regularly talk to. One of the sweetest people I know.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:27 AM   #147 (permalink)
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So you didnt date much before her? As in she was one of your only sexual partners?
I was 23 not 17. By the time I met my wife I was looking for someone of substance. Not a party girl. I had had enough experinces with more casual sex. These were not the women Iwas looking for in a long term relationship. Good times for a while but I was maturing past that.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:27 AM   #148 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men, I want the ugly truth from you.

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Hey Halien -- do you tell your wife that she gets more beautiful with age. Mine looks sexier and more desireable as we age, and I tell her. -- But, due to her lack of self confidence, she thinks that I am full of ****. -- So, it is best that I do not tell her anything.
i have the same issue. i still find her beautiful and desirable and i have told her so on numerous occasions, she just isnt good at recieving compliments. so i stopped, that type of attitude is a big turnoff to me. maybe thats her intent
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:32 AM   #149 (permalink)
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Don't stop. Stopping validates their incorrect feelings. It is more than telling them. Get lost in them. Show them they are so amazing that you cannot control how you feel. Maybe you already do this.

I am not saying that they have their own feelings about aging. Also respect them by not going out of your way to notice younger women. Have eyes for her. I make sure that when I am with my wife she is my focus.

Show them plenty of affection and attention and do not be deterred. They actually need this.
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:52 AM   #150 (permalink)
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well you can either have a georgeous wife who can hold a nickel between her knees without dropping it while doing all the daily chores, or a plane jane who will be a slvt in the sack. Its usually not both, unless were talking about angelina jolie, and even so, she is haywire in so many other ways.
Most guys would choose the former.
Huh? This is called a fallacy.

Why in the world would you state these two choices?

Men do want a lady in the street and a freak in the bed. They want a woman who is sexually responsive to them and are exclusive with them. What you state sounds like a Madonna Wh0re Complex or some other aberation. Odd really.

Life occurs in the shades of gray. But in this case you have painted two sad choices.
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