Okay, I know this is the "man" forum, but as a woman, let me add my two cents worth.
We are not children. Punishing us hoping for change doesn't work any better than if we do it to you--so a moratorium--wouldn't work in my house and wouldn't work with most women as we would feel like we were being punished, as you would your child. To me that is another way of execising control over another person. A recipie for disaster and a major backfire in my house.
Now, if my husband seemed happy without me, going on with his life and not meeting my needs of hearing I Love You, calling me to see how I was doing, etc., that would speak MUCH LOUDER than the other approach.
Alas, the case in my home is reversed. I'm the one missing the intimacy and sexual contact, he is not. Most of this is due to medical reasons and medication on his part, so I coninute to be patient and wait...haven't figured out how long I'm willing to wait, but wait I will--some things are beyond his control.
It's just really sad to me that a great, robust sex life has turned into nothing...it's like the death of a best friend.
okay, i might have missed the point of the moritorium. its not, in my mind, to punish to one that doesnt want intimacy, its to step back and re-evaluate circumstances and to eliminate the stress that wanting but not getting my intimacy needs met creates. in my case, its not something i have stated i am doing and i am NOT trying to do the "i'll show you" thing. im doing it for me. i do not expect a reaction of her all of a sudden wanting sex one day. im past all that
Why do you stay then or why don't you pursue something outside the marriage?
I'm almost getting there myself I think. Giving it 2-3 more months and will then tell the wife if things don't change (and I am willing to do anything she wants to affect the change) I may have to go outside the marriage to meet my needs and wants and she'll be welcome to do so too. After that, who knows which way it will go.
I' done talking, reading books, doing worksheets and talking to counselors. It's time for action!
Why do you stay then or why don't you pursue something outside the marriage?
I'm almost getting there myself I think. Giving it 2-3 more months and will then tell the wife if things don't change (and I am willing to do anything she wants to affect the change) I may have to go outside the marriage to meet my needs and wants and she'll be welcome to do so too. After that, who knows which way it will go.
I' done talking, reading books, doing worksheets and talking to counselors. It's time for action!
because i am ok without it right now. my focus is on my 3 kids and their sports careers (which is a 7 day a week venture). al 3 have scholarship opportunities and that is alot of work to make happen. i am finally distracted from the issue as i feel she has been for awhile. when my kids are gone, who knows?
Thanks for all your replies and comments, to be honest it's going much better than I expected, I feel great, and the reason is I can (and have done) tell her exactly what I feel, I am even starting to define boundaries (not in any formal way).
Don't get me wrong, I like sex but not at the price I have been paying. The reason I took (what for me is) a very drastic step was the realisation that she was using sex as a weapon against me, and when I think back has been doing so for years.
Funny thing tonight, when I got home from the gym (loving the gym as well) she asked if I had a shirt for tomorrow, I told her i did not, now I can't iron to save my life and she knows it, she made some sarcastic comment about her doing her stuff and me doing my stuff, told her if she had a problem I would send my stuff away to be ironed, no problem, never mentioned it again, been a few tests or provocations as well, and this time I passed them with flying colours
Wait until she asks you to do something. Reply with "gosh, wish I had time, just remembered I need to pick up my shirts from the cleaners.
Totally normal voice. Just stating a fact. I only do this type thing when my partner is being really over the top. It seems to work.
QUOTE=Bluemoon1;671932]Thanks for all your replies and comments, to be honest it's going much better than I expected, I feel great, and the reason is I can (and have done) tell her exactly what I feel, I am even starting to define boundaries (not in any formal way).
Don't get me wrong, I like sex but not at the price I have been paying. The reason I took (what for me is) a very drastic step was the realisation that she was using sex as a weapon against me, and when I think back has been doing so for years.
Funny thing tonight, when I got home from the gym (loving the gym as well) she asked if I had a shirt for tomorrow, I told her i did not, now I can't iron to save my life and she knows it, she made some sarcastic comment about her doing her stuff and me doing my stuff, told her if she had a problem I would send my stuff away to be ironed, no problem, never mentioned it again, been a few tests or provocations as well, and this time I passed them with flying colours[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
Just a quick update, things are going well for me anyway, although there are glimmerings that she is now actually starting to sit up and take notice of some of the other changes that I have introduced to my life, she seems a little confused and is acting more vulnerable, sometimes she gets angry at me (most of the time I don't respond although I slip up now and again) and then she is creeping around me
I think she is starting to understand this is not a flash in the pan, I mean what I say, I am changing.
She even rang me at work the other day for no particular reason, another thing I have started to notice is that now I am going to the gym and getting fit and looking better, she is really starting to watch what she eats
To be honest it's something I have always known I should do, but it seems so counter intuitive, it's not a punishment for anyone (as was stated earlier) it's me at last realising I was in a pretty bad place (as they say nowadays) regards to sex, it was unhealthy and to be honest left me feeling more than a little empty after the event.
When you realise that you have lost your dignity and backbone because of something, it's time to call a halt and do something different. Not being the lost puppy or the sad panda (as Athol says) is brilliant for the first time in years I can actually say what I feel, do things without seeking approval and start to be my self more and more each day. The longer this goes on I am also starting to think about sex as often which is good for me because I was becoming obsessive about it.
Just an update, the moratorium did not last that long, we have done it a few times but to be honest it has not been good, but she told me the other day me working out and quitting smoking has made her feel insecure, told he I was glad she has noticed! I am not pushing for sex in the way I used to.
The whole relationship has taken on a new dynamic, and to be honest I don't know where it will all lead, I am prepared to give it time, we have a long way to go
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Re: Sexual Moratorium 
for no particular reason, another thing I have started to notice is that now I am going to the gym and getting fit and looking better, she is really starting to watch what she eats
